wanttobehealthy

Took D6 to see her new therapist today. The woman is great. It was an eye opening session, even for me.

Right off the bat she mentions AH's drinking. The therapist asked her if that was something she was worried about and then moved on, chatted it up with D6, built a rapport (D6 wanted me to stay so I did).

The therapist said to her after a bit, "if you had a magic wand what would you change at home". D6's reply was "i'd turn mommy into a chicken". The therapist seemed intrigued and i was tempted to point out that the girls are on a kick ever since they both studied chicks this spring about calling everyone chicken but i stayed quiet. So then the therapist said "okay, going with the animal theme, what animal would you assign to everyone in your family". D6 pipes up and says "D4 would be a hornet" (which prompted laughter from the therapist and I and D6 bc it's not altogether a bad animal to assign to D4 given her fiesty nature!). Therapist asked about me, D6 and Daddy. D6 said "daddy would be an elephant and mommy and me are bees".

The therapist then asked something about how the animals would be all together and D6 right away said "the hornet is loud and the elephant would crush and stomp on the bees".

I got quite a look at that point from the therapist and the message was pretty clear. The therapist asked me to let her be with D6 for a while and I went to the waiting room. I guess D6 was asked to draw a picture of her family and all she drew was AH. Not sure what to make of that but it all just is so sad for D6 and D4 (though D4 wasn't there).

Today sure validated my sense that the girls know precisely what their father is like and that while he may fool others, he sure isn't fooling his own kids. He tells me regularly and has for at least a year that the only reason the girls feel negatively toward him is bc I "poison" them against him. I think today showed pretty clearly that's not the case.

I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be 6 and see my father as someone who I imagine as capable of "stomping" on me... My poor kids.

Anyone on the fence about leaving ought to read my posts since last year at this time. Things spiral fast and the kids are the ones harmed the most.

Katiekate

Just keep being their mom, your love and care for them will see them through.

And they are begin their journey of healing already, you are making sure of that.

much love to you K

Florence

Yes. Over the years, I naively tried to offer suggestions on how my ex could improve the relationship with DS12, but he blamed me for his failure, and then, when I protested, he blamed DS12. This is one of those arguments that's extremely insidious because it turns the whole relationship into he-said-she-said. You can cite examples of how exactly he's been a terrible father and how it's affected the children, and he says, "See! She's poisoning the well!" The children suffer because dad maintains the narrative that everything would have been better if only Mom and Children had done XYZ differently. He won't take responsibility. You can't make him. But you can help the children see how his dysfunction is abnormal, is unacceptable, and is not their bag to carry.

The thing about bees: They are small and fragile, but they are also smart, hard-working, and they travel well in groups. They're crafty little things, survivors, creators, and the bees we know and love are usually part of a matri-social community. That's really an amazing analogy for a lot of reasons, and it really warms my heart. What a smart girl! She is worried about her mom, but she knows her mom is good, capable, and trustworthy.

Tuffgirl

For some reason, while reading this post, I am singing in my head the Kelly Clarkson song "What doesn't kill us" and I am not even a big fan of hers. Just a song that has been sticking in my head lately.

You are doing the right thing, and your girls will grow up stronger and more confident because of it. Keep on keepin on.