NYCDoglvr

I'm surprised that you're surprised. Alcoholics have enormous self-will, they're in charge and control, will do it THEIR way. Until someone is ready to do whatever it takes, enter a rehab and seriously work a daily work a program of recovery they will go on drinking. I crawled into AA on my hands and knees 21 years ago willing to listen and take suggestions because it became clear that my best thinking got me drunk. I suggest Alanon where you'll learn that the alcoholic recovers on his/her time if at all. And, to learn to put the focus on yourself and not someone else's disease.

Hypatia

I sat back and just watched for a while as my husband stashed his bottles in our basement closet. Finally I went in there and cleared out 12 empties. I couldn't believe it, so I took photos to remind me. As I've been putting away summer clothes and bring out our winter stuff, I'm still finding more.

I'm in the middle of a weird Easter Egg hunt at the moment, clearing out everything while he's at rehab. I've had help finding hiding places by reading a few web sites where alcoholics have openly written about their hiding spots.

At least the closet is now bottle free:

dollydo

Wow...I never thought about taking pictures!

In 2010 I bought myself a new shed, I cleaned out the other one and transfered the junk to the new one. Guess what I found, lots & lots of empties and 4 unopened big boys in a bag with the receipt, dated 2007, right before I tossed him to the curb...I had an instant rush of bad memories.

Sure glad that part of my life is over.

CeciliaV

And nope, it wasn't the last time he drove drunk. Friday night, it happened again apparently. No, this is not the type of life I want to live. On weekdays, I try to get so enveloped in work that I forget about home life, floating through my evenings at home during the week, trying not to feel lest I feel pain, and struggling through my weekends & waiting for the work week again so I can go somewhere the stress level (although high) is manageable and where the stakes are less painful.

I called the BIL a little while ago. Let him know that things are escalating to the point of drunk driving. He told me to put AH on the phone, who refused to talk to him, because he KNEW what he would say & how he would tell him in no soft way how irresponsible it is to drive drunk. After a while of me talking to BIL on my own, AH got on the phone. BIL gave him the drunk driving speech. Told AH to imagine his niece in another car on the road, imagine that it's some other poor schlub who's trying to get home to his family after a long day, etc. AH is plowed (kept drinking out of the previously half-empty bottle, which is now nearly empty), so I'm not sure how much sunk in, but BIL told him what he needed to hear - what you're doing isn't working, so do something else; get the right help; trust your wife enough to reach out to her before you get drunk so she can be helpful and supportive. All things I've been saying for some time now. Again, not sure if any of it sunk in at all or if he'll even remember any of this, so I doubt any of this will make a difference.

I know I have to focus my efforts on me and getting me better. I know I deserve better than this. I know I want more than this. I know I deserve to have a good weekend that's not fraught with drunkenness and deceit and stress. I'm having a really hard time actually doing anything to make it better for me. Every week I say that this is the week I go to an Al Anon meeting. Every week I say that it's going to be different. And I don't go and it's not different, and he's not doing anything different (except for adding drunk driving into the mix). I'm having a helluva time drawing any sort of boundaries, since he's crossed them all and I am scared to leave him to his own devices. I feel like I'm just as bad and sick as he is.

When he dries out, I'm sure he'll want to talk, and I'm sure I will try to listen. I'm sure I'll have to fill him in on what happened today. And I'm sure that nothing will change if I don't change my approach and what I'm doing for me. And @NYCDoglvr, no I'm not surprised...just continuously disappointed that my hopes are continuously being dashed. Any small bit of progress is always washed away by multiple steps backwards in his sobriety and in my trust in him, which is at an all time low (not that there *IS* any trust at all at this point). What concerns me most at this point isn't his sobriety or his mental health or his honesty - it's his decision at least twice now to drive drunk. I do not want to police him and do not want to take away his keys, but I will if I have to in order to keep other people safe.

dollydo

I am not sure that I understand what your bounderies are, if any. When he is under the influence and driving it is like he has a loaded gun in hand, it can go off at anytime. If he mames or kills soemone while drunk, you are screwed you could lose everything, and he could end up in prison.

A very good friend of mine lost her 2 twin daughters at age 7 to a drunk driver,with a three time DUI record...the 4th time was the charm, he killed 2 innocent children.

My boundry with my exabf was, you drive drunk and I know it, I call the sheriff, I give them all the details including your plate number, he did, I did twice, he was arrested both times, lost his license and was put in jail. I did not bail him out, shortly after that I tossed him out, for good, he was arrested in my front yard, went to prison, it was his swan song.

Alanon was not an option, to me, it was a lifesaver, a must do. You need help, please stop making excuses, get the help you need. You know better, you want better...do it.

CeciliaV

Well, I made a step. My employer offers a staff assistance program that includes counseling, so I just called. And I cried. I poured my heart out to the very kind soul on the other end of the phone. She gave me kind words and support and suggestions. She asked if I would go to a session with a third party present with my AH & let him know what my feelings are..I'm not so sure about that. AH and his therapist have offered for me to come "join" or "listen in" on AH's sessions, but I just don't know. I get her point though - having someone else where to mediate while I healthily express myself may be good. (I'm only unhealthily expressing it when I get ticked off while he's blitzed, and that hasn't been doing either of us any good.) She asked me if I wanted to go to see someone myself so that I can start working on healing me, and I said yes. I'm going to hear back from them probably tomorrow with the contact info for counselors in my area that I can go to. I'm bawling right now. I don't know why the thought of going to see someone is making me cry like a baby, but it is.

dollydo

"She asked me if I wanted to go to see someone myself so that I can start working on healing me, and I said yes."

That is a good start.

Hypatia

Yes! I know it was a very difficult phone call to make, but you have reached out for help and been heard. Please do go through with seeing someone yourself. It will really help to be able to speak with someone face-to-face about everything you're going through.

Maylie

I'm sorry that your home life has become so bad that you would rather be at home then at work, that it has gotten to the point that you can't even enjoy a weekend. That being said, you need to make some boundaries. He is spiraling even more out of control and he is bringing you down with him. He is so far gone that drunk driving is now coming in the mix. You need to take care of you and you only. There is nothing for your AH that you can do. He needs to want help and as of right now he isn't ready. Have you thought about telling your AH that if he drinks you will not speak/deal with him that day? Speaking/dealing with him while he is drinking probally only adds to your pain and fustration. You could also consider telling him if he drinks and drives you will report him.

I hope you can find some peace, you do not deserve to live in this misearable cycle. Please remember that you need to take care of yourself. YOU matter. All that you are responsible for is yourself.

hugs

Maylie

CeciliaV

thanks, all. I do need to take care of myself and I haven't been doing a good job of that at all. In all honesty, I've been failing miserably on that front! I think that was the hardest phone call I've ever made. And I still am cycling into fits of sniffling and crying. It's like all of a sudden, I realized how deep a hole I've dug for myself and how hard it's going to be to work my way back up. I'm going to need a lot of strength (and tissues) to make it through this. Oy, and where is the Advil & Sudafed?! My head is all stuffed up and aching now.

CeciliaV

Well, today is a new day. I apparently was clenching my teeth for a good portion of yesterday, so my head is still pounding and my stupid sinuses are still aching. We've had little interaction had thus far. I asked him if he was walking the dog & him asking me if I would do it for him. I told him that if he was physically unstable and was unable to, I would...but that my head was pounding so I didn't want to if I didn't need to. I asked him if what he remembers from yesterday, and he said, "Too much." Well, too damn bad.

Last night, I got a call back from the phone counselor I spoke with on our home line - he picked up just as I was picking it up, so I told him to get off the phone, which he did. But then he came stumbling into the living room to plop down next to me as I spoke with her. She was calling to give me some Al Anon info (bless her heart, but she gave me two locations that were far and inconvenient...one was way downtown and the other was over a 2 hour drive away!). Anywho, he was questioning me about it after I got off the phone. I told him that I had reached out and called someone for help. He pushed and pressed and wanted details. I told him it was none of his business! He got upset and said that he talks to me about what he says/does in his sessions, and I told him that was his choice. What I talk about with someone else is MINE to decide whether to share. And I wasn't feeling in a sharing mood. He was upset and kept repeating, "none of my business, that's just terrible." Wah wah wah.

I'm trying hard to not start crying today and I need to get ready for work, so I don't want to go on for too long and get myself all worked up, but suffice it to say that I don't feel bad about telling him it was none of his business, because it isn't his business. It's my business. It's about me focusing on me for more than a millisecond. It's about me doing what I need to do for me to at least start to heal. I hope I have the strength (more like cajones) to actually GO see someone and to start going to support meetings. This is going to be a long, hard road. If I am going to have any hope of coming out of this a whole, unbroken person, I need to do this for me. I could use all the hugs & strength you all can muster to send my way!!

SparkleKitty

Hugs and strength to you. You have a small victory in your pocket today, and it is still early! Good job!

Titanic

Al-Anon meetings would do a world of good.

Hypatia

Al-Anon is ok, but see if your staff assistance program will cover one-on-one counselling with a psychologist. May as well take full advantage of any benefits offered by your company.

Titanic

Do both is what I had in mind.

CeciliaV

wow, can't believe I survived today. Headache finally went away, hallelujah. I did get a call from the counselor hotline folks today, but I was working and couldn't pick up...and oddly, the message they left me was that they got MY message and that I could call them back for whatever it was I needed. Hrm. Seems that the info didn't get through - they were supposed to call me back with names/contact info of counselors I could go to. I'll have to take a break tomorrow to call & follow up with them before I lose my gumption!

I did talk with AH today a bit. This morning, I asked if he had remembered what BIL said re: drinking & driving, imagining his niece there, etc. I told him that if I have to, I will take his keys away. And I will NOT stand idly by if he puts other people at risk, so if he drinks & drives, then I call the cops. I don't want to do it, but I can't in good conscience let him drive drunk & put other people at risk...I have to do it in order to keep others safe. He assured me it was the very last time. I want to believe him.

We chatted a bit this evening after he went to his Quad A meeting. The talk tonight was about what people want. AH said he wants his life back. He wants to be happy. And he's only happy when he's sober, not when he's drunk. This is a good step for him, but he has many steps to follow. He told me he really wants to drink; he feels like sh*t and really wants to feel better, and he knows he'll feel better short term if he drinks...but that he's not going to. I'm not sure if he's ever been honest with me about his urges when he's been sober. He also told me that he had two pints on Saturday and two pints again yesterday. I know there are A's out there who drink more, but to me, that's a HUGE amount of liquor.

While I'm going to focus a good chunk of my efforts on me and my recovery, I do want to stay as supportive as I can of AH. I am toying with the idea of going to one of his counseling sessions with him. I asked him tonight why he wants me to go, and he said that he feels like he expresses himself so much better there and he's not able to really express how he's feeling to me honestly. I told him I wasn't sure if he would be able to do that with me there, but I am willing to consider it, assuming the intentions are not to lure me into couples therapy (which I again told him I am not game for at this point). I told him about the suggestion of me having a safe place to express my feelings of how his actions have made me feel, and he got that, and he sounds supportive of it. I think the only way I'll go into a session with him is if this is the goal.

I also stumbled across some info on a couple medications that can be used by a recovering A to help. Anyone have any input on Rx's like Campral, Antabuse, or the like? He did have Librium for a few days after we did our last trip to the ER, but I'm not sure if he wants to go on that again or if he needs to if he's not going through heavy withdrawals. Beside, the first few days aren't bad...it's the 5+ days of sobriety that are the hardest for him (and me!).

And before y'all say it...yes, I am expending some effort on him and assisting him, I know. I don't consider this a waste of my time. I'm trying to be supportive and communicative in a positive, productive way. Almost any approach is better than what I have been doing (cuz lord knows that hasn't been working well!). As long as my main focus is on me, I think it's a good thing if I spend a little time on making suggestions for things that he speak with his doc & counselors & soon to be psychiatrist about.

Thoughts? I'm really curious to hear if anyone has had an A in their life who has taken medication to help & what your experiences have been.

For now, I'm off to la-la land. It's been a long, hard day and I need to rest my weary head. Tomorrow is another new day.

Titanic

You sound better!

His rehab counselor probably would not try to do any couples work with you and him.

As for Rxs, go to the Forum on Suboxone/Maintenance and look around and ask there. You'll get responses & info there.

I'd bag giving suggestions to his mental health crew or him. Keep the focus on You. Stay on your side of the street. It's "cleaner" that way!

dollydo

Concentrate on you, not attempting to resolve his issues. it took you all of 10 mins to start being all consumed by his problem and trying to figure out how to help him....this is not the
answer.

IMO couples counselling at this point is useless. He needs to get sober and start working a strong recovery program. He goes to his counselling, you go to yours, you each formulate your own questions and relationship with the counseler.

As for the RX's, they only work if the patient takes them, many start and then stop because it makes them sick if they take the meds and drink...so they choose drinking.

Support him by getting yourself healthy, support him by setting healthy bounderies, support him by becoming his equal partner in this relationship, not his mommy.

I know that you wanna help, so did I, all it did was keep my ex from hitting his bottom, I was part of the problem, I became as sick as he was.

CeciliaV

Maybe I'm wrong, I don't think that me working on me and me being supportive of his path to sobriety are mutually exclusive. I spent maybe 5-10 minutes on googling & reading a few things about Rx's and am just asking if others have had any personal experiences to relay. I don't see that as a terrible thing. I also am not going to do couples counseling at this point. I told him as much. I am only entertaining the idea of having a "mediator" present for me to communicate to him in a healthy way and in a healthy environment what impact his actions have had on me...and I would only do this for me, not for him. I can't be his mommy, and I won't be his mommy. I can't make him not drink, and I can't make him work his recovery. I know these things. But if taking away his keys so he can't drive drunk means being a mommy, then hell, I'll be the mommy in that moment to protect other people out on the streets!

dollydo

I can personally tell you that hiding an alcoholics keys has not worked for me. What worked is setting a boundery, if you (ex) are drinking/drunk and get behind the wheel I will call the police, give them all the information. I had to do it twice, he was arrested both times, and, I would not hesitate to do it again. All hiding the keys did was to put myself in
a very abusive situatiion.

I hope that your plan works out for you.