choublak

Says my mom. She seems to think that was a waste. That I could've spent that time, say, working or taking a college course. But I didn't understand what was going on, and had to educate myself in order to actually MAKE some decisions in order to move foreword. She doesn't seem to get that.

akalacha

¨ She doesn't seem to get that.¨ Well, that's her loss. Just my opinion, but when one has to deal with alcoholism, the more you know the better prepared you are to make the best decisions for yourself. So good on you for learning and educating yourself.

Diva76

Hmmm...usually mom's know best, but not
in this case, I'm afraid...
Had I not taken the time to educate myself
about this terrible disease, I would
still be blaming myself for the alcoholic's unacceptable
behavior towards me...
Or even worse, I might still be under the misconception
of what a "healthy" relationship looks like...

When I was involved with addicted men in the past, I was always the
one who did all of the giving...
Addicts unless they are in recovery are not
capable of reciporocal relationships because they
are too Pre-occupied with their drug of choice...

There's being alone...as in being by yourself..
And then there's alone as in being with an addicted partner, which for
me, is so much worse, than actually being by myself...

Today, I am no longer in "survival mode"
Because I no longer live with active addiction, I now know what it truly means to live life!

LaTeeDa

Well, you know what's best for you and your mom has her opinion. I do see her point, in a way, though. Just look at this board. So many of us spend so much time and energy trying to figure out what makes the alcoholic tick, when we could be spending time figuring out what makes us tick. I have to say, the time I spent figuring out ME was much more productive that the time I spent trying to figure out HIM.

L

choublak

I'm not talking about trying to figure out what makes the alcoholic tick, I mean the basics, like Alcoholism 101. For example, I naively wanted an active alcoholic to be straight up honest with me and just tell me if he wanted to continue drinking so that I could make a decision about where to live. I had to learn some basic things about alcoholism to understand that it just doesn't work that way. I also had to learn that you can't exhort promises from an active alcoholic. Meanwhile, when I had first told my mom about my BF having a drinking problem, she said, "find some activities and stuff for the two of you to do" which, though she meant well, is actually very bad advice (another thing I had to learn) and that it is 100% the job of the alcoholic to decide to stop drinking, and that I am absolutely not the Entertainment Committee. I've come to realize that there are a lot of people out there who, much like I used to be, just don't quite get how alcoholism/addiction and recovery works, and that it is the responsibility of the alcoholic to protect his or her sobriety.

Summerpeach

I don't regret the time I spend learning about addiction, because its taught me to never be with an addict in any respect again.
So it was time well spent, but to do it all over again if I were to stay or be with an another addict, then that would be time wasted.

fourmaggie

hun....she dont get it...
opinion of difference is fine...just ignore her...

sugarbear1

What's next on your agenda, Choublak? Now that you understand alcoholism more fully, what's next?

Did you find work yet? Just curious...

Take care of you!

Love & hugs,

BlueSkies1

This post made me think about what our schools teach and what is swept under the rug.
Almost all families are dysfunctional in some way, or do at least have room for improvement.
What if the world society wasn't so greedy as to learn new technology all the time and ways to make money and instead focused partly in our school systems on healthy relationships, and all the different kinds of dysfunction? Psychology, addictions, and so many issues. You self-taught yourself the class on addiction, no waste at all.

It might help the entire world to take this class!

It is never a waste to educate yourself about something that affects you. You learn about yourself through the process too, not just the addict. You learn the ways you are nieve, gullable, and vulnerable to the manipulative and intimidation techniques that addicts have mastered, and you learn the ways that your fear, neediness, etc., enabled.
We have to pull our heads out of the sand to learn these things, but knowledge is power, and in the case of psychology, knowledge is power to help ourselves form more healthy relationships.

Learn2Live

Knowledge is power.

Justfor1

It doesn't matter if the alcoholic says they will stop drinking or not. They could be lying or they could really mean that they want to stop but continue to "slip" with drinking days. Words mean very little with alcoholics. The old saying "actions speak louder than words" apply.

LaTeeDa

Is that Alcoholism 101? Or is that Life 101? By focusing on myself, I've learned that I can make a decision about where to live, what to do, who I spend my time with, or anything else, whether others are honest with me or not. I don't depend on promises made by others to determine the direction of my life. I figure out what's best for me and if it works out that it's also best for my partner, great. If not, then maybe I chose the wrong partner. This applies to everyone who crosses my path, not just alcoholics.

L

mmk11

For me, I had to learn about alcoholism - because I had the rug pulled out from under me one day (actually, it took one minute for my AH to snap) and he decided he didn't want to be married. For months I fought for us, to know avail. I was a complete wreck trying to figure out my AH's motivations. I read here, discussed with my counselor, read and read and read, so I could realize my AH left me because of his addiction; I stood in his way. I have learned so much about manipulative and addictive personalities, and what behavior I will and won't accept in future relationships. Like L2L said, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Thats not a waste at all. If your mom doesn't understand what you had to do, that's ok.

Hypatia

Learning is always good, but not to the exclusion of living. There comes a point when parents get concerned about their adult children becoming independent and able to support themselves once the parents are no longer able to, or gone.

Her comments may have nothing to do with alcoholism per se, but rather that she's waiting impatiently for something a bit more concrete and practical which would lead to a solid career.

choublak

Exactly, and I had to learn this myself. I actually am learning to apply the "actions speak louder than words" saying to my own behavioral patterns, as I suck at following through and doing things I say I will do. Lots of thoughts pass through my head, about what I could/should do, but I have difficulty acting on them.

choublak

True. Either way though, I had to re-educate myself and re-program my mindset of relationships etc. If that makes any sense.

choublak

This is exactly right. But isn't her reacting that way something she should work on herself? I have told her before, "look, I'm sorry you feel the way you do about this, but that sounds like a personal problem you should work on yourself." When I say this, she argues with me and insists that she's fine. She insists that she's fine, and then proceeds to tell me that I need to "do something".

She's impatient and frustrated, but I don't think I can do anything about how she feels.

NYCDoglvr

I was taught to live in the solution, not the problem. It's much better spending time on my recovery, which is the only thing I can affect.

choublak

Well why does she keep insisting that she's fine and has no problem?

gerryP

^^^ Who knows and does it really matter Choublak?
She has a right to her opinions as you do and you can agree to disagree.

With all due respect, you seem to get stuck on minutia and the trouble with that is it prevents you from working on you. Maybe that's what you are wanting to to avoid- is yourself. Maybe working on you, moving forward with a job and or school is where you should give your energy. What you are doing is as fruitless as navel gazing.