Why I am I the one spiraling?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
Why I am I the one spiraling?
I'm not the addict, or the alcoholic. I'm the responsible one. I make sure **** gets done, kids are care for, the house is in order. But here I sit spiraling. Nothing is moving fast enough and I still can't break my silence. I've cut myself off from friends because I'm afraid it will all come pouring out. Why????? Why do I care if people think less of him, when he has no problem making me out to be the nagging bitchy wife to his friends. Always the victim. Don't say anything to upset him or it'll push him to drink more. Don't talk about how I'm feeling, don't wanna push him to drink. What about me? What about my feelings??? When do I get to be emotionally unstable for 5 mins. Why do I always have to be the one who's "together" its so unfair. This whole thing is so ******* unfair!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
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Originally Posted by mamabearto3 
Don't say anything to upset him or it'll push him to drink more. Don't talk about how I'm feeling, don't wanna push him to drink.
If you are not able to make everyone around you start drinking when you speak to them, then perhaps it isn't you who are pushing him to drink?
Hmm... another cup of tea might be a good idea. I'm starting to think it should be my signature.
Originally Posted by Hypatia
A while back, my husband was ranting that I was to blame for his drinking, that I was forcing him. Interestingly it came just after he'd announced that he'll do whatever he wants and I can't make him do anything.
Can't have it both ways.
So I calmly asked him if he'd like a cup of tea. He looked at me like I was crazy, but said "no". I then asked him if I could make a cup of tea, force open his mouth, pour it down his throat and make him swallow it. He said "of course not!"
Well, I'm not buying vodka, forcing open his mouth, pouring it down his throat and making him swallow the alcohol, either.
So now whenever my husband tries to blame me for his drinking, I offer him a cup of tea.
And if I start feeling in any way responsible, I make myself a cup of tea and consider how I might be able to force him to drink it while sipping it myself.
Can't have it both ways.
So I calmly asked him if he'd like a cup of tea. He looked at me like I was crazy, but said "no". I then asked him if I could make a cup of tea, force open his mouth, pour it down his throat and make him swallow it. He said "of course not!"
Well, I'm not buying vodka, forcing open his mouth, pouring it down his throat and making him swallow the alcohol, either.
So now whenever my husband tries to blame me for his drinking, I offer him a cup of tea.
And if I start feeling in any way responsible, I make myself a cup of tea and consider how I might be able to force him to drink it while sipping it myself.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Mamabear, put simply, it is a FAMILY disease. Their disease affects, on average, four people. I became as sick as the addict. I had to get to the point where I could see the role that I played. When you are in close relationship with an addict, you are forced to play a role. Everyone is, including the children. We're often pretty damn good at the role we play, too. We are the silent, responsible, long-suffering ones. And we will continue to play this role to the best of our ability until it kills us. Unless we wake up. Unless WE decide it is time for us to change. To choose differently. We are often so beaten down that by the time we reach this point, we have almost no strength left. It often becomes a fight for our lives. An addict chooses death. You can choose life. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Thank you both for your perspective. I needed to hear both of those. Today was my last attempt at asking him to come to therapy with me. I just got another eye roll. I hate grasping at straws...
Going to my first meeting this week. I'm so nervous. I tried to go yesterday and chickened out. I feel like a meeting makes it really real.
Going to my first meeting this week. I'm so nervous. I tried to go yesterday and chickened out. I feel like a meeting makes it really real.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by mamabearto3
Thank you both for your perspective. I needed to hear both of those. Today was my last attempt at asking him to come to therapy with me. I just got another eye roll. I hate grasping at straws...
Going to my first meeting this week. I'm so nervous. I tried to go yesterday and chickened out. I feel like a meeting makes it really real.
Going to my first meeting this week. I'm so nervous. I tried to go yesterday and chickened out. I feel like a meeting makes it really real.
A meeting did make it real to me. I had been living in so much denial for so long.
Just because his reaction is what it is does not mean that your recovery (Al-Anon, therapy etc) is not a good idea. I am really starting to learn that I put so much stock on the external.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by mamabearto3
I agree. I'm just saddened by his lack of wanting to change. I miss the man I married. The man who gave a ****. Our life, our dreams are gone. I'm so so sad over this....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
While he's an active alcoholic he can't change; most therapists won't treat alcoholics unless they've stopped drinking.
Go to the meeting. Just go. Step out in faith and walk through that door. You don't have to talk. You can tell them up front that you're new and you just want to listen. If you change your mind and decide to share, that's totally up to you. Don't worry that you'll be thought of as stupid or whatever. Anyone there who is seriously working their program will understand and will show love & compassion. Anyone who doesn't should be reported, because Al-Anon is a group for support, not criticism.
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