Being sober for 26 years is no guarantee

Old 05-31-2012, 06:55 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Sanity2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Being sober for 26 years is no guarantee

I have known my ah for 11 years. We have been married for 5 of them. When I met him he told me that he was a recovering alcoholic (and until now he had been for 26 years).

After he got sober (through AA), he went back to school for this degree and his masters. In social work. He worked at drug rehab places, etc. I thought wow -this man has truly addressed his problems

His previous home life was not that stellar (family issues) but I believe that people can overcome that.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago. And while I realize nothing happens overnight, and there were signs I did not see then. He started getting "more" moody ( as all alcoholics have depression I have learned, in some form or fashion). He was more angry...more opionionated...etc. And he started talking about drinking, well more wistfully wishing he could. At that point I said he probably needed to go back to AA. Nope...that was not going to happen. (He had stopped going to AA meetings about 5 years into the program).

I have been told that it only takes one drink for an alcoholic to be a drunk. I was told right. Drinking, lying (which used to be his most wonderful quality he did not lie...I hope). Binging, apologizing, binging again. (oh, and going to AA meetings so he could say he was working his program) All of this happened in 6 months. Because once you have been an alcoholic if you go back, you tend to go right back to where you were when you stopped.

During this time he decided he was going through a 'mid life crisis'. I guess that meant, you know I don't want to be married...to you...and I want to be able to do what I want (drink and whatever). So 3 weeks ago, he went out and didn't come home. He appeared at 3pm the next day...new car had supposedly been "broken into"....and he would not tell anyone what happened. Mental anguish he called it.

I did not mention that he also has been perscribed Ambien, Zanax and countless other meds by a well known psychiatrist.

He told me that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce.

I am going to Al-Anon (which showed me I am not totally crazy) and found a therapist (which is helping me not to implode from the hurt and pain). And I read every book, article, etc to help me figure this whole thing out.

What I am learning that no matter how much I cry...no matter how much I pray....I cannot change the current situation. This sucks. But I am a "fixer" which is what we all learn to be. Someone once told me....garbage in...garbage out. You can only stuff so much anger, resentment, etc inside before it comes out.

This is the first time since this has happened I have written it all down. Even if no one reads it, it has helped.
Sanity2012 is offline  
Old 05-31-2012, 07:29 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello Sanity2012,
I am so glad you found this place. What a terrible thing to happen to you. After 26 years of sobriety. I am grateful for the reminder that my 15 + years means nothing really, just one day at a time.
A complete turnaround in a manner of six months? I have not known anyone that has that long sober and went back, but it is true about going back to where you dropped off.

Now that he has decided on a divorce, I see you are going to AlAnon.
It is so important that you do get it out and get support for yourself.
Do you have friends and family nearby? They could be helpful too.
Please come here when ever you feel the need to get it out.

This is a wonderful forum with great people who have experience strength and hope to share with you. No you cannot change the current situation, but you can change how you deal with it. I am glad you are here.

Beth

:ghug3
wicked is offline  
Old 05-31-2012, 07:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Journey To Me
 
MTSlideAddict's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this. Twenty six years and then falling back down the stairs. Wow. We are here with you, so come here to vent as much as you'd like. We will read it, and you're right - it does help.
MTSlideAddict is offline  
Old 05-31-2012, 07:43 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Sanity2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Thanks

I am learning that all things happen for a reason and most of those we don't get for quite a while. I go to Al-Anon and listen to the stories but something here touched me and I appreciate your replies. Nothing is forever as they say, including sobriety if those you care about don't work it. Work it for yourself...not for someone else. That part is hard. To care about someone else is easy, to care about yourself is more difficult for those that are in this situation. I tell my therapist and Al-Anon I just want to stop crying. Then they tell me that is what I need to do to heal. Great!

This is my most favorite quote right now:

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." - The Wizard to the Tin Man
Sanity2012 is offline  
Old 05-31-2012, 08:30 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
1000 Post Club
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
He may have been getting a "buzz" from the ambien & xanex the whole time. Sadly, I knew someone also with 20+ yrs of sobriety & when he return to the bottle he lost his job, wife ect... within a year.
Justfor1 is offline  
Old 05-31-2012, 08:57 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, yes it sucks. My AH was sober(without any program) for 15 years. Well, he was dry, not really sober but he had truly stayed away from alcohol for 15 years. Then, his depression crept up, then he started drinking while I was away for weekends, then he started drinking at home at night when I was asleep, etc. It's a vicious cycle and alcoholics must remain vigilant every single day to stay away from the booze, prescription meds, etc. Keep coming back to SR, lots of great advice to be heard.
lizatola is offline  
Old 05-31-2012, 09:03 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hopeworks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Xanax (benzodiazepine) is a poor choice for a recovering alcoholic as it acts on the brain in the same manner as alcohol and benzos combined with alcohol super magnify the effects of alcohol and should never be taken together. Alkies LOVE to mix the two as it makes one drink seem like you drank 4 drinks and very often leads to extreme nastiness and blackouts.

It is so sad to hear of someone relapsing after doing well for so long ... this is why I have determined in my heart that I will never get involved wth a person with addictive history even if sober... I could not take the stress of the uncertainty and very real possibility of relapse. Life is simply too short to take the chance again....
Hopeworks is offline  
Old 05-31-2012, 10:25 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry. You are clearly so very heartbroken.

It would seem the prescription narcotics "awakened the beast." It is well known that recovering addicts should avoid all mood-altering substances, as they will trigger the obsession and compulsion mechanisms in the addict brain. Recovering addicts who have surgery have to have intense support afterward to avoid full-blown active addiction as a result of narcotics in surgery and after-care.

He is in the cyclone of addiction right now, and he has no idea what he is doing. His abandonment of you is part of his mental chaos.

He knows where help is and he knows it works. But his addiction has become a lot more complicated with the benzos, as they are very hard to get off, and extremely dangerous to stop cold turkey. He will need medically supervised detox and intense rehab, probably, followed by a return to a 12 step program worked daily and rigorously, multiple weekly meetings for a long time. He is as lost at sea right now as a man can be.

So: that leaves you and your life, and your responsibility to yourself, and your responsibility to the other relationships in your life, for he is off on a long voyage right now, and there is no telling whether he will return nor in what condition. You can pace back and forth on a lonely balcony. Or you can straighten your shoulders and do your work: recovery and life.

The rest of his story and yours will unfold, beyond your control, your timing, your design.

Continue your meetings, continue counseling. Stay on track. More will unfold.
EnglishGarden is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 12:08 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Of course we will read your posts, look how many I got and these GREAT people have not kicked me out yet

I hope your heart keeps healing. This too shall pass. Honestly, it will, you are taking the steps to get there by Alanon and counseling.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I went out with an active alcoholic and thought "perhaps if he hadn't found someone else" "perhaps he was not really an alcoholic" "perhaps if he got sober everything would be fine" and I have read all the different scenarios get you the same heartache. There is no way to "win".. alcoholism is horrible, after so many years I can only imagine how much this hurts. Perhaps this pain transforms to gratitude for the good times lived? that is how I feel nowadays.

Hugs, let us know how you are feeling.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 12:17 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
In the book "Women who run with wolves" the author mentions in many stories/myths how the woman figure cried and how the tears kept demons away. Tears protect her.

In my case I was in so much pain I was unable to get back to XABF and try "one more time". I truly feel tears saved my life. I would have gone back, back again, back again to active alcoholism.


Cry all you need to but remember you are not alone. We are rooting for your success (sanity, peace, health, joy.. ) over here

A guru told me that, while crying, to imagine another me hugging myself and consoling the one in pain. This visualization has helped me.

I truly believe crying is already healing. A space opens in the end.


PS I recommend "the Grief club" by Melody Beatty, its about dealing with all sorts of changes including ones related to addictions.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 05:51 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I'm so sorry. This must be so terrible.

I dont know what else to say except I'll send you strength
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 06:50 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
totfit
 
totfit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Originally Posted by Sanity2012 View Post
( as all alcoholics have depression I have learned, in some form or fashion)

:
I hope everything works out. It always does, just sometimes not the way we wish. FYI, the above quote is wrong. Not all alcoholics have depression in one form or another. Active alcoholism is depressing yes, but alcoholics don't necessarilly have any form of depression, though it is correct that many, but not all deal with this.
totfit is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 08:39 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Survivor
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
I want to send love and light your way. I'm a cryin mess too, but I believe there will be a lot of healing when the tears dry. I am so proud of you for sharing your story here and for going to Al-Anon. It took me a long time to go to my very first meeting.

Keep going to meetings and posting here.

Love,

Lily
DefofLov is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 08:44 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Sanity. So very sorry for your situation that brought you here, but I hope you find the peace and solace and many new friends as I have in this wonderful place!

Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 09:03 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mo S's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota FL
Posts: 281
Just my opinion. xanaax is not a poor choice and you dont "catch a buzz" from it or ambian. I have been sober 29 years and prescribed meds which i need. Just my opinion; sounds like he completely lost his foundation of alcoholism recovery and is now "insane". Please take care of YOURSELF. Thats the MOST important thing. I am a "fixer " too. I had to separate from the people i wanted to fix. Let go of that behavior quick. I wish you the best.
Mo S is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 09:18 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Wow, I identified strongly with your experience.. My AH had stopped drinking (although not for 26 years--mine lasted 5). I recognize all those symptoms you talk about leading up to the relapse--the depression, the wistfulness and talk about missing drinking, the unhappiness with the marriage.

His relapse occurred almost simultaneously with our youngest going off to college. He had been more or less the stay-at-home dad while I worked and travelled for business. I think his responsibilities had helped to hold him together--once that glue was gone, he was undone.

When he relapsed, he drank, he went to singles support groups (even though we were never separated during that time--I think he was trying to backfill what he probably expected to be the end of one relationship with a new one). He cried, he complained about me. He went to a "guru" whom he completely manipulated in order to get the permission he was seeking: This woman who I'm sure was well-intentioned but very ill-equipped to counsel an alcoholic, told him, "You're wife is controlling you--why SHOULDN'T you have a glass of wine with your steak?" So that's just what he did.

Meanwhile, I was thrown for a loop; I was in a tizzy--but like you, I went back to AlAnon and also got a therapist.

I just wanted to assure you that I understand everything you said, because I experienced the same thing. Thanks for your story.
SoloMio is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 10:12 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so very sorry for your pain, dear.

As a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict (21+ years), I have watched many fall back into the active disease, and it is posts like this that remind me how important my recovery is to me.

As for what his psychiatrist has prescribed him in the past, it is up to your AH to be honest with all his medical providers. I find that being rigorously honest about my alcoholism/addictions with my medical providers (including a psychiatrist) is an integral part of my recovery.

Please be gentle with yourself, and know that you are among friends.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 10:59 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Sanity2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
I actually thought that with my AH's training in the mental health world he would recognize the situation before it got this bad. Or is that the same as doctor, heal thy self? All those years of me listening to him talk about alcoholics (when he was sober) he was deaf when I repeated what he taught me.
Sanity2012 is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 11:57 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Ambien, Xanax, and countless other meds.

What was this doctor prescribing them for?
choublak is offline  
Old 06-01-2012, 01:53 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Thank you for sharing this...

...I think it's very important for us to remember.

Take care,

Cyranoak
Cyranoak is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:52 AM.