CatsPajamas

I read this (again) today and have been thinking about it a LOT:

'When things are going bad, you don't have to go too!"

Another thing that comes to mind is something my angel Al Anon sponsor used to tell me:

"Red flags are NOT to be collected as party favors!"

I love the wisdom from our recovery and from our site, don't you?

TakingCharge999

I love it how some people think things run on THEIR schedule.

NO.

PS I have been NC with my XABF, been 3 years for now, he has not "come back". And I no longer see that as reflection of my value. Whew! Why go down that road again? its a loss of energy and time..........

TakingCharge999

I love it how some people think things run on THEIR schedule.

NO.

PS I have been NC with my XABF, been 3 years for now, he has not "come back". And I no longer see that as reflection of my value. Whew! Why go down that road again? its a loss of energy and time..........

mmk11

My apologies, runningforlife, I addressed my #20 post to the wrong person! I can only use my phone to access this site, I lost track of who's who.

Hope you are well.

wicked

When I see this phrase, I think of a Stephen King horror story, I think it was a short story.

Well, the "they" that always comes back are zombies!
Yes, reanimated dead people! That's pretty frikkin' scary to me!
You can come back to life by a real recovery program, the ones with "tricks" in them to keep you drinking will keep you dead.

There is no short cut, just those who completely follow the path they have chosen.

analogies, just love 'em.

runningforlife

Wow, what great EH&S here. Thank you.

mmk11 - no worries, and thank you for your reply.

So, at the risk of providing TMI...and even more evidence of how self-centered he is...

I went in for my annual exam several weeks ago and my results came back abnormal. They also found the cause of the abnormal cells is due to HPV. Great. So, I've always been a very responsible person in that regard and have never had an STD before in my life; nor have I ever had an abnormal pap. While I've moved on in life, from my qualifier, I have not wanted to engage in another relationship with anyone and haven't "been" with anyone since my qualifier, and I haven't been with him in almost a year now. We were together for 2 years and I never had HPV show up before so deduction tells me that my qualifier is/was a carrier and gave this pleasant little virus to me.

Since we've started talking in the last week or so, I've told him about my test results and that he either had or still has this virus. I told him what the doctor told me about the virus, how it is important to be really healthy and take care so as to kick the virus to the curb sooner rather than later, how the virus is generally in the system for 18-24 mos., how it's generally asymptomatic, blah, blah, blah. We mostly talked about the biopsy that they had me schedule because I cannot tolerate medical procedures of any kind! Yes, I'm certain that living with my qualifier is worse than a short procedure, but I've been nervous as all heck. Seriously, people, I totally freak! He seemed to be supportive, apologizing for having to go through this and reassuring me that I'll be okay.

So the day of my biopsy came (yesterday), and I've really pulled back from communicating with him after posting on here the other day (and coming to my senses). He tried to instigate a fight via text, making this about him and how I'm being rude to him for not texting as much. I merely replied that my priority is to take care of myself and that I need to talk with him after this is over with. My plan was to tell him that communicating with him is not working for me because he's still drinking. Period. Anyway, his last text was anger-filled, because I'm not paying enough attention to him. He knew my test was yesterday and I haven't heard a peep from him. Which is totally fine! Great, actually! But it just shows how he really only cares about himself. And I don't need that in anyway. Unfortunately, I had to stop the procedure half way through and now I need to go back and try for it again. I can't help but wonder, had I not depleted myself by talking to my qualifier over the last 10 days, if I would have been strong enough to just go through with the procedure. My spirit has felt compromised from him, and while I would have been scared regardless, I feel like I was just too mentally weak to handle my anxiety yesterday with this test. (Sigh). Sorry if that was all TMI.

Just another toxic element of my A. He has made me mentally and emotionally ill, and now may have made me (but praying not!) physically ill. Bad news for me all around.

outonalimb

hey running...

My A never really goes away either. Of course, I have a child with him so I'll be dealing with him the rest of my life. It takes alot of vigilance to keep the boundaries where they need to be as he is constantly crashing up against them...always under the guise of having contact with our son. It is so tiring. I've noticed that I have what I call an "exah hangover" for several days after dealing with him. It just knocks me off my game and it have to fight really hard to stay centered...to reclaim my peace...I totally understand what you're saying about how he sapped your energy. I think its so true.

I'm sorry to hear about the HPV thing...I found out after separating from my exah that he had been unfaithful to me during our marriage on top of all the other crap his alcoholism brought down upon us. The fact that he was unfaithful hurt more than all the lies, manipulations, and other crap put together. I think its common. I had myself tested. Only by the grace of God did I not test positive for HPV or some other god awful virus. This is just one more reason why we need to take good care of ourselves and distance ourselves from the alcoholic.

Be strong.
Take care of YOU!!!

Mary

runningforlife

outonalimb,

I absolutely get the hangover thing. The times he tried to reach out to me in the last 5-6 months always seemed to just knock me off my perch, just a little bit, even though I wasn't returning his texts at that time. I would feel just a little out of sorts for a day or two. That's exactly what it's like, limb.

posiesperson

Yup, they keep coming back.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. So I've opted to change myself! No matter how many times my exA tries to make contact I keep right on walking my own path, one foot in front of the other. There is no confusion on my part about contact--we have nothing to talk about. NOTHING. I have let it go, though I still learn from the relationship by my inner reflection on different scenarios from it. For that, I'm grateful.

Keep coming back,
posie

Argnotthisagain

Great thread! Thank you for posting, running. YOur self awareness and happy recovery is a great example for me.
Tons of ES&H for me here.

TC, this quote struck me. Thinking their feelings for us are a reflection of our value. I can relate to this very much--really shows me clearly how I need to focus on making my own value. I can really pull myself into a black hole of misery by thinking that his abandonment has any bearing on my worth, or that it's some indication that no-one will ever love me.....

I can make myself feel sad and panicky and hopelessly abandoned forever by thinking of what was good, and that it's gone. OR, worse, by thinking of MY FANTASIES of who he is........

Or, I can keep remembering the scary, awful rages; the being alone all the time because he's hiding in the basement or barn or garage, drinking. The lack of intellectual depth, the alcohol smell seeping out of him, the inappropriate outbursts and reactions to normal things I said.........plenty of things that did NOT work.....

NYCDoglvr

No contact, no email, no telephone conversations. You've done incredible work on yourself, have achieved a great deal. As an recovering alcoholic I can't have "just one" because I will relapse. It's the same thing.

So have you asked yourself why you're having conversations with him? Is he worth sacrificing your recovery? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."