Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Startingover2 
Thank you so much! I really needed that today. I was just rocking the baby back to sleep, touching her cheek and promising that I won't let her go down the drain with her father (exah). She is so perfect and wonderful. Its amazing he can't put her happiness and well being first.
Don't focus on the have-nots. Focus on the fact that you can put her happiness and well being first. You got the better end of the bargain, I guarantee!
:ghug :ghug
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
What good advice she gave you!
To be honest, i'm always the one who ends things first in relationships - partially because i'm a closet commitment-phobe and partially because i'm a control freak. But, being the one who ends the relationship first is empowering, and i can remember the one and only time i was dumped and how miserable i felt - even though i didnt even like him that much!
I have one close girlfriend who was recently dumped by her LOSER boyfriend (i mean grade A jerk: father of her child, alcoholic/addict, manipulative, moocher, unfaithful ASSSSSHOLE!) Deep down, my friend totally knows he is a bad guy and that she deserved better anyway. However, just the fact that he dumped her made her feel like she wasn't even good enough for a bad guy. I can pretty much say for a fact that if she had ended this first, she wouldn't have felt so miserable about the whole thing.
I must add, if dating not-so -great guys has been a pattern for you, especially if they are dangerous or manipulative, maybe take a time out from the whole dating scene. I went on strike from relationships almost a year ago and I have an entire new sense of awareness. Plus, I've gained a lot of confidence and independence - as well as strengthened relationships with my galpals. Being single has helped me totally love myself and see me for who I am as a person, rather than as a girlfriend. Plus, I can spot all the mistakes I made when I was dating/in relationships, and I know better than to make the same ones now.
Good luck and stay positive!
Rach
To be honest, i'm always the one who ends things first in relationships - partially because i'm a closet commitment-phobe and partially because i'm a control freak. But, being the one who ends the relationship first is empowering, and i can remember the one and only time i was dumped and how miserable i felt - even though i didnt even like him that much!
I have one close girlfriend who was recently dumped by her LOSER boyfriend (i mean grade A jerk: father of her child, alcoholic/addict, manipulative, moocher, unfaithful ASSSSSHOLE!) Deep down, my friend totally knows he is a bad guy and that she deserved better anyway. However, just the fact that he dumped her made her feel like she wasn't even good enough for a bad guy. I can pretty much say for a fact that if she had ended this first, she wouldn't have felt so miserable about the whole thing.
I must add, if dating not-so -great guys has been a pattern for you, especially if they are dangerous or manipulative, maybe take a time out from the whole dating scene. I went on strike from relationships almost a year ago and I have an entire new sense of awareness. Plus, I've gained a lot of confidence and independence - as well as strengthened relationships with my galpals. Being single has helped me totally love myself and see me for who I am as a person, rather than as a girlfriend. Plus, I can spot all the mistakes I made when I was dating/in relationships, and I know better than to make the same ones now.
Good luck and stay positive!
Rach
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
((Starting)) :ghug3
I hope you reflect on how this precious little baby will not have to endure having an alcoholic father today. Or tomorrow. You have saved her (and you) much more grief. I am happy she is with you and that you are on your way to sanity and emotional health
I hope you look at his actions as further proof he is not good for you. Please do not see it as something he is doing against you. He just does it regardless of who is around .He is an AH. That is what they do - destroy. It is not personal. You did the best thing for you and your baby, move away from his shadow. Be sure that he will repeat the same mistakes with the next person, and worse... that is the rule of life, when you do not learn a lesson, something worse happens for you to wake up, and this applies to everybody.
Also, down to the numbers, you have saved your baby the need to spend all her future money $$ in therapists, and saved her from thinking an AH is what a husband looks like and look for a similarly troubled person to be her partner.
So, as a mother, this is my opinion of you:
I know no amount of logic works well when you are feeling down and hurt, but I hope you release your feelings in non-harming ways and keep healing. This too shall pass
(((Hugs)))
I hope you reflect on how this precious little baby will not have to endure having an alcoholic father today. Or tomorrow. You have saved her (and you) much more grief. I am happy she is with you and that you are on your way to sanity and emotional health
I hope you look at his actions as further proof he is not good for you. Please do not see it as something he is doing against you. He just does it regardless of who is around .He is an AH. That is what they do - destroy. It is not personal. You did the best thing for you and your baby, move away from his shadow. Be sure that he will repeat the same mistakes with the next person, and worse... that is the rule of life, when you do not learn a lesson, something worse happens for you to wake up, and this applies to everybody.
Also, down to the numbers, you have saved your baby the need to spend all her future money $$ in therapists, and saved her from thinking an AH is what a husband looks like and look for a similarly troubled person to be her partner.
So, as a mother, this is my opinion of you:
I know no amount of logic works well when you are feeling down and hurt, but I hope you release your feelings in non-harming ways and keep healing. This too shall pass
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Startingover2
I had to reread this thread today. I am very down. Just found out my exh is involved with a married woman who is blowing up her family and he is also on AdultFriendFinder.com.
What the hell was so wrong about his life and family here?
What the hell was so wrong about his life and family here?
#2: a recovering alcoholic that now runs a rehab center tells family members simply to not even try to figure out/analyze the behavior, or lose sleep and go nuts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
My AGF is in treatment and has been for about 11 weeks at 4 different facilities.
At the first one, according to her, they were all incompetent and she needed to move to get the help she needed.
She moved to a second one. At that facility, they were trying to poison her. She had to leave. She went to the ER. The ER ended up doing a pysch eval on her and involuntarilly committed her to a psychiatric hospital.
After 2 weeks in the psychiatric hospital, she entered the program where she is today. At the end of the first 30 days, she once again was quacking about how this team was incompetent as well. She wanted to move to outpatient. She ended up staying inpatient.
So what does this have to do with this thread?
During the last 3 months, she has threatened to leave me on probably 50 occasions. She has thrown everything at me.
1. I don't lover her.
2. I am sicker than she is.
3. I am trying to control her.
4. I have been cheating on her.
5. She now understands why I divorced my ex-wife.
6. She could "never do to me what I am doing to her."
7. I just want her out of the way.
And the beat goes on.
As of right now, she says that we are no longer together and she is moving on.
I don't deny my part of the alcholoic / co-dependent dance. Through Al Anon and therapy I am coming to see that. But all of this has just been attempts to manipulate me and get me to say, "I'm sorry, you can come home and stop treatment." She would like nothing better than to return to the old status quo.
Is she "rejecting me?" Sure she is. She is rejecting the healthier me that will not enable her addiction and behavior. Does her "rejection" hurt? Yes.
My therapist offered a different way of looking at it as well. If you are walking down the street, and a robber looks you over, and decides, no, I am not going to rob that person, I am going to rob someone else. You look like you are going to fight back, that you are too strong, that you may be carrying a gun. The robber "rejects" you. Is that a bad thing?
We are rejected by the alcholoic, not because we are weak, and sick, and pathetic. We are rejected because we are strong. They look for our weakness and try to exploit it. When they can't break through our armor, they have one of 2 choices. They can begin their journey of recovery, or they can go look for weaker prey.
I am healthy enough today to fend off the attacks and walk with my head held high. Do I have a ton of work left to do on myself. No doubt.
But I know that I am not a reject. I am being told I am one because I am strong.
At the first one, according to her, they were all incompetent and she needed to move to get the help she needed.
She moved to a second one. At that facility, they were trying to poison her. She had to leave. She went to the ER. The ER ended up doing a pysch eval on her and involuntarilly committed her to a psychiatric hospital.
After 2 weeks in the psychiatric hospital, she entered the program where she is today. At the end of the first 30 days, she once again was quacking about how this team was incompetent as well. She wanted to move to outpatient. She ended up staying inpatient.
So what does this have to do with this thread?
During the last 3 months, she has threatened to leave me on probably 50 occasions. She has thrown everything at me.
1. I don't lover her.
2. I am sicker than she is.
3. I am trying to control her.
4. I have been cheating on her.
5. She now understands why I divorced my ex-wife.
6. She could "never do to me what I am doing to her."
7. I just want her out of the way.
And the beat goes on.
As of right now, she says that we are no longer together and she is moving on.
I don't deny my part of the alcholoic / co-dependent dance. Through Al Anon and therapy I am coming to see that. But all of this has just been attempts to manipulate me and get me to say, "I'm sorry, you can come home and stop treatment." She would like nothing better than to return to the old status quo.
Is she "rejecting me?" Sure she is. She is rejecting the healthier me that will not enable her addiction and behavior. Does her "rejection" hurt? Yes.
My therapist offered a different way of looking at it as well. If you are walking down the street, and a robber looks you over, and decides, no, I am not going to rob that person, I am going to rob someone else. You look like you are going to fight back, that you are too strong, that you may be carrying a gun. The robber "rejects" you. Is that a bad thing?
We are rejected by the alcholoic, not because we are weak, and sick, and pathetic. We are rejected because we are strong. They look for our weakness and try to exploit it. When they can't break through our armor, they have one of 2 choices. They can begin their journey of recovery, or they can go look for weaker prey.
I am healthy enough today to fend off the attacks and walk with my head held high. Do I have a ton of work left to do on myself. No doubt.
But I know that I am not a reject. I am being told I am one because I am strong.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I can't thank you all enough for this thread
"Weaker prey"
so true
Sometimes I was sick & twisted enough to want to go back to my "careless" "fun" self, drinking, clubbing, to "fit in".
But no, I know I can't look back now, and I know this recovery path has so many gifts for me... that the end result is more important than ANY event on the past, ANY other opinions, ANYTHING... now I know my objective in life is to feel peace and grow spiritually, that is all I aim to do. Not a job or an image or a car or feeding up sick society's opinion of "success"... I just need peace, and faith in my life, and letting know the VALUABLE PEOPLE AROUND ME how much they enhance my life...
Its the "Gift of desperation", when you are no longer willing to LOSE TIME and finally start focusing on the things that actually matter (faith, health, tranquility)
I am starting to see how the madness of my last "relationship" helped me reorganize my priorities and become totally commited to them.
So, in the end.. everything worked out for the best. At least for me. And I agree we are strong, because its very difficult to break patterns, yet here we are breaking them.
I think everybody is doing it too, but no guys, its just us!! Even in our pain we are blessed.
Just my thoughts today...
"Weaker prey"
so trueSometimes I was sick & twisted enough to want to go back to my "careless" "fun" self, drinking, clubbing, to "fit in".
But no, I know I can't look back now, and I know this recovery path has so many gifts for me... that the end result is more important than ANY event on the past, ANY other opinions, ANYTHING... now I know my objective in life is to feel peace and grow spiritually, that is all I aim to do. Not a job or an image or a car or feeding up sick society's opinion of "success"... I just need peace, and faith in my life, and letting know the VALUABLE PEOPLE AROUND ME how much they enhance my life...
Its the "Gift of desperation", when you are no longer willing to LOSE TIME and finally start focusing on the things that actually matter (faith, health, tranquility)
I am starting to see how the madness of my last "relationship" helped me reorganize my priorities and become totally commited to them.
So, in the end.. everything worked out for the best. At least for me. And I agree we are strong, because its very difficult to break patterns, yet here we are breaking them.
I think everybody is doing it too, but no guys, its just us!! Even in our pain we are blessed.
Just my thoughts today...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Constant threats of abandonment
Originally Posted by bluejay6
It's very common, addicts always threatening to leave, always questioning the relationship, always distracting us from THEIR ADDICTION with subtle or blatant threats to dump us, which takes the attention off the REAL problem and makes us reactive and clinging and insecure.
It is a brilliant tactic. It keeps a lot of people trapped for a long time. And it puffs the addict up to magnificent proportion. And with addicts, it's all about the ego. Puff puff puff.
It is a brilliant tactic. It keeps a lot of people trapped for a long time. And it puffs the addict up to magnificent proportion. And with addicts, it's all about the ego. Puff puff puff.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by TrainWreckAgain
My AGF is in treatment and has been for about 11 weeks at 4 different facilities.
At the first one, according to her, they were all incompetent and she needed to move to get the help she needed.
She moved to a second one. At that facility, they were trying to poison her. She had to leave. She went to the ER. The ER ended up doing a pysch eval on her and involuntarilly committed her to a psychiatric hospital.
After 2 weeks in the psychiatric hospital, she entered the program where she is today. At the end of the first 30 days, she once again was quacking about how this team was incompetent as well. She wanted to move to outpatient. She ended up staying inpatient.
So what does this have to do with this thread?
During the last 3 months, she has threatened to leave me on probably 50 occasions. She has thrown everything at me.
1. I don't lover her.
2. I am sicker than she is.
3. I am trying to control her.
4. I have been cheating on her.
5. She now understands why I divorced my ex-wife.
6. She could "never do to me what I am doing to her."
7. I just want her out of the way.
And the beat goes on.
As of right now, she says that we are no longer together and she is moving on.
I don't deny my part of the alcholoic / co-dependent dance. Through Al Anon and therapy I am coming to see that. But all of this has just been attempts to manipulate me and get me to say, "I'm sorry, you can come home and stop treatment." She would like nothing better than to return to the old status quo.
Is she "rejecting me?" Sure she is. She is rejecting the healthier me that will not enable her addiction and behavior. Does her "rejection" hurt? Yes.
My therapist offered a different way of looking at it as well. If you are walking down the street, and a robber looks you over, and decides, no, I am not going to rob that person, I am going to rob someone else. You look like you are going to fight back, that you are too strong, that you may be carrying a gun. The robber "rejects" you. Is that a bad thing?
We are rejected by the alcholoic, not because we are weak, and sick, and pathetic. We are rejected because we are strong. They look for our weakness and try to exploit it. When they can't break through our armor, they have one of 2 choices. They can begin their journey of recovery, or they can go look for weaker prey.
I am healthy enough today to fend off the attacks and walk with my head held high. Do I have a ton of work left to do on myself. No doubt.
But I know that I am not a reject. I am being told I am one because I am strong.
At the first one, according to her, they were all incompetent and she needed to move to get the help she needed.
She moved to a second one. At that facility, they were trying to poison her. She had to leave. She went to the ER. The ER ended up doing a pysch eval on her and involuntarilly committed her to a psychiatric hospital.
After 2 weeks in the psychiatric hospital, she entered the program where she is today. At the end of the first 30 days, she once again was quacking about how this team was incompetent as well. She wanted to move to outpatient. She ended up staying inpatient.
So what does this have to do with this thread?
During the last 3 months, she has threatened to leave me on probably 50 occasions. She has thrown everything at me.
1. I don't lover her.
2. I am sicker than she is.
3. I am trying to control her.
4. I have been cheating on her.
5. She now understands why I divorced my ex-wife.
6. She could "never do to me what I am doing to her."
7. I just want her out of the way.
And the beat goes on.
As of right now, she says that we are no longer together and she is moving on.
I don't deny my part of the alcholoic / co-dependent dance. Through Al Anon and therapy I am coming to see that. But all of this has just been attempts to manipulate me and get me to say, "I'm sorry, you can come home and stop treatment." She would like nothing better than to return to the old status quo.
Is she "rejecting me?" Sure she is. She is rejecting the healthier me that will not enable her addiction and behavior. Does her "rejection" hurt? Yes.
My therapist offered a different way of looking at it as well. If you are walking down the street, and a robber looks you over, and decides, no, I am not going to rob that person, I am going to rob someone else. You look like you are going to fight back, that you are too strong, that you may be carrying a gun. The robber "rejects" you. Is that a bad thing?
We are rejected by the alcholoic, not because we are weak, and sick, and pathetic. We are rejected because we are strong. They look for our weakness and try to exploit it. When they can't break through our armor, they have one of 2 choices. They can begin their journey of recovery, or they can go look for weaker prey.
I am healthy enough today to fend off the attacks and walk with my head held high. Do I have a ton of work left to do on myself. No doubt.
But I know that I am not a reject. I am being told I am one because I am strong.
Reading this post and thread has really brought me back, helped me remember myself, and helped give me back my strength. I have it posted now on my bathroom mirror and will read it everyday until it sinks it.
Thanks for the reminder.....
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi BS08,
Thanks for the bump.. this thread is really great. Its been 9 months since the same thing happened to me and I am still in shock.
The good news is that by now I am already understanding I do not need anyone in my life that can lie so much and then mistreat me and go out with someone else right away.
The people I find interesting now is the people that take time to reflect on the past, that learn from their mistakes and treat others respectfully...
It is also freeing at some point - the "worse" already happened, and I am still here and I can still be happy. That means others do not hold the key to the joy I crave, I reached a dead end in the long string of losers I have added to my life and now I get another shot to finding the correct path towards real joy. And real love, the one that carries you on its wings and takes you higher and higher...
Hope you feel better
Thanks for the bump.. this thread is really great. Its been 9 months since the same thing happened to me and I am still in shock.
The good news is that by now I am already understanding I do not need anyone in my life that can lie so much and then mistreat me and go out with someone else right away.
The people I find interesting now is the people that take time to reflect on the past, that learn from their mistakes and treat others respectfully...
It is also freeing at some point - the "worse" already happened, and I am still here and I can still be happy. That means others do not hold the key to the joy I crave, I reached a dead end in the long string of losers I have added to my life and now I get another shot to finding the correct path towards real joy. And real love, the one that carries you on its wings and takes you higher and higher...
Hope you feel better
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Hi NYC Chick. I know this thread was started a little while ago but I saw your original post mentioned in another thread I have been reading and I wanted to find out what it was all about. I have found it really useful and know I will need to read again and again when I feel down about my ex dumping me - it has given me much strength. I suppose the real reason I'm posting is to say thanks for sharing that - also I'm posting it so I can find it again easily under my posts !!!! XX
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by steve11694
#1: you apply logic and reason where there is none.
#2: a recovering alcoholic that now runs a rehab center tells family members simply to not even try to figure out/analyze the behavior, or lose sleep and go nuts.
#2: a recovering alcoholic that now runs a rehab center tells family members simply to not even try to figure out/analyze the behavior, or lose sleep and go nuts.
I am making myself nuts trying to figure out why I wasn't woman enough for him! Why did he trade our future for internet whores? I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, took care of his house, lost weight, became debt free, never turned him down for sex EVER, and yet, nothing I did was good enough!
This is good advice, and I will try to heed it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by TrainWreckAgain
We are rejected by the alcoholic, not because we are weak, and sick, and pathetic. We are rejected because we are strong. They look for our weakness and try to exploit it. When they can't break through our armor, they have one of 2 choices. They can begin their journey of recovery, or they can go look for weaker prey.
Absolute GENIUS! I am going to print this out, and paste it everywhere.
What else would someone be doing on adultfriendfinder? Not finding a good strong woman like me!!! Definitely finding WEAKER PREY!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Oddly enough, the reject I wrote about in this recently contacted me and wanted to be friends because he remembered me fondly. Lol! I politely declined his invitation, but it's a good lesson that they usually come back. This happened almost a year ago and here he comes again.
Knowing they will likely come back takes the anxiety away a bit, at least it did with xabf, so I could focus on myself.
Knowing they will likely come back takes the anxiety away a bit, at least it did with xabf, so I could focus on myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I had two people help open my eyes about XAH. My therapist said...."He's not much of a prize." One of our friends on vacation with us looked at me and said "He is a jerk!" I knew these two loved me and I started looking at these two comments. Now looking back after a couple of years after the divorce I see it. Wow I was blind.
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