ZiggyB

So I'm just looking for opinions, I know you can't tell me what to do. If not interested in the topic do not flame me, thanks.

I met a man recently who is interested in me, he's been sober for 11 years with AA and still is involved with them and does work with people in prison. He seems like a very nice person and is responsible, owns a house, car, has a good job, so far he has been really nice to me. As far as I can tell he has "recovered" as much as anyone could.

I would much rather have this than someone who is actively drinking but I'm pretty leery due to my past experiences with AXBF. I guess I can only take things very slowly but I still don't know if I should head for the hills. :-/

Titanic

At least you know the red flags and signs going in, so you're not like we were in the first go 'round with our respective A.

Are you ready in Your recovery for this? Do you feel you still may be a "newcomer" and this might be 13th Stepping?

ZiggyB

I'm not in any recovery program at all so I don't know...

I have been trying to find people to date who don't drink at all but I find that most of them are recovered alcoholics.

Learn2Live

The healthier person is able to have one drink and then stop. And doesn't need to drink every day or even every week. They can take it or leave it.

I've known guys who were sober 15 years, worked a mean program all that time, got their lives and their homes and their families all put back together and then let their guard down. "Oh, I'll just have this one." Lost businesses, lost homes, spent all the money, eventually wives left, children disgusted. It is a possibility. A hard reality. It happens. Is this what you want? Why do you need to date an alcoholic? There are many good people out there who are not alcoholic.

Titanic

Al-Anon meetings will help you tremendously! We need recovery more than we do dates.

PaperDolls

A new relationship with anyone is a risk.

I'm thinking, since you just met him, just keep taking it slow. If you know now that he's not right for you because he's an alcoholic, then walk away.

Don't make it more complicated than it really is.

ZiggyB

Yeah this is exactly what I am afraid of - I don't actually need to date an alcoholic though, I'm just tired of dating binge drinking lushes and was hoping to find someone who's sober. It's gotten too complicated.

ichabod

There are no sure things in life. The A with 10 years sober might drink tomorrow or may never touch another drop. The teetotaler might be an abusive jerk. The health nut might get hit by a bus on his way to work.

Trust what you see with eyes wide open and go with your gut. I wouldn't write off a good person because of what may never happen.

dollydo

If it were me, I'd pass, you've only been out of last relationship for a few months, perhaps this is a good time to work on you and attempt to figure out why you gravitate to men who have addiction issues.

He may be a great person, if your questioning the relationship perhaps it is not right for you.

Take care, keep posting.

lillamy

You know, when I saw the title of this post, my knee-jerk reaction was to say "No."
But after pondering it for a while, I think my answer is more along the lines of "I have no business giving anyone else advice about the choices in their life." Helpful, eh?

No, but seriously. I did everything wrong and so far, it's worked out. I got into a relationship within a year of leaving AXH (when I left, I swore off relationships for life ). I allowed it to get very serious very quickly (at this point, I had moved the boundary to "It's OK to date, we just won't get serious"). I think the reason I was able to do it was that the man I'm in a relationship with is an old friend -- even before getting romantically involved, we knew pretty much all there was to know about each other -- and that he's not a drinker, nor a non-drinker; he'll have a couple of beers a year, but that's it.

So -- in a way, I admire those of you who are brave enough to get out and date again. I'm absolutely convinced that if our friendship hadn't become more, I would have been single for the rest of my life. That's how much my marriage scared and hurt me.

So for what it's worth, the fact that you're dating again might be a sign that you're healing. It might also be a sign that you're still licking your wounds and just feeling lonely. And if it's the latter, you WILL attract the exactly wrong kind of guy. That's how I got together with AXH. So eyes wide open, and get thyself to Al-Anon. That advice, I'm totally comfortable giving.

cfm

Gee, why do I suddenly fell like chopped liver., LOL ..........Seriously, let your conscience be your guide. However know this. One can be TOTALLY recovered. I know. I am. I can never safely drink again, but that actually has very little to do with it.

owathu

Ziggy, I think what stands out most for me in your posting is the quote "I met a man recently who is interested in me...". I guess it says to me that you might be letting the other person choose you, as opposed to you actually choosing the other person instead. Do you know what I mean?

You don't have to take things slowly, you don't have to date. You shouldn't have to settle for :Well, at least he's not a drunk.

Are you sure you are in a place that is healthy enough to start dating? I am maybe a month less out than you, and there is no way, no how I am at all interested in going out with some guy. I am just so not interested.

We all have our own timetables, so, if you think you are ready and not just trying to bury the pain, then by all means. But, at least when you do start dating, make sure you are dating someone you want to date and not because, "at least they aren't" and "well,they're interested in me". Are you interested in them? That is the question.

fluffyflea

First of all we are never recovered' we are always recovering.

If h has a strong programand is working on himself those are good things. If you take it slow and work on you too even better. Take care of yo.

Ngaire

iloveme

Ziggy,
Trust yourself!
I think that is the best advice I can "not" give! God Bless!
Don't be afraid to live a little!!!
Recovery doesn't mean we should stop living......Omg!

Learn2Live

Ditto what Owathu said, esp about whose choice this association really is. Have you made a list of all the qualities you are looking for in a mate? Have you watched "The Secret" yet? That movie gives really good rationale and directions for doing this.

BlueSkies1

Life's a risk...doesn't matter who you are dating. This recovered alcoholic could have his act more together than 90% of the population. Then again, he could be a jerk. You know what a jerk looks like, right? Listen to him, and when he shows you who he is, believe him.
If he has his act together, he could actually help you recover, even if you are still sick from the last relationship. He's been there, done that. He will actually understand where you are coming from.
But that's assuming he is actually recovered, and not a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Tuffgirl

Ziggy, it would be so easy, as lillamy said, to say run! But you know what? None of us can tell the future.

Here's an idea...give it a try. Go out on a date. Have a good time. Leave the decision-making for later on, after you've had a chance to get to know this man. Just take it slow and keep the rose-colored glasses in your pocket.

akalacha

The only men I know that absolutely do not ever drink are recovering A's. My X was not an alcoholic when we met, that came years down the line. As others have said, no one can see into the future, life is a risk. Relationships are a risk. If you like this guy I think you should explore the possibilities. Slowly, taking your time. At least now you're able to recognize red flags when and if you see them. Wishing you the best whatever you decide.
PS- I have two friends who have each been in recovery and sober for over twenty years. It does happen for some.

BlueSkies1

I have a friend who has been recovered for 7 years. Prior to that, 10 years of trying with relapses.
He has really done the necessary work! He's healthier mentally that most people walking the planet.
Ziggy--if this guy confuses you in anyway, makes you less self-assured, confident,...then you know he's pulling wool over your eyes and then RUN!
confusion seems to be their forte...gaslighting...all unhealthy relationships rely on this self-doubt and questioning...all healthy relationships are supportive!
Alcoholic or not!

learningtofly

I think for me I would always still have that little voice stuck in my head that questioned his sobriety. I think I may cast judgment on him or reference him with my x which in turn would bring possible unconscious negative feelings or even fear into the relationship. I think that would be unfair of me. It has nothing to do with him it is my own personal baggage that might get in the way. If that makes sense.

So I would recommend you looking again at your recovery. Would you judge him? Would you bring your "baggage" into the relationship?


((big hugs))) Take your time and trust what your gut says!