Westexy

We've had some discussions on the board about what to tell people, what not to, etc. about our various situations with our loved ones. I just want to share this because I hope it helps any of you that are feeling embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, alone or at fault. I was dropping off an end of school treat at my child's school the other day and the mom of one of my child's best friends was there doing the same. We chatted about summer plans and I asked her if she was aware that STBXAH and I were divorcing. Yes - her husband had told her. She started getting very teary. The conversation led me to tell her that "drinking" was the primary reason we are splitting. She looked at me and said "Well, we have the same problem, but it's been 20 years." She went on to tell me her family's story. We had never spoken about anything other than our children and school for two years. It felt amazing! They are at a very different place than we are now, but our experiences are so similar. She ended the conversation by saying how proud she is of me. That my actions took real guts and she was very impressed. It was so interesting to me. I've had three different women tell me recently that they are proud of me and my decisions. And it feels good, but strange to receive praise for something you never wanted to do and that at one point you felt ashamed of. I know that's incorrect thinking, but anyway, you just never know who's going through something dark and scary. They may be sitting next to you at meet the teacher night talking about school supplies and dress codes, sounding like they haven't a care in the world.

mylifeismine

I've had the thought many times in alanon as people share,
I never would have thought they were going through what
they were - reinforcing that everyone has their troubles-
and difficult, heartbreaking times in their lives......

I'm so grateful for SR - one of my most frightening thoughts
is how confused and clueless I'd still be without everyone
sharing their ESH and helping me understand & grow.

Thanks Everyone!

Glad you are getting some validation in your "real" life
too, Westexy!

LexieCat

Something good to remember, when we start comparing ourselves to other people. Lots of folks are dealing with horrendous challenges that we know nothing about. And almost everyone, it seems, has something like that at some point in their lives. If it isn't alcoholism or divorce, it's having a kid in trouble with the law, a parent with Alzheimer's, a cancer diagnosis, other health problems, a job loss, being victimized by crime, or something.

There's a quote whose source seems to be unknown, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."

RollTide

Excellent post. Yes, being able to share and receive feedback with someone who understands is very therapeutic whether it be a friend, Alanon or this forum.

I did not post a lot when I was married to my XAH but I read A LOT on this website. It saved my life.

honeypig

Along those lines, Alanon has a related saying: Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.

We are all taught to put on a brave face, to make the best of things. We hear "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone", so we make sure we're always laughing on the outside and that nobody knows any different about us...

Treerat66

An interesting thread. My wife has cancer, when we go to the hospital no one wants to look you in the eye. They have their problems and you have yours. Until you step through the chemotherapy suite doors and then everyone is friendly. - You are all in the battle.
I imagine that if alcohol turned folk purple or had some other easy identifier. The disease wouldn't thrive in the dark corners as it does.