Dating a Recovered A?
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Key is your own recovery, IMHO.
How strong are you in your recovery, how much are you still holding on to from before (baggage), how well are you able to spot and deal with red flags, why do you think the guys mostly turn out to be recovered alcoholics (what's the pool?), can you date around without becoming attached (if you're just testing the water), and are you really ready?
How strong are you in your recovery, how much are you still holding on to from before (baggage), how well are you able to spot and deal with red flags, why do you think the guys mostly turn out to be recovered alcoholics (what's the pool?), can you date around without becoming attached (if you're just testing the water), and are you really ready?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by owathu 
Ziggy, I think what stands out most for me in your posting is the quote "I met a man recently who is interested in me...". I guess it says to me that you might be letting the other person choose you, as opposed to you actually choosing the other person instead. Do you know what I mean?
You don't have to take things slowly, you don't have to date. You shouldn't have to settle for :Well, at least he's not a drunk.
Are you sure you are in a place that is healthy enough to start dating? I am maybe a month less out than you, and there is no way, no how I am at all interested in going out with some guy. I am just so not interested.
We all have our own timetables, so, if you think you are ready and not just trying to bury the pain, then by all means. But, at least when you do start dating, make sure you are dating someone you want to date and not because, "at least they aren't" and "well,they're interested in me". Are you interested in them? That is the question.
You don't have to take things slowly, you don't have to date. You shouldn't have to settle for :Well, at least he's not a drunk.
Are you sure you are in a place that is healthy enough to start dating? I am maybe a month less out than you, and there is no way, no how I am at all interested in going out with some guy. I am just so not interested.
We all have our own timetables, so, if you think you are ready and not just trying to bury the pain, then by all means. But, at least when you do start dating, make sure you are dating someone you want to date and not because, "at least they aren't" and "well,they're interested in me". Are you interested in them? That is the question.
Thanks for your post. I am interested in dating, but just in terms of going out and having fun. I know there is no way I am ready to be in another serious relationship right now. I do have some fear of intimacy issues I am working on.
I am interested in him too, and not just because he isn't a drunk. He otherwise seems funny, smart and we have some things in common.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Yeah this is exactly what I am afraid of - I don't actually need to date an alcoholic though, I'm just tired of dating binge drinking lushes and was hoping to find someone who's sober. It's gotten too complicated.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Ziggy, go have fun. It is scary, the first cute guy who asked me out after I left my husband kept begging for my to go have drinks. It put me into a tailspin. I realize I am not ready. I wish I could just go have fun, but I am not even at that stage yet. One of my favorite quotes about this issue is:
"I have a lot of baggage but at least it is all cute and matches!"
If you are ready have a fun, you don't have to marry him.
4MyBoys
"I have a lot of baggage but at least it is all cute and matches!"
If you are ready have a fun, you don't have to marry him.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
It is always a choice you have to try again, and I agree atleast you know what to look for. I know people that have great lives in a relationship with these issues and others that are miserable. I guess the difference is "you" and what your boundaries are and what you are or aren't willing to deal with. You should always do you..what makes you happy, and if you ever feel like you are starting to lose yourself in the relastionship again than you know it's not right. All relationships have issues, not just alcohol or drugs, those seem to be the ones we pick at the worse. I know people that have shopping, eating and hobby addictions, even animal addictions. These are really all the same it's just a matter of what control the addiction plays in the relationship I think. (Just my thought)
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
You know, I'm only glad my husband of nearly 7 years wasn't talkin' to you folks when we met! I'd been past my addiction for around 6 years when we met...and far from being fearful about my relapsing or being a general nutjob, he was impressed with my compassion and strength of spirit.
I'm pretty sure he is happy with his choice.
It makes all the sense in the world to steer clear of someone who is brand new to recovery or still actively addicted but someone sober 11 years, who has their stuff together?
...or is it that we never get a second chance?
...or are we like, well...lepers?
I'm pretty sure he is happy with his choice.
It makes all the sense in the world to steer clear of someone who is brand new to recovery or still actively addicted but someone sober 11 years, who has their stuff together?
...or is it that we never get a second chance?
...or are we like, well...lepers?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by onlythetruth
It makes all the sense in the world to steer clear of someone who is brand new to recovery or still actively addicted but someone sober 11 years, who has their stuff together?
...or is it that we never get a second chance?
...or are we like, well...lepers?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It is not about you at all. It is about us. The triggers that we have not left behind. The particular kinds of risks we are comfortable with based on scars that are now part of us.
Speaking only for myself it maybe isn't about trusting someone else - wagering on their recovery. It might be trusting myself, wagering on my own recovery. I feel like my recovery is going OK - doesn't mean I want to tempt the fates and drink codie koolaid.
Definitely speaking only for myself in this post.
Speaking only for myself it maybe isn't about trusting someone else - wagering on their recovery. It might be trusting myself, wagering on my own recovery. I feel like my recovery is going OK - doesn't mean I want to tempt the fates and drink codie koolaid.
Definitely speaking only for myself in this post.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I agree with Thumper. It isn't about the A at all. It is about taking care of ourselves with respect to what some consider the codependant's addiction...i.e the alcoholic or abuser and our excessive need to nuture and care for the A.
I honestly place zero judgement on a recovered A or even on a active A, but I know how I operate and that I need to beware of going back to the situation I left years ago.
I honestly place zero judgement on a recovered A or even on a active A, but I know how I operate and that I need to beware of going back to the situation I left years ago.
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