How do I keep my focus on the negative?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Pigtails
My loved one was an episodic binge drinker. The majority of the time he was not drunk when he drank, but that does not mean after a couple of doozy drinking sessions (punching windows, getting out of cars, blackouts, vomiting, driving while intoxicated and almost freezing to death in the driveway etc) I was not terrified every time a drink was in his hand.
It has been really hard for me sometimes because he did not drink everyday, had a job, overall to decide how uncomfortable I was with my own feelings around his drinking. So many people had such horror stories of alcohol use of loved ones in their life that it was really challenging for me to admit that I struggled to.
Yes to an extent it was fearful of the future, but the incidences of drinking in the past had been bad enough that though not frequent, scary enough to make me not want to tip the scales toward him drinking. For me this was not talking about it, not expressing my feelings (and I don't just mean about alcohol use), scared to do things with him that might involve drinking, etc. It is hard to connect and feel close to someone when at the same time you are trying to avoid reality. I was so wrapped up in not having a bad outcome that I wasted a lot of time not living my life.
I think for me what might have helped would have been keeping track of how I was feeling on a given day about a loved ones drinking. It might have helped me to realize that I lived in a fog for a number of years as I was trying to convince myself that it did not impact me "enough." I am kind of just writing stream of consciousness though so I am not sure.
Thanks for your posts. It comes through loud and clear how hard you are working your own recovery.
My loved one was an episodic binge drinker. The majority of the time he was not drunk when he drank, but that does not mean after a couple of doozy drinking sessions (punching windows, getting out of cars, blackouts, vomiting, driving while intoxicated and almost freezing to death in the driveway etc) I was not terrified every time a drink was in his hand.
It has been really hard for me sometimes because he did not drink everyday, had a job, overall to decide how uncomfortable I was with my own feelings around his drinking. So many people had such horror stories of alcohol use of loved ones in their life that it was really challenging for me to admit that I struggled to.
Yes to an extent it was fearful of the future, but the incidences of drinking in the past had been bad enough that though not frequent, scary enough to make me not want to tip the scales toward him drinking. For me this was not talking about it, not expressing my feelings (and I don't just mean about alcohol use), scared to do things with him that might involve drinking, etc. It is hard to connect and feel close to someone when at the same time you are trying to avoid reality. I was so wrapped up in not having a bad outcome that I wasted a lot of time not living my life.
I think for me what might have helped would have been keeping track of how I was feeling on a given day about a loved ones drinking. It might have helped me to realize that I lived in a fog for a number of years as I was trying to convince myself that it did not impact me "enough." I am kind of just writing stream of consciousness though so I am not sure.
Thanks for your posts. It comes through loud and clear how hard you are working your own recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Thanks for your post, LifeRecovery.
This is exactly how it is for me as well-- I feel anxious and scared when he even has one drink because I don't know if it will turn into many. He has gotten a DWI and I have also seen him stumbling around drunk, doing stupid things like saying things to other people that could get him into fights (it's not that he was violent or even wanting to fight, it's just that he gets in this truly stupid mental state where he sounds and acts like an impulsive kid -- for example, going up to an Asian guy in line at the hot dog stand after the bar closed, and asking if he was in his math class, and then saying he looked like he could be in his math class?!?!... and then going over to a very drunk girl who could barely stand up and hugging her to make her feel better... I try to point out to him later that these are the things that could get him into fights depending on other people's reactions to his inappropriate and totally out-of-it behavior [he has been involved in fights, aka other people beating him up, before when he was drinking, but not while we've been dating], for instance the Asian guy could have taken offense to the stereotypical comment and got mad instead of just laughing it off, the boyfriend of the really drunk girl who eventually came over could have gotten mad instead of just looking suspicious and annoyed at my boyfriend... plus that same night he was stumbling all over the place, urinating in public [like, he jumped over a little fence to pee, but he lost his balance and fell down, and then he got up and peed, with a friend who was peeing too, even though they were in plain sight, and peeing on people's/business property, and the little fence didn't hide anything]... it just made me feel like ewwww, gross. ! For one thing I worry about his safety and for another thing I get annoyed that he has such little regard for himself that he gets into this state of mind, and even says he likes it (he says he likes getting drunk because it takes him out of his head, which is full of crazy and self-hating thoughts). Then of course are the times when he was so sloppy drunk that he fell down repeatedly, and the times that he just absolutely annoys me with his obnoxious repetition of the same thing over and over and his complete obliviousness to reality.
So yeah, I've told him that it bothers me when he drinks at ALL because I am afraid he will get into that state. He thinks he can control it and honestly he has been much better about it but I know that is no way to live... eventually he isn't going to care what I think/ask or tell him to do, or he will resent me for it. I even have friends who have told me that no one's perfect and everyone has flaws and that perhaps I just have to accept that he occassionally gets drunk, because overall he loves me and is sweet to me. But I can't do that because he has also disappointed me and let me down, has lied to me and hid what he drank from me, has been unreliable due to drinking and also just his attitude about life and himself in general. I don't want to be ten years down the road with kids and something bad happens that makes him drink and he's not there for me or he lets us down. And I feel that if I weren't strong with my boundaries about it he would do whatever he could get away with... he would drink every day and quite often get totally drunk... and I'm really not naive enough to think that I can keep him in check forever.
When I read all of this that I wrote I realize there is no hope, that I shouldn't stay with him like this. But when I try to talk to him about it or reality hits I fall back into thinking, he can change, he loves me, everything will be all right.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
My loved one was an episodic binge drinker. The majority of the time he was not drunk when he drank, but that does not mean after a couple of doozy drinking sessions (punching windows, getting out of cars, blackouts, vomiting, driving while intoxicated and almost freezing to death in the driveway etc) I was not terrified every time a drink was in his hand.
So yeah, I've told him that it bothers me when he drinks at ALL because I am afraid he will get into that state. He thinks he can control it and honestly he has been much better about it but I know that is no way to live... eventually he isn't going to care what I think/ask or tell him to do, or he will resent me for it. I even have friends who have told me that no one's perfect and everyone has flaws and that perhaps I just have to accept that he occassionally gets drunk, because overall he loves me and is sweet to me. But I can't do that because he has also disappointed me and let me down, has lied to me and hid what he drank from me, has been unreliable due to drinking and also just his attitude about life and himself in general. I don't want to be ten years down the road with kids and something bad happens that makes him drink and he's not there for me or he lets us down. And I feel that if I weren't strong with my boundaries about it he would do whatever he could get away with... he would drink every day and quite often get totally drunk... and I'm really not naive enough to think that I can keep him in check forever.
When I read all of this that I wrote I realize there is no hope, that I shouldn't stay with him like this. But when I try to talk to him about it or reality hits I fall back into thinking, he can change, he loves me, everything will be all right.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3
Having the privilege of knowing he's a drinker before getting married is priceless. Save yourself years of misery and leave. Why would anyone choose to stay with an alcoholic if they weren't already married. I feel so trapped and would love to be in your shoes. Go, walk away, find someone without the drama and heartache. Save yourself. God, I wish I had that opportunity.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
hmmmm. the drunkenness you are sure you find repulsive, okay. me too.
you wonder if you should put up with a little tispyness. I wondered that aloud to my great therapist some time back.
My XABF so put me off any tolerance for beer that I won't allow anyone to place a 6 pack in my frig, the sight, smell...all of it just disgusts me. He is long gone.
But my closest family member my sister drinks beer and she would call me long distance and I could hear her , in her voice, the way she spoke ever so carefully, exagerating the overpronounciation of words to compensate so as not to slur her words. She didn't say anything stupid or wrong but it still disgusted me and I would find a way to get off the phone.
My therapist told me that he would never encourage me to accept or tolerate any intoxication.
Thank you very much to him.
We don't talk on the phone anymore.
We're not even friends....but that is because it makes me far too ill at ease to try to be around drinking people.
I don't ever have to have that disgust in my life, simply by choosing not to be around people who get intoxicated.
So, what did she do that was so wrong? Some would say I am very judgmental and intolerant.
I can truthfully say, it is so wonderfully freeing to not have to deal with anyone else's drinking at all.
Strangely, it does not bother me in any way, shape, or form if my current fiancee has an occassional beer. Why?
Because the first time he brought home a six pack and I told him that really I never wanted to see that in my frig again...that was it, said, done taken care of....he respected my feelings and wishes about it and it wasn't important enough for him to really give a damn to have any at all.
I know that he will drink A as in 1 beer and even if he orders a second one when out...he isn't going to finish drinking it.
So, he has proven to me that he is a completely responsible and trustworthy very seldom but occassional social drinker.
That, and when I told him that my XABF had quit one time for 6 months, he responded to me.....he didn't quit, he paused.
wow, yeah, he was right, he nailed it.
Life is too short and alcoholism is too damaging for me to invite, accept or allow it to be in my life. It disturbs me and that is reason enough to remove it and it's players. whomever they may be.
you wonder if you should put up with a little tispyness. I wondered that aloud to my great therapist some time back.
My XABF so put me off any tolerance for beer that I won't allow anyone to place a 6 pack in my frig, the sight, smell...all of it just disgusts me. He is long gone.
But my closest family member my sister drinks beer and she would call me long distance and I could hear her , in her voice, the way she spoke ever so carefully, exagerating the overpronounciation of words to compensate so as not to slur her words. She didn't say anything stupid or wrong but it still disgusted me and I would find a way to get off the phone.
My therapist told me that he would never encourage me to accept or tolerate any intoxication.
Thank you very much to him.
We don't talk on the phone anymore.
We're not even friends....but that is because it makes me far too ill at ease to try to be around drinking people.
I don't ever have to have that disgust in my life, simply by choosing not to be around people who get intoxicated.
So, what did she do that was so wrong? Some would say I am very judgmental and intolerant.
I can truthfully say, it is so wonderfully freeing to not have to deal with anyone else's drinking at all.
Strangely, it does not bother me in any way, shape, or form if my current fiancee has an occassional beer. Why?
Because the first time he brought home a six pack and I told him that really I never wanted to see that in my frig again...that was it, said, done taken care of....he respected my feelings and wishes about it and it wasn't important enough for him to really give a damn to have any at all.
I know that he will drink A as in 1 beer and even if he orders a second one when out...he isn't going to finish drinking it.
So, he has proven to me that he is a completely responsible and trustworthy very seldom but occassional social drinker.
That, and when I told him that my XABF had quit one time for 6 months, he responded to me.....he didn't quit, he paused.
wow, yeah, he was right, he nailed it.
Life is too short and alcoholism is too damaging for me to invite, accept or allow it to be in my life. It disturbs me and that is reason enough to remove it and it's players. whomever they may be.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Pigtails---
A couple of things you've said here.............:
"...I feel that if I weren't strong with my boundaries about it he would do whatever he could get away with... he would drink every day and quite often get totally drunk... and I'm really not naive enough to think that I can keep him in check forever..."
Remember, boundaries are for you NOT him. In other words, he can drink every day; he can get totally drunk; and it's definitely NOT your job to keep him in check. For me, one of my boundaries is.....: I will not have folks in my home, or around me, who drink every day or are drunk; therefore, if you want to drink/get drunk, it will not be in my home, or even around me; you will be removed from my home, or I will remove myself from your presence.
"...How can I just "ignore" him drinking, or "accept" it and focus on myself?..."
You shouldn't 'ignore' and definitely not 'accept' .....Again, another, or even the same, boundary like the one above.
"...I was thinking last night, when he showed up rather drunk, do I tell him to leave? (I think I should have done that)..."
Absolutely, correctomundo...! Another boundary.....: I will not have someone come in my house drunk; therefore if you're drunk, I will not let you into my home.
Believe me, these work.....not on the 'A' but on me. Folks know not to come to my home drunk (they won't get in), or even to drink to drunkeness in my home or around me (or if they do, they will be asked to leave---.357 and 9mm are wonderful persuaders........
(o:
P.S. ...and to answer your question in this thread's title....: How do I keep my focus on the negative? Well, you don't have to do this. How about keeping your focus on the positive, what you want in your life; what you deserve.....and then going for it/them.....!
A couple of things you've said here.............:
"...I feel that if I weren't strong with my boundaries about it he would do whatever he could get away with... he would drink every day and quite often get totally drunk... and I'm really not naive enough to think that I can keep him in check forever..."
Remember, boundaries are for you NOT him. In other words, he can drink every day; he can get totally drunk; and it's definitely NOT your job to keep him in check. For me, one of my boundaries is.....: I will not have folks in my home, or around me, who drink every day or are drunk; therefore, if you want to drink/get drunk, it will not be in my home, or even around me; you will be removed from my home, or I will remove myself from your presence.
"...How can I just "ignore" him drinking, or "accept" it and focus on myself?..."
You shouldn't 'ignore' and definitely not 'accept' .....Again, another, or even the same, boundary like the one above.
"...I was thinking last night, when he showed up rather drunk, do I tell him to leave? (I think I should have done that)..."
Absolutely, correctomundo...! Another boundary.....: I will not have someone come in my house drunk; therefore if you're drunk, I will not let you into my home.
Believe me, these work.....not on the 'A' but on me. Folks know not to come to my home drunk (they won't get in), or even to drink to drunkeness in my home or around me (or if they do, they will be asked to leave---.357 and 9mm are wonderful persuaders........
(o:
P.S. ...and to answer your question in this thread's title....: How do I keep my focus on the negative? Well, you don't have to do this. How about keeping your focus on the positive, what you want in your life; what you deserve.....and then going for it/them.....!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 13
"I just can't wrap my brain around how to actually leave him. I think we have gotten used to this pattern of him being great, then him doing something disappointing, and me being upset, and him saying he will change... and I don't know how to break free of it. I know I am co-dependent and way too hopeful and living in fantasy-land. My mind goes around and around thinking "you can't expect him to just change suddenly because you did," "his drinking's not that bad, he isn't abusive or mean," "he loves you and is really good to you, the only bad thing is his drinking" (but honestly the bad things are that he is like a boy instead of a man... he has no career, barely has a job, can't finish school, can't focus on any responsibilities... but somehow his drinking always takes center stage and I focus on that instead of all the other stuff). "
I could have written that myself. Especially the part comparing him to others (in fact he would use it as an excuse). In my case, my HFA was in complete denial. I left him yesterday, leaving a letter while he was gone explaining that i loved him but I couldn't do this. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO. Breakups are usually when the relationship is bad, you know? But this has so much GOOD that the bad was literally the alcohol- which was so "easy" to remove and the relationship would have been good! I WAS IN DENIAL ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.
An alcoholic is an alcoholic. You need to think: do i accept this behavior now? am i happy with it now? if you are not happy NOW you need to remember that it most likely will not change. Can you imaging spending the rest of your life, raising a family like this? Just repeat it to yourself: his one true love is alcohol. he is cheating on you with the bottle.
Would you stick around if someone was having an affair?
Trust me..I feel you SO much so. I'm sitting here crying and writing this. He hasn't called hasn't reached out...I realize now he will not. He would rather sit tipsy drinking this breakup away than the give it up for ONE OR TWO DAYS A WEEK (that was my request...but to do so would make him face how hard it is for him).
Many hugs and love.
I could have written that myself. Especially the part comparing him to others (in fact he would use it as an excuse). In my case, my HFA was in complete denial. I left him yesterday, leaving a letter while he was gone explaining that i loved him but I couldn't do this. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO. Breakups are usually when the relationship is bad, you know? But this has so much GOOD that the bad was literally the alcohol- which was so "easy" to remove and the relationship would have been good! I WAS IN DENIAL ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.
An alcoholic is an alcoholic. You need to think: do i accept this behavior now? am i happy with it now? if you are not happy NOW you need to remember that it most likely will not change. Can you imaging spending the rest of your life, raising a family like this? Just repeat it to yourself: his one true love is alcohol. he is cheating on you with the bottle.
Would you stick around if someone was having an affair?
Trust me..I feel you SO much so. I'm sitting here crying and writing this. He hasn't called hasn't reached out...I realize now he will not. He would rather sit tipsy drinking this breakup away than the give it up for ONE OR TWO DAYS A WEEK (that was my request...but to do so would make him face how hard it is for him).
Many hugs and love.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hi Pigtails
You sound like you're on the verge of taking back your life.
He's drunk. You ARE speaking alien to him. Nothing will matter. You're powerless over alcohol and the only thing we can change-the only thing we have control over- is ourselves.
How do you want YOUR life to be? It's when we focus on ourselves that we find peace.
Here's the really great news: We are in control of what our mind says. All we're dealing with is a thought, and those are easy to change, if you wanna. I wrote down positive affirmations and made myself read them every hour, out loud.
I love who I am
I'm grounded in my own power
I love and approve of myself
I am leaving YOU now.
I am free of you and your toxic ways
All is for my greater good
You see for me, the hook is the possibility of him changing and becoming the man of my dreams, because if my A can change, then not only will he finally really truly love me, but my alcoholic father will also finally really truly love me. It's more complicated than that, but that's really the gist of it: trying to work out unresolved childhood conflict.
Once that is brought to the surface, it helps. Ferret and dig out those abandonment issues. It's not fun, but it's a hell of a lot easier than a relationship with a practicing A.
I also have a trick of stopping myself from thinking about the A as soon as I realize that's what I'm doing, and instead focus my attention onto whatever I need to do, right now, that makes my life better. Dishes, exercise, call a friend, whatever.
You've already processed a great deal here, you're clearly able to do introspection and sort **** out. Keep at it Girlie, you'll find your way.
You sound like you're on the verge of taking back your life.
The frustrating thing is that he'll ask me, what should he do, how should he change his thinking, how did I do it/how am I doing it... yet nothing I say matters. Absolutely nothing. He looks at me like I'm an alien speaking a different language he can't possibly understand. Or he'll tell me he is going to change, he is going to do this or that or not do this or that, and it'll last a couple days or, maybe like this last time, a couple of weeks. The thing that hurts is that it actually lasted a little while this time, but I should have known it was too good to be true.
How do you want YOUR life to be? It's when we focus on ourselves that we find peace.
I just can't wrap my brain around how to actually leave him. I think we have gotten used to this pattern of him being great, then him doing something disappointing, and me being upset, and him saying he will change... and I don't know how to break free of it. I know I am co-dependent and way too hopeful and living in fantasy-land. My mind goes around and around thinking "you can't expect him to just change suddenly because you did," "his drinking's not that bad, he isn't abusive or mean," "he loves you and is really good to you, the only bad thing is his drinking" (but honestly the bad things are that he is like a boy instead of a man... he has no career, barely has a job, can't finish school, can't focus on any responsibilities... but somehow his drinking always takes center stage and I focus on that instead of all the other stuff) How do I make my mind remember the big important reasons I need to move on, rather than have hope and be naive and think he can change??.
I love who I am
I'm grounded in my own power
I love and approve of myself
I am leaving YOU now.
I am free of you and your toxic ways
All is for my greater good
You see for me, the hook is the possibility of him changing and becoming the man of my dreams, because if my A can change, then not only will he finally really truly love me, but my alcoholic father will also finally really truly love me. It's more complicated than that, but that's really the gist of it: trying to work out unresolved childhood conflict.
Once that is brought to the surface, it helps. Ferret and dig out those abandonment issues. It's not fun, but it's a hell of a lot easier than a relationship with a practicing A.
I also have a trick of stopping myself from thinking about the A as soon as I realize that's what I'm doing, and instead focus my attention onto whatever I need to do, right now, that makes my life better. Dishes, exercise, call a friend, whatever.
You've already processed a great deal here, you're clearly able to do introspection and sort **** out. Keep at it Girlie, you'll find your way.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,966
Have read, seen, amazed at it all that you and countless others have shared.
Maybe time for a change? Hell yes you have wrote!
First off all that you have explained about yourself is important.
As I read your story, and a good well spoken story it is with all your emotions full and visible for me to read...and you read good about who you are.
Oh I've been there...forget that. Where are going with this...I mean as an independent woman, liberated from your own preconception.
Maybe time for a change? Hell yes you have wrote!
First off all that you have explained about yourself is important.
As I read your story, and a good well spoken story it is with all your emotions full and visible for me to read...and you read good about who you are.
Oh I've been there...forget that. Where are going with this...I mean as an independent woman, liberated from your own preconception.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Thank you everyone for sharing and helping me.
I am really feeling at a loss right now and am just going back over and reading what everyone has written to help me re-gain my focus. I really like the suggestion about focusing on something that will make my life easier/better, when I find myself dwelling too much on him. It actually goes well into my own step work in my recovery... my "higher power' of sorts is my responsibilities and my own higher inner conscience... living the life I want to live rather than slipping back into my old habits and lifestyle choices that kept me stuck. For instance, when I start to feel anxious or confused or like I want to drink, I turn to my responsibilities, such as cleaning my apartment or working out or doing work... things I didn't do enough of and let my life get unmanageable when I was drinking. So now I can do that when I am feeling anxious or worried about my boyfriend, rather than just about drinking. Thank you Transform Myself for that suggestion.
I am really feeling at a loss right now and am just going back over and reading what everyone has written to help me re-gain my focus. I really like the suggestion about focusing on something that will make my life easier/better, when I find myself dwelling too much on him. It actually goes well into my own step work in my recovery... my "higher power' of sorts is my responsibilities and my own higher inner conscience... living the life I want to live rather than slipping back into my old habits and lifestyle choices that kept me stuck. For instance, when I start to feel anxious or confused or like I want to drink, I turn to my responsibilities, such as cleaning my apartment or working out or doing work... things I didn't do enough of and let my life get unmanageable when I was drinking. So now I can do that when I am feeling anxious or worried about my boyfriend, rather than just about drinking. Thank you Transform Myself for that suggestion.
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