EmmyG

I'm sorry to post so much, this is just such a help during the hard time I'm going through.

In therapy, I'm kind of realizing that what everyone seems to say is true, that alcohol doesn't make someone an abuser. It seems in my situation that my husband has underlying resentments toward me and when he's drunk, they come out. It's not really about the alcohol as much as it is the feelings.
Whereas before, I had always thought it was just the alcohol making him that way.

I don't think that through therapy, we could resolve these issues and resentments, and then he could drink and not be nasty toward me. I really feel that it's the alcohol.

It's all very confusing but at the end of the day, he's got a problem with drinking too much when he drinks, and even if he stopped being a jerk to me, he'd still be wreck less and irresponsible.

sweetteewalls

Don't feel bad about posting, that's why its here. I just had it out with my AH about underlying resentments. A lot of drama happened between us the last time we were separated and he still holds those things against me. Somehow I am the devil when he has multiple things I've had to look past and forgive him for. It hurts like hell to hear your husband belittle you and blame you for every wrong thing that has happened. He is not healthy and no matter how much I love him...that won't help anything until he is ready to open his heart.

akrasia

Dear Emmy,

I have strong and serious doubts about this "therapy" that your abusive husband has organised. (He chose the therapist and is making the appointments.)

In your other post just recently, you described that you'd told the therapist (psychologist?) about the instances of your husband pushing you and slapping you, in addition to all the verbal abuse. Your husband was present in all this.

Did you therapist really just sit there nodding whilst you said that? And then continued on in a "okay so how can you both resolve this" sort of way?

I can absolutely see why your husband insisted on this particular therapist. NO DECENT therapist would sit there with the victim of an assault and say, "Right, so just tell the perpetrator here how you felt about that!"

NO. Here's what a trained and professional therapist would do:

1. Get him out of the room
2. Have a serious talk with you about domestic violence and your safety.
2. Offer to help you make a police report.
3. Tell you about the effects of domestic violence on children and offer you resources on that.

Finally: yes, I definitely agree with you that abuse is not about alcoholism. But abuse is not about feelings or resentments either. It's not about anger. Everyone feels anger, no one's anger is more compelling or powerful than another's. Does your husband slap people on the street when they **** him off? If he's pulled over for speeding does he verbally abuse the policeman?

DV is about control. And by orchestrating these creepy therapy sessions he's exercising control and trying to get things back to how they were.

Windmills

Please find your own therapist. You need to work on YOU without his presence before you can even consider whether you want to work on your marriage.

Windmills

THIS. Once my ex threw a pint glass full of vodka at my head in a crowded pub while I was working because I looked at him wrong. He was the manager there. There were customers fighting and when he split them up they were vile to him. The only person he attacked that night was me. I did by far the least to upset him, I was walking on egg shells all night. It was more about his power and control over me than anything else. It certainly wasn't anger. He's a coward, he defo doesn't have an anger problem, he avoids trouble with men the same size as or bigger than him like the plague. This was one of many incidents but just the best one that came to mind to illustrate the point!

EmmyG

I actually chose this therapist because she specializes in couples and addiction. We are discussing the domestic violence, but it's still early and she is aware that I am safe and not living with him so I doubt she feels that urgency that would be there if we lived together.

laurie6781

(((((Emmy)))))

I understand that you chose this therapist, however, I am concerned that
she has agreed to do 'couple's counseling' while he is in essence still in
active addiction. Most therapists will not do couples counseling until the
A has some 'recovery time' and is actively working on abstaining from
their DOC.

J M H O but for now, a therapist that is yours and yours alone, that can
help you get through the quagmire would be best, and would really give
you the space to see what he is doing about HIS ISSUES. Is he seeing
a therapist on his own, has he checked out AA, or SMART, or Life Ring,
or AVRT, etc and is working one of those? Are his ACTIONS, not his
words, showing he is working on his issues? etc

This all seems to me like he is just 'biding his time' until you are back in
the home, and then he can continue with his 'control' plan.

Love and hugs,

changeschoices

He may have resentments toward you, but saying that they come out when he's drinking is just an excuse. They could come out when he's not drinking, too. He's just using his drunkeness as an excuse to unload on you.

You've got two issues here: your husband is an alcoholic, and he's abusive.

No couples counselor worth her salt would counsel the two of you together until he's been sober for a year. Because, you see, he would have to be sober for a year at least before his head was clear enough to work on your relationship issues.

Your therapist is wrong about you being safe from violence because you are not living with your husband. ANY domestic violence counselor will tell you that the time most women are killed by their abusers is when a separation has occurred.

Windmills

Didn't even pick up on that. CC is exactly right, you're in the most danger when you're leaving or have left the relationship. Just this week near me a man was sent to jail for killing his ex- he broke into her home and attacked her with a claw hammer. Guess she was safe too, right?

akrasia

Okay, if you chose the therapist then I stand corrected. But if I knew her name and contact details I would make a complaint about her. You don't "discuss" domestic violence with the perpetrator in the room. That beggars belief.