Lapse in sanity and self respect
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
Thanks all.
I went there last night - he said he wanted to talk. He told me they were just friends and he wasn't ready for anything because he was still confused about us and how much he loved me.
For the first time, I listened with a face of stone. I refused to believe him when he said there was nothing between them, because she was sending him text messages while I was there. The expression on his face when he got her messages was an expression I was familiar with and it made me realise that he was lying to me. The girl is only 19 years old! He sat there and had the nerve to tell me she was nice and that he'd been clear with her that he didn't want a relationship.
I told him I wasn't interested - that he lied to me. I said "what, so you invited me over for dinner and then got a better offer?" It was worse. She was meant to be coming over, and when she couldn't make it, he invited me. I got booted of the guest list when she changed her mind.
I told him that was a really s***** thing to do and it showed that he didn't care about me. He tried to say that he didn't want to have to sit there and argue with me which is what we always do - so instead he chose to spend time with her.
I haven't slept, eaten (without throwing up) since we broke up a month ago. I feel like my whole body is fighting me and at first I interpreted it as my heart saying I had to stay and fight for the man I love, for the relationship we had, for the life that we shared. Now, I realise it's just the constant stress and aguish of being pulled one way, then the next. Up and down like a yo-yo, being played by someone who is well versed in the art of manipulation.
I am so angry, so hurt and so betrayed and I wonder if this knot in my stomach and chest will ever go away. I know they say it takes time but I feel like a ghost without him. All these words, they're just words. My heart is so broken that it feels beyond repair and I feel like I cannot live without him. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way because I know he is not deserving of my love. What he did was so disrespectful so why do I still feel like I'm the one who pushed him to treat me the way he does. He just keeps saying over and over that I stopped living, that he wanted to have fun. He said that now when he goes out and drinks, people love him and he is the life of the party.
I felt like saying - YES, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOU! They don't have to wonder if you're lying, they don't have to wait by the phone for a phone call that might never come, they don't have to worry that their car will be impounded because he has run off with it.
I'm sorry but I'm so filled with anger right now and shame.. so much shame.. What is wrong with me that I keep going back for more? Am I really that masochistic and foolish?????
I went there last night - he said he wanted to talk. He told me they were just friends and he wasn't ready for anything because he was still confused about us and how much he loved me.
For the first time, I listened with a face of stone. I refused to believe him when he said there was nothing between them, because she was sending him text messages while I was there. The expression on his face when he got her messages was an expression I was familiar with and it made me realise that he was lying to me. The girl is only 19 years old! He sat there and had the nerve to tell me she was nice and that he'd been clear with her that he didn't want a relationship.
I told him I wasn't interested - that he lied to me. I said "what, so you invited me over for dinner and then got a better offer?" It was worse. She was meant to be coming over, and when she couldn't make it, he invited me. I got booted of the guest list when she changed her mind.
I told him that was a really s***** thing to do and it showed that he didn't care about me. He tried to say that he didn't want to have to sit there and argue with me which is what we always do - so instead he chose to spend time with her.
I haven't slept, eaten (without throwing up) since we broke up a month ago. I feel like my whole body is fighting me and at first I interpreted it as my heart saying I had to stay and fight for the man I love, for the relationship we had, for the life that we shared. Now, I realise it's just the constant stress and aguish of being pulled one way, then the next. Up and down like a yo-yo, being played by someone who is well versed in the art of manipulation.
I am so angry, so hurt and so betrayed and I wonder if this knot in my stomach and chest will ever go away. I know they say it takes time but I feel like a ghost without him. All these words, they're just words. My heart is so broken that it feels beyond repair and I feel like I cannot live without him. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way because I know he is not deserving of my love. What he did was so disrespectful so why do I still feel like I'm the one who pushed him to treat me the way he does. He just keeps saying over and over that I stopped living, that he wanted to have fun. He said that now when he goes out and drinks, people love him and he is the life of the party.
I felt like saying - YES, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOU! They don't have to wonder if you're lying, they don't have to wait by the phone for a phone call that might never come, they don't have to worry that their car will be impounded because he has run off with it.
I'm sorry but I'm so filled with anger right now and shame.. so much shame.. What is wrong with me that I keep going back for more? Am I really that masochistic and foolish?????
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
No, this is what happens to people who fall in love with alcoholics and addicts. I am very familiar with what you are going through and what I understand it to be, the way you explain it, is trauma. Do you get fearful and/or shake when you see him or talk to him? You may want to consult a therapist, who is trained to help with these kinds of situations. If you can't eat, please get some Ensure.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"My heart is so broken that it feels beyond repair and I feel like I cannot live without him."
You can and will...once you make your mind up to do so...until that happens, nothing will change.
You can and will...once you make your mind up to do so...until that happens, nothing will change.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Jaded, there is life after the horrors of an alcohol fueled relationship. Here's how I am living mine today: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-h-needed.html
Don't let this one particular messed up in the head kid get you down or define who you are.
Stand up, brush off the dust from your feet, and get the heck out of his life. Go start your own great life. It is waiting for you!
Don't let this one particular messed up in the head kid get you down or define who you are.
Stand up, brush off the dust from your feet, and get the heck out of his life. Go start your own great life. It is waiting for you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Time is a beautiful thing. You will get through this. Bad days, good days, bad minutes, good minutes. You deserve better, and if you believe this in your heart you will make the changes you need to make. Keep trusting your gut and take care of yourself.
I feel your pain and anguish of being unable to eat. I've had to put on my to do lists "Eat three meals today" on some days just so I wouldn't continue to wither away. I found drinking a lot of Naked fruit smoothies got me through some days when I was physically/emotionally ill from being separated from my AH. Reading a lot on this forum, speaking to a counselor, and attending al anon could help you.
I feel your pain and anguish of being unable to eat. I've had to put on my to do lists "Eat three meals today" on some days just so I wouldn't continue to wither away. I found drinking a lot of Naked fruit smoothies got me through some days when I was physically/emotionally ill from being separated from my AH. Reading a lot on this forum, speaking to a counselor, and attending al anon could help you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Jad3d 
Thanks all.
I went there last night - he said he wanted to talk. He told me they were just friends and he wasn't ready for anything because he was still confused about us and how much he loved me.
For the first time, I listened with a face of stone. I refused to believe him when he said there was nothing between them, because she was sending him text messages while I was there. The expression on his face when he got her messages was an expression I was familiar with and it made me realise that he was lying to me. The girl is only 19 years old! He sat there and had the nerve to tell me she was nice and that he'd been clear with her that he didn't want a relationship.
I told him I wasn't interested - that he lied to me. I said "what, so you invited me over for dinner and then got a better offer?" It was worse. She was meant to be coming over, and when she couldn't make it, he invited me. I got booted of the guest list when she changed her mind.
I told him that was a really s***** thing to do and it showed that he didn't care about me. He tried to say that he didn't want to have to sit there and argue with me which is what we always do - so instead he chose to spend time with her.
I haven't slept, eaten (without throwing up) since we broke up a month ago. I feel like my whole body is fighting me and at first I interpreted it as my heart saying I had to stay and fight for the man I love, for the relationship we had, for the life that we shared. Now, I realise it's just the constant stress and aguish of being pulled one way, then the next. Up and down like a yo-yo, being played by someone who is well versed in the art of manipulation.
I am so angry, so hurt and so betrayed and I wonder if this knot in my stomach and chest will ever go away. I know they say it takes time but I feel like a ghost without him. All these words, they're just words. My heart is so broken that it feels beyond repair and I feel like I cannot live without him. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way because I know he is not deserving of my love. What he did was so disrespectful so why do I still feel like I'm the one who pushed him to treat me the way he does. He just keeps saying over and over that I stopped living, that he wanted to have fun. He said that now when he goes out and drinks, people love him and he is the life of the party.
I felt like saying - YES, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOU! They don't have to wonder if you're lying, they don't have to wait by the phone for a phone call that might never come, they don't have to worry that their car will be impounded because he has run off with it.
I'm sorry but I'm so filled with anger right now and shame.. so much shame.. What is wrong with me that I keep going back for more? Am I really that masochistic and foolish?????
I went there last night - he said he wanted to talk. He told me they were just friends and he wasn't ready for anything because he was still confused about us and how much he loved me.
For the first time, I listened with a face of stone. I refused to believe him when he said there was nothing between them, because she was sending him text messages while I was there. The expression on his face when he got her messages was an expression I was familiar with and it made me realise that he was lying to me. The girl is only 19 years old! He sat there and had the nerve to tell me she was nice and that he'd been clear with her that he didn't want a relationship.
I told him I wasn't interested - that he lied to me. I said "what, so you invited me over for dinner and then got a better offer?" It was worse. She was meant to be coming over, and when she couldn't make it, he invited me. I got booted of the guest list when she changed her mind.
I told him that was a really s***** thing to do and it showed that he didn't care about me. He tried to say that he didn't want to have to sit there and argue with me which is what we always do - so instead he chose to spend time with her.
I haven't slept, eaten (without throwing up) since we broke up a month ago. I feel like my whole body is fighting me and at first I interpreted it as my heart saying I had to stay and fight for the man I love, for the relationship we had, for the life that we shared. Now, I realise it's just the constant stress and aguish of being pulled one way, then the next. Up and down like a yo-yo, being played by someone who is well versed in the art of manipulation.
I am so angry, so hurt and so betrayed and I wonder if this knot in my stomach and chest will ever go away. I know they say it takes time but I feel like a ghost without him. All these words, they're just words. My heart is so broken that it feels beyond repair and I feel like I cannot live without him. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way because I know he is not deserving of my love. What he did was so disrespectful so why do I still feel like I'm the one who pushed him to treat me the way he does. He just keeps saying over and over that I stopped living, that he wanted to have fun. He said that now when he goes out and drinks, people love him and he is the life of the party.
I felt like saying - YES, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOU! They don't have to wonder if you're lying, they don't have to wait by the phone for a phone call that might never come, they don't have to worry that their car will be impounded because he has run off with it.
I'm sorry but I'm so filled with anger right now and shame.. so much shame.. What is wrong with me that I keep going back for more? Am I really that masochistic and foolish?????
I want to hug you right now.....I am so sorry, I know this pain so well.
The pain goes away, the appetite comes back, the sadness fades, but there is ONLY ONE way it all goes away. NO CONTACT!
I know you want to believe he's good or will change. He won't! He's pretty cruel and pretty sick.
There is no words or books, or al anon group of therapist that will make this pain go away, only time and no contact. It's the best pain killer
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
Sorry but I want to kick his balls ... I'm so sick about those guys... Now I have doubts about my Abf have cheat on me...because they're liers ... They're don't have any fellings for us.... I'm so sorry about your pain... And so upset about this... 
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
I'm right where you are. I broke up with my now XABF last week after an ugly incident. I spent a long time -- probably too long -- hoping things would work and praying he'd seek help. I cringe when I think of how many bad nights, ridiculous fights, ruined days, etc. etc. I allowed myself to endure. But I guess I had to hit my bottom too, and believe me it hurts. Last night I literally was on the floor crying and really felt like my heart was truly breaking. Today there were a few more tears, but there were smiles too. I'm going to get through this and you are too. And we will be wiser and stronger for it! Hugs.
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