LifeRecovery

I was abnormally attracted to the traits of my loved one that involved manipulation. I am sure he had used these traits prior and they had worked. We were like the north and south poles of a magnet....put me near his stuff and I would get sucked in.

I don't know if it was a "conscious" way to react on his part. I suspect not. A lot of my crazy behaviors were in place prior to meeting an A (childhood stuff)....my crazy behaviors just complimented his so well that it was "meant to be." That is what got the ball rolling.

When I started to change the getting sucked in changed too. I was in a quandary. Keep doing what I knew was the best for me, and have a relationship not work, or keep stuffing down my own needs for the sake of the relationship.

I often feel like that is what a lot of us here are trying to find the balance on.

It is a relief to realize that though I continue to struggle, I have given up some of the vulnerabilities. I know I am not naive like I once was. Living with an A certainly changes that.

Learn2Live

Me too. Kept stuffing my needs down and waiting and praying for this person to calm down and start living a healthy life. Never happened.

sparklingeyes

Caught myself apologizing repeatedly last night at the store. It felt like guilt for making the man behind me wait because I was buying stupid cigarettes. Time to quit and get rid of this defect.

lizatola

Same here. Well, mine knows how to fake 'healthy' and that's how I kept getting deceived. It's amazing how I would cling to just one gesture, one gift, one decent conversation, etc and then think that everything is great. I may not be ready to leave yet, but at least I'm not blind anymore.

Learn2Live

sparklingeyes, I don't know how old you are but I used to do this ALL the time when I was young. Sister, you MATTER. You are important and you have a purpose in life. Do you know what it is? Do you know what direction you want to go in? Do you know what your heart truly desires?

Learn2Live

Yes, A&AXBF would fake healthy too. And yes, I was very confused, maybe not clinging, by his inconsistent behavior and choices. He would quit smoking and say, "I'm done," and then a week later buy a pack. He did this so many times it was so confusing. He would buy healthy food and we would prepare it together one week, then the next week he would be bringing home fast food, fried chicken, loads of candy, milkshakes, etc. I couldn't figure out which way was up and then I would eat this stuff and I just kept getting fatter and fatter, no matter how hard I worked to prepare healthy meals. One week he'd be working out and then the next week smoking. Week after week it was always something different. Round and round and round and round. It's like this person was just spinning his wheels at a thousand MPH and getting nowhere, but running roughshod over me, destroying my daily life in the process. I let everything in my life go, because I would literally hide from him in my own house. I became depressed, withdrawn, and sick. He has no boundaries whatsoever, no respect for anyone or their needs. Just barrels through life, running people over, ignoring their feelings and their needs, even his children. Self-absorbed, constantly complaining day after day about the same things, judging people for how they look, pointing his finger at his XW who, admittedly has problems but Jesus, even I could see that she was doing her best to provide stability to her children even though she appears unstable herself.

I'm such a doormat.

sparklingeyes

Thank you. How do I figure out what my purpose in life is?

Learn2Live

You look into your heart.

Think back to when you were a kid. What did you LOVE? What did you love to do? What did you want to be when you grew up? What were your activities and classes in school that you gravitated toward? Have you ever read the book, "I could do anything if only I knew what it was?" You can get it probably at your local library, or for 1 cent plus shipping on Amazon.

A HUGE problem I have struggled with is knowing what I want. I just go through life without being clear on what I want, so I take whatever comes my way. I waste time on FaceBook, and allow people from days gone by to come into my life. I realize now I should not get overly involved with people from my past. I need to leave the past in the past and really know and understand myself for who I am TODAY.

Thank you for these reminders, sparklingeyes.

sparklingeyes

One thing my heart truly desires is being with my fiancée for the rest of my life. When I was a kid I wanted to be a Singer, fashion designer, and psychiatrist. I would sing in private constantly. And secretly desired to play piano. I also would color for hours which has evolved into painting and photography. I've also been led to people to connect them to God. I don't know why but I ask to do his will. I also have felt led to theatre and people who are considered disabled or those who society finds not "normal ". I'm trying to figure it out.

Seren

May I ask why you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is physically and verbally abusive?

sparklingeyes

Because my father told me where we would meet

painfully

I relate to so many things on that list... emotophobia struck me. I've never heard that word before. I just know that I fear anger and angry people. Anyone other than my kids. I hear someone yell or see the anger in them and I feel a tingling from the top of the head that washes over me to the tips of my toes. I feel like I'm going to pee my pants.

It's a horrible feeling and allows me to be easily controlled by anger.

SuzyMarie

L2L, there are such distinct similarities between our ex's, it is scary. I could be writing your words. We will make it through this!

Learn2Live

I've seen so many folks here on SR post the same exact thing. It is very creepy how much these alcoholic and addicted people have in common, down to the very words that come out of their mouths. This is one reason I truly believe it is a disease; because the signs and symptoms are so very predictable.

Learn2Live

Well, Sparklingeyes, there is no time like the present to start pursuing these things OTHER THAN the alcoholic/addicted person in your life. Spending the rest of your life with a particular person is not a realistic goal, IMO. We ALL must be alone at some point in our lives. The average life expectancy for a man in the US is about 76 years, whereas for women it is about 81. So there is 5 years there you can expect you'll have to be without someone. Accidents happen, disease happens, people are fragile and they come and go in our lives without warning.

A man does not complete you (and neither does a woman complete a man). Focusing on someone else and having that person in your life is just not a healthy way of thinking. If it is to be, it is up to me.

shawty80

wait, what? i'm sorry, i may have missed something...

sparklingeyes

My father told me where to go and it would be a blessing in disguise.

sparklingeyes

He will outlive me. I am much older than him. I understand what you mean about someone not completing someone else. It's not like that.

LifeRecovery

May I offer that my blessing in disguise with my relationship with an A was that I have started to discover me....and here I thought all along it had to be the relationship.

Has anyone read "The Monster at the End of This Book." with Grover (goodness dating myself as a child of the early eighties).

Grover is so scared because he learns that there is a monster at the end of the book, and he does not want you to turn the pages to get there. In the end HE is the monster at the end of the book....lovable, furry, Grover.

I love that book and it is one of my analogies for my recovery. As scary and hard as it is, if it brings me one step closer to me it will be a good thing.

sparklingeyes

I remember that book. Does that mean I'm a monster?