Hypatia

Other options besides AA are discussed here on the SoberRecovery web site in different forums. You and/or your partner may find some of them interesting.

m1k3

I read Hypatia's post and your quote when it hit me. I did a quick search on Google for alternatives to AA. I got 14 pages of results in about 1 second. I then did a search on therapists who specialize in alcohol and addictions for my local area and received a nice size list as well.

One of the best pieces of advice I received on this forum was pay attention to their actions not their words.

Your friend,

peaches08

I feel the same way. It's part of my flip flopping back and forth as to whether I should remove the call block from my phone. Then I remind myself that he told me to burn my Codependent No More book, that it was doing more harm than good...he didn't understand what codependent meant, and he's so defensive I can't get through to him anyway. Agony is a good word for it.

This sounds like stuff I said early in my relationship. You really might ought to look up codependency.

marie1960

Dear Kate,

Please keep venting, we are here and listening.

I hope in time we can possibly be helpful to you and your recovery.

I got tired of hitting the brick wall at 100 m.p.h. It hurts like hell.

Please know we have walked in your shoes.

The names and faces are different,

but this ugly disease has caused us all hurt and pain.

We will be here for you as you sort this out.

I wish I could say that love will make it all better,

but the "happily ever after", is something we can only give ourselves.

NYCDoglvr

Bill Wilson, founder of AA, describes the alcoholic as self-centered, self-involved, "self-will run riot". Recovery is changing those characteristics. If someone is truly motivated they will change.

mmk11

The answer to your question is YES, without a doubt. Alcoholics are soul suckers in my opinion. They will take and take and take, but never give back to a relationship in a discernable and meaningful way.

Through 18mos of marital counseling with my AH, I continued to say that my husband is a good provider for us. My AH would become more and more frustrated and angry at me for thinking this (he actually went to great lengths to try and get me to feel guilty for my feelings). The reason for this is I could never say I felt emotionally supported, physically satisfied, or emotionally satisfied. I always felt lonely in a marriage.

I'm sorry for your pain. Please keep posting.

ZiggyB

My personal experience is also yes to the selfish.,..

I got to listen to him tell me how he was going to drink whether I wanted to or not

Then I got constantly demeaned and criticized about every aspect of my behavior, how I wasn't doing enough to meet his needs, be emotionally supportive, be outgoing enough, be interested in his friends more, be a better housekeeper, wake up earlier in the mornings, do every activity he wanted me to do.

All I asked him was to stop drinking so much so our relationship would be better. That never happened, of course. Yes, very selfish. The whole world revolves around them.

FireSprite

One of my favorite selfish moments with AH happened just a few months ago. He was nearly a yr sober, but he never seemed to 'get it' when I talked about how selfish he STILL was & the insinuation offended him SO deeply. He only seems to see the big drama & not the fine details when it comes to selfishness. It may not be in the same ways as when he was actively drinking, but definitely in lots of ways. So, ok, whatever dude. In these instances I've found it best to let him have enough rope to hang himself, lol.


One day he's headed to our linen closet (we have no storage in our master bath) for a new deodorant or something.

I call out, "Hey, grab 3 extra rolls of TP for the Master Bath too, & save me the trip? There's none in there."

He responds, "Oh, I don't need it."

Me: {long pause}

Him: OH!!!

Me: This is what I mean when I say YOU ARE SELFISH!

{I swear it was like watching the truth just wash over him...... it really made him stop - for a moment at least- and look at his total behavior & realize he IS that self-centered.}