Lapse in sanity and self respect
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
Lapse in sanity and self respect
I caved. I was stupid. I listened to his words filled with hope and love and believed that if we loved each other enough we could work on our problems but still be in each others lives.
He told me he realized he had problems and that he would get help, but he told me I made him feel caged and it made him act the way he did. I admit I caged him.
We were intimate, we said our I love you's and told each other that we wouldn't see anyone else and see how things went.
Tonight I listened to my gut. I went to his house and he was in the middle of a date. The lights were dim, the music was playing and there was a girl. He lied at first, and I told him if there wasn't a girl there then I was going inside. That's when he admitted it. He told me they had met about a week ago (so we had slept together twice in the time since they had been dating!) he told me to go home.
I know I shouldnt have listened to him. I know I shouldn't have become caught up in the lies and the charm, but it was all so irresistible - the idea that we could be together again. I'm glad I went there tonight, I'm glad I listened to my gut. Because now I know that everytime he looked me in the face with those same expressions, that same "sincerity", I know he was lying.
I feel foolish but I'm not going to beat myself up for making the mistake. I feel used and hurt but won't let that define me. I will, however, never ignore my gut again. I've been right every single time.
Thanks for the opportunity to share, I'm a bit fragile right now but everyday is a new adventure.
Love to you all
He told me he realized he had problems and that he would get help, but he told me I made him feel caged and it made him act the way he did. I admit I caged him.
We were intimate, we said our I love you's and told each other that we wouldn't see anyone else and see how things went.
Tonight I listened to my gut. I went to his house and he was in the middle of a date. The lights were dim, the music was playing and there was a girl. He lied at first, and I told him if there wasn't a girl there then I was going inside. That's when he admitted it. He told me they had met about a week ago (so we had slept together twice in the time since they had been dating!) he told me to go home.
I know I shouldnt have listened to him. I know I shouldn't have become caught up in the lies and the charm, but it was all so irresistible - the idea that we could be together again. I'm glad I went there tonight, I'm glad I listened to my gut. Because now I know that everytime he looked me in the face with those same expressions, that same "sincerity", I know he was lying.
I feel foolish but I'm not going to beat myself up for making the mistake. I feel used and hurt but won't let that define me. I will, however, never ignore my gut again. I've been right every single time.
Thanks for the opportunity to share, I'm a bit fragile right now but everyday is a new adventure.
Love to you all
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Jad3d 
I feel foolish but I'm not going to beat myself up for making the mistake. I feel used and hurt but won't let that define me. I will, however, never ignore my gut again. I've been right every single time.
Gentle hugs for you today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
ouch! I know this feeling so well.
Don't beat yourself up over believing his lies, they are the best liars.
My ex's did this to me also, and with this last ex, I was finally wise enough to know better. Took me a few times to get it, so don't be so hard on yourself.
They tell you ONLY what you want to hear.
Sorry for your pain,
Don't beat yourself up over believing his lies, they are the best liars.
My ex's did this to me also, and with this last ex, I was finally wise enough to know better. Took me a few times to get it, so don't be so hard on yourself.
They tell you ONLY what you want to hear.
Sorry for your pain,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Just to add, the alcoholic I was with for 5 yrs, who I left 2 yrs ago, had me in AA couples groups and couples therapy and was telling our therapist I was "crazy for thinking he was cheating"
He had the therapist and myself convinced I was going nuts, I didn't listen to my gut and one day I did and went through his cell and found tons of pics and txt from his affair, so yeah, I ignore my gut for too long and some days, still do.
Our instinct is our primal basis survival mechanism. Animals use it daily to survive, we can learn a lot from them.
He had the therapist and myself convinced I was going nuts, I didn't listen to my gut and one day I did and went through his cell and found tons of pics and txt from his affair, so yeah, I ignore my gut for too long and some days, still do.
Our instinct is our primal basis survival mechanism. Animals use it daily to survive, we can learn a lot from them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
I'm so sorry for you Summerpeach, it's the hardest thing in the world to be right sometimes. I tend to not trust people in general but have a way of reading people to know if they're lying. I refused to believe he could be capable of treating me with such disrespect but I should have known better from our relationship.
Big hugs to you summerpeach. At the end of the day, we're much better off without them!
Big hugs to you summerpeach. At the end of the day, we're much better off without them!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Yes, much better off
I struggled with the same, not believing they could have treated me with such disregard and lack of respect, but what I came to realize is, they have no love or respect for themselves or have compassion as people, so my belief that they could have respect, was all about mirroring my own feelings and who I am onto them.
A snake is a snake and even if they snake slithers up to you to show love, at the end of the day, they still bite and inject venom.
We cannot expect a cat to bark, or an addict to have respect for anything.
I struggled with the same, not believing they could have treated me with such disregard and lack of respect, but what I came to realize is, they have no love or respect for themselves or have compassion as people, so my belief that they could have respect, was all about mirroring my own feelings and who I am onto them.
A snake is a snake and even if they snake slithers up to you to show love, at the end of the day, they still bite and inject venom.
We cannot expect a cat to bark, or an addict to have respect for anything.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jad3d I am sorry you went through that. I am sorry for your pain. But I know from having gone through that many years ago, it was necessary for you to know the truth. I know it hurts but at the same time it is liberating. It is good that you followed your instincts and did what you did. You reinvested your heart so that you could find out the truth and that is what relationships are all about. You know what I mean? Because what is the point in working on yourself and learning life's lessons if you don't actually get involved with life? You did good.
The truth shall set you free.
Big (((hugs))) from me.
The truth shall set you free.
Big (((hugs))) from me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
There are men out there who are honest, loyal, and true. They do not lie, they do not cheat. They take care of their loved ones. There are many good men to choose from who will treat us well. We just have to get well enough ourselves so that we can find them. And we're not going to find the good ones running around with all the crazy-making of an alcoholic or addict.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
i just wanted to add that sometimes at that moment with our GUT, we dont want to know...not that its denial...we, in our own heads, need to sort it out before we actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...
i knew...i waited ....i sorted it out in my head first...talked to my dear friend...but I KNEW what i had to do....I found the right time (when he was out of the city)...
I did it...and still til this day, do not regret one thing that happened...
we work things out in our own time and pace....
now YOU KNOW
i knew...i waited ....i sorted it out in my head first...talked to my dear friend...but I KNEW what i had to do....I found the right time (when he was out of the city)...
I did it...and still til this day, do not regret one thing that happened...
we work things out in our own time and pace....
now YOU KNOW
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
Thanks everyone. He messaged me incessantly last night telling me I needed to win him back and he was just seeing how things went either way. I realised I didn't want to be the "other" woman trying to win him back - I am THE ONLY WOMAN and one day I will find a deserving and loving man who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I told him a relationship is not about winning - it's not a competition, there's no prize. It's about two people committing and fighting and respecting each other.
It was just another egomaniacal moment from him, and quite frankly I feel sick just thinking about him.
A SNAKE! Is exactly the right analogy in this instance.
I am hurt he lied, but what can I expect from someone with no character, no moral fibre, no sense of right or wrong. I'm worth so much more than this. EVERYONE is worth so much more. NOONE deserves to be treated this way.
I'm finally finding the strength to move on.
It was just another egomaniacal moment from him, and quite frankly I feel sick just thinking about him.
A SNAKE! Is exactly the right analogy in this instance.
I am hurt he lied, but what can I expect from someone with no character, no moral fibre, no sense of right or wrong. I'm worth so much more than this. EVERYONE is worth so much more. NOONE deserves to be treated this way.
I'm finally finding the strength to move on.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I dated a guy just like him...and went back about twenty times. Gawd, please don't make the same mistakes I made. I am still kicking myself (15 years later) for being so gullible. It's a shame but you must KNOW this: there ARE definitely people who can look you right in the eye and tell you everything you want to hear, seem 110% sincere in everything they say, and you want it so badly to be true that you actually forget all the evidence to the contrary. It's just so hard to wrap your head around the fact that all he said was absolutely hollow and meaningless. It's just so unbelievable. But it happens....all.the.time. It sucks. Most of all, I'm sorry that it's happening to you. Take care of yourself for a good long while. (((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
These things can be so strange, but you could look at this event as a gift of sorts because it really showed you his true colors. Now you don't need to waste any time wondering if your relationship could be somehow salvaged: you know that it couldn't be.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Gosh, don't even let me count the times! I use to cry and was so ashamed of myself for believing him overhand over! I was ashamed that I was stupid enough to believe this time he would hold true to his promises and his so called love or me! I am ashamed that I allowed someone to treat me that way! But after 4 Years od loving, trying and praying...something strange happened over night! I don't give a damn! Now I was hooked on this guy and I care but could careless now! I stood up for myself for once in my life, It felt and feels great! I keep waiting tobfeel differently and i am still great! I dont care who he is with. Ni lov him but i realy think i am done. I hae some stange inter peace! Truthfully, it's his problem not mine! When I look back on this.....I can say I loved him unconditionally, I tried harder than ever, I prayed and i did all I could do! He on the other hand can live w what he lost which was a lot. He can live with using me, lying to me....I will never have to live with any of that crap! I thank God that each time I ran back took him back....that God stayed with me and looking back he protected me despite my strong desire to keep going back for more for almost 4.5 years He protected me with walls....had I married my EXABF ...life of hell.
I hope this peace I have remains....I think it will! Don't yourself up....you don't have to claim his behavior....he does! Hugs to you
I hope this peace I have remains....I think it will! Don't yourself up....you don't have to claim his behavior....he does! Hugs to you
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
There are men out there who are honest, loyal, and true. They do not lie, they do not cheat. They take care of their loved ones.
If you know it was a lapse and not standard operating procedure, you're doing okay. *Hugs*
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