Codependency - It's What Most of Us Did
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
When I felt my relationship becoming co-dependent I had the urge to get out of it very quickly. I knew his drinking was hurting me and I wanted the pain to stop. I became afraid.
Sometimes that urge manifested itself as anger as I continued to be verbally abused, I retaliated.
Then when anger didn't work I became sick and depressed
What am I holding onto now, I wonder? why do I continue to be unable to let go? I can't let go because I keep inflicting the pain on myself over and over. Now that he's gone I feel the need to abuse myself.... for what purpose?
I wanted the relationship to end - but now I can't cope so well with the emptiness. strange, isn't it? I think perhaps this fear of being alone is what makes us hold on for so long to a scenario we know is doomed.
Sometimes that urge manifested itself as anger as I continued to be verbally abused, I retaliated.
Then when anger didn't work I became sick and depressed
What am I holding onto now, I wonder? why do I continue to be unable to let go? I can't let go because I keep inflicting the pain on myself over and over. Now that he's gone I feel the need to abuse myself.... for what purpose?
I wanted the relationship to end - but now I can't cope so well with the emptiness. strange, isn't it? I think perhaps this fear of being alone is what makes us hold on for so long to a scenario we know is doomed.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Titanic 
Yes as to Al-Anon, peaches08 and ZiggyB. It's like a "codie" convention and "codie clean-up" workshop! 
Iceberg Ahead!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Focus not on whether the A is or isn't involved now. Focus on what you and the others in the meeting did while in the relationship. Focus on the changes they made through the Al-Anon program. Focus on what alcohol-affected behaviors and traits remain in you, and on what it is and what it takes to be healthy and serene. You want to take that into your next relationship.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
I have stayed strong for three weeks - NO Contact. He texts me, writes me snail mail, has his sister call me to see how I am doing and I haven't responded to the texts and I left the damn letter in the mailbox.
Thanks Made of Glass for explaining control to me. That has helped tremendously.
I'm having trouble overcoming feeling like a fool at the moment though...
Thanks Made of Glass for explaining control to me. That has helped tremendously.
I'm having trouble overcoming feeling like a fool at the moment though...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 24
[QUOTE=MadeOfGlass;3608433]Hello again silentscout,
It's my personal opinion that as soon as someone is connected in a relationship to an A, we are all deemed "codependent" and need therapy, and then you get wack jobs like that shrink that is proclaiming you have control issues. Now just wait a minute...!
So true. Although I did see myself in many of the roles portrayed by the OP, I have to agree with this as well. What else are we to do? I don't want to give up on my husband after only one year of his addiction. I'd like to see if we can get through this, but with all the lies, I'm certainly not taking his word for it. So what else am I to do, but search for clues that he's using, clues that it really is time to throw in the towel? Then again, I can see how it becomes an endless cycle, when clue after clue are revealed, and it still just doesn't seem right to end it. I hope I will be strong enough to know in my heart that if he isn't ready after all this, he won't be ready for a long time.
It's my personal opinion that as soon as someone is connected in a relationship to an A, we are all deemed "codependent" and need therapy, and then you get wack jobs like that shrink that is proclaiming you have control issues. Now just wait a minute...!
So true. Although I did see myself in many of the roles portrayed by the OP, I have to agree with this as well. What else are we to do? I don't want to give up on my husband after only one year of his addiction. I'd like to see if we can get through this, but with all the lies, I'm certainly not taking his word for it. So what else am I to do, but search for clues that he's using, clues that it really is time to throw in the towel? Then again, I can see how it becomes an endless cycle, when clue after clue are revealed, and it still just doesn't seem right to end it. I hope I will be strong enough to know in my heart that if he isn't ready after all this, he won't be ready for a long time.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
For years I just saw this as being the traits of a successful, strong-willed woman. Now I see how controlling I could be
I am starting to realize being here & reading lots that it is not what I thought & I was trying to control a situation/person that was out of my control. I didn't think I was doing anything other than supporting him on what he said he wanted...but actions speak louder than words & obviously didn't want it badly enough (or wasn't ready or what ever the case is) to help himself & that it's not my problem or my place to fix anyone but myself.
I wish I'd know about the power of alcoholism & what it meant long ago so I could have read all this & not done certain things & realized that I wasn't at all helpful.
As things got worse, more frantic so did I, trying to stop what was happening... I didn't see what I was doing & I'm thankful to now see that.
Sigh... as ugly & sad as my story has been I am grateful to have a better understanding & to grow from the experience so I never repeat the pattern.
Iceberg Ahead!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by rainiee
I wish I'd know about the power of alcoholism & what it meant long ago so I could have read all this & not done certain things & realized that I wasn't at all helpful.
As things got worse, more frantic so did I, trying to stop what was happening... I didn't see what I was doing & I'm thankful to now see that.
As things got worse, more frantic so did I, trying to stop what was happening... I didn't see what I was doing & I'm thankful to now see that.
The disease cunningly nabs the alcoholic, but we too unwittingly come down with the "family" part of the disease. So, it's important to note and bear in mind that we didn't Cause the disease, the alcoholic to drink or ourselves to have the bad reaction.
It was the family disease's fault.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thanks to Alanon I learned the problem wasn't the alcoholic, it was me. That what I called love was really need. And that I have the choice to stay in a sick and destructive relationship or leave. It wasn't one eureka moment, it was a long process, two steps forward, one step back.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
i go back and forth and get confused on the cody definition:
Is it that codies get validation out of trying to 'fix' people, and that they derive their happiness when the other is happy,
OR,
is it more unconsciously parasitic, where they look for people to control under the pretense of 'helping' them?
OR both?
I've read from different sources and the word gets thrown around a lot...
Is it that codies get validation out of trying to 'fix' people, and that they derive their happiness when the other is happy,
OR,
is it more unconsciously parasitic, where they look for people to control under the pretense of 'helping' them?
OR both?
I've read from different sources and the word gets thrown around a lot...
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Nothing wrong with a CD
There is nothing wrong with trying to control your own life. There is nothing wrong with trying to control how you are treated in this world by other people. And there is nothing wrong with trying to control the path your life takes and how it gets there.
And if this concept of codependency has to do with controlling other people, such as your attic or your abuser, then codependency to the extreme listed above is just a simple response of an abused person who is being controlled themselves, trying to survive and make what is dysfunctional functional again.
It's futile when dealing with a mentally unhealthy person. But in a healthy relationship, none of the actions listed above would even be necessary. So I put zero fault on any person who thinks they're a codependent, and zero fault on anyone who is ever acted the way listed above. If your abused and someone's messing with your mind, you have every right to try and control that situation. Every right. Or just leave.
And if this concept of codependency has to do with controlling other people, such as your attic or your abuser, then codependency to the extreme listed above is just a simple response of an abused person who is being controlled themselves, trying to survive and make what is dysfunctional functional again.
It's futile when dealing with a mentally unhealthy person. But in a healthy relationship, none of the actions listed above would even be necessary. So I put zero fault on any person who thinks they're a codependent, and zero fault on anyone who is ever acted the way listed above. If your abused and someone's messing with your mind, you have every right to try and control that situation. Every right. Or just leave.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
This is my favorite share on codependency, from Tuffgirl, originally found on this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...passion-2.html
*My* personal addition to this share is that for me, I WAS already primed as a codependent coming into my marriage as the oldest child from a highly dysfunctional family.
For me, it's also easier to see & change my codependent behavior with my husband vs. my FOO because my expectations for those relationships are entirely different. With him, I ACT codependently, with them I AM codependent. With him, I have always had a separation of Self, but with my FOO my codie qualities have been part of my role/definition as a person to me & to each of them practically from birth. It's also why they resist my changes in recovery the most as well.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...passion-2.html
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
We talk a lot about codependence, and yet there is still a lot of confusion over what it actually means. I don't believe there is inherent codependence in intimate relationships.
I believe there is interdependence, which is defined as: mutuality: a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups).
Codependence is defined as:a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.
I am going to say this and it may sound a bit arrogant for which I apologize, but I know I wasn't codependent when I got into this marriage with an addict. Over time, my behaviors became that way to a degree. The true codependent in my marriage was my husband. His need to control me was insatiable. No wonder he was always so frustrated by me! ; )
My codependency came as a direct result of trying to keep the hands on the wheel of our marriage and family as we were veering dangerously off the cliff. I took on many things that he was able to do himself but didn't because he was drunk. I made excuses for his unacceptable behavior and allowed my boundaries to be violated over and over again.
I strive for interdependence in my relationships. I am so thrilled to have reached that point with my teenagers, where it is far more reciprocal than when they were needy little kids! My extended family operates this way. My team at work is very interdependent...not one of us is the expert, we all know a little and together, we know it all! ; )
I won't accept any less than this in my life nowadays. Being "attached" to others is simply too much work, and I choose to seek only a healthy, mutual interdependence.
IMHO, of course! Take what works and all that jazz...
~T
I believe there is interdependence, which is defined as: mutuality: a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups).
Codependence is defined as:a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.
I am going to say this and it may sound a bit arrogant for which I apologize, but I know I wasn't codependent when I got into this marriage with an addict. Over time, my behaviors became that way to a degree. The true codependent in my marriage was my husband. His need to control me was insatiable. No wonder he was always so frustrated by me! ; )
My codependency came as a direct result of trying to keep the hands on the wheel of our marriage and family as we were veering dangerously off the cliff. I took on many things that he was able to do himself but didn't because he was drunk. I made excuses for his unacceptable behavior and allowed my boundaries to be violated over and over again.
I strive for interdependence in my relationships. I am so thrilled to have reached that point with my teenagers, where it is far more reciprocal than when they were needy little kids! My extended family operates this way. My team at work is very interdependent...not one of us is the expert, we all know a little and together, we know it all! ; )
I won't accept any less than this in my life nowadays. Being "attached" to others is simply too much work, and I choose to seek only a healthy, mutual interdependence.
IMHO, of course! Take what works and all that jazz...
~T
For me, it's also easier to see & change my codependent behavior with my husband vs. my FOO because my expectations for those relationships are entirely different. With him, I ACT codependently, with them I AM codependent. With him, I have always had a separation of Self, but with my FOO my codie qualities have been part of my role/definition as a person to me & to each of them practically from birth. It's also why they resist my changes in recovery the most as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Spinner-007
i go back and forth and get confused on the cody definition:
Is it that codies get validation out of trying to 'fix' people, and that they derive their happiness when the other is happy,
OR,
is it more unconsciously parasitic, where they look for people to control under the pretense of 'helping' them?
OR both?
I've read from different sources and the word gets thrown around a lot...
Is it that codies get validation out of trying to 'fix' people, and that they derive their happiness when the other is happy,
OR,
is it more unconsciously parasitic, where they look for people to control under the pretense of 'helping' them?
OR both?
I've read from different sources and the word gets thrown around a lot...
I focused outward to avoid focusing inward. I only knew how to let my relationships define me until I learned to get know myself and to even understand that I could define myself by myself. Codependency for me was trying to get what I thought I needed from others until I realized I could only get it from within.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by Spinner-007
i go back and forth and get confused on the cody definition:
Is it that codies get validation out of trying to 'fix' people, and that they derive their happiness when the other is happy,
OR,
is it more unconsciously parasitic, where they look for people to control under the pretense of 'helping' them?
OR both?
I've read from different sources and the word gets thrown around a lot...
Is it that codies get validation out of trying to 'fix' people, and that they derive their happiness when the other is happy,
OR,
is it more unconsciously parasitic, where they look for people to control under the pretense of 'helping' them?
OR both?
I've read from different sources and the word gets thrown around a lot...
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Agree
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I'm going to butcher something dandylion often relates, but her explanation has always resonated with me: "Codependency is less about one's relationships with others than it is about their lack of relationship with themselves."
I focused outward to avoid focusing inward. I only knew how to let my relationships define me until I learned to get know myself and to even understand that I could define myself by myself. Codependency for me was trying to get what I thought I needed from others until I realized I could only get it from within.
I focused outward to avoid focusing inward. I only knew how to let my relationships define me until I learned to get know myself and to even understand that I could define myself by myself. Codependency for me was trying to get what I thought I needed from others until I realized I could only get it from within.
CD probably when you stay after you realize you can't fix the other person or situation... and still try.
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