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Treading the fine line between smart and codie, need some encouragement!



Treading the fine line between smart and codie, need some encouragement!

Old 06-29-2012, 01:21 PM
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Location: California
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Treading the fine line between smart and codie, need some encouragement!

My AH and I are in the process of doing the whole legal separation thing, which in CA is basically a divorce with division of marital assets. Since he's an A and we own a fairly lucrative corporation (that is a joint asset) and have a high net worth, there is a lot at stake for me financially. I am having to play detective and Very Smart Girl in this process so that I don't get screwed.

The smart girl part comes in the form of me secretly monitoring his email account so that I know better what is *really* happening with our business. Of course he doesn't know I have access. I was lucky and guessed his passcode and have been reading for the past two months. And I will need to keep reading during the coming months until everything is finally separated out and I can relax.

So help me stomach all this. Between the emails detailing our bookkeeper's offer to "tweak the books so SoaringSpirits won't freak out" (my attorney says this is a federal offense) and other troubling business stuff are emails where my sweet, charming AH portrays himself as a stunned, sad victim of a cold, calculating gold-digging wife who is going to "take me to the cleaners." The sympathy from what I thought were our mutual friends is nauseating. Of course, no one knows AH is an A because he is Mr High Functioning Alcoholic, Overall Great Guy, and Wonderful Human Being. This morning, I read advice from our longtime friend, telling AH what a good looking guy he is and how he should hang out in upscale wine bars so he can find himself a "wonderful woman who will appreciate what a smart, fun, great guy you are" along with detailed instructions on which expensive Italian shoes he should wear to attract a rich woman. And my AH responding with "yeah, it's time for a new woman. I am working out a lot so I'll look good for for a new gal."

Yuck. Whatever. I have been prepared for some time that he'd eventually find another warm body to move on to (thanks to reading here at SR!). I've been working on detachment, going to Al Anon, and for the most part seem to have my head on straight and the detachment well in place (finally!). 20 years and 4 kids together and his #1 concern seems to be finding a new lay. Amazing. What a jerk, and I'm so glad to be moving on from this shallow man.

How do I stay in my body and deal with reading this stuff? The emails about corporate shenanigans I can deal with, but mixed in with all that tends to be lots of personal comments from friends and colleagues. I really don't want to know, but I have to keep reading in order to keep my shirt on. Any input on dealing with this odd situation appreciated.

I hate alcoholics!
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Old 06-29-2012, 01:28 PM
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I have no ESH on this one other than to say, my sanity is worth more to me than anything. Whenever I have found out things that make me sick, nauseous, anxious, or depressed, I know it is time for me to stop finding these things out. Reading that exchange between your AH and his friend just makes my stomach turn.
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Old 06-29-2012, 01:53 PM
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Here's what I did. I'm not recommending it per se (comes back to bite you in the rear) but anyway:

I shut off emotionally.
I refused to deal with any emotion.
I focused on logistics. Practical things. Getting the divorce done.
My experience was that with recovery (mine) and divorce, all my relationships changed.
Some changed for the better, some changed for the worse.
I dealt with that as I dealt with everything else -- looked at is as a business decision and took emotion out of it. People who sided with AXH and were working actively to convince me to go back to him -- deleted off my phone and e-mail and facebook. Poof. Not because they were bad people, but because I was plenty busy with my own life and really had no energy for trying to convince OTHER people that my side of the story was the sane one.

I would say it's paid off. A couple of friends I lost in the divorce have contacted me and apologized for believing his stories. One has a restraining order against him. Most still think I'm the wicked witch of the West. They're free to. I know differently.

I would take note of what friends support him and badmouth you and remember. You don't have to raise a stink about it. You don't have to get emotional about it. Just know you can't trust them.

As for the business part -- by all means defer to your attorney. But I would have no qualms about letting the feds know he's cooking the books. None whatsoever.
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Old 06-29-2012, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i find conflict with the fact that you HACKED IN to his account...and are reading his emails, for whatever reason. how would it feel if you found out he was doing that? i'm not sure that's legal either? or that anything you find is valid "evidence"? to date have you found anything CONCRETE that is really making a whit of difference from the BUSINESS perspective?
Nope, not hacking when you own the corporation that owns the domain name and pays the rent on the server. Not illegal when AH is a corporate employee. It's the same thing as monitoring your employees' emails for offensive content. This is from my attorney.

My AH was also logging into my email. I found out when my 11 year old son slipped up and told me (nice, huh?). Fair is fair. Fortunately, I've kept sensitive things out of my email account so no damage done.

It makes a huge difference from a business perspective. As in about 2 million dollars difference of my own personal money that I stand to lose if I get sloppy. So it matters. It will be the difference between whether I can continue to stay home with my kids and go back to work.

It makes a difference when I find out that my AH altered documents and has taken out a line of credit against the corp, for which I am half liable.

Through this, I've learned that my husband is colluding with out out-of-state bookkeeper (who it turns out is ALSO an alcoholic!) to cook the books.

The attorney has looked at everything and says I have big reason to worry and to keep monitoring if I can. And the printed emails I have (legally) will make good leverage against AH and the bookkeeper (who is getting fired next week) if ever I need it.

I can detach and deal with the corporate crap. There is a ton at stake and if I am smart and keep my head, I'll come out OK. It's just seeing the other side of all this, the alcoholic playing sad victim, the friends gathering round to support him, the all-male war cry to "find a new woman" that's really tough.

Lillamy, thanks, that's good advice to just kind of shut off the emotion while I am getting through this. I guess I can have a good cry once the separation is over and my AH is trolling for unsuspecting women in wine bars, LOL. Tonight I was mowing and thinking about how funny it is that people think my AH is such a great guy and I am an evil witch who makes him cry. Like life is really ever that simple.
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Old 06-29-2012, 11:01 PM
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WOW.....yeah i would probably being doing the same thing! WOW is all I can say. As my grandmother always told me "Keep your Wits About you!" lol I remind myself of that often. By wits I mean I hope you can tune out the infuriating things that hurt emotionally, yet I can imagine how flooring that must be for you, knowing what mutual friends are saying and such! I hear ya. Stay strong and know when to turn away from the emails that don't pertain to the business.....soon I think it will get easier to ignore those.....
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Old 06-30-2012, 07:17 AM
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i am not against going into a business partners account for this reason;
my colleague and i were unfairly ousted from our S corp by a different partner. there were six partners. he cited all kinds of reasons. we fought it and received our shares, plus an unfair termination settlement.
in the wake of what happened we came to learn that the financial mgr and partner in question had used 80,000( you read that right) of our corp money to pay off a debt he had incurred.
turns out, the business accountant had also been stealing money. he kept it all secret to cover his own scam. it was all eventually documented by a "email paper trail"
the fact that we were already contracted out left us w no recourse.
the reason he wanted us out? we asked questions.
i SHOULD have been monitoring those emails when he started his power play. we would have known everything. and they counted on my not doing that, which would have been legal, as i was an officer/ partner.
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Old 06-30-2012, 07:23 AM
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as far as the mutual "friends"?

aside from the guy that is preening him for bachelorhood, i found most of our friends play both sides. to me they are all about what a cad he can be, to him, i am being unfair. when it comes down to brass tacks, it doesnt matter. they didnt have to live with his crap. i used to press, and they would eventually concede that he was a mess but they liked him anyway.

now? i dont press.
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Old 06-30-2012, 09:17 AM
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Good girl playing detective that is something I do in my personal life so I think that is great. You need to look out for you no one else will. Sorry about him being a cold jerk and dealing with his need for a woman I know you dont care but seeing him flaunt it not easy. Stay strong and postitive hopefully karma will get him what goes around comes around.
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Old 06-30-2012, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
Nope, not hacking when you own the corporation that owns the domain name and pays the rent on the server. Not illegal when AH is a corporate employee. It's the same thing as monitoring your employees' emails for offensive content. This is from my attorney.
This is a real gray area here. And sometimes not admissible in court. Google this situation, verify what your attorney tells you (they are only people, and sometimes misinformed people too)

My stbx hacked into my email account (albeit personal) and used anything and everything against me. That, in fact, is illegal and considered stalking. Plus, it only made him look even worse in my eyes (and the eyes of everyone here when I outed him for stalking me here too)

No judgement here, SS, but is this being "smart" or playing dirty? Isn't it your attorney's job to uncover the financial aspects of the business?

My husband said he was being "smart" and protecting himself, too.
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