Gotta move on....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 6
Gotta move on....
First I would like to say thank you to this site, as it has been a tremendous comfort reading other posts recently. I am new to SR and am very thankful to have found it!
I have been in an up and down relationship with my XABF for the past 4 years. We lived together for the first part of our relationship and then in August of 2010 I moved out because I just couldn't take the drinking, lies, manipulation, and having to support him. At the time I was paying for us, his 3 children, and his brother to live. His brother stayed with us for a solid month and all they did was drink all day and play. I just couldn't take being taken advantage of anymore. Unfortunately, I kept seeing him and while I had moved out, I was there more often than not. Then it became a battle of him wanting me to move back in and me saying "not until you are sober and have your life together." I mistakenly thought I was enough of a motivator, but alas we are not what motivates an alcoholic.
He ended up moving about an hour away and we still were together on the weekends but his drinking became more and more out of control and he finally started saying that he wasn't going to change and I just needed to accept that.
A little over a month ago his drinking had gotten so bad that he almost ran over a 3 year old in the parking lot of his complex. His neighbor filled me in on his erratic behavior and that he was now leaving his kids with her on a regular basis when I wasn't around. I talked to his dad and him and he agreed to go to rehab. Unfortunately, he only stayed about an hour. This caused a horrible fight between he and his father and his dad, having had enough, committed suicide that very night. I was there for my XABF and the kids through the funeral and the pain. After a few weeks he tells me he just needs to grieve alone and I agree to let him grieve in his own way and try to be supportive. Long story short, he wasnt alone at all. He was cheating on me and had been since before his father died. It was the one thing he swore to me he would never do. I have blocked his phone and went no contact after the very emotional confrontation. He got through to me a couple of days ago from another phone and couldn't apologize enough. No explanations, just sorry he hurt me. I really wanted the apology, but after I got it, it didnt make things any easier.
I don't want to take him back, I just want to move on. I want to stop feeling like I'm not good enough. That if I wasn't good enough for him then there's no hope for me. Our relationship did not provide me with many blessings except that He used to make me feel like I was the most desirable woman on the planet and it makes me sick to think he is doing the same thing for someone else now. I am not a stupid woman. I have a masters degree and a good job, but this has made me feel like a complete idiot! For tolerating it, and not being strong enough to move on two years ago.
I was so good to him supporting him and his family for so long, trying to help him through his addiction and his grief and he just threw me away. How do you stay focused on the bad so you can move on? I miss his kids so much it hurts, they felt like they were mine for the past 4 years and now I don't even get to see them. I don't want to miss him, but how do I do that?
Sorry for the long post!
I have been in an up and down relationship with my XABF for the past 4 years. We lived together for the first part of our relationship and then in August of 2010 I moved out because I just couldn't take the drinking, lies, manipulation, and having to support him. At the time I was paying for us, his 3 children, and his brother to live. His brother stayed with us for a solid month and all they did was drink all day and play. I just couldn't take being taken advantage of anymore. Unfortunately, I kept seeing him and while I had moved out, I was there more often than not. Then it became a battle of him wanting me to move back in and me saying "not until you are sober and have your life together." I mistakenly thought I was enough of a motivator, but alas we are not what motivates an alcoholic.
He ended up moving about an hour away and we still were together on the weekends but his drinking became more and more out of control and he finally started saying that he wasn't going to change and I just needed to accept that.
A little over a month ago his drinking had gotten so bad that he almost ran over a 3 year old in the parking lot of his complex. His neighbor filled me in on his erratic behavior and that he was now leaving his kids with her on a regular basis when I wasn't around. I talked to his dad and him and he agreed to go to rehab. Unfortunately, he only stayed about an hour. This caused a horrible fight between he and his father and his dad, having had enough, committed suicide that very night. I was there for my XABF and the kids through the funeral and the pain. After a few weeks he tells me he just needs to grieve alone and I agree to let him grieve in his own way and try to be supportive. Long story short, he wasnt alone at all. He was cheating on me and had been since before his father died. It was the one thing he swore to me he would never do. I have blocked his phone and went no contact after the very emotional confrontation. He got through to me a couple of days ago from another phone and couldn't apologize enough. No explanations, just sorry he hurt me. I really wanted the apology, but after I got it, it didnt make things any easier.
I don't want to take him back, I just want to move on. I want to stop feeling like I'm not good enough. That if I wasn't good enough for him then there's no hope for me. Our relationship did not provide me with many blessings except that He used to make me feel like I was the most desirable woman on the planet and it makes me sick to think he is doing the same thing for someone else now. I am not a stupid woman. I have a masters degree and a good job, but this has made me feel like a complete idiot! For tolerating it, and not being strong enough to move on two years ago.
I was so good to him supporting him and his family for so long, trying to help him through his addiction and his grief and he just threw me away. How do you stay focused on the bad so you can move on? I miss his kids so much it hurts, they felt like they were mine for the past 4 years and now I don't even get to see them. I don't want to miss him, but how do I do that?
Sorry for the long post!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,848
I'm so sorry you have been going through so much turmoil. Unfortunately, that is all life with an alcoholic is.
He ended up moving about an hour away and we still were together on the weekends but his drinking became more and more out of control and he finally started saying that he wasn't going to change and I just needed to accept that.
He is spot on about that. You DO need to accept that he is not going to change. He has flat out told you, so believe him. While it is sad about the kids, there's really nothing you can do since they aren't biologically yours. That is the part that hurts the most. I have been through it, so I know.
It's time for you to take care of yourself, hon. The "no contact" is good and if he manages to get through to you using another number, just hang up as soon as you know it is him. Don't answer calls from numbers you don't know. It will take time to get through this, but you can do it. You sound like a smart, strong woman. You just need to put yourself first now.
He ended up moving about an hour away and we still were together on the weekends but his drinking became more and more out of control and he finally started saying that he wasn't going to change and I just needed to accept that.
He is spot on about that. You DO need to accept that he is not going to change. He has flat out told you, so believe him. While it is sad about the kids, there's really nothing you can do since they aren't biologically yours. That is the part that hurts the most. I have been through it, so I know.
It's time for you to take care of yourself, hon. The "no contact" is good and if he manages to get through to you using another number, just hang up as soon as you know it is him. Don't answer calls from numbers you don't know. It will take time to get through this, but you can do it. You sound like a smart, strong woman. You just need to put yourself first now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 43
Perky, Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here to help guide you on your path to personal recovery. You are doing the right thing. Noone deserves to be treated with disrespect or physically abused. Please do yourself a favor and search for an Al Anon group in your area.They can be a source of great comfort. You will learn there is a better way to live your life.
The best of luck to you.
The best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Perky
I'm pretty new here too, so don't really have advice, but I'm glad you have also found SR, and hope you can find some strength from the stories of the amazing people on here.
Your story is just tragic and really struck me. It is a very sad example of how alcoholism tears families apart. Alcoholism and addiction is rampant in my AH's immediate and extended family (on his mother's side). His cousin tried to take his own life 2 nights ago - drug addiction being his main problem but alcohol also being a factor. The addiction issues come from my AH's mother and her sister, and probably from their parents before them, although I can only go on little bits I've heard about them.
I can imagine your heartache over your XABF's kids. One of the things I dread when I eventually move on is possibly never seeing AH's nieces and nephews again, but that is a sad reality I will face one day.
Adventure
I'm pretty new here too, so don't really have advice, but I'm glad you have also found SR, and hope you can find some strength from the stories of the amazing people on here.
Your story is just tragic and really struck me. It is a very sad example of how alcoholism tears families apart. Alcoholism and addiction is rampant in my AH's immediate and extended family (on his mother's side). His cousin tried to take his own life 2 nights ago - drug addiction being his main problem but alcohol also being a factor. The addiction issues come from my AH's mother and her sister, and probably from their parents before them, although I can only go on little bits I've heard about them.
I can imagine your heartache over your XABF's kids. One of the things I dread when I eventually move on is possibly never seeing AH's nieces and nephews again, but that is a sad reality I will face one day.
Adventure
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I don't want to take him back, I just want to move on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
How do you stay focused on the bad?
Well... I have 20 years of e-mails to friends and diary entries to remind me what life with an alcoholic is like. I also have a blog (that I've kept private) that I started when I left AXH, where I documented the insanity of leaving an alcoholic. I can pull out any or all of that when I forget and start getting nostalgic about the life we had.
I don't know if starting to write things down, the horrid bad experiences when he was drunk and how it messed up your life, would be helpful for you now, though? It may actually hold you back more than it moves you forward.
I would, however, definitely recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and visiting a few Al-Anon meetings. You don't have to go back in your mind to the relationship you left to recognize it from other people's stories, and you will find healing and a way to recovery in those places. And here.
Well... I have 20 years of e-mails to friends and diary entries to remind me what life with an alcoholic is like. I also have a blog (that I've kept private) that I started when I left AXH, where I documented the insanity of leaving an alcoholic. I can pull out any or all of that when I forget and start getting nostalgic about the life we had.
I don't know if starting to write things down, the horrid bad experiences when he was drunk and how it messed up your life, would be helpful for you now, though? It may actually hold you back more than it moves you forward.
I would, however, definitely recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and visiting a few Al-Anon meetings. You don't have to go back in your mind to the relationship you left to recognize it from other people's stories, and you will find healing and a way to recovery in those places. And here.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He told you who he is...believe him.
" I am not a stupid woman. I have a masters degree and a good job."
It's really not about your Brain IQ...it is about your Emotional IQ...I know, I have been there. Many here are well educated and/or have good jobs...yet, we still fall for the addicts manipulation...because we think with our heart and not our head. That is what we codependents do, until we work our own recovery program, day in and day out, one small step at a time.
Take some time to read all the stickies at the top of this page and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers...lots of good information at your fingertips.
" I am not a stupid woman. I have a masters degree and a good job."
It's really not about your Brain IQ...it is about your Emotional IQ...I know, I have been there. Many here are well educated and/or have good jobs...yet, we still fall for the addicts manipulation...because we think with our heart and not our head. That is what we codependents do, until we work our own recovery program, day in and day out, one small step at a time.
Take some time to read all the stickies at the top of this page and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers...lots of good information at your fingertips.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Absolutely...
...in my years of dealing with this disease, I've observed it is often the peole with the highest IQs making the worst decisions.
I think it's because they always think they can fix things no matter what by virtue of their big brains. I'm not kidding-- I have a master's degree and a good job too and I did the same thing.
Some things can't be "thought around or intellectualized" in my opinion, and alcoholism is one of them. It doesn't follow the rules, can't be controlled, and can't be cured. It's just that we, with our "love can heal anything ********" often think we can control it and cure it.
The hardest part for some people I think, is accepting that they can't control it. You say that to some people and it's like you told them their children are ugly and stupid-- they come off the rails-- "how dare you say I have no control over this!" Then they start coming at you with statistics for various treatment programs, counseling, etc., which is so incredibly funny I can barely stand it. Here's a statistic for you-- 87.9 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. They also don't matter at all-- a particular program works for a particular person, or it does not. That's it.
But, I'll say it again, the only people that can control their drinking are people who are not alcoholics, or people who are alcoholics but who:
Without those two things everything else is a waste of time.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
I think it's because they always think they can fix things no matter what by virtue of their big brains. I'm not kidding-- I have a master's degree and a good job too and I did the same thing.
Some things can't be "thought around or intellectualized" in my opinion, and alcoholism is one of them. It doesn't follow the rules, can't be controlled, and can't be cured. It's just that we, with our "love can heal anything ********" often think we can control it and cure it.
The hardest part for some people I think, is accepting that they can't control it. You say that to some people and it's like you told them their children are ugly and stupid-- they come off the rails-- "how dare you say I have no control over this!" Then they start coming at you with statistics for various treatment programs, counseling, etc., which is so incredibly funny I can barely stand it. Here's a statistic for you-- 87.9 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. They also don't matter at all-- a particular program works for a particular person, or it does not. That's it.
But, I'll say it again, the only people that can control their drinking are people who are not alcoholics, or people who are alcoholics but who:
- Admit they are alcoholics and believe it in their very core.
- Want to quit drinking.
- Find a treatment program, or alternative to treatment programs as some like to call their programs, and commit to it and follow its rules.
Without those two things everything else is a waste of time.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by dollydo 
He told you who he is...believe him.
" I am not a stupid woman. I have a masters degree and a good job."
It's really not about your Brain IQ...it is about your Emotional IQ...I know, I have been there. Many here are well educated and/or have good jobs...yet, we still fall for the addicts manipulation...because we think with our heart and not our head. That is what we codependents do, until we work our own recovery program, day in and day out, one small step at a time.
Take some time to read all the stickies at the top of this page and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers...lots of good information at your fingertips.
" I am not a stupid woman. I have a masters degree and a good job."
It's really not about your Brain IQ...it is about your Emotional IQ...I know, I have been there. Many here are well educated and/or have good jobs...yet, we still fall for the addicts manipulation...because we think with our heart and not our head. That is what we codependents do, until we work our own recovery program, day in and day out, one small step at a time.
Take some time to read all the stickies at the top of this page and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers...lots of good information at your fingertips.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 6
Thanks
Thank you all for your posts. It's unbelievable that strangers can help you cope with something that makes you feel all alone. I have maintained the no contact but it is still hard. I miss him for some strange reason. Maybe I miss the constant project I seemed to have before me. Of course I still miss his touch. I still struggle with the what if I had done that and what if this.... I understand that we sometimes think we can fix these out of control situations. But we can't. I want to scream at the girl he is with now-- tell her to run, to save her heart and her wallet, but I am sure she will figure it out one day. I keep telling myself that she isn't better than me, she isn't going to solve this problem. I just wish I could believe it. I know in my head that he found her to enable him, because I wasn't doing it anymore. I want him to hurt like I do or at least acknowledge that he hurt me. His son called me to wish me a happy birthday last week and he managed to say that my XABF picked her because she had a Mercedes. I guess he thinks she has the money to support him for a while. It's all just so sad.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Perky, so many of the same things have happened to me. I was a tortured soul for over two years because of being with my XA. I loved him so much, missed him horribly when we were apart, and felt sick at the thought of him being with someone else.
I don't know why or how, but by the grace of God, I finally fell out of love with him recently and broke up with him. I can't explain how it happened. I started to get sick of the "constant project." I longed for a normal life with him. I realized that it wasn't going to happen unless he quit drinking. Somehow, I found the strength to give him the ultimatum: get help or you're out of my life. And he drank again, and I made him leave.
Every day since I broke up with him gets easier. Sometimes I can't even believe I had the strength and self-love to end it. I think maybe just having told myself, "You have to follow through on your ultimatum no matter what or I have no respect for you!" was the push I needed. I'm a perfectionist in many ways, and it would kill me to not follow through on something, lol!
I believe my falling out of love with him was something deep inside me saying "no more". There is a better way of life out there for me, but I won't achieve it if I'm with the A. There is a better man out there for me, but I won't find him if I'm with the A.
You have to believe it, even when you don't believe it. You have to have faith. One thing that helped me leave the A is my belief that God loves me and doesn't want me to hurt myself by living with an A. That I have a moral obligation to not let someone hurt me.
Maybe the tipping point was my XA leaving me at home one night toward the end of our relationship and staying out drinking in a bar til 2 a.m. Was he hitting on other women at the bar? I have no way of knowing, but infidelity has always been the one thing that I can't tolerate. It's the one thing that makes my heart switch off and I'm done, never to have feelings for that person again.
I don't know why I just rambled on like that. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in what you've been through.
I don't know why or how, but by the grace of God, I finally fell out of love with him recently and broke up with him. I can't explain how it happened. I started to get sick of the "constant project." I longed for a normal life with him. I realized that it wasn't going to happen unless he quit drinking. Somehow, I found the strength to give him the ultimatum: get help or you're out of my life. And he drank again, and I made him leave.
Every day since I broke up with him gets easier. Sometimes I can't even believe I had the strength and self-love to end it. I think maybe just having told myself, "You have to follow through on your ultimatum no matter what or I have no respect for you!" was the push I needed. I'm a perfectionist in many ways, and it would kill me to not follow through on something, lol!
I believe my falling out of love with him was something deep inside me saying "no more". There is a better way of life out there for me, but I won't achieve it if I'm with the A. There is a better man out there for me, but I won't find him if I'm with the A.
You have to believe it, even when you don't believe it. You have to have faith. One thing that helped me leave the A is my belief that God loves me and doesn't want me to hurt myself by living with an A. That I have a moral obligation to not let someone hurt me.
Maybe the tipping point was my XA leaving me at home one night toward the end of our relationship and staying out drinking in a bar til 2 a.m. Was he hitting on other women at the bar? I have no way of knowing, but infidelity has always been the one thing that I can't tolerate. It's the one thing that makes my heart switch off and I'm done, never to have feelings for that person again.
I don't know why I just rambled on like that.
I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in what you've been through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Some things can't be "thought around or intellectualized" in my opinion, and alcoholism is one of them. It doesn't follow the rules, can't be controlled, and can't be cured. It's just that we, with our "love can heal anything ********" often think we can control it and cure it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I also had those thoughts, Perky, after losing a relationship with an addict: what if I had done this, what if I had done that. I wanted a second chance. I didn't understand, at the time, that he was sick, a mad man, and his morality out the window. I kept focusing on me.....and wondering, if I were just prettier, or more dramatic and enlivening, if I were sultry like a Hollywood siren, if I were just someone other than who I am and had done everything just right.....would he have wanted me enough..... I never had those thoughts with break-ups with normal men. But the addict blindsiding just crippled my self-esteem.
Relationships of addiction are built on illusion...and we just don't see the train coming. We believe what is not real, because it is built on lies, and we don't know. We don't see the crash coming.
Sometimes I thought, with my particular addict, that maybe I just wasn't sick enough to hold his interest. It's pretty sad when we wish we were maybe more psychotic! We'd light him up then!
I knew, and know, that I had such hopes, and that my pain was real, and I did suffer, no matter how much I might know about addicts and be able to explain away the damage they do. Fire is fire, it burns.
I'm so sorry about your grief in losing connection with his children. I have a couple friends in recovery who also had that loss, and my friends felt they had lost the very foundation of life....the partner, the children, the home.
And your grief about his infidelity....you must feel quite sick about the lies you believed. What a shock to your mind. And there you were, at the father's funeral, unaware. Addicts keep secrets. They keep a lot of them. It is all poisonous and nothing good grows from it. Everything withers. He will not succeed in relationship, with anyone. And he may even come knocking on your door again in due time. It's what addicts do.
I just want to say I hope you get all the loving support you need in the coming weeks and months as you glue your pieces back together again. You will be whole again, eventually. And stronger than ever. There are rewards, when we do our work.
Relationships of addiction are built on illusion...and we just don't see the train coming. We believe what is not real, because it is built on lies, and we don't know. We don't see the crash coming.
Sometimes I thought, with my particular addict, that maybe I just wasn't sick enough to hold his interest. It's pretty sad when we wish we were maybe more psychotic! We'd light him up then!
I knew, and know, that I had such hopes, and that my pain was real, and I did suffer, no matter how much I might know about addicts and be able to explain away the damage they do. Fire is fire, it burns.
I'm so sorry about your grief in losing connection with his children. I have a couple friends in recovery who also had that loss, and my friends felt they had lost the very foundation of life....the partner, the children, the home.
And your grief about his infidelity....you must feel quite sick about the lies you believed. What a shock to your mind. And there you were, at the father's funeral, unaware. Addicts keep secrets. They keep a lot of them. It is all poisonous and nothing good grows from it. Everything withers. He will not succeed in relationship, with anyone. And he may even come knocking on your door again in due time. It's what addicts do.
I just want to say I hope you get all the loving support you need in the coming weeks and months as you glue your pieces back together again. You will be whole again, eventually. And stronger than ever. There are rewards, when we do our work.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Perky....ugh your story is so familiar in some ways. I understand that you want him to hurt like you do and feel that heart wrenching deep pain and sadness. What I uncovered is that I was hoping my RXAB would finally get it and change if he knew how badly he hurt and destroyed me.
Guess what??? He can't know how badly he hurt me or truly get it just as I will never understand the mind and deep self hatred if an addict. Recovering or not.
What helps me when I start fantasizing about my ex is to ask my self questions like:
- what dis he contribute consistently to the relationship without a selfish motive?
Answer: nothing
-what is the real likelihood he will drastically change these toxic behaviors (keep in mine my ex is 8 months sober and in a program)?
Answer:extremely low likelihood
-am I missing the idea of him or what he could be "if only" or am I really missing him for who he is right now today?
Answer: I'm missing what I thought it could be, we could be, he could be
I admire the love you have for his children. Clearly you have made a wonderful impact on their lives during all if the chaos.
BIG HUG
Guess what??? He can't know how badly he hurt me or truly get it just as I will never understand the mind and deep self hatred if an addict. Recovering or not.
What helps me when I start fantasizing about my ex is to ask my self questions like:
- what dis he contribute consistently to the relationship without a selfish motive?
Answer: nothing
-what is the real likelihood he will drastically change these toxic behaviors (keep in mine my ex is 8 months sober and in a program)?
Answer:extremely low likelihood
-am I missing the idea of him or what he could be "if only" or am I really missing him for who he is right now today?
Answer: I'm missing what I thought it could be, we could be, he could be
I admire the love you have for his children. Clearly you have made a wonderful impact on their lives during all if the chaos.
BIG HUG
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