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Now he is being defensive & mean...so worried!

Old 10-18-2012, 06:54 AM
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Now he is being defensive & mean...so worried!

Hi again,
Two weeks ago my AH got a DUI. He was sorry & remorseful and said he would never drink again & how much he loved me & the kids...I was so happy! This morning when I asked him how many days he's been sober he blew up at me and got so angry. He doesn't want to talk about it and he is sick of everyone bringing it up! He is not doing any AA meetings or counseling..thinks he can do this on his own. I'm so upset that he is going to go back on his promise to not drink, I just needed to know your thoughts....I'm not feeling very positive anymore and I know I can not live life with a drunk.....Someone help...
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:16 AM
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Caligirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this with your husband. I remember your post from a couple of weeks ago wondering if the DUI would be his bottom.

Whether he drinks or not he is still an alcoholic. He always will be. It sounds like he is trying to white-knuckle his way to sobriety but sadly, sobriety is not the same as recovery. In the meantime, things are pretty much the same for your emotional well-being as they have always been. Nothing he is going through gives him the right to blow up at you, or to treat you like a burden. You are still worrying about his drinking and about your expectations and needs not being met.

I hope that no matter what he does, you recognize that what you want and need is just as important and what he wants and needs, and that you find a way to take care of yourself regardless of his decisions.

I am rooting for you, and sending strength your way.
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:19 AM
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Cali, are you going to al-anon meetings? They can be a tremendous help...face to face support with others who are going through the same things you are. Just white-knuckling on his part makes for a miserable alcoholic. He'll make you miserable too if you don't get some good support. You can learn to have serenity in your own life regardless of what your husband decides to do. Why not give it a try?
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:19 AM
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Caligirl,
I'm so sorry. I think you need to be prepared for him to go back on his promises. He's not working a program. From what I've learned and what I've experienced, it seems to me he may have been really scared by the DUI and the possible effect that you may leave him. Maybe his intentions were good when he made those promises. But it could also be that he made those promises just to pacify you and to maintain the situation he is in that allows him to drink and to be with you. My A was never really in recovery so, I can't say what to expect when they are on the right path. But I can say, that my A promised me many, many times that he would stop. I would be beyond happy! We would talk about it daily and feel good about the new life we would have without alcoholism. Then, suddenly, talking about it was no longer ok. He would be angry and say the same things your A did. Within days he would be drinking again. This happened more times than I can count - really, dozens and dozens of times.
I think your instincts are correct in telling you that you should be concerned.
You can't control it Caligirl. You can't. But you can control you and what you do with your life.
Keep posting. We care about you and we get it.
Hugs,
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:49 AM
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Cali, this sounds exactly like what my AH went through after his DUI. The remorse stage only lasts a few weeks. Then it turns into the anger phase. I got major blameshifting at that point and he, of course, blamed the system and was angry at the world, in general.

I always had suspicions that he would drink again, mainly because he wasn't working a program but also because he still had stuff hidden in his closet that he never threw out after the DUI. Pretty much told me what his intentions were despite the words that came out of his mouth. Sure enough, he was drinking about a month or so after the DUI but I didn't actually find proof of it until about 3 months after. I had kept my distance from him and started detaching after the DUI because I realized he was on a slippery slope and I didn't want to go down with him. I also threw myself into Al Anon meetings and got myself a sponsor, best thing I ever did FOR ME. My AH did jail time, had 11 days of home detention, and has to have his ignition interlock(breathalyzer) on his car for 18 months because his BAC was
so high. None of this stopped him from drinking and he still continues to drink(well, he was about 3 weeks ago, I don't know about right now). Anyway, my point is that you need to take care of you and decided if you want to go down with the ship or if you want to hang on. If you want to hang on, then I suggest you buckle up tight because it will be quite a ride and you'll need all the tools of Al Anon for YOU. Remember, you have choices and it's OK to be wrong sometimes. It's also OK to wait things out and just see what time reveals. Be gentle on yourself, you only have 1 life to live.
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
... I know I can not live life with a drunk...
Then you are going to have to figure out how to live a life without him.
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:10 AM
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If he was working a program and had intentions of staying sober, he would be proud to tell you how many days he has been sober.
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:29 AM
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I went through this with my axbf as well. Although he never got a DUI, he would get very angry and defensive if confronted about his drinking. Your ex may be able to quit on his own, but it seems rather unlikely.
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:46 AM
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Dear Caligirl, you will need to learn all you can about this disease that has turned your lives upside down. Start with the stickies at the top of this main page. Read all the suggested literature--everything you can get your hands on---and keep posting here as often as you wish. Alanon would be a tremendous support for you, also.

Active alcoholics cannot be expected to keep any promise (while still under the influence). Even while "sober", their brains are still under the influence. He is trying to "white knuckle". Many THINK they can control their drinking---but they can't. His disease is lying to him---he is in denial. You will have to back off--and let him discover this for himself. Meanwhile, you will have to think about yourself and how you are going to protect yourself. His recovery is up to him. And, your recovery is up to you.

Remember the serenity prayer.

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Old 10-18-2012, 11:10 AM
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Until an alcoholic starts a recovery program like AA, goes to daily meetings and gets a sponsor he/she will continue drinking. That we think things will change is simply denial. I hope you go to Alanon for the support and help of changing our own lives.
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Old 10-18-2012, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by headstrong View Post
If he was working a program and had intentions of staying sober, he would be proud to tell you how many days he has been sober.
Not necessarily. Oftentimes it's a very private, personal matter. Either way, if an alcoholic is working a program and focused on living a sober lifestyle (and a sober lifestyle is so much more than just not drinking), then the number of days sober shouldn't even be necessary for discussion. An alcoholic can be proud to tell you how many days they've been sober, sure, but more often than that it's more of a personal goal for the alcoholic, IMHO. And if they are working their program, then there's no need to ask because you can already see what the answer is.
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Old 10-18-2012, 02:00 PM
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" I'm so upset that he is going to go back on his promise to not drink."

His promises and words mean nothing...zero...he is not in a recovery program, IF he is not
drinking yet, mostly likely he will begin again...soon...very soon.

You need to work on you, get to some meetings, read Codependent No More, read all the
stickeys on the top of all the Family & Friends section, knowledge is power and you need to
understand the truth about addiction and be prepared to do what is necessary to protect yourself from this horrible disease,one that has no cure.
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Old 10-19-2012, 06:05 AM
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Thanks for all your thoughts. I think I kind of expected this to happen, but still hoped that it wouldn't. He told me he was sorry last night and that he was just in a bad mood. He said he hasn't had a drink in 14 days and doesn't plan to. Why couldn't he have just said that yesterday? I'm so confused and scared. I just want to crawl back into bed...
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Old 10-19-2012, 06:15 AM
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Because when alcoholics stop drinking, their emotions are all over the place. Part of the point of a recovery program is to help manage (at least somewhat) all of these emotions. But he's not working a recovery program, so his emotions are going to fly all over the place.
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Old 10-19-2012, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by SadHeart View Post
Then you are going to have to figure out how to live a life without him.
As harsh as it may seem, I second this idea, Caligirl. Your AH is doing exactly what my exRABF did right before his downward spiral. Make a few provisions for yourself -- social, familial, and especially financial.

Please know that I am absolutely not making any judgements or assumptions about your AH's commitment to sobriety. But from my own experience, I wish I'd realized earlier that I was already on my own the whole time. It's a lonesome business, loving an alcoholic... I spent so much time paralyzed by fear and confusion, and worrying about my ex's self-destructive behaviour, etc.

On the other hand, meanwhile, I had been pulling all the weight, by myself, all along. That's actually quite an empowering thought! I'm just hoping you have that thought sooner than I did.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that whatever money you may squirrel away will be used for a luxury tropical holiday to celebrate your AH's sobriety this time next year! But plan for the worst anyway, please...
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Old 10-19-2012, 02:29 PM
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Give time time.

Not that most of us haven't been and haven't endured plenty.

But, if there's anytime to be patient, compassionate and encouraging, it's now - the beginning days and months of sobriety.

And this is when you could use Al-Anon the most.

Peace.
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