itsmylifenow

So, I went out on a date the other night with a guy I dated last year for a bit.

We had a lot of fun. There was conversation about all kinds of things, we took a walk in the moonlight by the water, he listened to what I said and had his own questions and observations, he questioned constantly whether I was warm enough and offered to go get my sweater for me. And he kissed me goodnight with more intimacy and passion than xabf ever did in 3 years.

When I mentioned all this to my gf she tells me that this is how most guys are.

And, I questioned it. Really? Because this is all amazing to me. Is she sure about this? Because I only know selfish, emotionally unavailable, lying, cheating bf's who aren't capable of caring about anyone but themselves. Whose needs come first. Who have to do what they want to do or they will be miserable and throw a fit like a 5 year old.

I know I'm not ready for another relationship, but I also know I feel this desperate need inside to just be normal again. I want the happy ending with the guy who loves and respects me. Who I can do normal things with again. It's just been so long and I feel so damaged still that it seems like it could take a long time to ever get there again.

Meanwhile, I feel the Codie in me coming through. I want to grab on to this guy, make him see how worthy I am, do things for him, throw myself into a relationship with him. I basically want to go from 0 to 60 and be there already.

I'm glad I at least am aware of this stuff now and I'm not acting on it, but damn is it hard. Just when I think I've gotten over one hurdle I realize it's still there. I'm still looking for love and comfort...at least I'm looking in the right places instead of going back to the wrong ones, but sometimes that doesn't feel like much of a consolation.

Confetti

I know what you mean!

For so long that emotionally unavailable, selfish, hollow man I loved didn't really love me back, even though I couldn't see it. I went out with my girlfriends the other night, just to let loose. I hadn't been out dancing for YEARS! It was so much fun! I danced with a man to some country song and we were flinging around the dance floor and I thought to myself, that I hadn't been touched like that in years. He had one hand on my back and the other in my hand, but I truly hadn't felt the warmth radiate fromSTBXAH in so long that I forgot how good it feels. That is where it ended, just dancing, as I am not ready to move forward to another relationship by any means, but for an instant I had this twinge, that I need to get his number and call and blah,blah, blah. I didn't get a number, it didn't matter. But it did open my eyes that there is a lot more waiting for me on the other side of this than I thought.
You'll get there! But isn't it so nice to know that there are nice men out there!?

itsmylifenow

Yes, that's it exactly!

It's like being in a cave for years without any light. One day a tiny crack appears and a bit of light comes in. At first, you don't even know what it is. But, then you remember it. So, you start to experience the light again. And, you want more. You begin to chip away at the the crack to let more light in until you can feel the warmth. And, it feels good. And, you realized how much you missed it and want it back in your life.

That's my analogy of it anyways!

ZiggyB

Yeah,
I know how you feel...

Dating after the relationship with my A. has been a challenge to say the least. Deep down inside I wonder when will I get screamed at? when will I get attacked? When will the critical and angry emails and phone calls start?

Believe me I am quizzing people about their drinking habits and definitely steering clear of anyone who hangs out at bars. I know that people can lie, but I hope I will see the red flags coming from miles away...

This weekend was tough for me. I mentioned I had seen my ex on the street and this prompted a whole new session of anxiety and sadness. Bummer!

Anyway I hope you can enjoy yourself, yes there are nice guys out there just make sure you are careful. A friend of mine suggested making a list of what qualities you are looking for plus try to have your boundaries in place before you start seeing someone new. I am a complete pushover so I really need to work on that myself.

good luck

MTBChick

I know how you all feel. With the first A it took me a good 3 years before I was ready to really date. I just recently went out on a date with a new guy this past weekend. It felt great complelty different then with the A. I enjoyed myself but, I was also feeling awkward and that's just bc my picker has been off for so long that normal and healthy seems awkward. The new guy contacted me to see if I wanted to do something this evening. I told him I would love to but have to work on lesson plans this evening. So he suggested meeting at Starbucks as he had stuff he needed to work on and I could work on my lesson plans. I've agreed to meet him there. This would have never been suggested by the XABF. I just have to keep believing I'm worth it and deserve nothing but the best!

Titanic

@ MTBChick: so much for the lesson plans ... LOL! Good for you.

@ IMLN: How long has it been since you separated from the xabf and processed the separation? How many months of recovery work? My experience is that those issues are important.

MTBChick

@Titanic - I'm actually getting work done.... in face we both are!

Titanic

@ MTB Chick: That's why you have time to post here too! LOL!

itsmylifenow

We've been apart about 6 weeks or so I think and I started recovery work about the same time. Actual recovery work, not seeing the shrink every month while I was dating him.

I know it's not a lot of time. And, I know there are still lots of triggers and issues going on.

The guy I chose to go out with was someone I dated for a few weeks last year. I realized today that I brought him back because I needed someone I knew in my life. I wanted a guy I already had a history with, who I knew there was a physical attraction and what that was like. He was a better choice than the xabf and the married dude I dated before that but even he wasn't the best choice.

He had asked me what my dating status was currently. Then he proceeded to tell me he had been dating a neighbor and she had gone out of state. Not sure if she moved there or was there for a few months or what, I can't remember. But, he said they had broken up and figured they could do their own thing. At least I thought he said that. We were just out as friends so I didn't think it mattered.

Until he kissed me. Until we stayed out until 5 a.m. And, how he kept complimenting me and treating me so nice.

So, I start to wonder about this other woman. And, I noticed on his FB page today that I am unable to post anything, his friends are now all hidden and conversations that I had seen just a few days ago were no longer there.

So, is he hiding me from her? Or her from me?

Don't know. But, it's apparent even the "nice" guys aren't always what they appear to be.

For now then, I'm going to keep focusing on what I need to do for me. But, I really need to figure out how to turn this vibe around that keeps attracting these guys back to me. Or why the heck I keep bringing them back in.

Titanic

IMHO, way too early. Give Al-Anon (6 meetings minimum), recovery and grieving the loss of your relationship time. 6 months minimum. It's normal to feel miserable and alone during this time; it's healing, and it's putting distance behind us. The open wound allows the light in; the void helps us find healthy tools for ourselves; the answer to the pain is in the pain - healing with the focus on You not someone new. YOU know this in your gut, because you pointed out numerous red flags (married man, concealing man, etc.).

Real recovery, not relationship rebounding. 6 months plus, not 6 weeks of minusirs. IMHO