bamboo10

I swear to god. Everything is me me me, all the time. Even sober its all about them.

He was in the hospital because he was an idiot and drank. not my fault, his own.

I was sick as anything and out of work for 4 days-not a big deal to him because HE was in the hospital while I was sick. So that makes me unimportant? I was sick because I was sick-not because I decided to get drunk on Sunday. Ughhhh I swear.

DAB

Yes, if our disease goes untreated.
Abstaining from alcohol is only a small part of recovery, we have to unlearn old habits an learn a whole new way to live.
Only then can we begin to make progress and eventually enough progress can be made that others notice the difference in our attitude, demeanor, and character.

dollydo

He is an alcoholic who is not in recovery, they ALL are self-centered and cocky...cause their first and only love is booze.

You haven't been with him long, why not start working on yourself and move on, he has nothing to offer you.

katiie1990

I was asking myself the same thing tonight. my partner is 2 weeks sober, tonight his friend called him and asked him to go out, he told me he will not drink but we will see. he has left me at home alone with a week left of my pregnancy.. he then makes me feel bad for being upset that he is leaving me and calls me selfish?

bamboo10

Dollydo, i know you are coming from a good place, but i dont find that helpful. its not easy to give up on someone you love. i know people that are more in love at 3 weeks than people who have been married many years. so i dont think time is something to consider.i came to vent and get support. not be told to leave him.

Fandy

if he is so irritating and you are fighting like this with only 8 months in a relationship, what do you invision in 2-3 years? children with this man? this push-pull tug of war about who's turn is it to be sick? (who is going to care for whom and a child)?

IDK, i never felt i was a selfish drunk, but it took all i had to drag myself through the day, the hell with time for anyone else, i was just getting me through the day, until i could relax with a drink.

ichabod

My husband is in his 3rd year of sobriety. Repairing the damage to the relationship/family is something that we work hard on all of the time.

I asked him how he could have ignored us and done such stupid things when he is such a good person when sober. He said that when he was drinking, he never even considered the effects of his actions on us. His only purpose was to drink. It was really hard to hear that I was in a marriage where I loved him and worked hard to keep everything together and he wasn't even thinking about what he was doing to me. That's what addiction does.

So yeah, they are all selfish when they are drinking.

bamboo10

we honestly dont fight all that much. and when we do it is about drinking. so i tend to vent here. maybe you all think im stupid, thats fine. im just not going to post here anymore. I came for support not to be told im an idiot. Maybe you all want to save me from getting hurt later on but i need to make my own mistakes.

katiie1990

I agree Kate, many people have told me to leave my partner when i have asked for advice or support. Living with an Alcoholic is one of the hardest things i have done in my life, but i love him with all my heart and just want to do my best to support him and help him through his illness.

dandylion

Dear Kate, it is true that some people on the board do shoot pretty straight from the hip. Some might call it "tough love". But, I maintain that it IS LOVE. Most of us have suffered so much in the wake of this disease, and have great empathy for the newbies.

It is from that love that many want to spare you the same pain that they have suffered. I don't think the motivation is judgement---even if it does sound like that to you, right now.

Also, there is an old saying in alanon---and maybe, AA---"take what works for you and leave the rest".

dandylion

Katiekate

I thought I hurt being with an alcoholic.

The real pain began when I admitted to myself that I was co dependent.

That I was inflicting a boat load of pain and suffering on myself. And that the person I thought was helpless was in the way of me being at peace. God I love him. And now on top of that, I have to deal with how I hurt him.

Now I know why I was in denial for long.

This is agony.

NWGRITS

To echo dandylion: You came and asked for support and advice from people who have been there and are in recovery, while you are not. We're not going to sugarcoat things for you here. It would be a huge disservice to you, and wrong of us to do so.

Just know that there is nothing YOU can do to change your A. You can't "fix" any of it on your own. You can try, but it won't work. We have no control over the A's in our lives, period. If they don't want to get sober, they won't. They are selfish when they're drinking. You don't matter to them. Nothing else matters but alcohol. We're not being mean by telling you this, we're telling you the truth. One of the first things you'll learn in Al-Anon (which I highly recommend for both of you new girls) is the three C's:

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.

Get to a meeting, keep posting here, keep talking about it. We won't always tell you what you want to hear, but we'll sure tell you what you need to hear. But like dandylion said, "take what works for you and leave the rest."

bamboo10

I know I can not change him. I am aware of that. I left tonight knowing he is most likely going to drink wheni did tonight bc we fought but I left anyway. I'm not giving into him. He is trying to find other options besides aa and is serious about quitting bc if he doesn't his pancreas will kill him. I am reading codependent no more as well. I have been to alanon and know the rules but left my meeting when a woman told me that since my grandfather was an alcoholic (sober 24 years) that my brothers who drink like average college 21 year olds are going to be alcoholics as well. I have not since been able to find a meeting I like but I refuse to be with someone who would say something like that when I was never even discussing my brothers t begin with. She pried and pried and then told me that. So while I am still looking I haven't found a meeting I fit in with yet. Part of my feeling like ot sharing is that I feel like everyone judges and looks down on me when I post. I know you are being honest with your situations but Im not dumb. I have begun to put my foot down with my a and will continue to do so. And if it gets bad, I don't neeed anyone else to tell me to leave, I will do the on my own. Sorry for the typos-on my phone.

NWGRITS

We understand, believe that. It just sounds like you're trying to make excuses for him. We only say this because we have a wealth of experience and we've heard it all. A big motto here is "Plug your ears and open your eyes." Words from an A mean nothing. If he's serious, HE will seek out help for himself. You can't do it for him.

m1k3

Hi Kate, what I can say from the alcoholics I have know and loved is YES. They were so effing selfish. Evening the sober periods they were so effing selfish.

I don't believe anyone is calling you an idiot. If they are like me they look at you and see where they were and are trying to save you a lot of pain.

Being here I discovered that my experience was not unique. I swear there must be some secret society of alcoholics where they are given a handbook on how to behave. I have seen it in my qualifiers and heard it in the stories I have read here and heard in Alanon meetings. Even when they are sober. I heard it from a good friend of mine that when you wring the alcohol out of as asshat you are still left with an asshat.

I truly believe what Dolly was saying is to ask yourself these questions.

What am I getting out of this relationship?
Is this what I would want for my daughter?

It's OK to take care of your own needs and to have your partner support you.

What I can tell you from experience is that if your partner has not embraced a recovery program of some sort it very we'll may get much, much, much worse.

Your friend,

DAB

Why is you A against AA?
Not only does it wring the alcohol out of the asshat, it also helps to wring the ass out of the hat.

Learn2Live

Yes, they are all very selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. The world revolves around THEM. Trying to be in a relationship w an alcoholic or addict has never been satisfying for me. I dislike being ignored, used, taken advantage of, and unappreciated. I dislike very much how all of my attention, energy, and resources have to be focused on THEM, while I sacrifice and neglect myself and my own care and happiness. IDK why but it seems they are all this way, including those I have been involved with and the alcoholics and addicts folks talk about here on SR.

EnglishGarden

The answer to your question is yes.

BobbyJ

I just read thru all of the post.

I didnt take it as anyone was telling you to MOVE OUT.
I read, MOVE ON

I hear alot of anger in your post. And you found the right place to vent.

If you dont want to hear replies: Maybe next time, write this in your post

* I JUST NEED TO VENT - PLEASE NO REPLIES* just listen to me!!!!

That's part of you - getting honest!

and Moving on with YOUR LIFE
wheter it's with him or without him....It's your life and it's all about you!

BobbyJ

And to add to this: I remember when I first started on this site. I felt like I was put in the corner sometimes. My life was a mess and I wanted my AH to get sober. I wanted him to love me and visa versa. You know, "love"
I didnt have anger. I had "rage". Like a fighting bull kind of rage!
My friends, My kids, everyone around me - could feel it. No one liked to be around me
and I hated myself. Real ugly!

I thought I could put my foot down
and geeze, I tried for 17 years. Never worked.

- As time went on and I continued to do my steps, read many many books, stayed on this site and got on my knees and prayed AND took a good hard look, at what a mess I WAS.

It was then, I come back here and listened to some of these old coot's.
Their word's all started to make sense.
They cared.
They knew exactly how I felt..Kind of weird!
The door's began to open.
My life started to turn around.
The anger left. The sadness started to disappear.
I became stronger. I gained friends. I was invited to new places.
The sun began to shine.

And I started to love myself enough to give up on trying to put my foot down on changing an alcoholic, let alone another human being.

I really hope you find peace! - It's all take's time....

As far, as the lady saying that to you in class about your brother.
IF your doing your steps and working on you, like your suppose too
Her garbage talk, would of went in one ear and out your other ear....
Dont let what someone say's to you....Beat you down!!!
Your go to meetings for you!

HUGS - From a "old coot"