PHIZ007

Hi everyone.
I have been on this forum a few years and most recently am a reader rather than a poster!
For those that don't know my story I will do a quick summary for you. I am married to my A H coming up for 11 years now, three children ages 11, 7 and 5. I am from the UK but spent 12 years in Australia with My AH.....moving back to the UK with AH to be nearer my family last year. The move was prompted by family illness (so I wanted to be close to my family) and also my husbands alcoholism.....I felt I needed to be near my family for myself and my children. The move went well and the children settled well. For us it took a bit longer as work was hard to find etc etc but I am much happier near my family and friends and the kids have settled well and are enjoying life.

HOWEVER.....you knew it was coming didn't you? lol! :0) ......jokes aside My AH continues to drink nightly.....two bottles of wine....and I am so over it all. I am concerned for what this is teaching our beautiful children and the effect it has on our marriage and I really have had enough. When A H stays away because of work commitments the house is peaceful....my 11 year old said to me the other night how calm it is when Dad is away!......that broke my heart :0( - although he doesn't fully understand HE TOTALLY GETS IT! When AH is away there is no late night cooking, (stinking the house out!) no waking me up which he does practically every single night - no back door banging when he goes out for cigerettes or locks up for the night......no waking me up to talk about crap at 11pm, no TV booming because he decides to watch a movie at midnight....no lights left on, no dishes to clean up the next morning...OMG the list goes on and on and on!!! It is blissful when he is away and I almost dread hearing his key in the door (which will be happening later this afternoon). This disease is selfish and cruel and he has no intention of anything getting in the way of his drinking! When he gets in from work aslong as it around 6.30 he thinks it is perfectly acceptable to start on the wine!......365 days a year. He hasn't eaten dinner with me in years (he stays downstairs till late to avoid all contact with me....the sad thing now is I prefer it as I can't be bothered trying to have a conversation with someone so drunk by 9pm)....I guess you all get the picture....no doubt many of you know from first hand experience!

Well my questions today is how do I actually leave.....or how do I get him to leave??......several years ago we went to a physocologist (well He did and then eventually I was asked to join in - and it was great! I felt so good after it even though it was hard sometimes) The physcologist told me back then that unless I up and leave he didn't think AH would stop or try to stop drinking - so here we are several years on in the same place. Although not really in the same place as I feel I am doing ok with my recovery. I read alot, learn heaps from here and onwards I stride - I am not in Al anon but have learnt an awful lot along the way. I am comfortable where I am at....for now anyway but I hate the way we live as a "Family"....I want my husband to share good times (and bad) with me, whereas I am so alone in this marriage as he is married to the bottle.

I also know I am far from perfect - but I don't want to live in this chaos anymore. I adore our children and I absolutely want the best for them....so experiences please?? how do I actually up and leave - what worked for you?.......do I have the courage to actually do it (some days I do....others I am not sure)......I love my AH but the three c's come into place and I know he can only look after himself and I can only look after myself.
and my three beautiful children......insights please....thank you for reading :0)
All the best Phiz :0)

laurie6781

WELCOME BACK!!!! However, I am sorry for what brought you back.

Out of the mouth of babes. I think your 11 year old has given you your answer.
Now you just need to do some calling around to find out the laws in the UK, and
whether you can get him out of the house, or you are going to have to uproot
you and the children to new housing.

I understand you are torn, but please take care of your children. If you have any
doubts how this is affecting them and will carry into adulthood, pop over to our
Adult Children Of Forum and read some there:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You will get a good idea of how growing up with an alcoholic in the house has
affected them ALL their lives.

I am not saying 'divorce' but right now it is obvious you would be better off for
the children's sake to be separated. What happens down the line, if and when
he finds recovery or not, is anybody guess.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very
much.

Again, WELCOME BACK.

Love and hugs,

PHIZ007

You know what?? I have also realised today after posting this thats its almost as if I need someone else to actually say to me "You know what Phiz...it IS OK to leave".....ridiculous really because if I treated him the way he treats me I wouldn't expect him to put up with it atall!! Who would?!

Another bit of madness in the situation I guess....and I am opting out!! I am not quite sure how yet but I feel the wheels are in motion....they have been for a long while and its time to take that next step.

Thank you for reading and posting guys - as always you keep me sane! Phiz

Still Waters

Just think, if he's out of the picture your life will always be that calm your little boy enjoys.

I left my AH in 2008. I still find myself occasionally overwhelmed with a sense of gratefulness - that I'm away from the madness, that I have peace and quiet in my life, that I can keep a clean home now, etc. - leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself or my child.

Freedom is a beautiful thing Phiz.

Hopeworks

the psychologist was right all along but you were not ready to take this step until now... and that is OK.

Yes... it is OK to leave and as an advocate for children of alcoholics who have no voice I will speak for your kids who do not understand what is going on.

What you need to know is that you and your husband are hard wiring your kids on what "normal" relationships "feel" like. Your husband's actions, his behaviors will be what your daughters will be drawn to...yes the alcoholic, addictive personality will be the man they fall for... you know the butterflies in the stomach, I love him so much it hurts feelings!!!! They will get enormous doses of adrenaline, endorphines and those pesky hormones for that college kid who is just "blowing off steam" and drinking hard at college.

He may well be an alcoholic and your kids will have alcoholic radar... because that is what they know. That is what they learned.

I am ACOA. Adult child of an alcoholic. Card carrying, scarred beyond belief. My mom didn't protect me. My dad abused us. He was mean, he was crazy and at times he was evil personified. He never told me he loved me. He never once acted like I mattered. He told me that I was a miserable split tail and girls didn't need to go to college. He told me I would never amount to anything. He told all us girls that...all 5 of us. He abused his only son who became an alcoholic. Us girls just married alcoholics. Drug addicts. One husband overdosed on heroin. The rest lived to torture us wives with their addictive abusive selves.

Even if your husband is not abusive he is not present if he is alcoholic. He is not being the role model you want for your kids. You want to send a message that unacceptable behavior is unacceptible! period. You want to show your kids what NORMAL should look like!

All because our sober parent didn't get us out of the nightmare of an alcoholic abusive home.

My father used to shoot guns at us. literally. I was so traumatized that I no longer have any fear response. None. I once was in an airboat that sank while we were out hunting alligators. I had killed a 13.5 foot gator, and 3 ten foot plus gators and they were in the airboat when we sank. We were in the middle of the lake with a mile to shore surrounded by gators and the two men that were in boat refused to jump in and swim for help.

I jumped in and swam through the alligators and poisonous mocassin snakes that are here in Florida.

I didn't understand it at the time but I did that because I have a really screwed up brain. That was really stupid and I did live to tell about it but don't let your kids grow up to be alcoholics or marry them. Get them into counseling NOW. Get out now! However you can!

Please...please... get them counseling so they learn that red flags in future relationships are NOT PARTY FAVORS!!!!

Stop the cycle of alcholic family dysfunction one child at a time. Good luck and you are in my prayers.

Thumper

My life with my xah was very very much the same, only he drank beer instead of wine and at the end of our relationship, things were starting to progress.

Like you, it came to a point where I absolutely knew I needed a separation. So we had the discussion. He didn't want to leave. I wasn't changing my mind about the need for a separation. He just wasn't accepting that and refused to leave. In my case we owned a house and the loan was in my name only. I could not afford to make the house payment plus find a different place for my four kids and I to live so he had to be the one to leave. I knew with 100% certainty that he would not participate in anything financially and I didn't want my credit tanked. That made utterly no sense.

So I went to talk to a lawyer. The only way to make him leave was file for a divorce and ask the judge for temporary use of the marital home and custody. So I did that. The final arrangements for the house and custody would be decided in court but it was almost certain that I would get temporary rights. He'd have to leave, willingly or by police escort.

My story took a few turns after that but I wish I'd have just followed that plan of action through to the finish without the turns. It was awful and my kids and I would have been thousands of times better off without the turns.

laurie6781

If that is what you need, then

YOU KNOW WHAT PHIZ....IT IS OK TO LEAVE.

I along with Hope Works have now given you validation, and I suspect
as more foliks on here wake up and start reading and then posting that
you are going to get more validation than you thought was possible.

By continuing to move forward, you and your children are going to know
"Happy, Joyous, and Free" before too long.

I also agree with Hopeworks to get your children into counseling as soon
as possible, so that their role model's (dad) actions will not be the 'norm'
for your children when they reach adulthood.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and the children are doing
as we care very much.

Love and hugs,

SoaringSpirits

I could have written this part of your post. And I totally get the part about "being over it all." I was, too. Tired of him avoiding me, hiding out, staying up late, waking up at 3am and hearing the DVD menu playing over and over because he 'fell asleep' in front of the TV. Tired of him starting a movie at 12am, along with a fresh tumbler of wine. Tired of the messes. Tired of the dishes. Tired of the the pit in my stomach when I knew he was on his way home --- never quite knew if it would be the 'nice' husband or the grouchy one. Tired of knowing my kids walked on eggshells around him. Tired of feeling like a single mom.

As for me, I knew a couple of years ahead of separating that it was coming down the line. I started hoarding cash in a secret place. A year ago at Easter, I reached my bottom. He drank all day while I did the easter thing with our kids. The next day, I met him at lunchtime and told him "It's me or the booze --- you have a week to decide." Well, he stocked up on vodka that week, so I guess that was my answer. The following weekend, I quietly loaded up the kids and took them to my parents' house and dropped them off. Then I returned home and confronted him. I figured I'd be in for a real fight to get him to go, but to my great surprise, he was packing a bag. He left, and I sat there, stunned. And thus began our separation --- and instant peace in the house. Great heartache, yes, but the messes, the drunken rambling night stuff, the passing out on couch, all gone.

My kids were immediately more relaxed. They had become afraid of him.

I think you have to be prepared to do whatever it takes to separate when you get to the point where you are ready. Get finances in order and make a plan to leave so that if you can't get him to go, you have a way to get out. This is a good time to let your family know what is going on and that you may need their help.

Katiekate

Phiz, it's okay to leave

We will support you in anyway we can.

Katie xo