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Wife might be leaving me after rehab

Old 09-12-2012, 12:04 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by 6901 View Post
At the same time, I am her husband and would like to be included in her life. Communication would have helped. It went from communication through the first part of her rehab to none the rest of it.
I just wanted to share that I understand that feeling of being excluded just when your spouse starts recovery. It took a while for me to separate "him" "me" and "us" and the issues related to each pronoun.

Also, in my experience with RAH, communication was one of the hardest issues for us to overcome & we're still working on refining it a year later. In the first 3+ months of his recovery we literally could NOT communicate effectively & frustration grew on both sides because of it. Hang in there, keep reading here at SR, the wealth of knowledge & experience is amazing!
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:00 PM
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Thank you FireSprite...that gives me a glimmer of hope. I'm just trying the best that I can and I'm learning as I go. I just hope with her being 8 hours away, it's not out-of-sight out-of-mind. But, I'm not going to be bugging her while she's away, just letting her do what she needs to do.
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Old 09-12-2012, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
I think the idea is so prevalent that alcoholism is the only problem in the relationship--and if "they" would just stop drinking, all would be well.

Many marriages don't work out---even when there is no addiction.

You mentioned that your wife has untreated bulimia. This (to me) suggests that the current situation is only the tip of the iceberg.

A LOT is going to unfold over time. I sincerely believe that the best thing you can do is to begin attending alanon and seek out a therapist for YOU. You are in for a ride.....hang on baby!
100% right on all three points (bolded). You also may (or may not) consider texting her the thoughts about why remaining at home may be less stressful. She'll have your text to do with it whatever she wishes (pitch, keep, forget, consider, reply, etc), and at least she'll have had the opportunity to consider it. Texting isn't as emotionally compelling as you telling her face-to-face.

We may never be able to understand the alcoholic/addict mind, and we'll certainly never be able to control it, but by going through this kind of dialogue and thinking we'll at least have better understanding of why so many things happen around them and why it is so insane in their brain (think compassion & detachment with love).

From Anorexics/Bulimics Anonymous as to addiction switching:
The Iceberg Theory.jpg
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:03 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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^^^^ wow! awesome page....when you look so DEEP into it, you are rite that alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg...

i am sorry you are going through all of this and that you are so vulnerable right now.... its a scary thing of the UNKNOWN of your marriage right now, time to re-focus on you and your recovery
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:21 AM
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Titanic - what an amazing share! Thank you so much!!!
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:26 AM
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If you have been best friends with equality and fairness, then realize this tide will rule in your favor...she might need to detach from you at the beginning of this to figure out herself as an independent person, as these are her problems, not the collective "your" problems...sorting herself out as an individual is what she needs...it might take some time. I would not panic over this temporary decision. You've been her best friend, not a control freak, right? So let her have some space, she will come back to you more than likely.
We are all drawn to real love...we all want to separate from fake love...since your love has been fair and honest, she will return when she is ready. First though, she has to do some individual work, naturally, as these are her problems and hers alone. Don't pressure her, or suggest she come home, just let her know that home is still there for her. Respect her temporary decision.
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