Powerless...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It IS ugly! Don't let my "he's an addict..." line make you think I am not holding him 100% accountable for his crappy behavior toward his wife. Good Lord, he is a first class a-hole, in my mind.
It just helps to understand the why's...and for me, understand I really had no choice but to let my husband go, and that it was never about me. I was a convenient target.
It just helps to understand the why's...and for me, understand I really had no choice but to let my husband go, and that it was never about me. I was a convenient target.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good afternoon Rainiee,
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you've joined us on here. When I read your posts, I felt like I was reliving the first 2 years of my current relationship over again. My bf and I have been together for a little over 3 years now and the past year is when I finally started to see a tiny bit of progress. The first two years, we went through a lot of similar themes that you mentioned.
At first, my bf was head over heels. He always wanted to be around me. He "changed" a lot to impress me, then slowly, he was back with his friends. They all thought I was changing him when really I just kept trying to tell him he didn't need to dress differently, that he could go out with his friends and didn't have to cling to me all the time. They started to have negative feelings towards me and I started not liking them because whenever he hung around them, he would disappear, not text, not call, get completely intoxicated, etc. I started to blame them for a lot of the problems he had as well as the problems we had. Today, I've learned that while they were contributing to the equation, he made his own choices.
We broke up 2-3 times (I lost count) the first 2 years of dating and each time, it was completely out of the blue. The way he broke up with me was also always really weird. He would say he wanted to part ways, but then say that he hoped we will be together. It was SO confusing. I felt like he was stringing me along. We would break up for a month or two, never surpassed two, then he would come back and beg for forgiveness, tell me he was wrong, wasn't thinking, and that he wanted to be with me. I always took him back...whenever he came back, it was so much stronger than before. He didn't just call to get me back, he showed up to my house, to my job, etc to beg me to come back. It was not healthy, but each time, I was so ecstatic. We would try to address some of the problems we had, make a list of what we had to work on, and continue where we left off.
All this on and off and it never occurred to me that we weren't addressing the root of the problem--his alcoholism. We finally addressed it when he got a DUI and is now working the steps and trying to recover. He is on his 7th month of sobriety. It's still very tough though. He doesn't want to break up like he used to as we vowed that's no longer an option, but he does go into "I don't want to talk" mode still...the times in between are shorter, but it still happens. I remember a long time ago, before we broke up once, he ignored me for TWO months! In those two months, I had no idea what he was doing. I got ONE text that said he was going through a rough time, but that he was ok and will get through it. It was absolutely horrible.
Now he tells me when he doesn't want to talk, I leave him alone, and maybe 2-3 days later, sometimes one day, etc and he'll come around and say he was sorry. And now we live together so he sleeps on the couch whenever he gets in those moods. Something his sponsor told me "it's not as bad as it used to be, not as great as it's going to be".
Truthfully rainiee, if he hadn't gotten that DUI and gone to AA, I don't know where we would be right now...it probably would've spiraled worse and worse. The thing that I've learned and am trying to do every day is to take care of myself. When he says he doesn't want to talk, I have to nod, say ok, and leave it at that. The constant going back to argue, as why is he ignoring me always made it worse. I have to put myself first rather than argue and argue because the more I try to "fight" for us, the more I cry, and the more he isolates himself.
Please take care of yourself first. Don't blame his friend or anyone else. It's the disease and it's him choosing to let the disease run his life. Maybe if he talks to you again, maybe you can suggest he go to a meeting. Not too pushy, but a quick sentence as a suggestion. He'll go if he wants to and that's really all you can do.
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you've joined us on here. When I read your posts, I felt like I was reliving the first 2 years of my current relationship over again. My bf and I have been together for a little over 3 years now and the past year is when I finally started to see a tiny bit of progress. The first two years, we went through a lot of similar themes that you mentioned.
At first, my bf was head over heels. He always wanted to be around me. He "changed" a lot to impress me, then slowly, he was back with his friends. They all thought I was changing him when really I just kept trying to tell him he didn't need to dress differently, that he could go out with his friends and didn't have to cling to me all the time. They started to have negative feelings towards me and I started not liking them because whenever he hung around them, he would disappear, not text, not call, get completely intoxicated, etc. I started to blame them for a lot of the problems he had as well as the problems we had. Today, I've learned that while they were contributing to the equation, he made his own choices.
We broke up 2-3 times (I lost count) the first 2 years of dating and each time, it was completely out of the blue. The way he broke up with me was also always really weird. He would say he wanted to part ways, but then say that he hoped we will be together. It was SO confusing. I felt like he was stringing me along. We would break up for a month or two, never surpassed two, then he would come back and beg for forgiveness, tell me he was wrong, wasn't thinking, and that he wanted to be with me. I always took him back...whenever he came back, it was so much stronger than before. He didn't just call to get me back, he showed up to my house, to my job, etc to beg me to come back. It was not healthy, but each time, I was so ecstatic. We would try to address some of the problems we had, make a list of what we had to work on, and continue where we left off.
All this on and off and it never occurred to me that we weren't addressing the root of the problem--his alcoholism. We finally addressed it when he got a DUI and is now working the steps and trying to recover. He is on his 7th month of sobriety. It's still very tough though. He doesn't want to break up like he used to as we vowed that's no longer an option, but he does go into "I don't want to talk" mode still...the times in between are shorter, but it still happens. I remember a long time ago, before we broke up once, he ignored me for TWO months! In those two months, I had no idea what he was doing. I got ONE text that said he was going through a rough time, but that he was ok and will get through it. It was absolutely horrible.
Now he tells me when he doesn't want to talk, I leave him alone, and maybe 2-3 days later, sometimes one day, etc and he'll come around and say he was sorry. And now we live together so he sleeps on the couch whenever he gets in those moods. Something his sponsor told me "it's not as bad as it used to be, not as great as it's going to be".
Truthfully rainiee, if he hadn't gotten that DUI and gone to AA, I don't know where we would be right now...it probably would've spiraled worse and worse. The thing that I've learned and am trying to do every day is to take care of myself. When he says he doesn't want to talk, I have to nod, say ok, and leave it at that. The constant going back to argue, as why is he ignoring me always made it worse. I have to put myself first rather than argue and argue because the more I try to "fight" for us, the more I cry, and the more he isolates himself.
Please take care of yourself first. Don't blame his friend or anyone else. It's the disease and it's him choosing to let the disease run his life. Maybe if he talks to you again, maybe you can suggest he go to a meeting. Not too pushy, but a quick sentence as a suggestion. He'll go if he wants to and that's really all you can do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by mdkathy62 
Today, I've learned that while they were contributing to the equation, he made his own choices.
The people who know me & his family all know what is really going on. First off because my friends know me & second because his family knows him & I am not the first (or last?) relationship he has ruined with drinking.
What a frickin nightmare!! I am still in so much shock about all of this.
However, I am focused on me- not him & I really think I aced the job interview today!! Even if I don't get the offer I believe is coming...it sure boosted my spirits & my confidence. Funny, when the interview was over the guy said "Well you clearly have a great personality, very warm and approachable" all I could do in my head was think "thank you so much for reminding me who I have always been".
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