Recovering from verbal abuse
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Recovering from verbal abuse
Just wondering if any of you have hints for me on how you have recovered from verbal abuse at the hand of an A.?
I keep telling myself he is a sick person with issues, but it is very difficult to forget all of the horrid things that were said to me. He had a way of making me feel awful about myself and tearing down my self-esteem. I feel like I have no confidence still and that nobody else will ever want me...
I am going back to talk to my therapist on Friday. She keeps telling me I should not internalize his commentary, but it's so difficult to feel good about myself.
I keep telling myself he is a sick person with issues, but it is very difficult to forget all of the horrid things that were said to me. He had a way of making me feel awful about myself and tearing down my self-esteem. I feel like I have no confidence still and that nobody else will ever want me...
I am going back to talk to my therapist on Friday. She keeps telling me I should not internalize his commentary, but it's so difficult to feel good about myself.
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Hi Ziggy,
I was married for 27 1/2 yrs to someone who did this to me. How long were you with yours?
While I was married for this long of a time, he did at times tell me why he did what he did.
I am away from him now since 12/2008, and I am still unable to make a decision, because of all the things he said to me.
But some of the reasons that he gave me, was that he was feeling low, so he wanted me to feel lower so that he could feel better.
He felt inadequate, so he needed to somehow put down me and my family.
He wanted to fight, and he told me he knew all the psycho babble in the world to just get under my skin, and get me going, so that he could blame it on me.
I don't know if I can help, but if you tell me what type of help you need, I may be able to talk you through things, or explain why they did that, or just offer you a shoulder and a hug.
I was married for 27 1/2 yrs to someone who did this to me. How long were you with yours?
While I was married for this long of a time, he did at times tell me why he did what he did.
I am away from him now since 12/2008, and I am still unable to make a decision, because of all the things he said to me.
But some of the reasons that he gave me, was that he was feeling low, so he wanted me to feel lower so that he could feel better.
He felt inadequate, so he needed to somehow put down me and my family.
He wanted to fight, and he told me he knew all the psycho babble in the world to just get under my skin, and get me going, so that he could blame it on me.
I don't know if I can help, but if you tell me what type of help you need, I may be able to talk you through things, or explain why they did that, or just offer you a shoulder and a hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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I've touched on this topic in a previous post. I've been dealing with all sorts of verbal abuse throughout my life, specifically during my mother's manic episodes. Honestly, nothing my husband could ever say to me would come close to the effect that my mom's tirades had on me at first.
Whenever my husband would get argumentative or verbally abusive, I just chalked it up to the alcohol talking. In effect, I did the same with my husband as I did with my mother. I've given him a split personality whereby when he drinks then it is the alcohol talking and when he's sober then it is him talking.
Anything that the alcohol says to me just goes in one ear and right out the other. It barely registers with me, and thus has had little impact.
Originally Posted by Hypatia 
When I was four years old, my mother became bipolar. I developed a very simple concept which helped me deal with the huge mood swings and changes in my mother's personality. I thought of her as being possessed by a bad ghost or spirit. Nothing I did could affect that evil spirit. I could only get out of her way during those times when she was possessed and became in essence another person. The rest of the time she was my real mother, fun and loving and caring.
Professionals I dealt with encouraged this view of my mother as a split personality. Although it was not medically a correct diagnosis, it completely fit my observations.
Maybe I watched too many Scooby-Doo cartoons as a kid. Hmm... that might also explain my love of goofy dogs.
Professionals I dealt with encouraged this view of my mother as a split personality. Although it was not medically a correct diagnosis, it completely fit my observations.
Maybe I watched too many Scooby-Doo cartoons as a kid. Hmm... that might also explain my love of goofy dogs.
Anything that the alcohol says to me just goes in one ear and right out the other. It barely registers with me, and thus has had little impact.
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I also tend to think that my ex had some kind of a personality disorder, but he was not diagnosed. Initially he did this when he was drinking, then he just did it I think some time just for the fun. I kinda feel that was his manic phase. The verbal abuse, I got used to , it was the emotional abuse that was and is hard to let go.
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I have an idea. There was an art project on Pinterest that I actually did, which felt quite healing . . .you basically make an outline of a head and shoulders, and then decorate it - make it beautiful, and add sayings such as "I am kind," and every other nice thing you can think to say about yourself, including stuff you like about your appearance, like "I have pretty eyes." Then put it in a place where you can see it.
Also, on YouTube if you put "Louise Hay affirmations" into the search engine - there is one that is 100 affirmations . . .and you will find other affirmations on there too. That retrains your mind.
When you hear, in your mind, something he said to you, say "cancel, cancel" and replace it with something nice.
When you play his tapes over in your mind, you are really abusing yourself with his words.
The phrase, "What you think of me is none of my business" also really helps me.
Also, on YouTube if you put "Louise Hay affirmations" into the search engine - there is one that is 100 affirmations . . .and you will find other affirmations on there too. That retrains your mind.
When you hear, in your mind, something he said to you, say "cancel, cancel" and replace it with something nice.
When you play his tapes over in your mind, you are really abusing yourself with his words.
The phrase, "What you think of me is none of my business" also really helps me.
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Hi Amy,
I was with mine for 3 years which is not a long time compared to what you have been through...
At times I had seen the patterns in his behavior, the more stressed out he was, the more he drank and offloaded onto me. I think perhaps it was a way to make himself feel better, he put me down a lot, he called me names, yelled, cursed at me, when he was really mad he would throw things around and that was kind of scary too. He also had a way of using all of my insecurities against me when we would argue. He would exhibit gaslighting behavior, tell me I did things I know I didn't do...
He never put my family down (since they live 3,000 miles away he had never met them)
I guess one thing that really sticks in my head is after I broke things off with him he wrote me a letter telling me that he was not coming back, and gave me a laundry list of all of my faults and how I had failed. Certainly that was some kind of a revenge move on his part but I wish I could just forget it all.
I find I have zero confidence in my ability to be in another relationship right now, even though I want to date and meet people.
I was with mine for 3 years which is not a long time compared to what you have been through...
At times I had seen the patterns in his behavior, the more stressed out he was, the more he drank and offloaded onto me. I think perhaps it was a way to make himself feel better, he put me down a lot, he called me names, yelled, cursed at me, when he was really mad he would throw things around and that was kind of scary too. He also had a way of using all of my insecurities against me when we would argue. He would exhibit gaslighting behavior, tell me I did things I know I didn't do...
He never put my family down (since they live 3,000 miles away he had never met them)
I guess one thing that really sticks in my head is after I broke things off with him he wrote me a letter telling me that he was not coming back, and gave me a laundry list of all of my faults and how I had failed. Certainly that was some kind of a revenge move on his part but I wish I could just forget it all.
I find I have zero confidence in my ability to be in another relationship right now, even though I want to date and meet people.
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Hi Amy,
I was with mine for 3 years which is not a long time compared to what you have been through...
At times I had seen the patterns in his behavior, the more stressed out he was, the more he drank and offloaded onto me. I think perhaps it was a way to make himself feel better, he put me down a lot, he called me names, yelled, cursed at me, when he was really mad he would throw things around and that was kind of scary too. He also had a way of using all of my insecurities against me when we would argue. He would exhibit gaslighting behavior, tell me I did things I know I didn't do...
He never put my family down (since they live 3,000 miles away he had never met them)
I guess one thing that really sticks in my head is after I broke things off with him he wrote me a letter telling me that he was not coming back, and gave me a laundry list of all of my faults and how I had failed. Certainly that was some kind of a revenge move on his part but I wish I could just forget it all.
I find I have zero confidence in my ability to be in another relationship right now, even though I want to date and meet people.
I was with mine for 3 years which is not a long time compared to what you have been through...
At times I had seen the patterns in his behavior, the more stressed out he was, the more he drank and offloaded onto me. I think perhaps it was a way to make himself feel better, he put me down a lot, he called me names, yelled, cursed at me, when he was really mad he would throw things around and that was kind of scary too. He also had a way of using all of my insecurities against me when we would argue. He would exhibit gaslighting behavior, tell me I did things I know I didn't do...
He never put my family down (since they live 3,000 miles away he had never met them)
I guess one thing that really sticks in my head is after I broke things off with him he wrote me a letter telling me that he was not coming back, and gave me a laundry list of all of my faults and how I had failed. Certainly that was some kind of a revenge move on his part but I wish I could just forget it all.
I find I have zero confidence in my ability to be in another relationship right now, even though I want to date and meet people.
Then write yourself a letter of all of the wonderful things about you and all the awesome things you have done.
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Ziggy,
Don't date till you feel confident again. You did go thru verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. He does not have to hit you for it to be physical abuse.
What helped me the most was when I left him. At that time, I felt whatever I did was just wrong. I moved in with friends that were only at this second house on weekends, I did all sorts of works there, then their father got sick, I took care of him also, all I was hearing was praises from everyone. That was when I realized I wasn't this screwed up person that he made me out to be. People actually did like me, he told me no one liked me and that the only reason I was invited to things was because of him.
Having zero confidence right now to be in another relationship, I think that is actually good. I still will not date. I still want to get back to where I was before. You can meet people, even date, just put off relationships until you are the one that is sure, not that he talks you into it.
Here with you, and ((((((hugs)))))
Don't date till you feel confident again. You did go thru verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. He does not have to hit you for it to be physical abuse.
What helped me the most was when I left him. At that time, I felt whatever I did was just wrong. I moved in with friends that were only at this second house on weekends, I did all sorts of works there, then their father got sick, I took care of him also, all I was hearing was praises from everyone. That was when I realized I wasn't this screwed up person that he made me out to be. People actually did like me, he told me no one liked me and that the only reason I was invited to things was because of him.
Having zero confidence right now to be in another relationship, I think that is actually good. I still will not date. I still want to get back to where I was before. You can meet people, even date, just put off relationships until you are the one that is sure, not that he talks you into it.
Here with you, and ((((((hugs)))))
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First, did you have any support while in this relationship
Did you talk to people then, or did you somewhat Isolate?
How long are you out of the relationship?
Did you ever have DV counseling?
I did turn to alcohol myself during this time. At times it felt like the only way that I could stay sane
Did you talk to people then, or did you somewhat Isolate?
How long are you out of the relationship?
Did you ever have DV counseling?
I did turn to alcohol myself during this time. At times it felt like the only way that I could stay sane
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We use people as mirrors to tell us about ourselves. Bad mirrors make us feel worthless; good mirrors empower us. As much as possible, I tried to surround myself only with good mirrors - people who had qualities I admired, or people who laughed at my jokes, people who shared an interest or people who would give me the tough love I needed.
Eventually I internalized the positive reflections the same as I had internalized the negative ones I learned growing up. Then one day I realized my best mirror had become me, and no one can take that away from me. I just won't let them.
Eventually I internalized the positive reflections the same as I had internalized the negative ones I learned growing up. Then one day I realized my best mirror had become me, and no one can take that away from me. I just won't let them.
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Originally Posted by amy55
First, did you have any support while in this relationship
Did you talk to people then, or did you somewhat Isolate?
How long are you out of the relationship?
Did you ever have DV counseling?
I did turn to alcohol myself during this time. At times it felt like the only way that I could stay sane
Did you talk to people then, or did you somewhat Isolate?
How long are you out of the relationship?
Did you ever have DV counseling?
I did turn to alcohol myself during this time. At times it felt like the only way that I could stay sane
I am not sure what DV counseling is?
Yes I told my friends about some of the abusive incidents, they didn't really like him too much to tell you the truth. When these things would happen he would apologize and promise to change and to cut back on the drinking. Then things would be great for a while until the next incident would occur. I think he was really miserable after he lost his job and that's when the drinking and the abuse got even worse. When things were going well for him, he was better. So it's been two months since things ended now. I am feeling better but I guess I still have some healing to do.
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Originally Posted by seek
I would suggest burning that letter in a ritual, if you have not done so already, and as you are doing so say, "these are lies."
Then write yourself a letter of all of the wonderful things about you and all the awesome things you have done.
Then write yourself a letter of all of the wonderful things about you and all the awesome things you have done.
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Someone gave me this (lovely) visual:
Whenever he's emotionally and verbally abusing you, remember that it's just vomit.
He's vomiting on you. You didn't make him sick to his stomach, you didn't poison him or give him a virus -- you just happened to be in the way of his vomit.
Vomit stinks. It's disgusting to get in the way of. But you just wash yourself off and go "dang. Not going to get in his way again."
It was all something coming out of HIM because HE had something bad going on inside him. It didn't say a thing about me.
Whenever he's emotionally and verbally abusing you, remember that it's just vomit.
He's vomiting on you. You didn't make him sick to his stomach, you didn't poison him or give him a virus -- you just happened to be in the way of his vomit.
Vomit stinks. It's disgusting to get in the way of. But you just wash yourself off and go "dang. Not going to get in his way again."
It was all something coming out of HIM because HE had something bad going on inside him. It didn't say a thing about me.
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I look at the verbal abuse from the A in my life as one giant projection of his own perceived shortcomings, and the behavior is deeply rooted in anger and control issues.
People can only make you feel worthless if you let them.
People can only make you feel worthless if you let them.
To thine own self be true.
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Alcoholics and addicts HAVE TO have someone else around who they can control and put down so that they can continue holding themselves in high regard despite the sickness, horror and destruction that characterizes their lives. I have seen it time and time again. My dad all my childhood and teenage years abuse in speech and physically, putting his children down, calling them names, just saying horrid things one would never say to children. Addicted XBF was racist, always putting people down, judging others. These people are TOXIC. It is just not good for ANYONE to be around them.
Problem is, when you've been with them long enough, you begin to live within THEIR sphere. Their reality becomes your reality, and you slowly lose yourself and your own world fades. Ziggy, you have got to get yourself back to reality. You have got to REFUSE his words in your mind. Surround yourself with those who know and love you best. One thing I have done in the past to get my self-image and self-worth back after spending too much time with toxic people is to get paper and markers and make lists of my strengths and good points in large letters and tape them up where I can see them everyday. And I read them and add to them everyday until I feel better and the other person's negative effect on me has been eradicated.
Refuse the toxic poison that is AXBF's words. You can do this. Fight it Ziggy! It's either you or him; this is war!
Problem is, when you've been with them long enough, you begin to live within THEIR sphere. Their reality becomes your reality, and you slowly lose yourself and your own world fades. Ziggy, you have got to get yourself back to reality. You have got to REFUSE his words in your mind. Surround yourself with those who know and love you best. One thing I have done in the past to get my self-image and self-worth back after spending too much time with toxic people is to get paper and markers and make lists of my strengths and good points in large letters and tape them up where I can see them everyday. And I read them and add to them everyday until I feel better and the other person's negative effect on me has been eradicated.
Refuse the toxic poison that is AXBF's words. You can do this. Fight it Ziggy! It's either you or him; this is war!
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Here's what I've done. And it's not just the verbal abuse from other people - it's the verbal abuse I give myself! I don't even need someone else to do it, I'm a very accomplished self-critic! :-)
I took post-its and wrote down my true attributes and stuck them all over my bathroom medicine cabinet door. On the inside so every time I open it I'm reminded. And they weren't "ego" filled, how massively perfect I am. No, they are simple, true and in fact, years later are still there.
Notes like 'I love animals', 'I'm a loyal friend', 'I work on myself', 'I forgave my sister', 'I have pretty eyes'.
It's great to be reminded of the many good parts of ourselves in a world that is so outwardly, from others, and inwardly incredibly critical. I think bringing in some truth is only fair!
I took post-its and wrote down my true attributes and stuck them all over my bathroom medicine cabinet door. On the inside so every time I open it I'm reminded. And they weren't "ego" filled, how massively perfect I am. No, they are simple, true and in fact, years later are still there.
Notes like 'I love animals', 'I'm a loyal friend', 'I work on myself', 'I forgave my sister', 'I have pretty eyes'.
It's great to be reminded of the many good parts of ourselves in a world that is so outwardly, from others, and inwardly incredibly critical. I think bringing in some truth is only fair!
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Alcoholics and addicts HAVE TO have someone else around who they can control and put down so that they can continue holding themselves in high regard despite the sickness, horror and destruction that characterizes their lives.
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Myex used to say things to me, that hurt a lot, and made me question myself.
One day I said to him, if other people in my life that I have been close to had pointed this out to me, I may take the time to think it through and talk with you about it, but since it's never been said to me by anyone, and in fact the opposite has been said, I'm going to have to go with the majority.
It became my barometer, I began to see the game, believe none of it, it's all quacking and as Learn said, control.
One day I said to him, if other people in my life that I have been close to had pointed this out to me, I may take the time to think it through and talk with you about it, but since it's never been said to me by anyone, and in fact the opposite has been said, I'm going to have to go with the majority.
It became my barometer, I began to see the game, believe none of it, it's all quacking and as Learn said, control.
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