Powerless...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
When I joined this forum over 16 months ago, I was searching for answers. I really believed I could help XA. It was quite painful, eye opening, and very unsettling to learn my situation was not unique.
Just like so many others here at SR, I was lost, clueless so to speak..... Like yourself, drinking all day/nite, everyday is not acceptable, (for me) I tried so schedule activites and make plans that did not include alcohol. I was attempting to control an uncontrollable situation.
A veteran poster responded one day, " You are simply changing seats on the Titanic."
Well that got my attention, (kind of pissed me off too) as I was so very certain that our situation was not like that of others,....... it wasn't as bad............. I could help him/ fix him.
I was in huge DENIAL about everything............ Denial was no place for me to live....... My life had become one big unmanagable LIE, a painful mess.
I came to SR in search of clarity. I spent that summer educating myself about addiction. The more I learned the angrier I became.......... Angry at myself, for being so ignorant, and trusting. I spent 5 years with these rose colored glasses on, I felt so very defeated.
And I learned....... I AM POWERLESS.... powerless over addiction, I have zero control over what, when, or how much XA drinks. It was sink or swim for ME. I chose to put my life jacket on and swim for the shore........
Please know we will be here with you, as you sort out this very painful time in your life. We understand what you are currently living, you are not alone.
Peace.
Just like so many others here at SR, I was lost, clueless so to speak..... Like yourself, drinking all day/nite, everyday is not acceptable, (for me) I tried so schedule activites and make plans that did not include alcohol. I was attempting to control an uncontrollable situation.
A veteran poster responded one day, " You are simply changing seats on the Titanic."
Well that got my attention, (kind of pissed me off too) as I was so very certain that our situation was not like that of others,....... it wasn't as bad............. I could help him/ fix him.
I was in huge DENIAL about everything............ Denial was no place for me to live....... My life had become one big unmanagable LIE, a painful mess.
I came to SR in search of clarity. I spent that summer educating myself about addiction. The more I learned the angrier I became.......... Angry at myself, for being so ignorant, and trusting. I spent 5 years with these rose colored glasses on, I felt so very defeated.
And I learned....... I AM POWERLESS.... powerless over addiction, I have zero control over what, when, or how much XA drinks. It was sink or swim for ME. I chose to put my life jacket on and swim for the shore........
Please know we will be here with you, as you sort out this very painful time in your life. We understand what you are currently living, you are not alone.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
What I would offer, Marie has stated so well. Ditto.
It is a process and it is something to deal with each day. But if you keep educating yourself and seek advice and support here (and/or alanon, counseling, loving friends and family), you will feel yourself get stronger each day. You will find yourself again - if you're like me you became completely lost in your A.
Keep posting and hang in there. We care about you and we get it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
It is a process and it is something to deal with each day. But if you keep educating yourself and seek advice and support here (and/or alanon, counseling, loving friends and family), you will feel yourself get stronger each day. You will find yourself again - if you're like me you became completely lost in your A.
Keep posting and hang in there. We care about you and we get it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by mihgab 
Sorry, R. The best thing that your husband could do was to leave you...it is so hard to get rid of an alcoholic! Hang in there, this is going to pass and you will find someone who really deserves you! There are so many men out there!It is a new day for you and for that matter a much better day: You don`t have to deal with an alcoholic anymore!
Good Luck to you!
Good Luck to you!
Some days I wish my A would just leave and give me some peace. But, until I can build a solid case, there would be custody issues, and I can't bear to see my son leave - he needs a solid, and sober, living arrangement.
I wish you all the best. And please keep posting, there are many, MANY smart folks here that will guide, teach, scold, and sometimes give you the slap you need to be able to make healthy choices to move forward in your life. One day at a time. (That was for your and my benefit!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Florence- I hear what you are saying & it is spot on. Of course I am confused, I have no idea why he is doing this & I never will.
I am emotionally devastated & in extreme shock. Is this for the best? I guess time will tell. I am in too much pain right now to know.
I have too much on my plate right now & feel completely overwhelmed. I have to just draw out my inner strength, focus on what I need to do & rely on my friends & kitties for comfort.
I feel like I'm stuck in a waking nightmare as this doesn't happen in real life? How does one go from telling me how much he loves me to a few hours later disappearing & then emailing me 6 days later to say it's over & never see him again? First step for me is to stop beating myself up with questions of why, I will not ever find the answers.
I am emotionally devastated & in extreme shock. Is this for the best? I guess time will tell. I am in too much pain right now to know.
I have too much on my plate right now & feel completely overwhelmed. I have to just draw out my inner strength, focus on what I need to do & rely on my friends & kitties for comfort.
I feel like I'm stuck in a waking nightmare as this doesn't happen in real life? How does one go from telling me how much he loves me to a few hours later disappearing & then emailing me 6 days later to say it's over & never see him again? First step for me is to stop beating myself up with questions of why, I will not ever find the answers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by rainiee
How does one go from telling me how much he loves me to a few hours later disappearing & then emailing me 6 days later to say it's over & never see him again? First step for me is to stop beating myself up with questions of why, I will not ever find the answers.
Because, my dear, he's an addict, and there is no sense trying to make sense of their actions. My Wife is (when she's sober) one of the most compassionate, caring, and smart people I know. Her 'other side', is completely different. And I'm starting to understand what 'dry drunk' means. And you answered your own questions right here:
"First step for me is to stop beating myself up with questions of why, I will not ever find the answers."
Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
'How does one go from telling me how much he loves me to a few hours later disappearing & then emailing me 6 days later to say it's over & never see him again?" (Rainiee)
^^^^^^^^ This is what this horrid disease is.^^^^^^^^ It holds us all hostage. We become prisoners, frightened, confused, almost paralyzed........... holding our breath, just waiting for the "what next ?" to happen.
When I started to question myself, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" or " why did I allow/accept XA unacceptable behavior?" It's when I started thinking about ME, did the fog start to lift......... We are so consumed by the disease, we tend to forget to address and focus on our own needs.
^^^^^^^^ This is what this horrid disease is.^^^^^^^^ It holds us all hostage. We become prisoners, frightened, confused, almost paralyzed........... holding our breath, just waiting for the "what next ?" to happen.
When I started to question myself, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" or " why did I allow/accept XA unacceptable behavior?" It's when I started thinking about ME, did the fog start to lift......... We are so consumed by the disease, we tend to forget to address and focus on our own needs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by rainiee
Florence- I hear what you are saying & it is spot on. Of course I am confused, I have no idea why he is doing this & I never will.
First step for me is to stop beating myself up with questions of why, I will not ever find the answers.
First step for me is to stop beating myself up with questions of why, I will not ever find the answers.
He is acting like an addict. Addicts do not put anyone first but themselves and their addictions. He is not marriage material, probably never was. The promises he made to you were lies to get you to continue to enable his addiction. I know its hard to accept; took me a long time to reach that myself, that I have no power or control over anyone else, especially an addict. Addicts are not emotionally available to have relationships. It is just that simple.
A member here has some great blogs that I suggest you check out:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dont-help.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
And try some Al-Anon meetings. A good place to start working through the mess is to begin with yourself - what attracted you to this man to begin with, especially knowing he is an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
what attracted you to this man to begin with, especially knowing he is an alcoholic?
He had a wonderful personality, treated me with so much love & as I was to find out.... only told me/showed me exactly what I wanted to see/hear. I do know in his heart he hates the addiction & I do believe he was sincere in doing what he could to stop but the problem is bigger than that. While his heart may want it, his heart is not stronger than the addiction. This was never something he could battle with out pro help & support and as it would seem he hasn't hit that rock bottom yet to truly WANT it & take the steps to stop.
His idea of stopping was to just cut back. That doesn't work as he did cut back & then built & built &...and here we are.
Plus since I have never dealt with an alcoholic or had people in my life who had, I didn't really know what I was getting in to. Him telling me he was happy to have fallen in love with a casual drinker & he would just do the same (meaning having a beer or two in social situations).... I didn't realize that was never realistic. To me it is, but that's because I could care less about drinking.
Looking back I think how foolish of me to be so naive but some lessons we have to learn the hard way.
Someone here asked about if we had kids. No, we were trying but I had 2 miscarriages & hadn't had success with trying again. So no custody battle.
Here & my friend have suggested Al-Anon meetings that are for friends/family of. I had actually looked that up but it seems now that it's over I don't know why I should go. Is it appropriate in my current situation?
He had a wonderful personality, treated me with so much love & as I was to find out.... only told me/showed me exactly what I wanted to see/hear. I do know in his heart he hates the addiction & I do believe he was sincere in doing what he could to stop but the problem is bigger than that. While his heart may want it, his heart is not stronger than the addiction. This was never something he could battle with out pro help & support and as it would seem he hasn't hit that rock bottom yet to truly WANT it & take the steps to stop.
His idea of stopping was to just cut back. That doesn't work as he did cut back & then built & built &...and here we are.
Plus since I have never dealt with an alcoholic or had people in my life who had, I didn't really know what I was getting in to. Him telling me he was happy to have fallen in love with a casual drinker & he would just do the same (meaning having a beer or two in social situations).... I didn't realize that was never realistic. To me it is, but that's because I could care less about drinking.
Looking back I think how foolish of me to be so naive but some lessons we have to learn the hard way.
Someone here asked about if we had kids. No, we were trying but I had 2 miscarriages & hadn't had success with trying again. So no custody battle.
Here & my friend have suggested Al-Anon meetings that are for friends/family of. I had actually looked that up but it seems now that it's over I don't know why I should go. Is it appropriate in my current situation?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
i know exactly how you feel. the phrase - a waking nightmare- really resounds with me. For the 30 years i was with my AH - no matter how bad things got my one comforts was that he said he loved me - when he filed for a divorce i felt my world spinning out of control .i can't tell u how many people say its a blessing in disguise, let go and move on - i just want to slap them and scream - but i love him - he was my whole life. what i do know while i still try on a daily basis to crawl out of bed and face the world and this horrible reality is that the fact that he HAD become my whole life was a PROBLEM. I know that he made my life miserable and i had no joy, no fun and not even basic companionship. yet i clung to him like a vine. i don't feel like i am blessed - i feel like i am being punished despite all the cruelty and bad behaviour i put up with, they lie and turn round to blame us! we should be divorcing them - not the other way around. yet still i hurt - i hurt to an extent that i am almost paralysed with pain. i wish now i had never met him. i hope we both return to living our own lives and see them for how they really are - the sooner the better. x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
I am in so much pain every day. I know it's only been eight days since he left, two since he emailed to say he wasn't ever coming back & it's normal for me to feel pain.
Bottom line is I AM in love with my husband, it wasn't all miserable & the good did out weigh the bad.
Since coming here I have learned a lot. Biggest problem that was a catalyst to other problems was lack of communication.
I know he doesn't want to be a heavy drinker but for what ever reason isn't ready to take that step (or so it seems). Because I knew that from out dated conversations I was trying to support that the only way I knew how out of being naive about the problem. After a lot of reading & words from people here I have realized what I did was try to control him. That was never what was in my heart. The more I tried, the more it pushed him to pull away & feel powerless & drink. The more emotionally distant he got, the harder I tried. In my mind I was the one without power & was doing everything to save what I believed in, our marriage, the love we do share. What a vicious circle & I wish I'd had more information so I didn't play my part in things.
I know I will never understand being abandoned, never understand why he can't even bring himself to see me.
I did something that wasn't maybe such a good idea but I did it for me. It was important to me for him to hear my feelings. Maybe it was selfish but if he's going to walk away, I want him to walk away knowing what was in my heart. I sent him an email this morning being very open & honest.
I told him what I have been learning here, how me trying to help with something that was never my place to help with was indeed controlling & explained that wasn't what I meant to do. I told him I should have been open about how I was feeling about the drinking instead of reacting to see where his head was at. (Did he still feel it was a problem, was he in the denial stage...)
I let him know I loved him very much and I wanted him to walk away knowing the truth of my intentions/action.
That's what I said in a nutshell anyhow.
In my heart I don't feel like this should be the end. There is no reason why we shouldn't be able to at least talk about the things we've each done to see if there is a way we can incorporate both our needs in to saving our marriage.
I know, you all are going to tell me I shouldn't want to have him in my life, I shouldn't have sent it & that just gives him a "free pass" of sorts. However, I am in so much pain with him gone & have learned so much this last week. I thought it was all him but we both played our part in this. No, I didn't ask him to come home or talk or anything. I just needed him to hear that I took accountability for my errors & that I was sorry for not seeing it sooner.
Did it make me feel better to send it? Maybe? I am so heart broken & confused I had to reach out the only way I can. So, as most the time. Here I sit with tears pouring out, overwhelming pressure in my chest & extreme longing to just talk to him.
He very rarely checks email so I don't know when he will see it. I do hope he reads it & hears what I've said. Do I hope it will touch his heart & make him want to reach out? Yes. Do I think he will? No. Regardless, I have the internal comfort of knowing I told him the truth about my intentions so he doesn't hold harsh feelings in his heart about me.
(no, I am not blaming myself for all of this nor do I give that impression in the email, just taking accountability for me)
He told his family that he was leaving because I always throw him out & he's tired of having to live on the streets on & off. When I spoke to his sister she knew there was more to the story. I explained that he gets drunk, picks a fight & leaves. No matter how much I beg him to come back he stays gone for a few days eventually coming home (except this time). She figured as much. She & I had a long conversation & she told me when she spoke to him that he is still very much in love with me & she feels like after things have calmed down he will reach out. She told me the next time she talks to him she is going to tell him everything I said & try to get through to him that there is no need for something as extreme as divorce & he should talk to me. I am glad she is going to do this but like I told her, I don't expect him to reach out.
I am not sitting here in denial thinking there is still hope & am planning & moving forward as if it is over but if he reached out, I will not be slamming the door in his face. Make sense?
I am also not sitting here in denial that he has a problem that needs addressed but I do feel bad for my role as I would never have played the role of a codependent (none of us would have...) if I'd know that was happening. Instead I would have reached out here & started going to Al-Anon meetings to gain the tools I need to try & either have us find harmony or accept that there would be none.
I have so much regret for things he did, for things I did & wish I hadn't been so naive.
My heart is broken & I feel like I'm drowning in a puddle of tears...
Bottom line is I AM in love with my husband, it wasn't all miserable & the good did out weigh the bad.
Since coming here I have learned a lot. Biggest problem that was a catalyst to other problems was lack of communication.
I know he doesn't want to be a heavy drinker but for what ever reason isn't ready to take that step (or so it seems). Because I knew that from out dated conversations I was trying to support that the only way I knew how out of being naive about the problem. After a lot of reading & words from people here I have realized what I did was try to control him. That was never what was in my heart. The more I tried, the more it pushed him to pull away & feel powerless & drink. The more emotionally distant he got, the harder I tried. In my mind I was the one without power & was doing everything to save what I believed in, our marriage, the love we do share. What a vicious circle & I wish I'd had more information so I didn't play my part in things.
I know I will never understand being abandoned, never understand why he can't even bring himself to see me.
I did something that wasn't maybe such a good idea but I did it for me. It was important to me for him to hear my feelings. Maybe it was selfish but if he's going to walk away, I want him to walk away knowing what was in my heart. I sent him an email this morning being very open & honest.
I told him what I have been learning here, how me trying to help with something that was never my place to help with was indeed controlling & explained that wasn't what I meant to do. I told him I should have been open about how I was feeling about the drinking instead of reacting to see where his head was at. (Did he still feel it was a problem, was he in the denial stage...)
I let him know I loved him very much and I wanted him to walk away knowing the truth of my intentions/action.
That's what I said in a nutshell anyhow.
In my heart I don't feel like this should be the end. There is no reason why we shouldn't be able to at least talk about the things we've each done to see if there is a way we can incorporate both our needs in to saving our marriage.
I know, you all are going to tell me I shouldn't want to have him in my life, I shouldn't have sent it & that just gives him a "free pass" of sorts. However, I am in so much pain with him gone & have learned so much this last week. I thought it was all him but we both played our part in this. No, I didn't ask him to come home or talk or anything. I just needed him to hear that I took accountability for my errors & that I was sorry for not seeing it sooner.
Did it make me feel better to send it? Maybe? I am so heart broken & confused I had to reach out the only way I can. So, as most the time. Here I sit with tears pouring out, overwhelming pressure in my chest & extreme longing to just talk to him.
He very rarely checks email so I don't know when he will see it. I do hope he reads it & hears what I've said. Do I hope it will touch his heart & make him want to reach out? Yes. Do I think he will? No. Regardless, I have the internal comfort of knowing I told him the truth about my intentions so he doesn't hold harsh feelings in his heart about me.
(no, I am not blaming myself for all of this nor do I give that impression in the email, just taking accountability for me)
He told his family that he was leaving because I always throw him out & he's tired of having to live on the streets on & off. When I spoke to his sister she knew there was more to the story. I explained that he gets drunk, picks a fight & leaves. No matter how much I beg him to come back he stays gone for a few days eventually coming home (except this time). She figured as much. She & I had a long conversation & she told me when she spoke to him that he is still very much in love with me & she feels like after things have calmed down he will reach out. She told me the next time she talks to him she is going to tell him everything I said & try to get through to him that there is no need for something as extreme as divorce & he should talk to me. I am glad she is going to do this but like I told her, I don't expect him to reach out.
I am not sitting here in denial thinking there is still hope & am planning & moving forward as if it is over but if he reached out, I will not be slamming the door in his face. Make sense?
I am also not sitting here in denial that he has a problem that needs addressed but I do feel bad for my role as I would never have played the role of a codependent (none of us would have...) if I'd know that was happening. Instead I would have reached out here & started going to Al-Anon meetings to gain the tools I need to try & either have us find harmony or accept that there would be none.
I have so much regret for things he did, for things I did & wish I hadn't been so naive.
My heart is broken & I feel like I'm drowning in a puddle of tears...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Rainee,
Sorry you are going through this painful time as it is just the beginning. Trust me... it is hard to shake an alcoholic. He will be back.
What you have experienced is most likely the best it will be ever be and maybe it is enough for you at this time. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse... much worse in time.
We "train" people how we are willing to be treated and when people act inappropriately or unacceptably and we accept it willingly... well... they are going to take advantage of that if they are "toxic". Active alcoholics are toxic... always.
Whatever happens and whatever you choose to do (sometimes we simply have to walk something out in order to fully accept the truth of a situation) it would be so very, very wise if you continued on a course of self discovery about alcoholism and codependency.
Alanon,counseling, reading, reading, reading (there is reading list thread on this site) are all great things to put on your to do list.
I always tell people to always have a plan B for life. Take time to consider how life could be full and happy without your A. What were your dreams and plans before he came into the picture?
More will be revealed. Time marches on. We live, we fall, we pick ourselves up. we learn, we grow and we look back and are amazed how differently we feel about things in retrospect.
You need a new pair of glasses to look through and the best way to get those glasses of wisdom and experience is to learn and do. Alanon, a sponsor and the 12 steps are a lifechanging experience that everyone on the planet would derive great benefit from.
Keep us posted. We care. We have been there. I felt just as you do right now and thought I would die from the pain of heartache from my own XA's relapses. We were together for 4 years and have been broken up for 8 months.
Looking back I wish I could have accepted the truth as it was given when I first visited here years ago... but I couldn't. I had to sacrifice myself for four years before I accepted that he wanted to drink! He just wanted me to support him and stay with him and enable his drinking while playing me with stabs at recovery.
Sorry you are going through this painful time as it is just the beginning. Trust me... it is hard to shake an alcoholic. He will be back.
What you have experienced is most likely the best it will be ever be and maybe it is enough for you at this time. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse... much worse in time.
We "train" people how we are willing to be treated and when people act inappropriately or unacceptably and we accept it willingly... well... they are going to take advantage of that if they are "toxic". Active alcoholics are toxic... always.
Whatever happens and whatever you choose to do (sometimes we simply have to walk something out in order to fully accept the truth of a situation) it would be so very, very wise if you continued on a course of self discovery about alcoholism and codependency.
Alanon,counseling, reading, reading, reading (there is reading list thread on this site) are all great things to put on your to do list.
I always tell people to always have a plan B for life. Take time to consider how life could be full and happy without your A. What were your dreams and plans before he came into the picture?
More will be revealed. Time marches on. We live, we fall, we pick ourselves up. we learn, we grow and we look back and are amazed how differently we feel about things in retrospect.
You need a new pair of glasses to look through and the best way to get those glasses of wisdom and experience is to learn and do. Alanon, a sponsor and the 12 steps are a lifechanging experience that everyone on the planet would derive great benefit from.
Keep us posted. We care. We have been there. I felt just as you do right now and thought I would die from the pain of heartache from my own XA's relapses. We were together for 4 years and have been broken up for 8 months.
Looking back I wish I could have accepted the truth as it was given when I first visited here years ago... but I couldn't. I had to sacrifice myself for four years before I accepted that he wanted to drink! He just wanted me to support him and stay with him and enable his drinking while playing me with stabs at recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Oddly enough, I got the different pair of glasses yesterday afternoon...
Like I mentioned, yesterday was a HARD day for me. But about 3:30 I got a call for a job interview for today & they want to hire asp. FANTASTIC!!
This absolutely lifted my spirits & gave me something hopeful to focus on.
And then...
I get a call, don't know the number & answer it. It's the AF of AH. He screams at me "What the f*** have you done to Mike's door key!". I simply said "Do not call this number again" & hung up. WOW.
I was MAD. I sent my AH a message on FB & told him to keep his pit bull false friend away from me & if he needed something from me he could ask me himself. I reminded him that he was informed ahead of time the locks on the apartment would (and were) be changed & that management disabled the door key as he isn't living here (if he stays with someone else in the building it's not our problem). I asked him to stop throwing passive aggressive things my way that are causing me stress & pain as I am not doing anything to hurt him. I let him know if he needed buzzed in he could just call me from the intercom.
Got a response about an hour later saying he was in & didn't need my help & to put his stuff in the hall. Whoa, why am I getting such attitude?
I responded that most of it was already packed & down in the storage room & that I'd go unlock the door & to message me when he'd closed it up so I didn't have to go back down. I'm sure this was his AF's suggestion, feeding him full of "She's going to keep your stuff, you better get it". Problem with his scenario is I am not a bad person & would never act like that. Creep.
So after all that drama it left me feeling... MAD. Who the heck does this?
This whole thing as been so sick & twisted, sad, confusing, a total nightmare.
The fact that my AH refuses to see me, talk to me & ended our marriage in an email with no explanation is such the act of a coward. I am pretty horrified about all this.
I also know he read the long email I sent & of course, no response. I knew he wouldn't. No matter what, I'm glad I sent it as it was me taking accountability for my actions & I can know if this chapter closes like this, I "maned up".
So sad & cruel.
So, today I will go to my interview, hopefully ace it, get hired & MOVE ON. I will not reach out to him again, he does not deserve it & he pushed too far having his pit bull call me & yell at me.
Like I mentioned, yesterday was a HARD day for me. But about 3:30 I got a call for a job interview for today & they want to hire asp. FANTASTIC!!
This absolutely lifted my spirits & gave me something hopeful to focus on.
And then...
I get a call, don't know the number & answer it. It's the AF of AH. He screams at me "What the f*** have you done to Mike's door key!". I simply said "Do not call this number again" & hung up. WOW.
I was MAD. I sent my AH a message on FB & told him to keep his pit bull false friend away from me & if he needed something from me he could ask me himself. I reminded him that he was informed ahead of time the locks on the apartment would (and were) be changed & that management disabled the door key as he isn't living here (if he stays with someone else in the building it's not our problem). I asked him to stop throwing passive aggressive things my way that are causing me stress & pain as I am not doing anything to hurt him. I let him know if he needed buzzed in he could just call me from the intercom.
Got a response about an hour later saying he was in & didn't need my help & to put his stuff in the hall. Whoa, why am I getting such attitude?
I responded that most of it was already packed & down in the storage room & that I'd go unlock the door & to message me when he'd closed it up so I didn't have to go back down. I'm sure this was his AF's suggestion, feeding him full of "She's going to keep your stuff, you better get it". Problem with his scenario is I am not a bad person & would never act like that. Creep.
So after all that drama it left me feeling... MAD. Who the heck does this?
This whole thing as been so sick & twisted, sad, confusing, a total nightmare.
The fact that my AH refuses to see me, talk to me & ended our marriage in an email with no explanation is such the act of a coward. I am pretty horrified about all this.
I also know he read the long email I sent & of course, no response. I knew he wouldn't. No matter what, I'm glad I sent it as it was me taking accountability for my actions & I can know if this chapter closes like this, I "maned up".
So sad & cruel.
So, today I will go to my interview, hopefully ace it, get hired & MOVE ON. I will not reach out to him again, he does not deserve it & he pushed too far having his pit bull call me & yell at me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by rainiee
So, today I will go to my interview, hopefully ace it, get hired & MOVE ON. I will not reach out to him again, he does not deserve it
Rainiee, I asked above "what attracted you to an alcoholic" in the first place, not as a judgement (I was married to one, too) but as a question to spend some time thinking about. Have you read Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More book? How about Under the Influence?
Instead of focusing on what he is or isn't doing, or focusing on how much you love him, instead look inside yourself at what needs work that would make you be ok with someone who left you in a state of fear in this marriage? Who offered you little reassurance (disappearing and reappearing) and who blames you excessively? Someone who is not dependable or honorable in his words or actions.
I highly recommend Al-Anon right now, as its always a good thing to have a real-time support system, along with working through some step work. Check out our 12 step board here, too. I was amazed when I did the steps myself that I was historically choosing men who were not very good to me and then living in a state of denial and depression about it. Other people in my life could see it, but it took me a long time to see it myself. Now that I've recognized and acknowledged the pattern, I am in a much better place to avoid it next time. And although I know I am nowhere near ready for another relationship right now, there will be a next time. And I am armed with a lot of new tools and more self confidence for when that time comes.
No one deserves to be yanked around by someone else. It's cruel to use other people's feelings as a means of control and blame-shifting. Sure, people have bad days and sometimes act inappropriately, but what you describe is a complete lack of respect for you as a person, much less a wife and lover.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
No one deserves to be yanked around by someone else. It's cruel to use other people's feelings as a means of control and blame-shifting. Sure, people have bad days and sometimes act inappropriately, but what you describe is a complete lack of respect for you as a person, much less a wife and lover.
It's really sad to think the one man I decided to marry (I'm 41) & was trying to start a family with was actually a monster & I wish I'd never met him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by rainiee
It's really sad to think the one man I decided to marry (I'm 41) & was trying to start a family with was actually a monster & I wish I'd never met him. 
I went through all of the same emotions...I met my exA when I was 35, with two kids from a previous marriage. I got to drag them along on this roller-coaster ride. Now I am almost 41, and have pretty much used up my last chance to have any more children if I wanted to. Which at one time, I very much did. But I can assure you, I still have plenty of time for more relationships! There are lots of women on this board who have moved on into healthy relationships, even at our age, and live a happy and content life now. Heck, if I want more kids, I could foster or adopt if I wanted to. I am still young...the world is still full of possibilities!
We can be compassionate and forgiving without allowing people to abuse us anymore. Took me a while to accept that concept, but when I did, it was a huge weight off my back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 69
How are you doing today Rainiee?
(I'm sorry this post is out of order with the rest of them, I posted without seeing that there was a second page to the thread that continued today)
(I'm sorry this post is out of order with the rest of them, I posted without seeing that there was a second page to the thread that continued today)
Last edited by Hopscotch; 10-19-2012 at 09:27 AM. Reason: timing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Yes, I suppose you are right. It just feels like he is a monster right now. He was the first man I ever loved enough to marry (had an 8 year relationship with one man & never thought marriage- and it didn't end badly) & I never considered having kids with any one else. This is just a very hard pill to swallow but I know with time I will stop looking at it this way.
Since I am not an addict to anything if feels to me like "he's not a monster, he's an addict" is a convenient excuse to get away with being a bad person. It seems to me that this is just who he is to the core, booze or no booze. Sigh.. I don't know, this is all so ugly.
I know...with time...
I'm so glad you guys are here to talk to!
Since I am not an addict to anything if feels to me like "he's not a monster, he's an addict" is a convenient excuse to get away with being a bad person. It seems to me that this is just who he is to the core, booze or no booze. Sigh.. I don't know, this is all so ugly.
I know...with time...
I'm so glad you guys are here to talk to!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
