Skippin through the meadow pickin up daisies
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: oakton, va
Posts: 8
Skippin through the meadow pickin up daisies
It has been one week since my RAH and I had our second and last marriage counseling session. He announced in the last three minutes of the session that he didn't want to go through the marriage counseling process. Very much the same fashion that he decided to just up and leave three months ago.
I suddenly have visions of how happy he is without me (imagine the hills are alive scene from sound of music). I have thoughts that this all is really just BS and that he woke one morning and decided he just didn't want to be with me anymore.
I am so very hurt. I don't want any of what has gone down here. Despite all of this I still have an urge to stand and fight for us. To fight for the perfection in our togetherness that existed and brought us to getting married.
On the flip side, somewhere in myself I know that the visions are not reality. I know that he is protecting his soberity at all costs (even if it means running from our marriage). I know he is dealing with demons in himself that I do not comprehend. I know he is dealing with guilt and emotional immaturity. I know that he needs to love himself.
I feel weak today. I feel like I want to call him to comfort myself. But I know that all that will do is make me feel worse than I already do. I know I will be getting a cold and uncaring response from someone who's presence and words made me feel safe and secure.
Instead of doing what I know would just hurt me more I have come here to write the thoughts. Purging the feeling that I have in my chest. Grateful that there may be a few who will read...
Thanks...
I suddenly have visions of how happy he is without me (imagine the hills are alive scene from sound of music). I have thoughts that this all is really just BS and that he woke one morning and decided he just didn't want to be with me anymore.
I am so very hurt. I don't want any of what has gone down here. Despite all of this I still have an urge to stand and fight for us. To fight for the perfection in our togetherness that existed and brought us to getting married.
On the flip side, somewhere in myself I know that the visions are not reality. I know that he is protecting his soberity at all costs (even if it means running from our marriage). I know he is dealing with demons in himself that I do not comprehend. I know he is dealing with guilt and emotional immaturity. I know that he needs to love himself.
I feel weak today. I feel like I want to call him to comfort myself. But I know that all that will do is make me feel worse than I already do. I know I will be getting a cold and uncaring response from someone who's presence and words made me feel safe and secure.
Instead of doing what I know would just hurt me more I have come here to write the thoughts. Purging the feeling that I have in my chest. Grateful that there may be a few who will read...
Thanks...
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Ditched, I recognize those feelings even though in my case I was the one who left. I wanted my perfect marriage back, I wanted my partner back, I wanted my fairy tale back.
I wanted my happy ever after!!!
But, that's not the way things worked out. What I got instead, with a whole lot of recovery work on my part, was I got me back. I refound my center, my calmness and my serenity. I found my strength and that I was complete just as I am. I really didn't need someone else to make me whole. I was whole already.
I found that my happily ever after doesn't require anyone but me.
So, welcome on the first steps to saner more serene lifestyle and a happier you.
Your friend,
I wanted my happy ever after!!!
But, that's not the way things worked out. What I got instead, with a whole lot of recovery work on my part, was I got me back. I refound my center, my calmness and my serenity. I found my strength and that I was complete just as I am. I really didn't need someone else to make me whole. I was whole already.
I found that my happily ever after doesn't require anyone but me.
So, welcome on the first steps to saner more serene lifestyle and a happier you.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
If it makes you feel any better, my selfish, immature AX dumped me last year to "focus on his recovery". He was drinking heavily again within a month or so. Clearly, he wasn't living out some wonderful fantasy. Fast forward to now, this time I ended the relationship a month ago, he is drinking heavily and in financial trouble and once again, no wonderful fantasy for him.
What I'm saying is, even if your AH is in recovery, it sounds like he is a selfish and immature person and people like that generally don't have much happiness in life. They might pretend to be so together, but my AX admitted to me that during the two months we were apart when he dumped me last summer, he spent pretty much the entire time holed up in his apartment drinking and feeling suicidal.
But at the time, when we talked on the phone, he presented himself to me as Mr. Recovery, living a fulfilling life without me, going to AA, getting a new job, etc. I was devastated at being abandoned when he was supposedly in recovery and starting a new, sober life. I felt like I was only good enough for him when he was a drunk, and when he decided to get sober, he threw me away.
This is the reality: my AX is still a raging drunk, still a loser, still in denial.
Last summer, while he was supposedly Mr. Recovery living the good life but was actually sitting around in a dark apartment drunk and alone, and I was sad and hurt, this is what I was doing: I started volunteering with an organization that is now about to hire me; I took my daughters to the beach for a fantastic week of sun and sand; I joined the gym and learned pilates and kickboxing; I took a meditation class; I went on dates; I saw friends; in general, even though I cried a lot when the kids weren't looking and was sad, I did manage in spite of it to KEEP LIVING, and living a pretty darn good life, at that.
There is a thread here somewhere called "Rejected by the Reject" or something like that, for those of us who have been dumped by our A's. See if you can find it. And then go out and live a good, rich life in spite of how bad you feel. Because karma is a you-know-what and chances are that your AH will continue to be an unhappy jerk. Do you want to waste your time letting him make you feel like a loser when you could be out living life?
I am proof that living well is the best "revenge".
What I'm saying is, even if your AH is in recovery, it sounds like he is a selfish and immature person and people like that generally don't have much happiness in life. They might pretend to be so together, but my AX admitted to me that during the two months we were apart when he dumped me last summer, he spent pretty much the entire time holed up in his apartment drinking and feeling suicidal.
But at the time, when we talked on the phone, he presented himself to me as Mr. Recovery, living a fulfilling life without me, going to AA, getting a new job, etc. I was devastated at being abandoned when he was supposedly in recovery and starting a new, sober life. I felt like I was only good enough for him when he was a drunk, and when he decided to get sober, he threw me away.
This is the reality: my AX is still a raging drunk, still a loser, still in denial.
Last summer, while he was supposedly Mr. Recovery living the good life but was actually sitting around in a dark apartment drunk and alone, and I was sad and hurt, this is what I was doing: I started volunteering with an organization that is now about to hire me; I took my daughters to the beach for a fantastic week of sun and sand; I joined the gym and learned pilates and kickboxing; I took a meditation class; I went on dates; I saw friends; in general, even though I cried a lot when the kids weren't looking and was sad, I did manage in spite of it to KEEP LIVING, and living a pretty darn good life, at that.
There is a thread here somewhere called "Rejected by the Reject" or something like that, for those of us who have been dumped by our A's. See if you can find it. And then go out and live a good, rich life in spite of how bad you feel. Because karma is a you-know-what and chances are that your AH will continue to be an unhappy jerk. Do you want to waste your time letting him make you feel like a loser when you could be out living life?
I am proof that living well is the best "revenge".
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3406518
bumped this too for you
bumped this too for you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Ditched,
Do not feel "ditched" because your partner was emotionally unavailable and unable to enter into a real love relationship and has at least been honest enough to admit it to you.
Your A has a very, very long way to go to become emotionally whole and abstinence is not necesarily recovery. Honesty is a key building block for true recovery and maybe your A is really trying to do the right thing for both of you.
In my case my A was the complete opposite and would chameleon himself to continue to manipulate me in our rollercoaster relationship of drinking, crisis, detox and then abstinence until the next relapse. It is the alcoholic cycle. In parts of our relationship he reached real recovery... true spiritual recovery and I loved that person but he couldn't sustain it. It was simply too much work and discipline to have a daily program of growth and recovery. It was easier to just pick up a drink and escape back into the cocoon of bliss alcohol provided.
Honestly... alcoholics using, abstinest and even in true recovery are extremely difficult relationships ... we are all broken but some of us are shattered inside emotionally. Some of us get better if we stay on the path and have others in our lives to help us continue to grow and be accountible. Some pretend to be in recovery... that was my A's MO... recovery speak and dabbling with an occasional meeting and church was supposed to keep the wool over my eyes. His playacting always ended in complete and utter failure and a catastrophic relapse with terrible consequences.
And some turn a corner and try to make an honest attempt at getting real with themselves and others by coming clean. I hope that is what your A is doing by telling the truth about his inability to love or even feel right now.
Even if he embarks on a honest recovery path it does not mean that the happily ever after is a given... life with an A is HARD... very difficult especially for the first few years.
I spent 4 years with my A. Looking back I am appalled that I stayed in that insanity for that long. I was completely emeshed in his recovery efforts and the longest he was ever sober was a year and half. He relapsed 4 months ago and is now drinking himself to death and refusing to go back into detox and treatment.
The reason I am telling you this is because years ago I was in your position early in the relationship and the warning signs were so very apparent yet my "feelings" and emotions that wash over us kept me captive... like moth who is drawn to the flame of the candle. I simply could not escape even though the odds were so very bleak and my life was so drowned in anxiety and misery.
Your A is showing you he is... he is not available. Your feeling are just that ... feelings. They will pass in time. You deserve better. An emotionally healthy man that can be an equal partner and someone you can depend on for the rest of his and your life. An A is never that because relapse is a constant in your life.. it can be one day, one year or even one minute. It can be 10 years or even 20...but it always there... the possibility of the nightmare of your world being upended and if you have children the horrors it will spell for them.
So... be strong. You have it within to grow through this. Please go to alanon... and keep coming here. SR has been lifesaving for me.
Do not feel "ditched" because your partner was emotionally unavailable and unable to enter into a real love relationship and has at least been honest enough to admit it to you.
Your A has a very, very long way to go to become emotionally whole and abstinence is not necesarily recovery. Honesty is a key building block for true recovery and maybe your A is really trying to do the right thing for both of you.
In my case my A was the complete opposite and would chameleon himself to continue to manipulate me in our rollercoaster relationship of drinking, crisis, detox and then abstinence until the next relapse. It is the alcoholic cycle. In parts of our relationship he reached real recovery... true spiritual recovery and I loved that person but he couldn't sustain it. It was simply too much work and discipline to have a daily program of growth and recovery. It was easier to just pick up a drink and escape back into the cocoon of bliss alcohol provided.
Honestly... alcoholics using, abstinest and even in true recovery are extremely difficult relationships ... we are all broken but some of us are shattered inside emotionally. Some of us get better if we stay on the path and have others in our lives to help us continue to grow and be accountible. Some pretend to be in recovery... that was my A's MO... recovery speak and dabbling with an occasional meeting and church was supposed to keep the wool over my eyes. His playacting always ended in complete and utter failure and a catastrophic relapse with terrible consequences.
And some turn a corner and try to make an honest attempt at getting real with themselves and others by coming clean. I hope that is what your A is doing by telling the truth about his inability to love or even feel right now.
Even if he embarks on a honest recovery path it does not mean that the happily ever after is a given... life with an A is HARD... very difficult especially for the first few years.
I spent 4 years with my A. Looking back I am appalled that I stayed in that insanity for that long. I was completely emeshed in his recovery efforts and the longest he was ever sober was a year and half. He relapsed 4 months ago and is now drinking himself to death and refusing to go back into detox and treatment.
The reason I am telling you this is because years ago I was in your position early in the relationship and the warning signs were so very apparent yet my "feelings" and emotions that wash over us kept me captive... like moth who is drawn to the flame of the candle. I simply could not escape even though the odds were so very bleak and my life was so drowned in anxiety and misery.
Your A is showing you he is... he is not available. Your feeling are just that ... feelings. They will pass in time. You deserve better. An emotionally healthy man that can be an equal partner and someone you can depend on for the rest of his and your life. An A is never that because relapse is a constant in your life.. it can be one day, one year or even one minute. It can be 10 years or even 20...but it always there... the possibility of the nightmare of your world being upended and if you have children the horrors it will spell for them.
So... be strong. You have it within to grow through this. Please go to alanon... and keep coming here. SR has been lifesaving for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Ditched,
I would be very cautious about projecting onto him what you think he really is doing, thinking or feeling. We codependents do that a lot, and it is very unhealthy. We say, "Oh, he said that but really I know it's because he.....". "He did that but I know that it's really because underneath that he is ......"
Whenever we begin statements with, "I know he is.....", we are in flaming codependency, assuming we know the true motives and feelings of the addict and then deciding we will act on our assumptions, not on what the addict is actually DOING.
My sense from your posts is that your AH enjoys domination and control, and whether this is hard-wired or is the result of the disease, the fact is, his behavior is extremely narcissistic, and you are in grave danger of becoming very emotionally ill in this marriage. And when you say that a part of you wants to "fight for us" I feel great concern that you will continue to stay hooked and try to put on just the right face that will please him. This is deadly for your mental health.
I believe you do not realize fully how bad this can get for you--his emotional abuse and domination--and I hope you will get a good counselor and stick with her through the many hard months ahead. If he isolates you, he will control you, and many of us here know how sick and crazy we become when we are victims of a narcissistic, blame-shifting, dominating, grandiose addict.
You do not want to see him as this, you want to instead revise who he is and defend him as "dealing with demons, protecting his sobriety, feeling guilt, immaturity....". This is classic codependency when we do this, when we try to find good reasons for an addict's abuse of us.
He has you dangling like a puppet on a string right now. He is controlling the marriage, the separation, the counseling, and, dangerously, your thinking, hence, your mental health.
So I encourage you to get a counselor to help you in what is to come. You may come to see those past good times with him in a whole new light.
I would be very cautious about projecting onto him what you think he really is doing, thinking or feeling. We codependents do that a lot, and it is very unhealthy. We say, "Oh, he said that but really I know it's because he.....". "He did that but I know that it's really because underneath that he is ......"
Whenever we begin statements with, "I know he is.....", we are in flaming codependency, assuming we know the true motives and feelings of the addict and then deciding we will act on our assumptions, not on what the addict is actually DOING.
My sense from your posts is that your AH enjoys domination and control, and whether this is hard-wired or is the result of the disease, the fact is, his behavior is extremely narcissistic, and you are in grave danger of becoming very emotionally ill in this marriage. And when you say that a part of you wants to "fight for us" I feel great concern that you will continue to stay hooked and try to put on just the right face that will please him. This is deadly for your mental health.
I believe you do not realize fully how bad this can get for you--his emotional abuse and domination--and I hope you will get a good counselor and stick with her through the many hard months ahead. If he isolates you, he will control you, and many of us here know how sick and crazy we become when we are victims of a narcissistic, blame-shifting, dominating, grandiose addict.
You do not want to see him as this, you want to instead revise who he is and defend him as "dealing with demons, protecting his sobriety, feeling guilt, immaturity....". This is classic codependency when we do this, when we try to find good reasons for an addict's abuse of us.
He has you dangling like a puppet on a string right now. He is controlling the marriage, the separation, the counseling, and, dangerously, your thinking, hence, your mental health.
So I encourage you to get a counselor to help you in what is to come. You may come to see those past good times with him in a whole new light.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by ditched626 
Despite all of this I still have an urge to stand and fight for us. To fight for the perfection in our togetherness that existed and brought us to getting married. On the flip side, somewhere in myself I know that the visions are not reality.
Whatever the reason, your RAH walked out on you and your family. It doesn't matter why. Remind yourself daily that good men do not treat their families this way.
Protect his sobriety at all costs - sorry folks but I don't buy that line. In my experience it is used as an excuse to act badly. He made a conscious choice and then realized he couldn't handle the stress and daily strife of having a wife and a blended family, so he walked. He had other choices, but he choice to walk away, regardless of the mess he created in making that choice. That's just damn selfish in my eyes.
Hang in there, ditched. It does get better over time. As flip as it may sound, you dodged a bullet here. Accept the loss, learn your lesson, and move on to a better life.
Big hugs,
~T
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