Thank God We're Back!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Thank God We're Back!!!!
Wow, I really, really missed this place. Considering I've only been a member for about 2 weeks or so, I did not realize how important a part of my life it had become. I come here to post every time I feel alone, sick and tired, frustrated, confused, upset, and no one condemns me for it, people actually empathise and tell me it's okay. It was hard to go a couple of days without having this support!!!
My Husband had huge rip roaring, abusive drinking episode this weekend (the culmination of this cycle), Saturday to be exact, and I posted all about it because that was all I knew to do to get it out. Then Sunday and Monday came around and he was so kind and sweet, attentive and loving, sober and all (guilty, I think it's called). This was the first time in about a month and a half that he actually spent 2 days sober (usually one is it). Wow.
I still tried to stay detatched, because this is what I am working so hard on, but it is sooooo easy to get sucked in when your alchoholic is being so reasonable and normal, and you think that maybe this time it might be it. He admitted to me that he had not taken his medication (for ADD, supposed to even out his mood problems and impulsivity) for over a week because he "forgot" (too drunk to care is more like it), and instead of lecturing him, I let it go, and only reminded him a couple of times that he should be taking it because it is worse to stop it abruptly. He knows all of this, he has done it many times before and the kids and I have suffered for it.
Tuesday rolls around, and my loving, sweet, attentive husband is suddenly ever so slightly late coming home, after he tells me over and over again that he will be home at a specific time. He has been drinking. I do not react, but inside I am screaming and crying because my good days are over, and the cycle has started again. I acted as if all was normal, spent the afternoon and evening with him, he was extremely helpful around the house, cleaning and helping me orgainize (Almost 8 months pregnant). I thought I would wait until the very end of the evening (bedtime) to approach him and really talk to him about how I feel and about what he has been doing. I figured the alcohol would be out of his system then.
Only, here's what happens instead . . . (at 8:30 at night)
His long lost cousin visiting from out of town calls, and invites him over from out of town. He makes a big show when he is on the phone of asking me if it is okay if he goes over there, it would only be for a little while, 45 minutes at the most, he hasn't seen him in 2 years, etc., etc. I was obviously and apparently not happy about it (damn him and his lack of impulse control and ability to say no), but I told him that I don't tell him what to do. This was good enough for him, he was on his way. So I snapped and started crying (so much for detatchment), and told him that I did not believe that he would be home in 45 minutes, or that he would be right back, because he never is. I told him that I had something very important I wanted to talk to him about, and he said how was he supposed to know that. I told him how was I supposed to know that he would be leaving at bedtime. I was very upset and stood in the driveway and watched him drive away, in all of his self-righteous indignation. (I was the horrible one, you see).
Basically, I knew this was his excuse to drink. So, obviously not following the great Alanon wisdom that I have really been trying, I waited up for him. He came home two hours later. He drove up with a open beer in a brown paper bag in his hand, he was drinking and driving. He did not see me, however, and he went and tried to hide the beer in the garbage can under some stuff. Also, stupid me, I left me purse out for him to get into (he absolutely can not be trusted with money, he is a compulsive spender and gambler as well), and he took close to $50.00 out of it. He came in, I said nothing to him, just put his comforter on the floor, and told him I did not feel well and did not want to sleep with him. (I hate his snoring when he has been drinking). He got all upset but I did not care, because at least I had peace.
This morning when I woke up, he was still miffed at me and wanted to know what he did wrong and told me how selfish I am and how blah, blah, blah. I just agreed. Back to detatchment. I then spent my whole day with the kids and did not care where he went or what he did. When we got home at 7:00 pm, there is a note on the floor "Had to go play basketball" Love you all so much, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Nevermind I asked him last week not to play anymore because I'm having a baby soon (and he agreed) and would like him close to home. Nevermind he hasn't seen the kids all day. Nevermind that some of his worst drunk moments have been as a result of the drinking that goes on before, during, and after these games. He even put in his note he would be home around 9:30. It's 9:40, what's your guess?
Stupid me. I have to always remember to be on guard, and when he has his sober moments, I forget. How do you stay detatched even when things are going good? Not that they are, now. Also how do I quiet the anger inside of me that wants to rise up? I get so upset that he treats me this way. As long as I am the agreeable, quiet, little wife that stays home with the kids all day and never, never disagrees with any of his behavior, he is one happy camper. But what about me? What about my feelings? What about my
My Husband had huge rip roaring, abusive drinking episode this weekend (the culmination of this cycle), Saturday to be exact, and I posted all about it because that was all I knew to do to get it out. Then Sunday and Monday came around and he was so kind and sweet, attentive and loving, sober and all (guilty, I think it's called). This was the first time in about a month and a half that he actually spent 2 days sober (usually one is it). Wow.
I still tried to stay detatched, because this is what I am working so hard on, but it is sooooo easy to get sucked in when your alchoholic is being so reasonable and normal, and you think that maybe this time it might be it. He admitted to me that he had not taken his medication (for ADD, supposed to even out his mood problems and impulsivity) for over a week because he "forgot" (too drunk to care is more like it), and instead of lecturing him, I let it go, and only reminded him a couple of times that he should be taking it because it is worse to stop it abruptly. He knows all of this, he has done it many times before and the kids and I have suffered for it.
Tuesday rolls around, and my loving, sweet, attentive husband is suddenly ever so slightly late coming home, after he tells me over and over again that he will be home at a specific time. He has been drinking. I do not react, but inside I am screaming and crying because my good days are over, and the cycle has started again. I acted as if all was normal, spent the afternoon and evening with him, he was extremely helpful around the house, cleaning and helping me orgainize (Almost 8 months pregnant). I thought I would wait until the very end of the evening (bedtime) to approach him and really talk to him about how I feel and about what he has been doing. I figured the alcohol would be out of his system then.
Only, here's what happens instead . . . (at 8:30 at night)
His long lost cousin visiting from out of town calls, and invites him over from out of town. He makes a big show when he is on the phone of asking me if it is okay if he goes over there, it would only be for a little while, 45 minutes at the most, he hasn't seen him in 2 years, etc., etc. I was obviously and apparently not happy about it (damn him and his lack of impulse control and ability to say no), but I told him that I don't tell him what to do. This was good enough for him, he was on his way. So I snapped and started crying (so much for detatchment), and told him that I did not believe that he would be home in 45 minutes, or that he would be right back, because he never is. I told him that I had something very important I wanted to talk to him about, and he said how was he supposed to know that. I told him how was I supposed to know that he would be leaving at bedtime. I was very upset and stood in the driveway and watched him drive away, in all of his self-righteous indignation. (I was the horrible one, you see).
Basically, I knew this was his excuse to drink. So, obviously not following the great Alanon wisdom that I have really been trying, I waited up for him. He came home two hours later. He drove up with a open beer in a brown paper bag in his hand, he was drinking and driving. He did not see me, however, and he went and tried to hide the beer in the garbage can under some stuff. Also, stupid me, I left me purse out for him to get into (he absolutely can not be trusted with money, he is a compulsive spender and gambler as well), and he took close to $50.00 out of it. He came in, I said nothing to him, just put his comforter on the floor, and told him I did not feel well and did not want to sleep with him. (I hate his snoring when he has been drinking). He got all upset but I did not care, because at least I had peace.
This morning when I woke up, he was still miffed at me and wanted to know what he did wrong and told me how selfish I am and how blah, blah, blah. I just agreed. Back to detatchment. I then spent my whole day with the kids and did not care where he went or what he did. When we got home at 7:00 pm, there is a note on the floor "Had to go play basketball" Love you all so much, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Nevermind I asked him last week not to play anymore because I'm having a baby soon (and he agreed) and would like him close to home. Nevermind he hasn't seen the kids all day. Nevermind that some of his worst drunk moments have been as a result of the drinking that goes on before, during, and after these games. He even put in his note he would be home around 9:30. It's 9:40, what's your guess?
Stupid me. I have to always remember to be on guard, and when he has his sober moments, I forget. How do you stay detatched even when things are going good? Not that they are, now. Also how do I quiet the anger inside of me that wants to rise up? I get so upset that he treats me this way. As long as I am the agreeable, quiet, little wife that stays home with the kids all day and never, never disagrees with any of his behavior, he is one happy camper. But what about me? What about my feelings? What about my
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Oops, he came home. I guess I will finish this later. I am too busy getting yelled at for throwing away his beer that he left outside on my car.
Any advice would be much appreciated!!!!!
Any advice would be much appreciated!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
2ndBest
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Waiting on the other shoe to drop is never fun is it? I have no words of wisdom as we are in the same boat.. :titanic :-(
I can say that you are not alone..never will be. You have found one of the best forums on the web.
I can say that you are not alone..never will be. You have found one of the best forums on the web.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
(((Best)))
I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes when my H drinks less than usual and actually makes it to the bed without passing out on the couch I think, maybe this isn't so bad. After 15 years I know that it is only temporary and that after a couple days he'll be back to normal and that the "making up the drinking" days will not be pleasant.
I think that one thing we need to remember is that nothing we do - detached or not detached - will have an effect on whether he stops drinking or not. The detachment is for us - not for them.
I think that ultimately the detachment should allow us to be an unaffected as possible by the bad times and able to enjoy the good times.
My problem is that I have detached so well that I am living on another planet. I literally never care where is he or what is doing, whether he drank three cases or a six-pack, whether he is lying or telling the truth. I wish he would just stay in the garage drinking until he passes out and leave me alone. I know that's not the goal here and I wouldn't recommend that you get to that point. I just have a hard time not caring what he is doing when he's drunk and then becoming a sweet, loving wife when he's less drunk. I'm working on it though.
Peace - L
I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes when my H drinks less than usual and actually makes it to the bed without passing out on the couch I think, maybe this isn't so bad. After 15 years I know that it is only temporary and that after a couple days he'll be back to normal and that the "making up the drinking" days will not be pleasant.
I think that one thing we need to remember is that nothing we do - detached or not detached - will have an effect on whether he stops drinking or not. The detachment is for us - not for them.
I think that ultimately the detachment should allow us to be an unaffected as possible by the bad times and able to enjoy the good times.
My problem is that I have detached so well that I am living on another planet. I literally never care where is he or what is doing, whether he drank three cases or a six-pack, whether he is lying or telling the truth. I wish he would just stay in the garage drinking until he passes out and leave me alone. I know that's not the goal here and I wouldn't recommend that you get to that point. I just have a hard time not caring what he is doing when he's drunk and then becoming a sweet, loving wife when he's less drunk. I'm working on it though.
Peace - L
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
Lorelai and 2nd Best, We may not like the information that we get as a result of working this program, but as long as we don’t ignore it, we’re still moving in a recovering direction. When we remove “them� from the equation we are freed that much more to address the problem of ourselves, and should we engage in the application of those steps, “happy joyous and free� is closer still. Each day our growth determination, and commitment grows we quite literally become a larger container for all that body of experience with which we will forge the recovery that is the life we always wanted and had not a clue how to affect.
Often it’s difficult to see and measure the changes that are taking place. We’re so used to having that “comparative� scale where we’re measuring our insides against someone else’s outside and coming off poorly. This is a whole “new� deal, and even the “rules� have been changed up on us, but it IS happening. Day by uncomfortable day the model shifts ever so slightly and your whole life will mirror that, recognition not too far behind. You’re right where you’re supposed to be, even if it doesn’t seem like that. Keep on keeping’ on, ‘cause you’re worth it.
Often it’s difficult to see and measure the changes that are taking place. We’re so used to having that “comparative� scale where we’re measuring our insides against someone else’s outside and coming off poorly. This is a whole “new� deal, and even the “rules� have been changed up on us, but it IS happening. Day by uncomfortable day the model shifts ever so slightly and your whole life will mirror that, recognition not too far behind. You’re right where you’re supposed to be, even if it doesn’t seem like that. Keep on keeping’ on, ‘cause you’re worth it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 28
My fear is of becoming like Lorelai -- detached to the point of no return. When H and I have a good day (or series of good days) I try to enjoy them for what they are -- problem is, just when I am beginning to feel like I have a husband and a partner again, I get a nasty, drunken reminder that the loving, supportive one is only part-time -- the other part of the time I have a drunken, sometimes nasty, loudly snoring roommate whom I don't trust and sometimes don't even like. It makes it harder and harder to trust the good times, knowing that they aren't consistent. I'm getting better at detaching when it gets bad, so that is a real improvement, but it still hurts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey there lil'bit,
It's hard to live a consistent life when you never know who you're going to be dealing with. And it's very hard to love someone who can be loving and fun to be with in sobriety and a complete horse's a$$ when they're drunk. Roller coasters are only fun at the amusement park.
I know where lorelai's coming from. I didn't detach, I unplugged. That didn't work, it just fueled the already raging fire that was burning bridges between Spicoli and I.
My problem is that I never seem to find the middle ground. I'm either completely in a relationship or completely out of it.
Ergo, I am still a work in progress.
Peace,
Gabe
It's hard to live a consistent life when you never know who you're going to be dealing with. And it's very hard to love someone who can be loving and fun to be with in sobriety and a complete horse's a$$ when they're drunk. Roller coasters are only fun at the amusement park.
I know where lorelai's coming from. I didn't detach, I unplugged. That didn't work, it just fueled the already raging fire that was burning bridges between Spicoli and I.
My problem is that I never seem to find the middle ground. I'm either completely in a relationship or completely out of it.
Ergo, I am still a work in progress.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
to "de" or not to "de"
The whole detachment thing is hard to figure. You have to detach or you're a wreck and you're living this totally reactionary life instead of living by your own choices. BUT.... having said that, I'm borderline de-stroyed by all my "detaching". I detached from beavis, from his actions, from my feelings about them, from my feelings..... well, from way too much that now I'm having to "attach" with again. I know there is a process, but I think the hurt just drove me to let it all go and prefer my company to anyone else's so much, I didn't need much else. I am a one-woman show. I parent alone, socialize alone (that doesn't make sense), EVERYTHING alone. And I'm terrible at asking and accepting help. I have these great folks in my life, and they are dying to be needed by me....... well, one more thing to work on, I guess. It's a good thing I'm still relatively young, so much time to keep working on stuff..... lorelei, you can hold me accountable to trying to attach again and be human, and I'll check on your progress, too. Let's not let eachother live on different planets. I'm finally just recognizing the lonliness of living as an island. God planned it beter than this.
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