Helping a child affected

Old 08-16-2012, 08:41 PM
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Helping a child affected

Not exactly sure where to post this, if it's in the wrong place please feel free to move it.

I would like to know if anyone knows some good reading materials/resources/kid websites for a 12 year old who has lost a parent to alcoholism/drug addiction. He has also witnessed domestic violence and various mental health issues during his short life. His mother became psychotic and violent herself towards the end as her mental health declined and at least on one occasion attempted to violently attack her own son.

Despite all this he still misses his mother and has confused feelings because when clean/sober her personality could be quite different. They did have a close bond. (Her death occurred about 3 years ago).

We live in a remote region, counselling services are poor. Many of them don't seem to have had much experience dealing with kids who have been through the experiences of my nephew. The local school and family services referred to us have unfortunately tended to be condescending and patronizing, neglecting the real issues.

Any help/advice would be appreciated. These things are of course very difficult to explain to a 12 year old, and though we try he probably needs to hear it from an independent source who isn't so personally involved/invested. And of course there are various things he probably doesn't feel that comfortable approaching us with.

On the plus side he is very bright, socially outgoing, athletic, able to articulate himself well etc. But now and then he seems to be 'acting out', having some trouble controlling his anger, insecurity issues, excessive attention seeking behaviour, etc. It may be his way of coping, but I worry re the consequences if he carries this into adulthood. Intellectually he is bordering on gifted, emotionally however he often seems to regress to a much younger age (at times though he can be the complete opposite, like a mini adult, then at other times very needy and immature). Our main advice has been to provide him with as calm and stable, structured environment as possible, which we try to do. My sister may be gone but he is still with us and as far as we are concerned, though it is sad she did what she did with her life, he is now the main priority.

The best help we've had so far has been from the local school chaplain, but she has just retired, and so of course this could stir things up for him again. If need be I will consult more local services, but any advice on resources for him etc would be appreciated.
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Old 08-16-2012, 09:40 PM
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Call the AA number in the phone book and ask them for listings of Alateen meetings in your general area.

Even if you have to drive him and pick him up, it would be very beneficial to him to 1) find he is not alone with having and addicted parent and 2) will get great peer support which can be so important at this time.

He will get good advice (and not coming from his beloved aunt, lol) he will identify with others as others will identify with him, and he will start to learn how to process it all, work and live a 12 step program that will benefit him ALL his life.

That's all I can think of right now.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-16-2012, 10:40 PM
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The only advice I have is the advice my counselor gave me. I was married to an abusive alcoholic, and here are some of the things my counselor has taught me over the past couple of years:

~ Your job is to provide a stable, healthy environment. Children, and adults, tend to choose that and live what they see modeled in a healthy environment. I have a 12-year-old who sounds similar to yours -- with anger management problems and depression (which in some people expresses itself as anger). What we've done (me and my new SO) is to model for her that which she never saw when she grew up: Anger handled properly. During my marriage, I didn't show my anger at all; I stuffed it. And my AXH exploded. So seeing two adults get angry and handle that in a proper way has helped her. Just as seeing us react calmly to her provocations has. It's like she's trying to see "If I do THIS, will you explode? If I say THIS, will you tell me I'm an idiot and you hate me?" because that's what she's used to from her father. When she's faced with firm boundaries established in a calm manner, it calms her down.

~ It's important that they know that they didn't cause it. Kids think they cause all kinds of things. My kids both thought their father drank because they were "bad." It's taken a long time of repeat explanations to drive the point home that this is a disease (psychosis may be easier to accept as a disease), and like with all diseases, if the sick person refuses to get treatment, they're not going to get better.

~ They will have mixed emotions. When it's your parent we're talking about, they will somewhere always have that hole in their heart where their parent couldn't be the parent they wanted. The point you want them to get to, however, is past "My mother never loved me, there's something wrong with me" to "My mother never loved me, there was something wrong with her"...

When you're in a small place, finding a good counselor can be hard, and then there's the fear of the stigma -- being 12 is hard enough without being The Kid Who Sees A Therapist. I agree, though, that driving to the next town (if that's an option) could definitely be worth it. Where I live, Ala-teen meetings are few and far between, so we've gone the counselor route, and that has worked well for us.

I also let my kids vent. I don't ever speak badly about their father, ever -- but when they say things like "Dad is lazy, when we're at his house, he just sits in front of the ballgame with a beer" or "I hate Dad, he's such a loser"-- I let them. I don't correct them, I don't explain the behavior, I let them talk about what they see. I ask, "so what do you do then?" or "how does it make you feel when he does that?" and sometimes they have an answer, sometimes they don't.

I think for your sanity (it sounds like you're a primary caretaker for this boy right now?), I would recommend finding some good reading material that talks about what living with an alcoholic parent does to kids. Maybe hang out in the ACOA section of this forum, too, and see what you can learn there. I can't pull a title out of my brain right now, but I'm sure others will come along with ideas.

This boy is lucky to have you -- because living with an alcoholic messes with your mind, and the fact that you realize this and are reaching out to find ways to help him is awesome.

Edit to add this: Calling AA's helpline is a great idea because they may also be able to recommend a counselor that's not too stinkin' far away...
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Old 08-16-2012, 11:33 PM
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Tyvm. Alateen is something I will definitely look at, I hadn't thought of that before now. I am also thinking of asking for some adolescent counselling as he is now moving into that age bracket, maybe we will have more luck there.

One of the most difficult things to answer is 'Why didn't Mum love me enough to stop?' I heard another mother in rehab on TV say something along the lines to her kids that 'if love was enough, I would have stopped a long time ago'. I don't want him to think that her problems were anything to do with him, but so hard to explain to a child. They easily internalize and blame themselves for what is going wrong.

I think he also has some issues with guilt. The last time he was taken from her, my sister had collapsed, he thought she was dead and dialled emergency services, they sent an ambulance and put them both into hospital. He later said that his mother was angry with him because of course she got found out. When he said to her 'Mum, did I do the right thing?' she told him 'No.' and that has stayed with him.

I have tried to explain that he did all he could do. If there hadn't been intervention then... something might have happened to him as well.

Addiction of course runs in families, I have had my own problems but am now clean and sober. I remember being taken to hospital in an ambulance myself, of course at the time I wasn't happy about it but later I recognized that it was all that the people around me could do.

My father was also a very heavy drinker, who has sorted himself out and has been okay for the past 20 years. He seemed distant and remote when I was a kid, but we have a much better relationship now and he has been very supportive. I find in myself though some of the traits of an ACOA so I guess should look through more of that material for myself too.

I try to keep reminding myself too that my nephew is his own individual, I tend to freak out over very small things that I notice in him and maybe in some way I am projecting some of my own past, or his mother's past onto him, which doesn't seem right to me. Especially last year, he seemed willing to do anything he could to impress his peers, and that set off an alarm bell for me, as I think that was how his mother first became involved in taking drugs/underage drinking. And unfortunately if they don't get involved in some form of recovery, we all know where it takes them.
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Old 08-17-2012, 02:42 AM
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When I was four years old, my mother became bipolar. I developed a very simple concept which helped me deal with the huge mood swings and changes in my mother's personality. I thought of her as being possessed by a bad ghost or spirit. Nothing I did could affect that evil spirit. I could only get out of her way during those times when she was possessed and became in essence another person. The rest of the time she was my real mother, fun and loving and caring.

Professionals I dealt with encouraged this view of my mother as a split personality. Although it was not medically a correct diagnosis, it completely fit my observations.

Maybe I watched too many Scooby-Doo cartoons as a kid. Hmm... that might also explain my love of goofy dogs.


The boy is now mainly dealing with grief, which is a very different issue and should be addressed specifically with grief counselling.
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Old 08-17-2012, 06:32 AM
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so glad you have the AWARENESS to do for your child and the awfull effects of the disease...this is will take take and patience...find a good therapist too? but AL TEEN is a awesome group
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Old 08-17-2012, 08:33 PM
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Alateen has been a wonderful experience for my kids ages 11, 14 and 17. I highly recommend checking it out.

I also pick up brochures from Al Anon meetings. These brochures are free and very, very helpful and easily read by a child. I leave them in the bathroom where the kids will read them and I use them as a basis for having conversations with them. These brochures have been extremely useful in our home. Their dad is an alcoholic.
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Old 08-17-2012, 09:52 PM
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Am looking at this site Alateen... hope & help for young people and some other links have been suggested to me, such as Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800

My local library also found some books for me, including 'The Grief Book - Strategies for Young People', by Elizabeth Vercoe and Kerry Abramowski.

I will read it first myself and see what may be helpful, am a bit concerned that if I give it to him to just read by himself it may be all a bit much for him to process.

I had a very difficult time as an adolescent and am glad that these days there are more resources available and I can already see that at a comparative age, he has much more awareness than I did of certain things, but still some things to work on.

I am not his primary caregiver - my parents are, but I am involved and have some community links, the Internet knowledge, etc. I don't have my own kids, never foresaw having any, so it's been an adjustment but I do want to be there for him now.
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Old 08-18-2012, 02:47 AM
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Dealing with various problems including abandonment from a living alcoholic parent is very different than dealing with problems and abandonment from a dead parent. Hearing other teens talk about having difficulties with their LIVING alcoholic parent won't be very helpful. Unless there is an Alateen group which specifically deals with the death of a parent, I would be very hesitant to take the boy to a meeting where the majority of conversation will be about living parents. I would take it even further and call it torture for him to have to sit through anyone talking about how they wish their alcoholic parent would pay more attention to them, go to school plays or sporting events, and not yell or abuse them.

He'd likely give anything right now just to see and hear his Mom yelling at him again.

Originally Posted by michelle01 View Post
The best help we've had so far has been from the local school chaplain, but she has just retired, and so of course this could stir things up for him again. If need be I will consult more local services, but any advice on resources for him etc would be appreciated.
If the retired school chaplain is still living in the area, ask her if she would be willing to continue talking with the boy. Also check local churches and community centers for age-appropriate grief and bereavement support. The school board might also have a school psychologist available. Another source of help or at least information is also guidance counsellors at nearby high schools who may be able to point the way to local help options.
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Old 08-18-2012, 08:42 AM
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I am a widow...my children have no father(he has alcoholic parents)

I did not like going to GROUP therapy for my grieving(its personal and i refuse to be compassionate for others grief at that time)...or to my therapiest, she didnt get it(dealing with the alcohol dysfunction)...

I have found that my program helped me greive better than my therapy did

again..this is another area that i can use the 12 step FORMAT for my grief and for my grieving children...

~take what you want and leave the rest~
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Old 08-18-2012, 08:49 AM
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The chaplain is planning to travel a bit, but she did give him her email address and phone numbers to contact her.

I see your points on Alateen, but am reading through the site and some of the materials I think may be helpful and strike a chord. A great thing is that we have had a lot of help and support from other families in the area, but yes we have noticed that sometimes he gets upset when he sees other kids with intact family units, a mother still in their lives, etc.

When I take him anywhere with me, I am mistaken for his mother... and that is strange for both of us. He is now entering teenage years, I am sharing a lot of things with him that his mother should really have been sharing with him, it's sad that she is missing out on this part of his life.

I have discussed this also with my parents, we are trying to work together on it. I can find local social working contacts, but as they have official custody it is really up to them... we have all been to school meetings, but they haven't gone very well. So we may need to try local medical/health centeres again (they've had some restructuring and restaffing lately).

One teacher I spoke to last year spent an hour or so telling me all kinds of things and at the end I felt angry - it was as if she thought I didn't even know my own nephew and his issues (they spoke to my mother this year in much the same way, without much respect or listening to her), and some things were just off base. She herself - the teacher last year - apparently came from a troubled background but instead of that helping it seemed that she was projecting a lot of her own issues onto him, which I didn't feel was appropriate. Her coworker was somewhat more helpful... but she's soon retiring as well. The school promised to find him a psychologist but only with a lot of conditions and it seemed some of their own agenda, which was disappointing.

Anyway, it should come down to what is best for him, and making the best of the situation. I have had to shift my own perspective in many ways in recent years, as part of my own recovery - I have had very unhealthy thinking for years and a lot of 'baggage', I have had to relearn what I can and can't do, what I do and don't reasonably have control over. This has been with the help of my own counsellor whom I can always turn to.

Originally Posted by Hypatia
When I was four years old, my mother became bipolar. I developed a very simple concept which helped me deal with the huge mood swings and changes in my mother's personality. I thought of her as being possessed by a bad ghost or spirit. Nothing I did could affect that evil spirit. I could only get out of her way during those times when she was possessed and became in essence another person. The rest of the time she was my real mother, fun and loving and caring.
I saw my sister's personality changes several times and these were truly some of the most frightening and disconcerting episodes of my life for me as an adult, I can't even begin to imagine for a child. I know that what he tells us isn't made up or exaggerated because it all sadly fits. There were times I didn't really feel that I was dealing with my sister anymore, instead some stranger I didn't know who had taken her place. It's sad that he has those memories but I also try to share with him some of her earlier life and the kid type things she liked doing - the books, music, movies etc she liked. I try to think of what she would have wanted for him, as the real person I knew before addiction took over. That guides a lot of things for me.

Thank you for the advice and perspectives, I appreciate the sharing and insights, because I know how emotional it can all be. There are things that are still very painful for me to share and some just seem missing blanks in my memory that come back as weird flashbacks when I don't really expect them. I wish you all the best in your own situations and for your well being.
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by michelle01 View Post
One teacher I spoke to last year spent an hour or so telling me all kinds of things and at the end I felt angry - it was as if she thought I didn't even know my own nephew and his issues (they spoke to my mother this year in much the same way, without much respect or listening to her), and some things were just off base. She herself - the teacher last year - apparently came from a troubled background but instead of that helping it seemed that she was projecting a lot of her own issues onto him, which I didn't feel was appropriate.
Hmm.... grade school teaching and counselling are two very different professions, so I am not surprised that you didn't hit it off well.

A teacher at that level of schooling will define the problem to be solved, tell the student what to do and how to do it. And even judge the work.

A counsellor will ask questions and help you define your own problems. Then by listening and posing questions, with occasional comments, the counsellor will help you work out your own action plan, so that you choose what to do and how to do it. And you award your own marks at the end. For older children and teens the counselling is not all that different.

You and your parents sound very committed and active. The boy is very lucky to have you all at this time in his life. He may not realise it for many years, but you are doing a great job!
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