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OT – me and my mom – supportive??? (really long post, got to point at end)



OT – me and my mom – supportive??? (really long post, got to point at end)

Old 10-20-2012, 11:28 AM
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OT – me and my mom – supportive??? (really long post, got to point at end)

Hey all, I wanted to post this as it is something been bothering me for quite a while. 3 years ago, I opened up to my family about my RAH (not R at the time) alcoholism and how I couldn’t live with it anymore – he had been getting really bad – blackouts, lying, nastiness. I hadn’t told my family before this and for all they knew everything was fine between me and H in our marriage of 20+ years.

Well, my mom was there for me when I kicked my AH out and transitioned from stay at home mom to working, basically, single mom. There was more trouble with AH who was still drinking for a while, seemed to abandon kids and us ever getting back together, got DUI. After a while though he found some recovery and is now sober almost 8 months.

He moved back in about 6 months ago and our relationship is basically nothing, except revolving around our kids – not much different than other busy families except there is still a lot of underlying anger and resentment (mostly on RAH part as I have worked through a lot of mine). We still have trouble with honest communication, intimate conversation and physical intimacy. Nevertheless, for the most part we are both willing to see how it goes.

There are times when how we relate to each other gets to me and I may let my feelings out to my mom, although I limit it from how much I did in the past. She seems to be overly negative about the whole thing, never has a word of support about RAH and keeps bringing up the past and how could he do what he did – meaning basically be an alcoholic.

A couple of weeks ago when RAH and I were close to giving up and he was going to move out on his own volition this time she referred to him as “white trash”. Well, when she said that I just got silent and couldn’t say another word and decided not to confide in her anymore about what I was going through.

My H has been a good provider over the years and good father for the most part and yes, I had to go back to work when we were living separately to afford two separate households. I had no problem with that, in fact, I am glad and I will never go back to totally relying on H for my livelihood. I am willing to give our relationship a try as long as he continues to be sober and works a program with AA.

My reason for posting is the Thanksgiving holiday is coming up and my mom is having her husband’s kids over and she mentioned to me if I want to come. She asked me if H is still going to live with us and when I told her yes, she what seemed like sarcastically said, “waiting to see what happens, good luck with that”. I feel like if/when we get together over the holiday she will just put on her “nice to see you” face and underneath it all she has no empathy or support for what we are trying to do.

I’ve always felt my mom treated me as if I was different and strange from her and my sister and sometimes I think she harbors resentment toward me as I had a good relationship with my dad and could never come to terms with her cheating on him and ending their marriage. When I was thinking I might divorce my H, she just seemed all for it and almost happy that she could empathize with me about this because she went through it and she knew how difficult it could be.

I don’t know I may just be making stuff up in my head or maybe I just have to accept that it is difficult for people to empathize with a situation unless it is exactly the same as theirs and she is just set in her thoughts about alcoholism and isn’t necessarily open to the disease concept and recovery. She can be nasty as she expresses her intolerance for other’s struggles.

Not sure if I am making a point here but all you folks have so much experience and wisdom when dealing with others I just thought maybe some of you could share what kind of support or non-support you get from other relationships with regard to the path you’ve chosen to live with the alcoholic spouse or ex–spouse in your life.

PS. My mom has also made derogatory comments about how it must be such a pain to have to take the time to go to alanon meetings and how could I stand doing it. I have repeatedly told her how helpful the meetings were for me and how the program could benefit everyone and it isn't about the A, it's about me and what I want my life to be. She doesn't seem to get that.
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Old 10-20-2012, 11:54 AM
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There's a snake inside all of us. Inside your mother, it looks like that snake would prefer that you divorced so that she felt less badly about having given up on her own marriage to your dad.
Would write more but I have to go.
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Old 10-20-2012, 12:32 PM
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Sometimes as we age, we just get tired, tired of the same old, over and over again. Perhaps
she gave you all she had when you and hubby were seperated and now has no more to give. She now is done with your relationship with him.

I could be totally wrong, however, as a senior, I no longer have the patience I had when I was
40, I do what I can, then it is each man for themselves and I go about the business of living my

Possibly if you stop talking to her about him and the issues she may come back around. She really doesn't need to know whether you go to meetings or not.

Just my two cents, I could be way off the tract...won't be the first time!
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Old 10-20-2012, 02:15 PM
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Your mom, was she married to an alcoholic?
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Old 10-20-2012, 07:08 PM
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No choublak my dad was not an alcoholic. Who knows maybe ACOA, I'm not sure.

Sometimes I think I treat all my relationships the same. I am always expecting my mom to be there for me in a way that she never was, somewhat like what I do with my RAH sometimes.

I do just fine putting my "big girl pants" on and living my life, except when I go looking for something a little bit more from my mom.

All is good. Thanks everyone.
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Old 10-20-2012, 07:46 PM
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Last edited by DoubleBarrel; 10-20-2012 at 07:51 PM. Reason: Figured it out sorry.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:26 PM
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Just my humble opinion,

A couple years ago my eldest daughter confided in me, about some dumb financial scheme/scam,/ to good to be true opportunity....... her hubby was entertaining investing in. Well, ever since she shared that with me, I have not been able to look at him the same. I see him in quite an unfavorable light these days. Perhaps I finally got a glimpse of "the real him" and I do not think very highly of him.

Seems both my daughter and him have moved on and forgot about this, but I still remember. Had she not shared this with me, I never would have known, BUT she did. AND I cannot just Forget.......She shared something with me, and it's negatively reflective of his character.

So I smile, and nod, and pretend nothing is wrong, but I am sitting back just waiting for the other shoe to drop.....

All I can offer, careful what you share, and sometimes when we share too much, it's like inviting a third party into the marriage.......
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Old 10-20-2012, 10:03 PM
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So when you needed your Mom's support during the time you had decided he was a good for nothing, you were happy and pleased with how she acted and the things she said about him, right? But now, 6 months later, you've changed your mind and let him back in but now you want your mom to switch gears and all of a sudden accept him with open arms? What about 6 months from now when you decide to kick him out because he's turned back into Mr. Hyde? Maybe what your mom is saying is that he is still the same good for nothing you kicked out 6 months ago, and that she is not a yo-yo. It's really not fair to involve your mom in this mess, and expect her to support you in whatever way the wind blows. She's obviously got her own opinions about him and you opened the door for her to voice them to you. If you don't like what she is saying, it is up to you to close that door back up.
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Old 10-21-2012, 08:21 AM
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Originally Posted by dancingnow View Post
I am always expecting my mom to be there for me in a way that she never was...,

I do just fine putting my "big girl pants" on and living my life, except when I go looking for something a little bit more from my mom.
You've pretty much described me to a t, and then some!

It took many years of disappointment, disparaging remarks from my mom, all those good things that go along with expecting a parent to be other than who they are.

It was painful and yet freeing when I accepted that my mom could never be the mom I wanted, and in essence, I had to learn to parent that little girl inside of me that always seemed to pop up when interacting with Mom.

Today we do have as close a relationship as possible considering how frail she is physically and emotionally. I do know that there are things I just don't discuss with her anymore, nor look to her for support on those things.

I guess I finally got tired of beating my head against the wall!

Sending you hugs of support on the humid Kansas winds today!
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Old 10-21-2012, 01:18 PM
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Thanks Freedom, it's nice to have someone get what I am saying and I look forward to feeling more free as I learn to accept who my mom is.

L2L thanks for your comment, I did want to let you know that I kicked my RAH out of the house because he was not addressing HIS alcoholism and he was in denial and I was not making the decision to end our marriage at the time. My mother put up with a lot of tearful calls and meetings and she was the one who put the labels on my RAH from some of the things I said. I didn't necessarily agree then but was too much feeling sorry for myself to care at the time.

I do get your point though about giving her her own time and space for her opinions. That is really the nail on the head for me, I need to live and let live and be ok with other's opinions and not let them affect me. Thanks for sharing to help me see that a little clearer.
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Old 10-21-2012, 01:44 PM
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My great grandmother had some wise words that she shared with my mom, who has shared them with me. She basically said that if you and your husband fight and make up, you eventually forget about it and move on. But if you tell others, they never forget, and will always hold it against him. That's just human nature. Your husband hurt her little girl. She loves you and wants to protect you, whether what she thinks is right or not.
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