Hooks, Lets talk about hooks
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Yeah, funny how their friends are all into you while you are playing nice, but when you argue, it's all about them.
I haven't heard from any of "our" friends in weeks. I actually am quite happy about it. They're addicts too, so they are just as guilty of this manipulative behavior. Misery loves company, I guess.
I haven't heard from any of "our" friends in weeks. I actually am quite happy about it. They're addicts too, so they are just as guilty of this manipulative behavior. Misery loves company, I guess.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When I discovered that Hooks existed, I learned that it helped to write out what each of my hooks were. Then I worked on Detachment. I could take a big step back, out of the sickness, and see when he was using them. As Choublak has basically said, my hooks are his manipulations. The manipulator KNOWS you (your hooks, your values, your vulnerabilities, what you WANT) better than you do. That's why you have to shift the focus off of the A and onto yourself. So that you can get smart about who you are, and get smart about the sick game the manipulator is playing.
My X would tell me THE MOST HURTFUL things that he had done, what he did with other women, because he KNEW it would hurt me to my core, cause me to become emotionally distraught, and come running to him to be consoled, because I am an emotionally dependent person. This is not the first time some a$$hole has used this on me. I have to build up my emotional strength and independence so this doesn't happen again.
My X would tell me THE MOST HURTFUL things that he had done, what he did with other women, because he KNEW it would hurt me to my core, cause me to become emotionally distraught, and come running to him to be consoled, because I am an emotionally dependent person. This is not the first time some a$$hole has used this on me. I have to build up my emotional strength and independence so this doesn't happen again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Thanx Learn2Live
You know I was going to start another thread about this next sharing but because this one was back up again I'll do it on this one.
I'm supposed to go at some point and test for my LNA licence in the next 5 weeks. I'm a bit nervous about it. Anyways it's like a 1.5 hour drive from where I live, nowhere I've been before either.
So the other day I'm talking to the S.O who is away on the road right now about the whole thing, and he said "well I'll probably be there so I'll take you."
I got thinking about it and I was so disappointed over Thanksgiving and so let down I just don't feel like counting on something else and being let down again that I contacted the testing place to see it I can do it in the next couple of weeks while he is away. They will get back to me tomorrow about it.
I don't know if he's playing with hooks or what but I may as well do it while he's not here,get myself there and get it over with if I can.
You know I was going to start another thread about this next sharing but because this one was back up again I'll do it on this one.
I'm supposed to go at some point and test for my LNA licence in the next 5 weeks. I'm a bit nervous about it. Anyways it's like a 1.5 hour drive from where I live, nowhere I've been before either.
So the other day I'm talking to the S.O who is away on the road right now about the whole thing, and he said "well I'll probably be there so I'll take you."
I got thinking about it and I was so disappointed over Thanksgiving and so let down I just don't feel like counting on something else and being let down again that I contacted the testing place to see it I can do it in the next couple of weeks while he is away. They will get back to me tomorrow about it.
I don't know if he's playing with hooks or what but I may as well do it while he's not here,get myself there and get it over with if I can.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No I'm not.
I'm tired of participating in my own set-ups.
And after reading the traits of alcoholics about the words they us, the word PROBABLY doesn't make me feel very comfortable.
I'm tired of participating in my own set-ups.
And after reading the traits of alcoholics about the words they us, the word PROBABLY doesn't make me feel very comfortable.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Are you normally dependent on him to drive you to places you are unfamiliar with?
I agree, take yourself there yourself. You don't need him to do it.
I agree, take yourself there yourself. You don't need him to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
Hooks....
Some of the hooks that reeled me in were:
-"but we are soulmates"
-"you are just going to give up and walk away? What about all of the good times? You never remember the good times we had? (notice the word "had". Even he realized this subconsciously)"
-"Please don't leave! It's the disease!"
-"what about the dogs?" (he knows I love dogs and had quickly gotten attached to his two...)
The biggest hook was his charismatic personality. He is a fun and energetic person (but the chaos quickly overwhelms......)
Some of the hooks that reeled me in were:
-"but we are soulmates"
-"you are just going to give up and walk away? What about all of the good times? You never remember the good times we had? (notice the word "had". Even he realized this subconsciously)"
-"Please don't leave! It's the disease!"
-"what about the dogs?" (he knows I love dogs and had quickly gotten attached to his two...)
The biggest hook was his charismatic personality. He is a fun and energetic person (but the chaos quickly overwhelms......)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
What helped me was realizing ways to not allow myself to be hooked to begin with - and it really centered on my need to be "right"...to justify and defend myself. I finally gave up the need to be right, accepting that I can feel what I feel and think what I think regardless of what anyone else says or does, and I don't need validation from others for it. But it has taken time and serious self awareness to get to that place!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Ever let it all out on someone else?
In dealing with relapse and potential relapse I have been calm as a cucumber with the A.
Today - in a meeting - I literally exploded like a crazy woman. Crazy lalala looo woo hoo.... wasn't a business meeting rather a meeting with 2 busy body HOA board members. My A is legally disabled due to severe diabetes. I was called to a meeting this morning with no knowledge of what they wanted. Turns out they thought his handicapped sticker was expired. They had stacks of papers all over the table handing me things I swear I went into tunnel vision SO UNLIKE ME then I started crying. They looked at me like WTF? then I realized that he is not expired he just got new tags (regardless that one of the men is familiar with A's problem as they had a lengthy discussion about his insulin pump and how it works).
I told them its not expired then I simply exploded. Crazy exploded. Threw the papers up in the air - threw them at them. All the while voice escalating till I was screaming "Don't EVER f*****g call me down here again for ANYTHINGGGGGG!!!!!!!"
I can have a temper. The normal me would have simply pointed out the mistake, perhaps with some sarcasm, but this was out of control.
I felt embarrassed most of the day.
However, I will say this - for all the times I have been in meetings or dealing with clients - when you have that moment that you are pushed over the edge, and you fantasize about screaming - it kind of felt good just to let it rip for once. Can't make a habit of this gotta find another outlet to let the anger out. I didn't think it was there but boy it sure is
Anyone else had this same experience?.
Today - in a meeting - I literally exploded like a crazy woman. Crazy lalala looo woo hoo.... wasn't a business meeting rather a meeting with 2 busy body HOA board members. My A is legally disabled due to severe diabetes. I was called to a meeting this morning with no knowledge of what they wanted. Turns out they thought his handicapped sticker was expired. They had stacks of papers all over the table handing me things I swear I went into tunnel vision SO UNLIKE ME then I started crying. They looked at me like WTF? then I realized that he is not expired he just got new tags (regardless that one of the men is familiar with A's problem as they had a lengthy discussion about his insulin pump and how it works).
I told them its not expired then I simply exploded. Crazy exploded. Threw the papers up in the air - threw them at them. All the while voice escalating till I was screaming "Don't EVER f*****g call me down here again for ANYTHINGGGGGG!!!!!!!"
I can have a temper. The normal me would have simply pointed out the mistake, perhaps with some sarcasm, but this was out of control.
I felt embarrassed most of the day.
However, I will say this - for all the times I have been in meetings or dealing with clients - when you have that moment that you are pushed over the edge, and you fantasize about screaming - it kind of felt good just to let it rip for once. Can't make a habit of this gotta find another outlet to let the anger out. I didn't think it was there but boy it sure is
Anyone else had this same experience?.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 44
I only spot the hooks that don't really work. I think I might still be falling for the ones that work.
The hooks that the ABF tries to use on me but don't really work are about things he's done in the past for me. For example:
ABF: "But I put up all those shelves and waited in for the sofa to be delivered. You can't ask me to move out."
[Me: "So? You offered to do those things, you never mentioned they had strings attached - let alone that the string would be a lifelong right to stay here! I've paid the mortgage and all the bills alone. I can't live with you any more. Find somewhere else to live."]
ABF: "But we've had such good times together. Remember that holiday? That weekend away?"
[Me: "I remember. But your behaviour has changed. I can't live with it any more. Find somewhere else to live."]
ABF: "But I love you. I really really love you. I need you."
[Me: Thanks, I appreciate you saying that. I can't live with you any more. Find somewhere else to live."]
NB The first time, this was really hard to say. Very hard to not say "I love you too" when I've spend years saying it in response. After the first time, it got easier.
As you can probably tell, I began to find that just saying the same thing over and over ("Find somewhere else to live") was the only thing that seemed to sink in. Lengthy explanations of my feelings about his alcoholism - they didn't seem to sink in, and they didn't cause any changes in his behaviour. They just tied me up in knots.
Saying calmly "I can't live with you any more. Find somewhere else to live" almost every time I saw him - that changed his behaviour. He moved out, I immediately felt much more comfortable in my home - and that helped me feel better equipped to deal with him, instead of just screeching at him.
I found that in my conversations with ABF, it helped me to imagine writing out the dialogue on this forum: what would the SR veterans make of this? It helped me in deciding whether something the ABF was a 'hook' to manipulate me. Before, I'd have reacted in the same way I did before: treasuring any reminder of our unique, special closeness and mutual love.
Imagining writing the dialogue on this forum also helped me reign in my anger a bit (I'd have been embarrassed about it!), which helped keep our conversations calmer - and therefore less distressing for me.
Not sure that's really answered your question Earthworm but thought I'd share in case it's helpful.
Take care
SG
x
The hooks that the ABF tries to use on me but don't really work are about things he's done in the past for me. For example:
ABF: "But I put up all those shelves and waited in for the sofa to be delivered. You can't ask me to move out."
[Me: "So? You offered to do those things, you never mentioned they had strings attached - let alone that the string would be a lifelong right to stay here! I've paid the mortgage and all the bills alone. I can't live with you any more. Find somewhere else to live."]
ABF: "But we've had such good times together. Remember that holiday? That weekend away?"
[Me: "I remember. But your behaviour has changed. I can't live with it any more. Find somewhere else to live."]
ABF: "But I love you. I really really love you. I need you."
[Me: Thanks, I appreciate you saying that. I can't live with you any more. Find somewhere else to live."]
NB The first time, this was really hard to say. Very hard to not say "I love you too" when I've spend years saying it in response. After the first time, it got easier.
As you can probably tell, I began to find that just saying the same thing over and over ("Find somewhere else to live") was the only thing that seemed to sink in. Lengthy explanations of my feelings about his alcoholism - they didn't seem to sink in, and they didn't cause any changes in his behaviour. They just tied me up in knots.
Saying calmly "I can't live with you any more. Find somewhere else to live" almost every time I saw him - that changed his behaviour. He moved out, I immediately felt much more comfortable in my home - and that helped me feel better equipped to deal with him, instead of just screeching at him.
I found that in my conversations with ABF, it helped me to imagine writing out the dialogue on this forum: what would the SR veterans make of this? It helped me in deciding whether something the ABF was a 'hook' to manipulate me. Before, I'd have reacted in the same way I did before: treasuring any reminder of our unique, special closeness and mutual love.
Imagining writing the dialogue on this forum also helped me reign in my anger a bit (I'd have been embarrassed about it!), which helped keep our conversations calmer - and therefore less distressing for me.
Not sure that's really answered your question Earthworm but thought I'd share in case it's helpful.
Take care
SG
x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by SundayGirl2012
As you can probably tell, I began to find that just saying the same thing over and over ("Find somewhere else to live") was the only thing that seemed to sink in. Lengthy explanations of my feelings about his alcoholism - they didn't seem to sink in, and they didn't cause any changes in his behaviour. They just tied me up in knots.
Saying calmly "I can't live with you any more. Find somewhere else to live" almost every time I saw him - that changed his behaviour. He moved out, I immediately felt much more comfortable in my home - and that helped me feel better equipped to deal with him, instead of just screeching at him.
It worked, eventually. He is out of here. He still makes my blood boil every single night when he calls to speak to the kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
He is trying new tactics now. After a week nc he showed up to see the kids and I got many attempts at hooks, but only one worked....and now that I know it, I won't fall for it again.
"Ok, well I guess I will just go into the bank and ask them."
"I've talked to the accountant and I'm not impressed".
Although he did go to the bank, guess who didn't call the accountant. ...surprise, surprise.
"Ok, well I guess I will just go into the bank and ask them."
"I've talked to the accountant and I'm not impressed".
Although he did go to the bank, guess who didn't call the accountant. ...surprise, surprise.
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