lillamy

Thank you for posting this.

I don't know if this makes any sense at all, but... I left my AXH two years ago. We had friends (he got them in the divorce) who still think I was wrong to leave him. Who think that marriage is for better for worse, in sickness and in health, and the little detail that he threatened to kill us all -- well, that was just the booze talking and when he checked into rehab, I should have danced in the streets and taken him back.

I have seen what you have seen in friends with alcoholism. Of the three active alcoholics I worked with who went to rehab 25 years ago, only one is still sober to this day with no relapses: The one who still attends AA once a week, come hell or high water. No matter where he is. No matter what country. No matter if he understands the language.

Your heart must be breaking. Not only because he has chosen to leave you. But also because the man you've lived with and loved so rapidly returned to where he was at long before you met him. Seeing someone make a disaster of their life is always heartbreaking. Seeing the man you love do it? Must be doubly difficult.

I'm glad you knew where to turn. Lots of big fat hugs.

Sanity2012

So tonight I went to my therapist and said...ok, its been 3 weeks, I should have gotten better by now...right? Being given permission to grieve, be mad and it being ok is such a present I cannot tell you. My whole life has always been...deal with it, stop crying....go on.
AH has disappeared from radar - work and family. I think I mentioned he took off wedding band as well. So, if someone else that feels "sorry for his situation, misunderstood, etc" falls for a man with a ring mark on his left hand....I feel sorry for them too. I dream of the day that he "gets it". And today, I actually thought if he did....would I get it as well?

Seren

Hi Sanity,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's mid-life crisis combined with relapse. I guess he gets 'style points' for such a spectacular flame-out?

*sigh* I really hate this disease.

Please, please, please take extra good care of yourself right now! Perhaps make sure your finances and sellable objects are secure, too?

Sending good thoughts and strength!

Buffalo66

I was lurking on a recovering A board once, trying to learn, and read a post from a man who said he had been sober over 20 years.
He said he had a "slip". Thats what he told himself. He said his slip lasted for two years. (he was being sarcastic)
He also mentioned that he was chair of his AA home group and had gone to meetings loaded and given advice to newcomers,sponsored several people, etc.

He regained hold of his sobriety. And told his story to his group.

The thread was about 'getting comfortable', and discussed when can an A relax and not be so vigilant about alcohol, and slipping.

His story amazed me. And he was very successful in demonstrating how denial can be strong, and how 20 years means nothing if you lose your gratitude.

onlythetruth

I don't know that a relapse after 26 years of sobriety or any other period of time can necessarily be ascribed to lack of involvement in a particular recovery support group, lack of gratitude, lack of a spiritual connection, etc.

To me it seems that the basis of successful recovery is the absolute and unwavering commitment NEVER to resume the behavior, ever, under any circumstances. Not when the times are tough. Not when things are great. NEVER.

Whether this is framed as a lifetime decision (which is how I've done it) or one to be renewed daily, the commitment has to be there. And some folks either never make that commitment, or having made it, they change their minds. Which is why, for me, the bedrock foundation of my recovery is always: I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind.

Not being an active member of a recovery group . . . not being grateful . . . not being happy . . . being too happy . . . none of these are "reasons". They are only excuses for going back on one's commitment.

Sanity2012

If those with this disease, can "fix" it by themselves I guess most of us would not be having these conversations. The same could be said for those that love people in the midst of the disease. If I could be what they wanted, needed or thought I should be I would know the powers of the universe. But that did not, does not, and will not work. 26 years to this disease is a water spot on life's timeline. I am trying to learn my own 12 steps of Al-Anon. But unfortunately I am not one to read the instruction manual, and you cannot go from point C to A and back to B successfully. Any pointers? (Acceptance and powerless are the hard parts).

queenteree

I am so sorry u are going thru this. My AH was sober for over 15 years and was a great guy, husband, father, friend...everyone loved him. He worked hard, we had money saved, planned for retirement, etc. After all the kids were grown n left the house, He relapsed about 8 years ago. I threatened, begged pleaded, for him to get help. He, too, would do a lot of what ur AH is doing. He lost his full time job due to his drunkeness, lost his license due to multiple DWIs. Needless to say, two years ago we separated. he lost everything. Three weeks ago he committed suicide n nobody found him for a week. This is alcoholism. It destroys the person, makes them lose everything, everyone and sometimes even their life.
Thank God I've been in therapy for years n alanon really helped me too. It was a long road for me to get the courage to change the things I can, but I did. I'm in a wonderful, healthy relationship now, and I know I will never again be involved with anyone with any addiction problems, even if they are in recovery. I can't and won't go thru that again.
Hang in there, go to alanon and therapy n pray to your HP....the answers will come.

laurie6781

(((((Sanity2012)))))

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Please know that we are walking with you in spirit at all times.

When you started this thread, I read it, but just had nothing to respond with. I am a recovering alcoholic. In 4 days I will celebrate 31 years.

When I got sober, there was a group of us that year, some within days of each other, some within months, that stayed sober and have kept in touch all these years. One of those dear friends would have been celebrating 31 years on Oct 18th of this year. I will call him Lee.

Lee, has been a city bus driver for Los Angeles for 30 years and was going to retire on August 31st, and start his retirement. For a while now he has had some health issues that they were trying to figure out what was going on with him.

I got a call from his oldest son today. Last Wednesday, he went in for a 'consult' with his Doctors, yes plural. They had all the results of all his tests. He was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease), which gives him 2 to 3 years max to live. Thursday he put in for his retirement, effective immediately. After work Thursday, he went to the Liquor store, and I guess from what his son says, bought 2 cases of 1.75 bottles of Rum.

He has been drunk since. Said "F" it. AA folks have been with him, talking with him, watching over him, but he flat out is resisting going to a meeting, says 'there is no point now,' and says 'I will now continue to drink, even if I have to have a straw in the bottle, until I die.'

My alcoholic side is saying, 'I understand, I wonder if I was given that death sentence if I might say "F" it also.' My codie side is saying 'what can I do to help him see this is not the answer?' I am very concerned about his sons, and his ex wife who is also a friend. They have remained friends all these years, and she herself has 27 years sobriety. She called me after her meeting tonight and she is very upset. I suggested that she go to some Alanon meetings and call my Alanon sponsor. She said she would call her after our phone call.

There are no guarantees ......................... I have seen many go back out, with lots of years of sobriety. There is no one answer as to why. No one knows what will set them off, he!! I don't know what would set me off.

What I want to do is go out there and 'shake' some sense into him. I was even on the Southwest Air site, looking at what flight times from here to Burbank, lol. What I will do is hit my favorite Alanon meeting tomorrow, and some others this week.

Once more I find myself praying to HP asking HP to watch over all of us still practicing, practicing again, and in recovery and that Thy Will be done not mine.

Love and hugs,

DefofLov

Wow. That is so sad. :-(

Such a horrible disease. And we are all here just trying to figure out how to cope with watching loved ones self destruct.

to you and your children. Such a horrible loss.

Love,

Lily