RedCandle

I have posted several times on here about one of my alcoholics...my RAXBF.

He relapsed several months ago...I went insane--> joined Al Anon and today marks my 4th month in the program. I do not yet have a sponsor...so I'm turning to you.

My RAXBF and I had several months of silence. I then received an email from him and we communicated online for a month. I finally agreed to see him in person after several repeated requests by HIM, to take things "very slow."

Things did not go very slow and I felt, rather quickly, that my boundaries were being invaded. Unfortunately, once the visit was over and we went back to communicating via email and phone (4 hour distance)...all of the past frustrations, insecurities and struggles seemed to return...for BOTH of us.

I'm really disappointed that two adults seem to have such a hard time getting a grip! However, we are BOTH less than a year in our respective programs. I suppose we don't have all our cards...

Anyway, we are back to zero contact. And I'm frustrated.
I don't *want* anything out of him...but I don't want THIS to be the way we part, with heated words...into ANOTHER round of silence, or perhaps, complete separation.

Today I wrote a draft email, which I have not sent.
I simply said that I'm frustrated at how things turned out...that I'm not asking for anything except to call for a "truce" of sorts because I do not want ANGER to be the way we part or end things.

I guess walking off into "no contact" on bad terms is really bugging me.
I know I'm supposed to "detach with love"...but I'm really having a tough time.

Ok...are my motives sane? Or is there some hidden agenda here that could really be leading me into darker, deeper waters?

Thanks everyone.

LaTeeDa

Sometimes (in fact, most times) things just don't turn out the way we want them to. What I hear is a need to control. You want to control the outcome. When I feel the urge to control, I have found that it's best to just wait. More will be revealed.

L

RedCandle

Its true...

Its probably the WORST time to do ANYTHING when I'm feeling frustrated and upset.

I just hate this periods of "no contact!" I feel like a two year old giving the silent treatment. HOWEVER....I start ACTING like a two year old when I let it all pour out in an argument.

So yes, I'm disappointed about how things turned out.
And yes, I'd like to put my hands in there to relieve some of my anxiety...

RedCandle

We WERE No Contact.
He broke No Contact and I re-engaged.
We are not BACK in No Contact.
I do not LIKE No Contact and do not LIKE feeling like I have to "keep it up" in order to assert my boundaries.
I do not WISH to stay in No Contact.

I don't understand the horse thing...

I just, as I said, don't like how things ended, and how things are.
And I'm trying to get some advice on how to improve a situation...

CodieBird

LOL! I'm sure that's what all my loved ones shake their head and say about me. Thanks for your witty wording that gave me a chance to laugh at myself, anvilhead.

PaperDolls

I feel ya Red.

The thing is, you don't have to like it .... but is the no contact the best for you?

RedCandle

Oh...I don't get the horse thing....

:-(

RedCandle

PaperDolls...I just don't like it.
I feel like there was "unfinished business" and I don't like that the "solution" to our struggles is to evaporate from each other's existence.

On the other hand...our communication keeps breaking down.

So yes, I seem to have some expectations about how our communication *should* go...and I know that's "wrong"...but there is an itch for me to try to absolve some of the hurt imposed by how things "ended."

m1k3

With recovery I came to learn that OUR struggles weren't really our struggles. she had her's and I had mine. I had no control over how she handled her struggles and she had no control over how I handled mine.

I learned over time to simply work my side of the street and let other's worry over theirs. As I did this my life became simpler and I started to get sane again.

The only person I could fix is me.

Or, as Cyranoak told me when I first joined the boards, no contact means no contact. I was annoyed with that at first but it was so true.

So, write all the letters and emails that you want, do them for you and simply don't send them. For me it was great therapy.

Your friend,

RedCandle

So even though I don't want no contact....I should maintain it out of respect to him, as he is no longer communicating either? Just stay on my side of the street?

m1k3

You got it.

By the way, you really can't have a relationship with an alcoholic. They are just too messed up to be part of a partnership. This goes for alcoholics in the early stages of recovery as well. If I remember right AA recommends no relationships for the 1st year of recovery.

And, as you will hear here and in AA, alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages. There is a lot of truth in that.

If the truth be told, I was just as messed up as my AW. I have read that people in relationships suffer from PTSD in ways that are very similar to people who have served in combat. It took me a long time to find myself again.

Give yourself a change to heal as well.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

FireSprite

Red, I think the original phrase is something like, "Don't bother shutting the barn door after the horse is out"... meaning it's fruitless to waste time shutting that door after the horse has already escaped = it's too late.

Anvil is just particularly colorful with her wording, lol. :rotfxko

rdlesstraveled

RedCandle,

I feel you. I am in a similar situation. I am in pain right now. There is such a connection with these men.

I can "hear" in your "voice" that you are in pain and want this relationship to work. I totally understand.

I have absolutely no advice to give because I have no idea what the h3LL to do myself. I can only send you love and hope and maybe one day we will both wake up and everything will be OK (whether we are with our SOs or not). I have received a lot of good advice today on this board. I had a breakdown earlier and the advice and kindness from these fellow posters literally saved me from having to leave work early.

Time seems to move so slow and it is not fair. It should be so easy, right? Can't he get it together and can't we have a happily ever after? Is it so much to ask?

I have no answers, but we will both get there. We will both be happy. I have faith.

RedCandle

M1k3....I understand. Thank you.
I know a relationship this early in recovery is NOT possible for either of us. That's not what I was after. But I WAS hoping that we could SLOWLY regain some sort of sane communication....until things imploded. That's what I'm upset about.

I will leave things as they are...

Sigh...I still don't get the horse thing.
It's too late for what?
Too late to try to ask for a "truce"?
Too late to try to resolve our no contact?
To late for there to ever be a solution to ANY of this?

kudzujean

People in relationships with alcoholics/addicts?

"I have read that people in relationships suffer from PTSD in ways that are very similar to people who have served in combat."

Where did you read that? I can well believe it. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD but I sure have got it.

RedCandle

THANK YOU RdlessTraveled...I needed to hear that.

I realize *I* need to get my act together TOO.
I repeatedly throw up a No Contact wall when I feel hurt. I did it again and it doesn't feel good. But the consensus seems to be that some distance is what we both need...and I'm going to try to respect that...

rdlesstraveled

I had to do that distance thing today. My RBF and I are both ACOAs so it is difficult when 2 people have no clue what the heck they are doing. Both want to be healthy, both want a relationship to work, but neither know how the heck to do that. It is like 2 toddlers in a room. both want this toy that is in the center of the room. Both want the toy SOOOOOO bad (they are even willing to share that toy) but alas, neither have learned to walk yet. And crawling takes soooooo long.

rdlesstraveled

hmmmm, freudian slip...........toddlers can walk though can't they? they both just forgot that they have the tools to do it, but just have to come to that realization.

m1k3

To be honest I really don't remember. I have been to so many web sites and read so many books on this topic. I think what is was referring to is the symptoms both groups exhibit.

What I do remember was at the time I thought I don't think so.

Now, looking back on what I went through it sounds right.

I was given an informal diagnosis from my AW's therapist when we had a joint session and I thought there was still a chance to save what really hadn't existed for a long time, my marriage.

After the session she said to me I show all the signs of PTSD.

Thank god for SR, Alanon and having a program. I'm much more sane and serene now.

Your friend,

rdlesstraveled

and I throw up that wall too. It feels safer to reject/throw up a barrier before the other person does. Crazy thing is that when you lower it, you become petrified that the other person will throw up the wall, so you do it again. Back and forth, back and forth.

We will get healthy and then they will. We can do it!!!!! worse case scenario..... we get healthy and we don't stay with our SOs, but guess what? we are still healthy!