Just found XABF on the dating sites...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by inpieces314 
"They" are the drug addicts.
And I didn't know it was him who called, he has no phone, how the hell was I supposed to know that he would use some random dude's phone from work? I have my own work to deal with, when numbers from that area code show up, I answer, because I live in one state and work in another. I didn't even know he was AT work. And when he told me, I said I don't know what to tell you, gotta go. Click.
And I didn't know it was him who called, he has no phone, how the hell was I supposed to know that he would use some random dude's phone from work? I have my own work to deal with, when numbers from that area code show up, I answer, because I live in one state and work in another. I didn't even know he was AT work. And when he told me, I said I don't know what to tell you, gotta go. Click.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Itsmylifenow,
I just this week removed the last fake profile I created to check on my XAH, yes, it is hard to see them online dating. The funny thing is that he hit my "fake online profile" and wanted to "walk at the park" with me to get to know me, I was lmao, he came up with the SAME stupid lines he told me when I met him 17 years ago.
Yes, It took me a while, yes he has been in few short "relationships" after all I have my own relationship with a normie. I know my boyfriend's family, I know his children (they love him a lot), I have checked on him and he is real.(my trust issue).
Those that don't check on their dates and beleive every thing they say better be ready for some cruel disappointments.
Take your time, your pain is YOUR pain and no one elses, you will get over this, I did, just do not call him, don't feed his ego.
You are not alone.
I just this week removed the last fake profile I created to check on my XAH, yes, it is hard to see them online dating. The funny thing is that he hit my "fake online profile" and wanted to "walk at the park" with me to get to know me, I was lmao, he came up with the SAME stupid lines he told me when I met him 17 years ago.
Yes, It took me a while, yes he has been in few short "relationships" after all I have my own relationship with a normie. I know my boyfriend's family, I know his children (they love him a lot), I have checked on him and he is real.(my trust issue).
Those that don't check on their dates and beleive every thing they say better be ready for some cruel disappointments.
Take your time, your pain is YOUR pain and no one elses, you will get over this, I did, just do not call him, don't feed his ego.
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11
I am new to this site, but need help. I am a newly single mother of a toddler with an newly active alcoholic ex-fiance whom I love with all my heart and has destroyed me with his two and a half years of broken promises and downward spirals. He had been sober for a month and a half and threw it all away in one night after making new "friends" at a new job. It is the last straw and I filed an HRO and called the police three nights in a row for DUI with my car, and being at our apartment with his drunk buddies causing a disturbance.
He has never worked, he is younger than I and I met him when he was in jail. I believed his dreams of a good life and leaving the **** behind. I was so in love before I saw the alcoholism and the lies and the violence. I keep thinking I could inspire him to be a better man, but his demon is so strong.
so here I am feeling sick and lonely and guilty. And my worst fear is he will find someone else too. And the internet does suck. Actually my worst fear is he will find his sobriety and happiness and it will be with some other woman and not me. That some other woman will inspire him and reap the benefits of his recovery.
Sad huh?
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you my little story and say I know how you feel. I am tempted to search facebook and such, and would probably find him pumping his ego flirting with younger more attractive girls that will put up with his party lifestyle.
He has never worked, he is younger than I and I met him when he was in jail. I believed his dreams of a good life and leaving the **** behind. I was so in love before I saw the alcoholism and the lies and the violence. I keep thinking I could inspire him to be a better man, but his demon is so strong.
so here I am feeling sick and lonely and guilty. And my worst fear is he will find someone else too. And the internet does suck. Actually my worst fear is he will find his sobriety and happiness and it will be with some other woman and not me. That some other woman will inspire him and reap the benefits of his recovery.
Sad huh?
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you my little story and say I know how you feel. I am tempted to search facebook and such, and would probably find him pumping his ego flirting with younger more attractive girls that will put up with his party lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Good God...
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
... I have checked periodically and sure enough today there was his profile.
What will it take for you to let go, move on with your life, and either live unencumbered by a boyfriend or one that can act like a grown-ass man?
Cyranoak
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I met my guy through a singles group that organized events on line but actually went out to places. We were friends first before we got involved. But, he was a bar fly and met quite a few women there. All that charm and good looks....
I haven't called him and am trying to avoid the dating site. I have gone through something similar in the past where I got obsessive over an ex...just couldn't let him go. But, eventually I did and I'm trying to use that experience to move along now.
Part of the issue with this for me is that we have taken this road before and seem to always get back together or try again or something. And, every time I say it's different and that he won't come back for me or try and contact me. This time he sounds like he is truly done, as I have been over and over, and has moved on to finding someone else.
I'm processing the whole thing and accepting it's done while really trying to heal the little part in me that holds on to him...the loving me part. I have an issue with that which is what keeps this going in my head long beyond what it should be.
I am happy to come here to vent...my friends and family have heard enough and I'm reluctant to say to them things are really done this time because they've heard me say it a half a dozen times before.
So, although I can move on, there is this little gnawing at the back of my brain wondering if the cycle is going to start over again. The clown has hit me on the head so many times that I'm just conditioned to believe it will keep happening.
I haven't called him and am trying to avoid the dating site. I have gone through something similar in the past where I got obsessive over an ex...just couldn't let him go. But, eventually I did and I'm trying to use that experience to move along now.
Part of the issue with this for me is that we have taken this road before and seem to always get back together or try again or something. And, every time I say it's different and that he won't come back for me or try and contact me. This time he sounds like he is truly done, as I have been over and over, and has moved on to finding someone else.
I'm processing the whole thing and accepting it's done while really trying to heal the little part in me that holds on to him...the loving me part. I have an issue with that which is what keeps this going in my head long beyond what it should be.
I am happy to come here to vent...my friends and family have heard enough and I'm reluctant to say to them things are really done this time because they've heard me say it a half a dozen times before.
So, although I can move on, there is this little gnawing at the back of my brain wondering if the cycle is going to start over again. The clown has hit me on the head so many times that I'm just conditioned to believe it will keep happening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Anvilhead's right...
It's so easy to say the words. Everybody knows what they are, and some people are so desperate to hear them from anybody that they don't even notice the actions don't match the words. I could, if I wanted to, tell any woman exactly what she wants to hear and I could do it any time with a 99 percent chance of getting it right. Alcoholics and addicts are even better at it than I am.
Love isn't something you say, it's something you do. The reason I believe my recovering alcoholic wife loves me is because her actions are demonstrating that consistently and in a sustained fashion (not one time, or manifested through one gift, or one short period of sobriety). It doesn't have a damn thing to do with what she says.
Cyranoak
Love isn't something you say, it's something you do. The reason I believe my recovering alcoholic wife loves me is because her actions are demonstrating that consistently and in a sustained fashion (not one time, or manifested through one gift, or one short period of sobriety). It doesn't have a damn thing to do with what she says.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by anvilhead
what if......he never truly loved you? what if it was simply beyond his capacity to do anything more than mouth the words, like a trained parrot?
part of the pattern you are in now is the come here, go away part....i leave, you chase, i come back...or you leave, i chase, you come back. has nothing to do with LOVE, it's all about #winning, as Charlie Sheen would tweet. the object of affection becomes just that...an object, something to possess, something we can't let anybody else have, even if we don't want it anymore, cuz dangit its OURS.
he's a player, a liar, a drunk...probably a guy just lookin' to have a "good time" without a whole bunch of fuss but who can't do "alone" so well and so is always on the hunt for something with a pulse.........
part of the pattern you are in now is the come here, go away part....i leave, you chase, i come back...or you leave, i chase, you come back. has nothing to do with LOVE, it's all about #winning, as Charlie Sheen would tweet. the object of affection becomes just that...an object, something to possess, something we can't let anybody else have, even if we don't want it anymore, cuz dangit its OURS.
he's a player, a liar, a drunk...probably a guy just lookin' to have a "good time" without a whole bunch of fuss but who can't do "alone" so well and so is always on the hunt for something with a pulse.........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I could, if I wanted to, tell any woman exactly what she wants to hear and I could do it any time with a 99 percent chance of getting it right. Alcoholics and addicts are even better at it than I am.
Love isn't something you say, it's something you do.
Just wanted to repeat this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by marie1960
So now you know, curiousity killed the cat.......
You are just torturing yourself. If you have only been apart two weeks and he is already on the move, that would be all the answer I would ever need.
Go live your life free of this crazy train. You certainly deserve much more than he can offer.
You are just torturing yourself. If you have only been apart two weeks and he is already on the move, that would be all the answer I would ever need.
Go live your life free of this crazy train. You certainly deserve much more than he can offer.
After I stopped laughing at that and the fact that he drank socially, I started crying. After I had a good cry, I realized that I was in love with the illusion of what could have been and not what was. Took me a while to work through that but once I did, I could say to the next woman in his life: "He's all yours...."
It's been a year since we broke up and things haven't changed for him. I've seen him, talked to him briefly and the stench of alcohol just about knocked me over. I may be struggling financially, may be working part time, but at least I know I'm not living a lie nor am I chasing an illusion of what I thought could have been.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by wicked
Maybe he thought you would feel sorry and send money!
:rotfxko
:rotfxko
Love them anyway...
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eugene OR
Posts: 115
Wow. Thank you for sharing you journey to health.
I am walking a very similar path. I KNOW that he isnt healthy. I KNOW he has NOTHING real to offer me. However, there are times, when I miss the other version of him. I knew when I left that I could love him anyway. I can leave, love him anyway and not let his disease affect my life any longer. Loving from a distance, a LONG distance. So far it has taken practice, a lot of phone calls to friends and gentle reminders. The further I get away from the insanity the more insane it looks and the less I romanticize him or the relationship. The truth is for me I know it will just take some time, and Ive got that.
I wish you the best.
I am walking a very similar path. I KNOW that he isnt healthy. I KNOW he has NOTHING real to offer me. However, there are times, when I miss the other version of him. I knew when I left that I could love him anyway. I can leave, love him anyway and not let his disease affect my life any longer. Loving from a distance, a LONG distance. So far it has taken practice, a lot of phone calls to friends and gentle reminders. The further I get away from the insanity the more insane it looks and the less I romanticize him or the relationship. The truth is for me I know it will just take some time, and Ive got that.
I wish you the best.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Take it from someone who DID call the xbf *after* it was over...it was just more torture and delaying the inevitable: it's over and though it's painful, both people will move on. In your case, you're moving on to liberate yourself from some toxic dead weight, and in his case, he's moving on in a panicked state to QUICKLY find someone (anyone really) who will enable him and give him HIS feel-good fix, so he can keep avoiding maning up and taking care of himself like an adult.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Cyranoak said it so well: love isn't something you say, it's something you DO.
Actions speak louder than words.
I found my normie boyfriend on a dating site. It's not WHERE you find someone, it's WHO you find, and HOW you set up your standards for what you will accept in a partner. I went out there with more than a year of singlehood, a finalized divorce, a list of what I wanted and would NOT tolerate, kept going to therapy and Alanon meetings consistently (and still do), and wasn't willing to compromise on my standards. Growing up the way I did meant that I never learned how to date, how to love without "rescuing" or pitying someone, didn't know how to have non-codependent relationships. I figured that a dating site would help me to meet people who were allegedly available and ready for a relationship, and help me to fine-tune what it was that I wanted. I cannot emphasize enough that I did that SAFELY, making choices to keep everything from my phone number to my full name private until after I had met them and decided whether or not I wanted them to have that info about me.
I met up with liars, alcoholics, manipulators, and got pretty good at spotting them within the first 10 minutes of a coffee date. And I met up with truly wonderful, calm, peaceful human beings that were just not a good fit for one reason or another. Then I met my boyfriend whose actions and words match on a consistent basis, with whom I can be vulnerable without being taken advantage of, a person who supports my friendships and hobbies (including those that have nothing to do with him, and/or he has no desire to participate in), who knows that I'm in recovery and supports that even though he doesn't understand, and who communicates what he needs so that I can also respect that in him. There is predictability, support, honesty, RESPECT. He is not perfect, and I see that, too...and the imperfections become a choice that I have opted to accept at this point in time, one day a time, because they are not "red flags."
A liar is a liar, and it's not hard to spot them. It doesn't matter what your ex puts in his profile, a woman who dates him will either see that his actions and words don't match, or she will choose not to. Delightedly, it's no longer your problem.
Hugs and support, because that crap hurts. But you are moving on, and who knows...maybe someday you'll meet a wonderfully available, trustworthy, non-alcoholic normie on a dating site, or somewhere else. Either way, you have all kinds of options about how to live your life from here on out.
Hugs,
posie
Actions speak louder than words.
I found my normie boyfriend on a dating site. It's not WHERE you find someone, it's WHO you find, and HOW you set up your standards for what you will accept in a partner. I went out there with more than a year of singlehood, a finalized divorce, a list of what I wanted and would NOT tolerate, kept going to therapy and Alanon meetings consistently (and still do), and wasn't willing to compromise on my standards. Growing up the way I did meant that I never learned how to date, how to love without "rescuing" or pitying someone, didn't know how to have non-codependent relationships. I figured that a dating site would help me to meet people who were allegedly available and ready for a relationship, and help me to fine-tune what it was that I wanted. I cannot emphasize enough that I did that SAFELY, making choices to keep everything from my phone number to my full name private until after I had met them and decided whether or not I wanted them to have that info about me.
I met up with liars, alcoholics, manipulators, and got pretty good at spotting them within the first 10 minutes of a coffee date. And I met up with truly wonderful, calm, peaceful human beings that were just not a good fit for one reason or another. Then I met my boyfriend whose actions and words match on a consistent basis, with whom I can be vulnerable without being taken advantage of, a person who supports my friendships and hobbies (including those that have nothing to do with him, and/or he has no desire to participate in), who knows that I'm in recovery and supports that even though he doesn't understand, and who communicates what he needs so that I can also respect that in him. There is predictability, support, honesty, RESPECT. He is not perfect, and I see that, too...and the imperfections become a choice that I have opted to accept at this point in time, one day a time, because they are not "red flags."
A liar is a liar, and it's not hard to spot them. It doesn't matter what your ex puts in his profile, a woman who dates him will either see that his actions and words don't match, or she will choose not to. Delightedly, it's no longer your problem.
Hugs and support, because that crap hurts. But you are moving on, and who knows...maybe someday you'll meet a wonderfully available, trustworthy, non-alcoholic normie on a dating site, or somewhere else. Either way, you have all kinds of options about how to live your life from here on out.
Hugs,
posie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by inpieces314
It's sad, when you think about it. You are glad to be rid of all that drama, but feel sorry for the poor innocent girl that he is going to destroy, just like he did you.
At least I do. People don't realize what they are getting into. I wish alcoholics came with warning labels. I mean, they kill people just like cigarettes do. Just on the inside.
At least I do. People don't realize what they are getting into. I wish alcoholics came with warning labels. I mean, they kill people just like cigarettes do. Just on the inside.
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