Giving up
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
My situation was the other way around as
I was the AW with normal spouse and kids.
After the kids grew and went off to college,
healthy, happy, normal, talented, loving,
Thank God, my husband and I with 20 yrs.
marriage decided to seek marriage counciling
to at least help us communicate and understand
each other.
I began AA recovery 7 yrs into the marriage
as I grew and changed in a different direction,
emotionally, spiritually with the help and support
of my recovery program. My spouse went to
alanon maybe a handful of times and that was
it. We then eventually began to move more apart
because of the lack of support, consideration
and understanding of each other as a married
couple.
The counciling didnt work, because the female
therapist was more supportive of my husband
than she was of me.
At 25 yrs marriage, we ended it and went on
our separate ways. I returned to my hometown
with a new job, apt. and faith in my HP for guidance
and support. Even after I moved back, more
changes happened in my recovery life where
I was blessed with a new spouse and home as
I continue on my recovery journey in life.
The divorce went very smoothy and my spouse
also remarried. My kids are grown, college degreed,
married, blessed with a little family, working and
own their own homes.
The most grateful blessing of all is that the Man
upstairs has helped each of us and has provided
us with what we need in life to be happy, healthy
and for me, sober 21 yrs.
I am a grateful Alcoholic in recovery.
I was the AW with normal spouse and kids.
After the kids grew and went off to college,
healthy, happy, normal, talented, loving,
Thank God, my husband and I with 20 yrs.
marriage decided to seek marriage counciling
to at least help us communicate and understand
each other.
I began AA recovery 7 yrs into the marriage
as I grew and changed in a different direction,
emotionally, spiritually with the help and support
of my recovery program. My spouse went to
alanon maybe a handful of times and that was
it. We then eventually began to move more apart
because of the lack of support, consideration
and understanding of each other as a married
couple.
The counciling didnt work, because the female
therapist was more supportive of my husband
than she was of me.
At 25 yrs marriage, we ended it and went on
our separate ways. I returned to my hometown
with a new job, apt. and faith in my HP for guidance
and support. Even after I moved back, more
changes happened in my recovery life where
I was blessed with a new spouse and home as
I continue on my recovery journey in life.
The divorce went very smoothy and my spouse
also remarried. My kids are grown, college degreed,
married, blessed with a little family, working and
own their own homes.
The most grateful blessing of all is that the Man
upstairs has helped each of us and has provided
us with what we need in life to be happy, healthy
and for me, sober 21 yrs.
I am a grateful Alcoholic in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by changeschoices 
Emmy, what your husband is saying to you is emotional abuse. He is trying to scare you into staying with him, trying to tell you that you are not attractive to nice guys and that you are only good for sexual exploitation by creeps. If this is how he views you, then that ain't love.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by changeschoices
Emmy, what your husband is saying to you is emotional abuse. He is trying to scare you into staying with him, trying to tell you that you are not attractive to nice guys and that you are only good for sexual exploitation by creeps. If this is how he views you, then that ain't love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I think the therapist favors him, too. Women tend to find him charming with his looks and English accent. But even hearing all of the things he's done, she said maybe we could work out a system where I leave the house with the kids when he wants to have a few drinks with his friends. That's insane to me. He said the other day that if he can get over his resentment toward me, he will sacrifice drinking if we move back in together. As if the gives me confidence in him. He still doesn't get that he has a problem.
I just want stability for the kids. He's not able to give us that.
I just want stability for the kids. He's not able to give us that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You leave and he drinks, lol, really, that is nuts.
The only one making sacrifices is you, good lord, it's a sacrifice to give up drinking as opposed to losing your life, your children, your family. Quack.
I was talking to my exabf a couple of weeks ago, he was getting down on me because i would not see him, trying to make me feel bad, I said I know baby, I'm an *******, he said why are you getting down on yourself like that, I burst out laughing, really?????? why would I get down on myself????
Can you get some time away, without him, maybe help to bring you some peace and clarity???
The only one making sacrifices is you, good lord, it's a sacrifice to give up drinking as opposed to losing your life, your children, your family. Quack.
I was talking to my exabf a couple of weeks ago, he was getting down on me because i would not see him, trying to make me feel bad, I said I know baby, I'm an *******, he said why are you getting down on yourself like that, I burst out laughing, really?????? why would I get down on myself????
Can you get some time away, without him, maybe help to bring you some peace and clarity???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Emmy
Just posted a whole reply to you and it disappeared.
I'll try to make it shorter this time.
I divorced when I was 25. I had a 4 year old daughter at that time. Oh yes, I had plenty of guys knocking at my door. Some were decent, many were not. I met my second husband, and he was everything I wanted, kind, gentle, caring, you know all that BS stuff. We married 3 years later, and he adopted my daughter since her father had abandoned her. Things went well for about 10 years, had 2 more children with him.
Well then, My Nice Guy, turned into Mr Hyde. He would say the same things to me that your H says to you. Things like the only reason a guy would even talk to you, is just to get into your pants, once he gets that he no longer has a reason to listen to your stupid mouth. Also told me that all of our friends (they were mutual friends) only put up with me because of him, and that they are too afraid of me, to tell me to shut up.
Well, I left him in 2008. My children were older than, all over 18. The people who helped me get away from him, was his best friend and his wife. They invited me to live with them for as long as I needed to, they held me when I cried, talked me thru the rough times, stood next to me during the divorce. Not one person in our group of friends stood by him.
I stayed with them for 2 1/2 years. Moved out, and bought my home. I moved to an area where I knew no one. The people here that are my friends are guys from the age of 30 - 80. I needed work done on my house, and we all became good friends, they now call me to go out to places with them and their wives. They want nothing from me but friendship. They actually do care about me. They hint around that maybe I should get back out there into the dating scene, because there would be one lucky and happy guy out there if I did.
Well anyway, moral of the story, my ex lied to me, and I believed everything he was saying. It's taking me a very long time to realize that people actually do like me for me, and not because of him, and not for whatever I can do for them.
So I also plan on staying out of the dating scene for awhile until this actually sinks in.
Then look out world ..............
Just posted a whole reply to you and it disappeared.
I'll try to make it shorter this time.
I divorced when I was 25. I had a 4 year old daughter at that time. Oh yes, I had plenty of guys knocking at my door. Some were decent, many were not. I met my second husband, and he was everything I wanted, kind, gentle, caring, you know all that BS stuff. We married 3 years later, and he adopted my daughter since her father had abandoned her. Things went well for about 10 years, had 2 more children with him.
Well then, My Nice Guy, turned into Mr Hyde. He would say the same things to me that your H says to you. Things like the only reason a guy would even talk to you, is just to get into your pants, once he gets that he no longer has a reason to listen to your stupid mouth. Also told me that all of our friends (they were mutual friends) only put up with me because of him, and that they are too afraid of me, to tell me to shut up.
Well, I left him in 2008. My children were older than, all over 18. The people who helped me get away from him, was his best friend and his wife. They invited me to live with them for as long as I needed to, they held me when I cried, talked me thru the rough times, stood next to me during the divorce. Not one person in our group of friends stood by him.
I stayed with them for 2 1/2 years. Moved out, and bought my home. I moved to an area where I knew no one. The people here that are my friends are guys from the age of 30 - 80. I needed work done on my house, and we all became good friends, they now call me to go out to places with them and their wives. They want nothing from me but friendship. They actually do care about me. They hint around that maybe I should get back out there into the dating scene, because there would be one lucky and happy guy out there if I did.
Well anyway, moral of the story, my ex lied to me, and I believed everything he was saying. It's taking me a very long time to realize that people actually do like me for me, and not because of him, and not for whatever I can do for them.
So I also plan on staying out of the dating scene for awhile until this actually sinks in.
Then look out world ..............
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by EmmyG
But even hearing all of the things he's done, she said maybe we could work out a system where I leave the house with the kids when he wants to have a few drinks with his friends.
I hope you keep posting Emmy G. Send me a PM if you ever want to shoot the breeze. You're doing great. You're just having a bad patch now after falling in with the wrong person. Once you extricate yourself from all this you're really going to soar.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Emmy, Just saw your last post. Exactly what is his resentment against you????????
Did he tell you??????
My ex resented me because he couldn't understand why he couldn't come home from work any time he wanted to, drunk, without even calling me, also he couldn't understand why he couldn't just disappear for a month or two, with no phone calls, and then just reappear, and expect me to be OK with everything.
He was resentful of the boundaries that I was trying to set.
It appears that your H will drop his resentments, if you drop your boundaries and just do everything his way.
Did he tell you??????
My ex resented me because he couldn't understand why he couldn't come home from work any time he wanted to, drunk, without even calling me, also he couldn't understand why he couldn't just disappear for a month or two, with no phone calls, and then just reappear, and expect me to be OK with everything.
He was resentful of the boundaries that I was trying to set.
It appears that your H will drop his resentments, if you drop your boundaries and just do everything his way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I lied to him once, early in our relationship, and said I hadn't gone to a bar for a friend's birthday when I had. He had been really insecure about me going there, he thought I liked someone there, so I didn't tell him because I knew he had nothing to worry about. I also lied a couple months ago when he asked if my sister and I had stopped for a drink after a movie. Again, I didn't tell him because I didn't want to give him a reason to drink himself. His other big resentment against me is that he thinks I control him because I panic when he goes out and when he's on a binge, I check his account sometimes. That's only because I want to know if he's drinking so I can make sure I'm not home. What a mess.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I understand completely. There were many times that I had lied to my ex. Truthfully I did feel bad about it, but I would not have lied, if I did not feel like I was walking on eggshells, and that anything at all that I did, or didn't do, would set him off, and give him an excuse to drink.
I also checked accounts, his wallet when he didn't take it with him when he went to take a shower, his cell phone when I had access to it. Why? I wanted to know if he was in a bar or a hotel when he disappeared for days to months at a time. He instead would pay for everything in cash.
Talk about panic about the binges, I developed PTSD because of this.
I was accused of trying to control him, which I guess maybe I was. I thought at that time that I was trying to set boundaries. I was always being told that I was not his mother, and that I cannot tell him what to do.
I think what you did, mostly all of us on here did it, at one time or another.
I also checked accounts, his wallet when he didn't take it with him when he went to take a shower, his cell phone when I had access to it. Why? I wanted to know if he was in a bar or a hotel when he disappeared for days to months at a time. He instead would pay for everything in cash.
Talk about panic about the binges, I developed PTSD because of this.
I was accused of trying to control him, which I guess maybe I was. I thought at that time that I was trying to set boundaries. I was always being told that I was not his mother, and that I cannot tell him what to do.
I think what you did, mostly all of us on here did it, at one time or another.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by EmmyG
I lied to him once, early in our relationship, and said I hadn't gone to a bar for a friend's birthday when I had. He had been really insecure about me going there, he thought I liked someone there, so I didn't tell him because I knew he had nothing to worry about. I also lied a couple months ago when he asked if my sister and I had stopped for a drink after a movie. Again, I didn't tell him because I didn't want to give him a reason to drink himself. His other big resentment against me is that he thinks I control him because I panic when he goes out and when he's on a binge, I check his account sometimes. That's only because I want to know if he's drinking so I can make sure I'm not home. What a mess.
You are not controlling him with your panic. He is trying to control you by claiming that someone else's actions can control him. We all know that we cannot control another person, period. He's just trying to mess with you. From now on, if you go out and have a drink you might want to be honest. What you do is what you do, what he does is what he does. He will make his choice to drink whether or not you drink so there's no reason to lie about it. Give him up to your Higher Power, let him go. Then you can focus on yourself and get into some good therapy for just you. Go to Al Anon, find a sponsor, find a trusted friend, and keep coming back here.
I'm in a similar situation and I'm not leaving my AH yet. But, I know that no matter what happens, I will be alright. And, so will you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
You were dating when you told him "I went to this one bar, oh no actually I went to another." That is not a "lie," that's called "having a private life."
He's not entitled to quiz you about your whereabouts. You don't owe him an apology for that.
He'd just find something else to bait you with if it weren't for that.
Quackity quack quack.
He's not entitled to quiz you about your whereabouts. You don't owe him an apology for that.
He'd just find something else to bait you with if it weren't for that.
Quackity quack quack.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
The therapist is incompetent and needs firing...
Therapist? BS. More like an ass-clown. What a crock of ****! Emmy, please consider being done with this so-called therapist. She isn't worth the paper her fake degree is printed on.
It sounds more like she's jonesing for a little English accent herself.
Malpractice is what she's practicing.
Take care,
Cyranoak
It sounds more like she's jonesing for a little English accent herself.
Malpractice is what she's practicing.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by EmmyG
I think the therapist favors him, too. Women tend to find him charming with his looks and English accent. But even hearing all of the things he's done, she said maybe we could work out a system where I leave the house with the kids when he wants to have a few drinks with his friends. That's insane to me. He said the other day that if he can get over his resentment toward me, he will sacrifice drinking if we move back in together. As if the gives me confidence in him. He still doesn't get that he has a problem.
I just want stability for the kids. He's not able to give us that.
I just want stability for the kids. He's not able to give us that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I'll just work hard and take care of the Kids, and that will be my life.
I read that and thought "That's "giving up!?" That's not giving up, that's life. You accomplish that and you're a freaking hero. If I were you, I'd frame it and hang it over my mirror so I could remember every morning what's really important.
I read that and thought "That's "giving up!?" That's not giving up, that's life. You accomplish that and you're a freaking hero. If I were you, I'd frame it and hang it over my mirror so I could remember every morning what's really important.
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