Double Winner ....
Choosing Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Double Winner ....
Well, like some of you, I'm a "double winner" ... I'm an alcoholic also married to one. The difference is, I'm sober and he has no desire to be. For a long time we were "drinking buddies," but then I realized I was getting out of control and I quit. He quit for a short time but then went back to drinking.
Since then, his behavior has gotten worse. His typical day is to come home wasted at 3-4 in the morning, sleep until noon, then get up and drink for an hour or so and then go right back to the bar. I also suspect some cheating is involved, although at the moment I can't prove it.
Anyway, I finally had enough on Friday night and when he came staggering in at 3 am, I told him to get out. We had a pretty ugly fight but he did leave and has been gone since then. We had one phone conversation since then, although it was rather nasty and he ended up hanging up on me. I have since seen a lawyer and have been discussing my options. Turns out that considering his alcoholism, his abandonment of his family (he's never home unless he passed out in bed), his possible adultery, and the fact that we have a special needs child who will need financial support for the rest of his life, he will fare VERY badly financially in a divorce if this goes forward. Our state normally does a 50/50 division of assets (there's quite a few of them) but given these circumstances, it will probably end up 70/30 in my favor ... plus he will have to pay alimony and child support. It will change his opulent lifestyle considerably ... his business makes 7 figures a year and he spends money like it's going out of style. He's the most popular guy the bar ... buying everybody drinks and food, spending money on extravagant "toys," etc. It will not be a good thing for him.
I have given him a week to decide if his family is more important than his booze and his bar buddies. He has until Monday to make a decision. If he chooses his boozing over his family, I go forward with the proceedings. It will suck for all of us, but it isn't going to make a whole lot of difference in the end ... my boys and I have been living pretty much without him for the past year so a divorce isn't really going to change much. My oldest son wants nothing to do with him anymore and doesn't even consider him his father anymore. And he certainly hasn't been a husband to me ever since his drinking escalated. The most important thing is that he is a threat to my sobriety and if I'm not sober I can't take care of my kids. They need one sober parent in their lives.
And yet I feel guilty. Why?! I guess because I have known this man for over 30 years (we were high school sweethearts) and have been married 20 years. He was never like this until a about a year ago and then he just started drowning in the bottle. He barely resembles the man I've known most of my life. At his core, I know he is a good man ... he loves me and his boys ... and yet he just has this one little problem (sarcasm intended).
I keep going back to the memories of what a wonderful person he is when he isn't drinking. He is kind hearted, funny, generous, loving, exuberant, and good natured. But since he started drinking heavily, he has become bitter, angry, unkind, inconsiderate, selfish, and heedless of anyone else's feelings. I know this isn't the man he really is ... it's the alcohol talking. But if he isn't willing to give up the alcohol ... well, that wonderful man is not going to come back to us.
So conflicting. I don't know how you all do it. Advice would be appreciated.
Since then, his behavior has gotten worse. His typical day is to come home wasted at 3-4 in the morning, sleep until noon, then get up and drink for an hour or so and then go right back to the bar. I also suspect some cheating is involved, although at the moment I can't prove it.
Anyway, I finally had enough on Friday night and when he came staggering in at 3 am, I told him to get out. We had a pretty ugly fight but he did leave and has been gone since then. We had one phone conversation since then, although it was rather nasty and he ended up hanging up on me. I have since seen a lawyer and have been discussing my options. Turns out that considering his alcoholism, his abandonment of his family (he's never home unless he passed out in bed), his possible adultery, and the fact that we have a special needs child who will need financial support for the rest of his life, he will fare VERY badly financially in a divorce if this goes forward. Our state normally does a 50/50 division of assets (there's quite a few of them) but given these circumstances, it will probably end up 70/30 in my favor ... plus he will have to pay alimony and child support. It will change his opulent lifestyle considerably ... his business makes 7 figures a year and he spends money like it's going out of style. He's the most popular guy the bar ... buying everybody drinks and food, spending money on extravagant "toys," etc. It will not be a good thing for him.
I have given him a week to decide if his family is more important than his booze and his bar buddies. He has until Monday to make a decision. If he chooses his boozing over his family, I go forward with the proceedings. It will suck for all of us, but it isn't going to make a whole lot of difference in the end ... my boys and I have been living pretty much without him for the past year so a divorce isn't really going to change much. My oldest son wants nothing to do with him anymore and doesn't even consider him his father anymore. And he certainly hasn't been a husband to me ever since his drinking escalated. The most important thing is that he is a threat to my sobriety and if I'm not sober I can't take care of my kids. They need one sober parent in their lives.
And yet I feel guilty. Why?! I guess because I have known this man for over 30 years (we were high school sweethearts) and have been married 20 years. He was never like this until a about a year ago and then he just started drowning in the bottle. He barely resembles the man I've known most of my life. At his core, I know he is a good man ... he loves me and his boys ... and yet he just has this one little problem (sarcasm intended).
I keep going back to the memories of what a wonderful person he is when he isn't drinking. He is kind hearted, funny, generous, loving, exuberant, and good natured. But since he started drinking heavily, he has become bitter, angry, unkind, inconsiderate, selfish, and heedless of anyone else's feelings. I know this isn't the man he really is ... it's the alcohol talking. But if he isn't willing to give up the alcohol ... well, that wonderful man is not going to come back to us.
So conflicting. I don't know how you all do it. Advice would be appreciated.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Sounds like you're doing great to me! This little problem of feeling a bit sad or guilty is part of the path to freedom.
What do you do with that information?
Do you feel guilty?
Get angry, sad?
I would recommend letting go at that point, forgiving him.
When I dwell on the past I recreate it, and Sister I'm oughtta here!
I keep going back to the memories of what a wonderful person he is when he isn't drinking.
Do you feel guilty?
Get angry, sad?
I would recommend letting go at that point, forgiving him.
When I dwell on the past I recreate it, and Sister I'm oughtta here!
Choosing Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Good point ... yeah, unless he gets sober, that wonderful man is gone forever. I guess I have to face that fact. It's a tough one. I know he's in there somewhere but as long as alcohol is controlling his life, that wonderful man is not coming back. I'd love to be able to make this marriage work, but it won't unless he gets sober. And as long has he has no desire to get sober, the bitter, nasty man will be the one I have to live with. Not an option.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I don't think you get the old him back. I don't believe (in my personal experience) that a sober, recovering alcoholic is the same person they were before they began drinking.
Haven't you changed since your sobriety?
Is it the fantasy/magical thinking of what he once was that is keeping you stuck? Who he is today "the bitter, nasty man" is who he really is.
As we say around here:
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Haven't you changed since your sobriety?
Is it the fantasy/magical thinking of what he once was that is keeping you stuck? Who he is today "the bitter, nasty man" is who he really is.
As we say around here:
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I keep going back to the memories of what a wonderful person he is when he isn't drinking. He is kind hearted, funny, generous, loving, exuberant, and good natured. But since he started drinking heavily, he has become bitter, angry, unkind, inconsiderate, selfish, and heedless of anyone else's feelings. I know this isn't the man he really is ... it's the alcohol talking. But if he isn't willing to give up the alcohol ... well, that wonderful man is not going to come back to us.
Are you going to Al-Anon? You may want to consider doing so. Try to stay in the Present Moment and accept who AH is right now. Because that's the reality, I'm sorry to say. (((hugs)))
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