They really DO come back, don't they?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
They really DO come back, don't they?
It's been a while since I've been on this forum, mostly because I had reached a point in my life where my qualifier has been gone for almost a year, we've had little to no contact, and I have no other qualifiers or issues with alcohol. Essentially, my work in Al-Anon gave me a whole new, beautiful life -- all of my relationships with people in my life improved greatly, and the vision of what I want in my life became clear. For once in a long time, my mental energy was freed -- no longer was it being used on my ABF -- and could be used for my own gain, my own life, in my own way. And life has been fantastic. I've never been happier and I couldn't have come this far without the support and strength I found on this forum, so thank you all!
But I am being tested, because HE's "ready to talk" to me now, after cutting me off almost a year ago to focus on his recovery. Indeed, the last time I saw him was last July when he pulled away in the moving truck and headed back home to live with his parents, hundreds of miles away. He was SO sick and caused so much damage to his brain and body from drinking. We were going to do the long-distance thing until he decided a month later that we should "take a break" from the relationship so that he could devote his energy to his recovery. It was hard at first (SUPER hard, as I was just then starting to realize how co-dependent I had become in that situation). My recovery then started with a lot of hard work, therapy, Al-Anon, whatever I could get my hands on. And then slowly the pain started to lift and I started opening my eyes again to this beautiful world we live in.
I read on here a few times back in the fall how A's always come back! I have to say, at the time that was music to my ears! I read that and thought "I hope so! I really want my A back!" Of course, I didn't want the alcoholic back, but I was so stuck in this fantasy that my A would emerge from recovery and be my dream man. This perfect, healthy man. He was working so hard in recovery, right? So hard that he couldn't even talk to me. It was going to be worth the wait, I was certain.
By early to mid spring, I made the decision that I just couldn't risk losing my spirit again by allowing him back into my life should he ever try to come back. I will always love him but, personally, I just couldn't go through what I went through again or even take that chance. I had allowed the residue of that sick time living with him to work through my system and felt like I had totally moved on.
And wouldn't ya know...he starts to contact me again. First, it was through meaningless text messages that seeming had nothing to do with me and I would disregard them as though they were meant for someone else. Which led me to wonder if he was drinking again, because that isn't the easiest thing to do repeatedly. I never replied. Then the weird emails from him started appearing in my inbox. Emails that were so self-absorbed that they were not even worthy of a response. I knew even before he told me that he was drinking again. Despite feeling like I was in a really good, stable place in my life, I've found myself entertaining his texts and even several phone calls over the last couple of weeks.
He admitted he dumped his sponsor because he didn't like the idea of having to check in with someone and felt like he would disappoint him. He said something about having a new sponsor, who showed him this really cool new trick to keep his drinking under control so it won't be a problem anymore, and he wants a relationship with me now. Oh, and that he doesn't go to as many AA meetings anymore because he feels like he just doesn't fit in with the alcoholics.
It's not my problem anymore, except that I feel an old sickness creeping in on the fringes, waiting to seep into the strong foundation I've built for myself this past year. He still has a hold on me and I'm allowing him to push my buttons. My anxiety level has been through the roof the last 10 days, just because we've started "communicating." So, with that, I'm off to find myself all the great wisdom on these boards once again. Thank you, all, again!
But I am being tested, because HE's "ready to talk" to me now, after cutting me off almost a year ago to focus on his recovery. Indeed, the last time I saw him was last July when he pulled away in the moving truck and headed back home to live with his parents, hundreds of miles away. He was SO sick and caused so much damage to his brain and body from drinking. We were going to do the long-distance thing until he decided a month later that we should "take a break" from the relationship so that he could devote his energy to his recovery. It was hard at first (SUPER hard, as I was just then starting to realize how co-dependent I had become in that situation). My recovery then started with a lot of hard work, therapy, Al-Anon, whatever I could get my hands on. And then slowly the pain started to lift and I started opening my eyes again to this beautiful world we live in.
I read on here a few times back in the fall how A's always come back! I have to say, at the time that was music to my ears! I read that and thought "I hope so! I really want my A back!" Of course, I didn't want the alcoholic back, but I was so stuck in this fantasy that my A would emerge from recovery and be my dream man. This perfect, healthy man. He was working so hard in recovery, right? So hard that he couldn't even talk to me. It was going to be worth the wait, I was certain.
By early to mid spring, I made the decision that I just couldn't risk losing my spirit again by allowing him back into my life should he ever try to come back. I will always love him but, personally, I just couldn't go through what I went through again or even take that chance. I had allowed the residue of that sick time living with him to work through my system and felt like I had totally moved on.
And wouldn't ya know...he starts to contact me again. First, it was through meaningless text messages that seeming had nothing to do with me and I would disregard them as though they were meant for someone else. Which led me to wonder if he was drinking again, because that isn't the easiest thing to do repeatedly. I never replied. Then the weird emails from him started appearing in my inbox. Emails that were so self-absorbed that they were not even worthy of a response. I knew even before he told me that he was drinking again. Despite feeling like I was in a really good, stable place in my life, I've found myself entertaining his texts and even several phone calls over the last couple of weeks.
He admitted he dumped his sponsor because he didn't like the idea of having to check in with someone and felt like he would disappoint him. He said something about having a new sponsor, who showed him this really cool new trick to keep his drinking under control so it won't be a problem anymore, and he wants a relationship with me now. Oh, and that he doesn't go to as many AA meetings anymore because he feels like he just doesn't fit in with the alcoholics.
It's not my problem anymore, except that I feel an old sickness creeping in on the fringes, waiting to seep into the strong foundation I've built for myself this past year. He still has a hold on me and I'm allowing him to push my buttons. My anxiety level has been through the roof the last 10 days, just because we've started "communicating." So, with that, I'm off to find myself all the great wisdom on these boards once again. Thank you, all, again!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
"I've moved on, please leave me alone."
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Over and over and over.
That's all I got.
I told my XAH that "If you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple of years *5*, then we'll talk." It's been a couple, but not 5. No word. Thank God.
Good luck.
Stay NC other than the same solid message: No.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Over and over and over.
That's all I got.
I told my XAH that "If you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple of years *5*, then we'll talk." It's been a couple, but not 5. No word. Thank God.
Good luck.
Stay NC other than the same solid message: No.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by runningforlife 
He admitted he dumped his sponsor because he didn't like the idea of having to check in with someone and felt like he would disappoint him. He said something about having a new sponsor, who showed him this really cool new trick to keep his drinking under control so it won't be a problem anymore, and he wants a relationship with me now. Oh, and that he doesn't go to as many AA meetings anymore because he feels like he just doesn't fit in with the alcoholics.
It's not my problem anymore, except that I feel an old sickness creeping in on the fringes, waiting to seep into the strong foundation I've built for myself this past year.
It's not my problem anymore, except that I feel an old sickness creeping in on the fringes, waiting to seep into the strong foundation I've built for myself this past year.
And the second paragraph - that's you talking to you, sending you a message. Block his emails and texts. He's too toxic.
You sound so happy at first in your post. Way to go! Keep that up!
~T
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by runningforlife
He admitted he dumped his sponsor because he didn't like the idea of having to check in with someone and felt like he would disappoint him. He said something about having a new sponsor, who showed him this really cool new trick to keep his drinking under control so it won't be a problem anymore, and he wants a relationship with me now. Oh, and that he doesn't go to as many AA meetings anymore because he feels like he just doesn't fit in with the alcoholics.
Really? LMAO!And, this is what I would say to him.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Ew. My stomach feels sick for you. Yes, they always come back, unfortunately. It's amazing how strongly they can affect us. To me that's a sign I need to block the person from contacting me further.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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In "Getting Them Sober," Toby Rice Drews terms this "alcoholic radar." He's been gone a while, maybe even years, and the codependent is finally, finally, she thinks, over him, and THEN that's when he shows up again. Alcoholic radar.
Some alcoholics come back because they have found their humility and their dignity again and they have ceased to blame others for the destruction they themselves created and they are ready to do what it takes to make things right with the people they hurt.
It sure doesn't sound like that is this guy. This guy just sounds drunk.
Some alcoholics come back because they have found their humility and their dignity again and they have ceased to blame others for the destruction they themselves created and they are ready to do what it takes to make things right with the people they hurt.
It sure doesn't sound like that is this guy. This guy just sounds drunk.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
LOL! JUST like getting back on the Titanic, yes! That is brilliant. Thank you for the laugh.
Anvil...I've been asking myself that question since I've started interacting with him again. What am I getting out of this? I admit at first, I was still struck by that fantasy...that perhaps he might be a healed person. I was trying to feel him out I suppose. It's hard because he's not a bad person; he's just a sick person. And there are things that I can't help but love about him and that's what I think has fueled this for as long as I've continued engaging him. I've always had a problem with seeing the big picture when it comes to him. He's shown me in the last 10 days how sick he really is and it disgusts me how narcissistic he is. And it saddens me that he has not taken this opportunity to put the hard work in.
As far as the second part of your question....nothing! I'm guilty at inviting him back into my life by attempting to communicate with him simply because I either (1) wanted to see what he's done with himself over this past year, and/or (2) confirm that he is in fact still a very sick person and has nothing to offer me. In fact, me spending the time I have texting and talking to him on the phone has kept me from all the truly fulfilling, serene things I have chosen to fill my life with.
This has proven to me how much better off I am without him in my life. Definitely time to cut the ties and get back to the good stuff.
Thank you for the feedback!
Anvil...I've been asking myself that question since I've started interacting with him again. What am I getting out of this? I admit at first, I was still struck by that fantasy...that perhaps he might be a healed person. I was trying to feel him out I suppose. It's hard because he's not a bad person; he's just a sick person. And there are things that I can't help but love about him and that's what I think has fueled this for as long as I've continued engaging him. I've always had a problem with seeing the big picture when it comes to him. He's shown me in the last 10 days how sick he really is and it disgusts me how narcissistic he is. And it saddens me that he has not taken this opportunity to put the hard work in.
As far as the second part of your question....nothing! I'm guilty at inviting him back into my life by attempting to communicate with him simply because I either (1) wanted to see what he's done with himself over this past year, and/or (2) confirm that he is in fact still a very sick person and has nothing to offer me. In fact, me spending the time I have texting and talking to him on the phone has kept me from all the truly fulfilling, serene things I have chosen to fill my life with.
This has proven to me how much better off I am without him in my life. Definitely time to cut the ties and get back to the good stuff.
Thank you for the feedback!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
English - he certainly does sound drunk. The first of the few conversations we've had was about our respective recoveries and we each said how much we've both changed. But he went right into how I was so reactionary and over-reacted to everything when we were together. That's what led him to drink. I was just unbearable to live with apparently. Nevermind the fact that he was within months of death and was creating destruction and chaos in our TINY little apartment and my life. Nevermind that he gave me a lot to HAVE to react to! Oh, but he has "forgiven" me though. Isn't that sweet?!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 57
Yes they do come back. My xabf just recently resurfaced with a phone call after more than a year of NC. It sent my emotions right back to where there were right before I went NC with him. After just a handful of texts and only one phone call, my anxiety level hit the roof. I spent days in the fetal position crying. However, in my case, he only reconnected with me just so he could reject me this time. I believe he wanted to retaliate and gain control since I was the one who went NC with him last year. Sent me right back into therapy, but I am doing much better now. This taught me a valuable lesson that I still need to work on me, so the next time he resurfaces I will be strong enough to not fall for his manipulation.
Please be careful and listen to his actions and not just listen to his words. His actions will tell you everything you need to know.
Please be careful and listen to his actions and not just listen to his words. His actions will tell you everything you need to know.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Ya know what they say....don't learn the tricks of the trade; LEARN THE TRADE.
Don't engage with him. I'm (re)learning that it is really easy to let the crazymaking the alkies/users have swirling around them creep back in through inattention, laziness or just plain fatigue. Just like an alcoholics first drink starts them back on the path to craziness, one returned phone call, text or conversation can do the same to us.
Please stay strong and keep posting. I need to hear stories about how people are resisting the temptation to engage today.
Don't engage with him. I'm (re)learning that it is really easy to let the crazymaking the alkies/users have swirling around them creep back in through inattention, laziness or just plain fatigue. Just like an alcoholics first drink starts them back on the path to craziness, one returned phone call, text or conversation can do the same to us.
Please stay strong and keep posting. I need to hear stories about how people are resisting the temptation to engage today.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I'm picturing this happening to me, and to most of us in your situation, as I'm sure it often does. I'm hearing about your new life and the happiness and peace you've had lately. It takes a WHILE to get there I'd imagine. It's awful to be in the "throes" of that anxiety. Mine has been intense for the last month apart from my AH. But I'm finding little joys slowly. I'm excited about rekindling the friendships with loved ones I've neglected (if they'll have me) and getting myself back, life without the hand-wringing, heart-wrenching anxiety I've become so used to. Keep going, don't go back. It's a sickness we have. I still love my husband and I wish SO hard every day that he'll start taking care of himself. But we can't sacrifice our peace for them. It sucks, but try to keep this new life in the forefront of your mind. That's what I'm doing, just about 100 times a day when I am tempted to call and make sure he's okay.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Stay strong English. You can do this. Don't allow him to derail all of the amazing progress you've made in the last year. You sound like you have such positive energy, and are healthy in mind and spirit. Is the anxiety worth talking to him?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
Don't engage with him. I'm (re)learning that it is really easy to let the crazymaking the alkies/users have swirling around them creep back in through inattention, laziness or just plain fatigue. Just like an alcoholics first drink starts them back on the path to craziness, one returned phone call, text or conversation can do the same to us.
Please stay strong and keep posting. I need to hear stories about how people are resisting the temptation to engage today.
Please stay strong and keep posting. I need to hear stories about how people are resisting the temptation to engage today.
My husband tried to manipulate me (pushing my "guilt button") by asking me if i take "some" responsibility for the fact that he moved out and wanted to separate. I simply said "no" each of the five times he asked. He was flabbergasted; I explained to him, however futile, that it was his decision and he needs to own it, and that I had never wanted to separate. Being separated has actually been therapy in and of itself- my anxiety over his up and down moods and interacting with him daily is mostly gone.
I'm not to the point yet where I can ignore his calls, but I try to be strong in other ways. Like not taking the bait for an argument, getting blamed, or criticized.
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