BobbyJ

I have dealt with anger from day one, matter of fact, for years over his drinking!

A few months ago, he showed up on the back door. I thought I had did my amends and moved on...
Oh! Boy, was I wrong!
A few day's after he left, he called me and wanted me to tell him, it's over
he need's closure. From that phone call & visit - I got BITTERNESS!
Never dealt with that one yet.
It has literally ate at my gut. Has turned me upside down.

Yesterday, I was a bawling mess. (Yes, HALT too)
I called him and told him I was sorry for being bitter
I can deal with anger, but not bitterness, it is so not me

I told him:
We can be friends, but I will NOT be talked to like crap
I told him my trust is completely gone
You left me to drink, dont forget that
And you have only been sober for 90 days....
I believe they give you, 30, 60, 90 chips for a reason
I do miss you, but can not live with you
I deal with anger, everytime something goes wrong in the house, I always
blame you, instead of being real, this crap is just old and it will break
but its so much easier to blame, not fair, but human, working my steps
Im angry I cant even move forward with other people, I have no trust left
to give anyone. I dont believe one word that comes out of a mans mouth.


I know my heart is so very tender. Im like a policeman holding up there
hand in traffic...I wont let anyone get close to me. Not even an inch!
Im angry..

Am I angry at all of it - or have I not really let go?
I "CANT" even do lunch with another man, or I freak out
That's how bad I have it!.....Grrrr
He's a safe zone for me...and so are my married friends!


He is traveling thru the state today. Was suppose to have lunch.
About 4pm, {hungry} I called him to see where he was at
Of course, he had a change of plans with his work
But, once again, I thought he would of called to give me his update
Total "BRAIN DELAY"....Hmmmm????

But in our conversation, he did open up, way more than he ever has
before. A hint of honesty was thrown at me

But yet, No amends have been made to me or the kids
(That is anger) that I deal with - But I will NOT say anything to him about it
He admited that he is lazy working his steps, even his sponsor rides his rear end over it...
"Lazy" Not a word that I deal with very good.
For I have to work my hiney off, trying to keep up with the financial mess
he left me in...(That is anger)

This has really played with my head all day.....

Any Thoughts???.......I'm open to hear it straight on.
Did not see this all coming....WTH???

Thumper

My thoughts - I'm pretty sure I'd feel bitter, aggravated, resentful, and in general bad if I tried to establish any kind of friendship with my ex. I can be civil and around him as a co-parent and that us all I am willing to give.

Maybe if it feels so bad you should step back and get some distance/space. Listen to that gut feeling!

LaTeeDa

Agree with Thumper. It's been over six years since my separation. He's been sober for the last five, as far as I know. The best I can do is civility. No friendship, no talk about reconciliation. I forgive him, but I'm not going back there. Nope. It's over. I'm done.

L

Titanic

Most times you just have to wait until the meat's done cookin'. Still kickin' and raw is hard to swallow.

dollydo

By talking to him you have opened Pandoras Box, you are once again on a slippery slope.

Hon, he is not friendship material, there are many fine people out there who can be your friends.

You are allowing him to occupy too much of your brain space, he is who he is, you cannot make him feel regret, you cannot make him a good father, you cannot make him a good husband, you cannot make him anything he is not.

Might be time to give up on the "Lets Be Friends" idea, all it does is upset you and that will never change, however, the good news is that you can change, you can take your power back, life can get better...if you will just let go of him.

redatlanta

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

perhaps some of the bitterness is that you aren't (or can't) move forward. Your quote that you cannot even go on a date with someone else without "freaking out".

Agree with the others - not friendship material - not any material. Do what you need to do for you to get yourself in a better place.

ZiggyB

I would not talk to him at all if you can possibly help it... it's just stirring s*it up and right now you need to focus on healing...

Tuffgirl

Hi BobbyJ,
I can understand the bitterness. For you, sober throughout your ordeal with him, time crawled by very slowly as you dealt with the fallout of your finances, your business, and your children, not to mention your own emotions. For him, he was drunk until just a few months ago. He didn't have to feel any of that. So of course this is easier on him in that respect.

I got a few "sorry's" from my ex, and nothing to the kids. And he's been "sober" for almost two years (so he says). I have given up on any hope that he'd really acknowledge just how bad it was for me and my children. Honestly, I don't think he believes anything was ever "that bad", and I have "made up most of that in my own mind" (kind of paraphrasing from past conversations).

Just because someone gets sober and goes to AA, collecting their coins and eating cake does not make them a good man, one who honors his commitments, takes responsibility for himself and his actions/behavior, and who practices full accountability in life. It makes them a sober man. There is a huge difference.

No contact really helps me deal with residual emotions. Maybe you are finding that you are better off simply not having him in your life at all?

lillamy

Yes. That.

Now, my AXH is drinking again. But I was furious at him when he was at the point of sobriety where your AXH is now. He was 90 days sober and behaved as if the world owed him a fracking Nobel Prize or something. It was as if staying sober for 90 days meant everything he had done over the past 20 YEARS was wiped away and we should throw him a parade down Main Street. Because he had done for 90 days what most people do most of their lives -- stay away from drinking themselves into oblivion every night.

So I'm saying your AXH's behavior probably isn't that abnormal.
And neither is yours.

It's like... he drove the car that crashed into you, and he walked away from the crash and you've just started working on healing your injuries. It's unfair and it's not difficult to become bitter.

I'm kind of thinking Dolly has a point here. Every time you talk to him, you are reminded. Maybe no contact would be better? Make it easier for you to focus on the road forward rather than the road behind?

NYCDoglvr

I don't understand. If he's you're ex, why are you with him? Our hearts mend in time, distance gives more perspective. But engaging in the same angry dance keeps bitter feelings at the forefront.

BobbyJ

Got some sleep last night and really prayed about this

We have always been friends. Even thru all of the bs we went thru

I can live with anger, but I cant live with bitterness

It was the way I treated him and talked to him last time he came thru town

Doesnt mean I will talk to him on a daily basis, but when I do, I will talk to him
like a human being and not dragon with fire spewing out of my mouth
That is NOT good for me!!! (Lesson Learned)

We still have a house in our names, that is currently up for sale and a few business
deals that are inter-twined. And until those, are all gone/sold off, there are times
that talking between us are a must

I just have to remember, that when I am HALT, I can not think
that swimming backwards, is easier than swimmng forward
Backward's, with a person, is a comfort zone <---That's what he is
Forward's, with a person, can be scarey <----That's what Im dealing with

Time for a change today...<--------No more being scared, One foot on today, and one foot on yesterday...You know what I was doing yesterday!

lillamy

Amazing what some sleep can do, huh?

lizatola

Just coming on here to second this!

Learn2Live

Boy do I ever know what you are talking about here.
When I took Anger Management because of my own spewing and rage (I'm shaking my head just thinking about how I have acted many times in the past), the one thing that really helped was realizing that there is a huge expectation behind the anger. I have had to learn to accept that people are often not going to meet my expectations and start to get accustomed to that.

Also, please take extra good care of yourself after all that mess yesterday. Do something nice for yourself.

Cyranoak

Bobby. Please go no contact. Let me be clear that I am NOT blaming the victim here, but IMHO this is you practicing the fourth C and you seem to do it a lot:

1. Can't control him
2. Can't cure him
3. Don't cause his behavior
4. Contributing to his behavior by continuing to communicate with him.