Shutterbug1

My ABF checked into detox on Tuesday. He is being transferred to a 2 month program today. I gave him an ultimatum. I told him to either get help or move out and i let him know that if he wouldn't move, i would. I was totally serious and prepared to leave. I was at the end of my tolerance. I let him know that he is free to do what he likes, that he is free to drink everyday for the rest of his life, just not with me.
So he checked in to detox. I truly believe he wants help but was afraid of not being able to pay, we found a free program and he checked in the next day.
I was thrilled when he left, so happy to have a calm house again, looking forward to some time to discover myself again. Most of all I was just relieved to know what to expect on my way home. Free from drama.
Yesterday I became severely depressed. I laid in my bed ALL DAY and barely had the energy to take a shower, I finally did at 9pm. I feel like a cloud has come over me and I am in a fog. I am really depressed over this whole sad situation. Why couldn’t we be more stable and “normal”? Why did this happen? Will I ever trust him again? Is it worth it? I love him and hate him. We have been together for eight years, so much time invested. Yesterday I wanted to cut my hair and change my appearance completely, but I couldn’t get out of bed. I want everything to be different, I feel like I’m in a bad dream. I just lost my mother last year, I am spent. I am feeling like life has been so hard for me and sadness is always around the corner, I often wonder what it was like for my mother to leave her body at the end of her life, she died with a smile on her face even though she was in so much pain. I don’t want to die yet; I just want to be somewhere else. I am feeling like my spirit is crushed, I am weak and tired of everything now. I want to be someone else.

Hypatia

Oh, I know those feelings really well. I'm just dragging myself out of them right now. My husband just went through detox two weeks ago and went on to rehab last Tuesday.

I just wrote about feeling very tired a few days ago. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3553818
initial feeling of relief? check
Depressed? check
No energy? check
in a fog? check
feeling spent? check
difficulty getting out of bed? check
feeling like life has been so hard for me? check

The difference for me is that I've been in this place many times and have learned to simply accept that it is a phase I need to get through. So I pamper myself for a few days. If I didn't feel like getting out of bed for a day then I didn't. Can't do that now because my dogs come and jump all over me and make it clear that I can either get up and take them out or have to clean up a big mess somewhere in the house. The thought of a pile of dogpoo in the middle of my living room or a puddle of pee in the den is enough to get me up and moving at least for an hour or so. Then I can get back to bed if I wish.

But... I give myself a deadline of a few days up to a week. If I continue to feel horrible then it is time for me to see a doctor or a therapist to help me get out of the pit. Often I manage it on my own but there have been times when I needed help. Usually some counselling helped me a lot. Nowadays my dogs are my prime catalyst in getting me back on track. They sure do know how to motivate me and get a different perspective along with focusing on simpler pleasures like getting out and taking a walk in the woods.

Give yourself a bit of time. It is normal and natural for you to be feeling down now that all the "excitement" is over. But do get help if it goes on for longer than a week or so. You don't have to suffer alone and there is help out there if/when you need it.

Learn2Live

For me, it has been a grieving process. I understand from other folks here that it's normal and healthy to allow yourself to grieve. If you google stages of grief, you can find some really good advice. It's very much like a death, so even the funeral home sources on grief are good to read. I am three months in and am just now beginning to function normally. I went the past two days without any pain in my heart but today I am crying again just like I was in the very beginning. Stay strong. Be kind and gentle on yourself. Give yourself permission to let things go for now. You don't need to be perfect, just be.

Shutterbug1

Thanks for your replies. I have also dealt with depression in the past; however this is my first experience waiting at home while my loved one is in long term rehab. SO many thoughts are going through my head. I go from feeling numb to tears flowing and flowing to anxiety. I also feel this intense craving for physical affection. I think because it’s been missing for so long due to his relapse. It feels so intense, I’m not sure why. I find myself fantasizing about a warm touch, a loving embrace, a passionate kiss or even just a hug. I have been fantasizing about a healthy, strong, stable and honest man. Part of me wants to cheat. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. It’s like I wonder if it will satisfy me to act on something selfish that I want and never tell him, my little secret. I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling so strongly obsessed about this. Maybe this is because I am tired of always being the selfless one, the honest one. Maybe I want to hurt him and lie to him like I feel he has done to me. these are awful thoughts and I probably won’t act on them, but I literally feel obsessed with these thoughts, has anyone else felt this way?

Learn2Live

I'm no therapist Shutterbug but it sounds to me like it is time for you to move on.

Shutterbug1

I feel like ultimately what I want is for him to get healthy and for us to restore what has been damaged. I do love him, but I hate the choices he has made recently. I feel like acting out because I am so hurt right now although i know that me acting out won’t solve anything and that the thought of cheating is immature. I feel hardened. I realize that i have given him too much of myself. I have allowed myself to be consumed by him and i need to break away from this behavior. I feel so lopsided right now, totally mixed up. My emotions are going wild. I just can’t wait to get home and do nothing. I can't focus at work, I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep and watch TV. I want to listen to sad music and mope. I want to change my hair, I want to feel beautiful. I want a breath of fresh air. I want to experience myself again, I want to change. I want to blossom. I want to go out with friends and not be worried about what I will find when I get home, I want to free my spirit again. I used to be such a free spirit, but I have caged myself…it happened in such a subtle way but I allowed it to happen, why did I do this?

djayr

You are not alone.

Wondering why you can't just be normal like other people in non alcoholic relationships, wow, if I had dollar for every time I thought that...

Also the love hate thing. I just wanted to say hang in there. It does help to post, vent, and if possible, go to al anon meetings. You have every right to be frustrated.

All the best ...