Recovering from verbal abuse
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Did you ever watch the "Green Mile"? They are feeling bad about themselves (in the
green mile,they had an illness), so they lash it onto someone else, and that person develops their sickness, or a sickness. It's like they have to let all of the bad out of them, so they feel better, and then the other person gets sick. Do they do it intentionally, I doubt it, but they do,
Did he love you? Probably as much as he was capable of. Do they do this to everyone? No !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They do it to the people they feel closest to because most of the time they wear a mask, they have to take it off sometimes, and when they do, I think they can see themselves, and that is why they lash out. They don't want to see them, they want to see how you caused everything, because they will not accept any blame, then they might have to do something. So You are in fact their scapegoat.
green mile,they had an illness), so they lash it onto someone else, and that person develops their sickness, or a sickness. It's like they have to let all of the bad out of them, so they feel better, and then the other person gets sick. Do they do it intentionally, I doubt it, but they do,
Did he love you? Probably as much as he was capable of. Do they do this to everyone? No !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They do it to the people they feel closest to because most of the time they wear a mask, they have to take it off sometimes, and when they do, I think they can see themselves, and that is why they lash out. They don't want to see them, they want to see how you caused everything, because they will not accept any blame, then they might have to do something. So You are in fact their scapegoat.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
amy55-
No-- he does not do this to everyone although I have reasons to believe he had similar issues with his ex wife and another girlfriend - both of whom left him. Most people think he is Mr. Nice and Wonderful.
No-- he does not do this to everyone although I have reasons to believe he had similar issues with his ex wife and another girlfriend - both of whom left him. Most people think he is Mr. Nice and Wonderful.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
Ziggy, reading your posts makes me feel like we are leading parallel lives half way acros a country. My therapist feels my xab suffers mental disorders. I'm not sure I agree, I think he is just a self centered jerk who drinks a lot and feels it is appropriate to change into Mr. Hyde and unleash his fury on me. Literally in a split second. I learned early on to guard my most personal feelings and experiences because they became fodder for his cruel alcohol induced rages. Always followed up the next day with flowers or cards or letters and tears and apologies and promises of how it will never happen again. And it did. And it did. And I long ago lost count of how many times we did the dance. What I'm working on now, when I get that urge to remember our love story (I was the love of his life, you know) is I stop worrying about why he has said and done these things to the LOHL and I start working on the parts of me that had such low self esteem (apparently) that I continued the waltz long after the music had died for me. He is toxic in his current condition. He was this way when I met him (he hid it well at first) and he is still this way. We made such a pretty couple to the world, successful careers, nice homes, lovely vacations, great families, but when you closed the door it was a non stop game of russian roulette. When and what would set him off next. It became the eggshell dance and I have two left feet apparently.
Ziggy, he is what he is. It's hard to accept but it isn't about you. You didn't cause him to be this way and you can't save him. Thats's a movie. This is life. You can save yourself. You can rebuild your self esteem. You can learn and grow so that next time you meet someone like this you will know sooo much sooner and you won't try to save him. You will walk away with your head held high! At least I sure hope so, because I feel like I'm following in your footsteps and that's where I want to go!!
))))
Ziggy, he is what he is. It's hard to accept but it isn't about you. You didn't cause him to be this way and you can't save him. Thats's a movie. This is life. You can save yourself. You can rebuild your self esteem. You can learn and grow so that next time you meet someone like this you will know sooo much sooner and you won't try to save him. You will walk away with your head held high! At least I sure hope so, because I feel like I'm following in your footsteps and that's where I want to go!!
))))
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I found the xabf excellent at pinpointing the little things that bothered me and making them his pet projects to continually pick at all the time.
I like the vomit concept. Gross, but effective!
I struggle with this too at times and have to just stop myself from listening to it. I usually yell Stop or something quick and loud in my head to get my mind off of it.
I was feeling bad the other day and had to go out to put some applications in at the mall. While I was at this one store I had worked in before, I started to feel really good. As I was telling the manager what I had done and how much I liked it there I realized how I had enjoyed working there and that I was good at what I did.
I left there feeling awesome about myself and knew in my heart that all his put downs and abuse was to try and keep me from feeling that goodness. Because HE didn't feel it. He wasn't happy unless he was bringing me down to his level. THAT was how he brought himself up.
You know you have good, wonderful qualities. Write them down, say them out loud and record them, ask good friends to make a list of what they love about you. Oh, that was something I did when xabf was really starting to make me feel bad. I called an exbf who was good to me and asked him what he had liked about me. Wow, he came up with a long list of all these great qualities he loved about me. I knew they existed but it was great to hear him say it and it just helped to reinforce that xabf's abuse was about him..and not ME.
I like the vomit concept. Gross, but effective!
I struggle with this too at times and have to just stop myself from listening to it. I usually yell Stop or something quick and loud in my head to get my mind off of it.
I was feeling bad the other day and had to go out to put some applications in at the mall. While I was at this one store I had worked in before, I started to feel really good. As I was telling the manager what I had done and how much I liked it there I realized how I had enjoyed working there and that I was good at what I did.
I left there feeling awesome about myself and knew in my heart that all his put downs and abuse was to try and keep me from feeling that goodness. Because HE didn't feel it. He wasn't happy unless he was bringing me down to his level. THAT was how he brought himself up.
You know you have good, wonderful qualities. Write them down, say them out loud and record them, ask good friends to make a list of what they love about you. Oh, that was something I did when xabf was really starting to make me feel bad. I called an exbf who was good to me and asked him what he had liked about me. Wow, he came up with a long list of all these great qualities he loved about me. I knew they existed but it was great to hear him say it and it just helped to reinforce that xabf's abuse was about him..and not ME.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
We use people as mirrors to tell us about ourselves. Bad mirrors make us feel worthless; good mirrors empower us. As much as possible, I tried to surround myself only with good mirrors - people who had qualities I admired, or people who laughed at my jokes, people who shared an interest or people who would give me the tough love I needed.
Eventually I internalized the positive reflections the same as I had internalized the negative ones I learned growing up. Then one day I realized my best mirror had become me, and no one can take that away from me. I just won't let them.
Eventually I internalized the positive reflections the same as I had internalized the negative ones I learned growing up. Then one day I realized my best mirror had become me, and no one can take that away from me. I just won't let them.
My A started out with intense love and praise and attention. Over 4 years it devolved into abuse VERY similar to my mother's, who was probably Borderline Personality Disorder, of the most dangerous, violent variety. I have been doing stuff similar to what you mention here.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Argnotthisagain...
...I just saw where you were from and it made me homesick. Though I live in the Midwest now and have for more than half my life (!!!), I grew up in Upstate NY. From one Upstate NY-er to another, I wish you many many good mirrors!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by Larnie
Ziggy, reading your posts makes me feel like we are leading parallel lives half way acros a country. My therapist feels my xab suffers mental disorders. I'm not sure I agree, I think he is just a self centered jerk who drinks a lot and feels it is appropriate to change into Mr. Hyde and unleash his fury on me. Literally in a split second. I learned early on to guard my most personal feelings and experiences because they became fodder for his cruel alcohol induced rages. Always followed up the next day with flowers or cards or letters and tears and apologies and promises of how it will never happen again. And it did. And it did. And I long ago lost count of how many times we did the dance. What I'm working on now, when I get that urge to remember our love story (I was the love of his life, you know) is I stop worrying about why he has said and done these things to the LOHL and I start working on the parts of me that had such low self esteem (apparently) that I continued the waltz long after the music had died for me. He is toxic in his current condition. He was this way when I met him (he hid it well at first) and he is still this way. We made such a pretty couple to the world, successful careers, nice homes, lovely vacations, great families, but when you closed the door it was a non stop game of russian roulette. When and what would set him off next. It became the eggshell dance and I have two left feet apparently.
Yes it does sound like we are both leading a similar existence and having dealt with the same animal! Thanks for the encouragement. At times I have felt my axbf was dealing with mental disorders but he would never go to therapy to have them looked at or try to improve his behavior. I can relate to the feeling of wondering what would set him off. Literally it could be anything. His friends thought he was the bee's knees, of course he never did stuff like this in front of them, only behind closed doors.
I am sure I will get over it, I still get confused over why someone who claims they love you so much would treat you so badly, but it's good that I'm done with it so I can try to make my life better.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
In my opinion, most of the time when people are being verbally abusive, acting like an a$$hole, etc., it's something going on inside of THEM and has nothing to do with YOU.
Whether they are a spouse, SO, or total stranger.
Whether they are a spouse, SO, or total stranger.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by kudzujean
In my opinion, most of the time when people are being verbally abusive, acting like an a$$hole, etc., it's something going on inside of THEM and has nothing to do with YOU.
Whether they are a spouse, SO, or total stranger.
Whether they are a spouse, SO, or total stranger.
These issues hit me kind of hard because I have social anxiety anyway and one of my biggest fears is being unaccepted, so coming from a loved one the criticism and bad behavior is particularly difficult.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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This is allowing him to live rent-free in your head. Since you're not with him physically it about recovering from low self esteem and therapy is the way to go about it. Also, Al-anon. It helped me to accept that I stayed with an abuser much longer than I should have which is my problem of co-dependency. Also, bringing positive people into my life and taking life-affirming things. I started fast walking and volunteered at a shelter which helped me feel much better about myself. And, it takes time. A sponsor told me I should treat myself like I just survived a major car accident, good advice since that's how I felt. But know this: you will recover, it takes time.
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