K123

My 27-year old partner of eight years is a binge alcoholic. Until February, we had lived together for over a year. We are not married and have no children.

He had always liked drinking on the weekends, and I naively believed that it was a phase of young-adulthood that would pass. Outside of that, we felt like a young couple moving towards a normal adult life. His drinking crept up on me and I did not acknowledge it as a problem until it was too late.

About a year ago, he got into legal trouble over an incident that occurred when he was drunk. It horrified me and sent him into a tailspin. His weekend drinking intensified and turned into mini-benders. He became violent (not with me) and angry.

During this time, I stopped drinking completely as it seemed to make his actions seem acceptable. I tried to snap him out of it and work towards a normal, picket-fence life. I bought a notebook that I filled with activities that didn't involve drinking so that he always had an option on the weekends. He wasn't interested.

After one particularly traumatic night when he kicked me out of the house in a confused, drunken rage, he woke up in the morning a mess, begging me for forgiveness. I demanded that he abstain completely from alcohol or lose me. He partially admitted having a problem, and, under duress, said he would try to quit. (I stayed with my parents after that night and have been here ever since, although we are still together. After moving out, I continued to visit him at our house every day.)

After two weeks, he was making compromise after compromise, believing he could have "one or two" and control the amount he drank. Predictably, he failed, and his solution was to lie about what he had consumed, and, while he was wonderful during the week, I began to dread every Friday, wondering what horror would await me. And every Friday it came.

During this time, I continued to make healthy changes in my own life, and realizing the gravity of the situation, I began to prepare for the inevitable crash that would spell the end of our relationship.

The struggle continued until this past Saturday, which ended in a spectacular, humiliating incident. When I picked him up from a night out, he had assaulted someone, could not speak or stand on his own, and had thrown up so much he should have had an I.V. I got him home and stayed up all night, helping him throw up and making sure he was still breathing. He should have been taken to a hospital. If it were not for the help of some shocked friends, I would have had to call the police to have him taken somewhere. It was the most terrifying night of my life.

His family got directly involved this time. We all spoke to him separately, and he said he had a problem and asked for help. This time, he has cried for three days. His secret has been blown wide open and he says it brings him some relief. He is embarrassed and says he is haunted by the things he has put me through. He has made no compromises and has said he wants drinking out of his life, that he wants a different life. He has made an appointment with a psychologist and has found an open AA meeting to attend. He thanked me for my support in the past and all my attempts to help. He told me he feels alone and he needs me, but he will understand my reasons if I do not believe he will quit this time.

We are both very lucky to come from supporting, loving families. His family hopes that I will be part of their support system and believes I am his rock. My family is concerned for my safety and future and are encouraging me to say goodbye.

I love him dearly and believe strongly in his ability to recover. I am going to stay with him and see him through this. But because we are currently living apart, and because of the Saturday incident, I feel I should limit contact, to allow him to continue to feel the gravity of the situation. I feel like i didn't create enough distance last time for him to "feel" it.

On the other hand, I have been waiting a long time for him to see the light, and have him come back to me, in a sense. I once thought this day would never come. But I am also weary, and I have been hurt before. I feel like I cannot survive another failure. I want to run to him and help him in any way I can. I'm worried that if I stay away, he'll be visited by toxic friends instead, and his sobriety will be threatened. I feel like it takes so much to ask for help, to ask for someone, that pulling away would be a devastating rejection to him in his weakest moment.

I come from selfless people who would drive across the world in the middle of the night to help their children without a second thought, and this is how I learned to love. I consider myself strong and well-adjusted. Morally sound. I believe I can help him.

I am seeking outside perspective on how much contact I should have while he is in this transition period. My heart says I should move back in and give his recovery my all. My head says I should offer support from afar, because he has hurt me and put me in danger, and must feel the consequences of his actions. Ultimately I want what's best for his sobriety.

I would appreciate any opinions from anyone who has been in my shoes (or his). Thanks so much.

dollydo

"I believe I can help him."

You cannot, what's best for his soberity is for him to work a strong recovery program, take total responsibility for his recovery. He will get all the support he needs from his recovery group.

Honestly, you are not powerful enough to "cure" him, your ego is taking center stage.

If you haven't read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends Of Substance Abusers, I would suggest that you do so.

Attending Alanon meetings are a life line for codependents. And if you haven't read Codependent No More,now would be the time to do it.

What works when dealing with family members who are not in the throws of addiction is one thing, running to the rescue of, and, enabling an addict is the worst thing a family can do. Not my rules, just how it works...you may need to learn a new way to love..I would suggest.... with him....from afar.

Welcome, sorry that you are having to deal with addiction, read around these forums and keep posting.

marie1960

Welcome K123,

Glad you are here. Please make yourself at home.

The stickies at the top of the forum, are some of the truest testament to what living with an active alkie entails. It would be well worth your time to read them.

Sorry to say but this is "his disease" he has to own it. He is the only one that can choose if he is done drinking. There isn't a damn thing you can say or do to help him. IT"S ALL HIM. Love cannot cure this

. Nobody can be anybody's rock in this situation.

We are talking about ADDICTION. Addiction does what it wants, until the person addicted, chooses to end his relationship with alcohol, or his current drug of choice.

Please, DO NOT move back in with him. take this time to educate yourself. He has a long way to go right now, and there is no guarantee, so please take care of YOU.

K123

I regret using the words "help him" as it seems that's what you've focused on. Thank you for the barbs regarding my ego as that was what i was hoping to hear right now In "helping him" I do not mean to tell him everything is going to be ok and to forget everything that's happened. I mean to be someone to go to the movies with instead of sitting in a room watching people go through a 24 of beer over 4 hours. He is surrounded by enablers and friends who do not believe in addiction. He has informed them and told them he will not be around. My fear is that if I stay away and these people notice that he is sitting in a house all alone, they are guaranteed to stop by with a case of beer, and during this vulnerable period it's the worst that can happen.

marie1960

"My fear is that if I stay away and these people notice that he is sitting in a house all alone, they are guaranteed to stop by with a case of beer, and during this vulnerable period it's the worst that can happen. "

Saying this gently.....

So you are going to put your life on hold and babysit 24/7 ? i can safely say that will never ever work. It's a complete waste of your time.

He is a grown man, he has to choose. He will be an alcoholic the rest of his life, he has to come to terms with his disease. I don't know if the urge to drink ever leaves an alkie or not. Perhaps somebody else can answer that.

All I know for sure, is I lost over 5 years of my life aboard the crazy train, and i'm here to say, it's absolutely no way to choose to live.

Perhaps you could benefit from Al-Anon.

You cannot work a recovery program for him.

bunkie65

Sorry your hurting and love someone that is addicted, it totally sucks to watch a loved one destroy their self. We want to fix them, love them well, stand by their side, control what they do or don't do. The truth is we did not cause it can not cure it nor control it. From my experience living with active addiction was to much for me. I thought my love for my loved one was enough to make him stop. I learned that I too became sicker by living with it. The good news is as I sought help a meeting called alanon, thinking I would get answers on hhow to fix things I discovered I was his biggest enabler and I had alot to fix in me. So my fellow sufferer, there is hope for us ... in alnon I learned how to take care of me and get ahold of serinity in my life. It truly saved my life. I could go on and on sharing what alnon has done for me but I wont, instead I will pray for your loved one and you and strongly encourage you to attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if its for you. What can it hurt? I was in so much pain and confusion when I walked through those doors and I saw I was not alone and I listened and cried and shared and began a spiritual journey of my own and learned how to live ande let live. Prayers there is hope for your loved one but the choice is his and his alone. When someone begins recovery they recommend not getting into a relationship for at least a year. God bless

brownhorse

I do not think any of us can answer that question for you. Every alcoholic and situation is different. You sound to me like myself before I started attending Al-anon. Some of the comments my seem harsh, but they are meant to make you realize you are focusing on him. You are just as important as he is. You deserve a life free of worry and fear. That is why your family is concerned about you. Take time. You do not need to make this decision today or tomorrow. Learn about the disease and go to Al-anon before you decide. That is also the only way you can support him and stay strong if you do stay with him, anyway. LEARN, READ, and focus on you first.

EnglishGarden

Because alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful, during the first few years of recovery, his addict mind will try to set him up to drink again. One way this happens is through resentments. The alcoholic, for generally insignificant reasons, begins to resent the persons closest to him. This is the disease stirring up a fight, to create stress and drama and try to compel the alcoholic to drink.

The safer choice for you would be to live separately, work your own program, limit contact to lunch every couple weeks or something comparable. I would not "date" him nor have any expectations at all of equal, loving, honest partnership for at least one year into his sobriety and your recovery from codependence.

It is possible you will both get well, both make healthy friends in recovery circles, and become better friends with each other, eventually reuniting as a couple. But you must take the long view, and place that potential outcome in a very distant future. In the long months ahead, he has to quite literally transform his entire life and himself. He has to do this without you. You cannot give him anything he needs in this fragile period of recovery. You can remain in contact if you wish, of course, but what he needs will come from others in recovery. He will not be available, or able, to fufill his share of a relationship with you for at minimum one year, and perhaps much longer.

So, the question would be, how patient are you? I, personally, support those who want to give an alcoholic partner who has entered recovery time to get well. But it takes great strength to disengage, and requires a personal investment by the codependent to work her own vigorous recovery. Without that, she will not be good for him. And a recovering alcoholic deserves a good partner, just as we do.

Wishing you all the best for you both.

K123

Thank you everyone for your replies, especially those who shared personal experience. I do know what I have to do, and that is to limit contact, and certainly not move back in.

We are technically common-law. We own a home, dog, and business together. We have been together through this entire ordeal and have not broken up, so this is not a new relationship.

I do certainly have codependency issues (obviously) - that i will never deny. I will buy the book tomorrow on your advice.

After looking around though, I can't help but wonder if there is ever a situation in which the AlAnon doctrine solution is anything other than "WALK AWAY. FORGET IT. LEAVE." By and large it seems to be the blanket advice. Very jaded tone.

I would question any support group that did not explore all paths, even one that pushed "STAY. KEEP HOPING."

Maybe I should try it before I knock it.

Thanks again for all your help and prayers. God bless.

LaTeeDa

In my 20 year marriage, I tried to help in every way I could think of. Over time, all that help turned into doing many things that he could have, and should have done for himself. I became more like a parent than a partner, and he in turn became more like a dependent child. I took on more and more responsibility because I just did not trust his ability to do the things a normal adult should do. As a result, he became less and less responsible because he knew that I would pick up the slack. It is a chicken or egg question as to what came first--my over compensating or his irresponsibility.

Give him the dignity to recover for himself. Give him the opportunity to say no if someone drops by with a case. Let him do this for himself, without your intervention and attempts to control. His recovery will be much stronger for it.

And FWIW, I do not attend Alanon and never have, so this is experience, not "doctrine."

L

Spes

K

I'm not qualified to answer your questions and I wasn't going to reply but I will tell you that I have taken the other path you are looking at.

I am married to my AW whom I love dearly and she had tried to stop drinking at one time like your partner. I did leave her at one time but went back because I felt that I was obligated to help her since we had so much time invested together.

She relapsed and did not, and does not, want to stop. For the most part, she is not abusive to me but she is now dying from alcohol. I'm here because I'm trying to survive guilt and everything else I can't describe that is bothering me.

I'm not telling you to leave him. If I had to do it again, I would take the same path. I will not leave my AW but I will tell you I am hurting.

Read all you can and listen to the wonderful people here so you are aware of your future....whichever direction it takes.

I truly wish you well.

EnglishGarden

I recently read "When Love Is Not Enough." This is the story of Lois W., wife of Bill W., one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It had quite an impact on my thinking. I am always trying to sort through how I view addiction, recovery, codependence. So I read quite a bit, to see how something feels to me. I want to think for myself, based on personal experience as well as on the teachings of those with decades of experience in addiction, as addicts, or as doctors or counselors. I want to have my own knowing and to be able to make choices based on that. So I study and think and reflect.

As I read Lois' story, I was reminded that we can never know through what means God works in anyone's life, we can never know looking at a situation which seems so chaotic and hopeless what the outcome may be, nor what that outcome may birth. Even an addict's death from the disease could be part of a greater healing taking place in ways we cannot possibly know.

Lois' life with Bill was a living hell for many many years, and they were both made very mentally and emotionally sick by the disease. Lois did all the wrong things for years by enabling Bill. And she stayed with him in the most degrading of circumstances, shocking those who knew her, as she was a refined, intelligent woman with very strong values.

Later in life, after she had helped start Al-Anon, she held herself accountable for the times she allowed his disease to control her life and her marriage, and she knew later, and said so, that by not allowing Bill to experience the full consequences of his disease (which should have included losing her), she contributed to prolonging his bottom.

Yet....even so.....how can anyone read their story and not feel that things happened exactly as they were meant to? It is humbling to read their story, and to realize that even in darkness and pain something necessary is being born.

I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting in 1986, in the same neighborhood where Bill W. met Bob S. and changed the history of the world. In Akron, Ohio. I was very young and very traumatized by my alcoholic husband.

And no one in my Al-Anon meeting there in Akron, or ever in any of the cities I've lived in, advocated anything but the spouse working the 12 Steps herself. When we do this, and attend to our own sickness as Lois had eventually to do, our answers come. They come from within us, not from someone outside.

What I find lacking today in recovery so often is the patience to allow change to happen, to allow the newly sober alcoholic to work his program with all his heart while the codependent--entirely independently of him--works hers. We are a society of instant gratification.

Bill W. was unavailable to Lois for so many years because he was drunk in an alley somewhere. And then he was unavailable to her for so many years because he was trying to save some drunk in an alley somewhere.

She learned to live her own life. And that is something I see so many codependents unable to do.

You have a history with your partner, he has bottomed out and is seeking desperate help, and if you both work a program and listen to long-timers who know more than you about how to get well, you may find a fulfilling life together as equal partners.

Katiekate

After looking around though, I can't help but wonder if there is ever a situation in which the AlAnon doctrine solution is anything other than "WALK AWAY. FORGET IT. LEAVE." By and large it seems to be the blanket advice. Very jaded tone.


You do have to detach , in a big way and commit to yourself. Walking away does not erase the possibility of future togetherness, but what it does do is gives you time to surrender, gives you time to see how you can contribute in a healthy way. More importantly it will give you time to see who your A really is, and who you really are, I dont think any of us really know that when we are living in chaos, survival becomes the priority.

Alcohol is a terrorist, it takes a lot of guts to stare it down.

bunkie65

Just a add to your reply. Alnon does not tell anyone what to do and many loved ones stay with or are able to live with someone drinking. For I could not, my ex had a drug problem and it became dangerous for me and are sons. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, leave someone I loved. It took a long time for me to let go of the hurt and anger but when I did it was so freeing. Today my ex and I talk and still love one another but do not live together. Don't know wht the future holds for us but he has thanked me for leaving, saying he would not of hit the bottoms he did had I of stayed and continued to enable him and be part of the problem. The program is one of experience strength and hope. Asking for Gods will for your life and praying for the serinity to accept the things you can not change the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. I too felt like you did. You and only you choose what is best for your situation. God bless

stilllearning

"After looking around though, I can't help but wonder if there is ever a situation in which the AlAnon doctrine solution is anything other than "WALK AWAY. FORGET IT. LEAVE." By and large it seems to be the blanket advice. Very jaded tone."

This isn't the AlAnon doctrine solution, not at all. You're more likely to read that on these boards - but this isn't AlAnon and not everyone on here (by a long shot) is in an AlAnon group. Some people are, some aren't. And by its nature, you'll get opinions on a discussion board where you ask for feedback. If you ask a board of codependents for feedback, believe me, you'll get opinions :-)

In AlAnon, people will not tell you what to "do" about the alcoholic in your life. You'll get empathy and people might suggest that you focus on the steps or some of the principles of the program - but overwhelmingly the focus is on you. In the first year in my group I could count less than a dozen shares that we about what the alcoholic said or did. A lot of people haven't lived with an alcoholic for years and are still there, working a good program to help them live better lives after being affected by the family disease of alcoholism.

If you don't want to leave your boyfriend, you don't have to. But you can't save him - and as an alcoholic with seven years sobriety I'm here to tell you that absolutely nothing you do will get or keep him sober. That's what AlAnon will teach you - that it doesn't matter whether you stay or leave. The disease will take its course until he decides whether to choose recovery.

The first step is to admit that you're powerless over alcohol. For the AlAnonic that might involve looking at all the ways we've tried to "help". Counting drinks. Picking them up in the middle of the night. Bailing them out. Begging. Cajoling. Crying. No effect. It takes a while for that one to sink in but it's totally liberating.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You, personally, absolutely cannot cure it. Took me a year to really "get" that step and feel it at a cellular level. Most of the work had nothing whatsoever to do with the alcoholic.

It's up to him whether he gets better or not and the same holds true for codependents and AlAnonics.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

SL.

MarkstheSpot

Well, I'm in his shoes, and all I can say is that Mrs Marksthespot has been incredible in my recovery. Absolutely amazing. I can't tell you how much it means to me when she tells me how proud she is of me (God knows I don't deserve it), and how I'm a better person when I'm sober, how I'm looking better etc. She never rubs all the bad stuff in my face, she just gives me a reason to stay strong. Without her, well, I'm not saying I'd go back to the booze, but I'd have far less motivation to stay off it.

Good luck, K123.

Anappleaday

Five years ago I was in your shoes. My AH was out of control. He went to treatment and through counseling at the treatment center I learned about alanon and found sober recovery. I have been to alanon meetings on and off but am not a regular attendee.
I received alot of advice and support to help me understand about alchoholism. I had been around enough other alchoholics to see how destructive the disease is, but nothing compared to living the nightmare in your own home. This disease can turn your place of paradise into a living h***.

In my situation this was my 2nd marriage and my kids were grown and out on their own. I had people tell me it was MY choice to stay or go and others that told me to get out while I could. My AH did some horrible things that I think many people would find unforgivable. In the end I made the choice to stay. It has not been an easy road and I know from reading the posts that although there are still "issues" and the situation has improved drastically from 5 years ago, alchoholics can not and do not find sobriety just because someone loves them. They have to want sobriety for themselves.

He does appreciate that I stayed and he does thank me for it. But I also know there is no way that I can be certain that he will not return to the out of control drinking and behaviors that go along with it. I think we will always be a work in progress, but BOTH of us have to be working on it.

I will say that had I not found the truth about alchoholism I would have likely continued enabling him without seeing what I was doing and had he not done something to work on HIS problem I would not have stayed.

Many people have been through extremely rough times with an A and don't want to see anyone else go through what they have. Ultimately the choice is up to you but everyone that has been in your shoes would want you to make those decisions with your eyes wide open.

Tuffgirl

I too made this same mistake in my thinking...that if I could just "do" something, anything, hopefully the right thing, I could fix it all.

Well I didn't break him, why did I think I could fix him? I was so arrogant until Al-Anon taught me the lessons I take forward today. These are grown ups we are talking about. They have choices and rights just like we do. It is HIS responsibility as a man to fix his own problems. Detaching doesn't mean leave, forget it. It means let go of the back of his shirt. Turn that focus and that energy back on yourself and make sure, no matter what, that you live your own life. That's healthy!

And as the others said, recovery is a long process. Things won't miraculously change when he puts the bottle down. He has some growing up to do. If you decide to stay with the relationship through this, Al-Anon can definitely help you find your place of peace in the midst of chaos.

Breaks my heart to read your post...so much like my first post here. And boy have I changed my tune after all this time. And I am a much better person for it.

Take good care,
~T

SoaringSpirits

I read here at SR "Work the program you wish they were working" and it really hit home for me.

I know I have no control over what my AH does, but I can control what actions I take. So I am working Al Anon, going to counseling, and working on ME. My husband will do whatever he will do. I have no control over him.

You can always get back together after some time has passed and you have seen by his ACTIONS that he is serious about sobriety and recovery. Until then, focus on YOU and what YOU want in your own life. You both deserve the dignity of making your own decision.

changeschoices

If you could help him, you would've done so already. I know that sounds harsh, but what I mean is, if it really were possible to help him, someone with your level of caring, compassion, and support would have been able to achieve it. And you can't. Only he can help himself. You can care, but you have to stay detached.

If you move in with him, you can't keep him from drinking or keep away the bad influencers. I lived with my XA and he left me many nights to drink in bars and hotel rooms with other drunks.

I remember talking to a friend about a mutual old high school friend who is a drug addict. My friend said, "Short of chaining him to the radiator to keep him from going out to buy more drugs, there was nothing I could do to help him." That's the reality.

The best thing you can do for him is help yourself. If he wants to get help, you will be a strong person who can be there for him without enabling him.