Hi Pigtails
You sound like you're on the verge of taking back your life.
The frustrating thing is that he'll ask me, what should he do, how should he change his thinking, how did I do it/how am I doing it... yet nothing I say matters. Absolutely nothing. He looks at me like I'm an alien speaking a different language he can't possibly understand. Or he'll tell me he is going to change, he is going to do this or that or not do this or that, and it'll last a couple days or, maybe like this last time, a couple of weeks. The thing that hurts is that it actually lasted a little while this time, but I should have known it was too good to be true.
He's drunk. You ARE speaking alien to him. Nothing will matter. You're powerless over alcohol and the only thing we can change-the only thing we have control over- is ourselves.
How do you want YOUR life to be? It's when we focus on ourselves that we find peace.
I just can't wrap my brain around how to actually leave him. I think we have gotten used to this pattern of him being great, then him doing something disappointing, and me being upset, and him saying he will change... and I don't know how to break free of it. I know I am co-dependent and way too hopeful and living in fantasy-land. My mind goes around and around thinking "you can't expect him to just change suddenly because you did," "his drinking's not that bad, he isn't abusive or mean," "he loves you and is really good to you, the only bad thing is his drinking" (but honestly the bad things are that he is like a boy instead of a man... he has no career, barely has a job, can't finish school, can't focus on any responsibilities... but somehow his drinking always takes center stage and I focus on that instead of all the other stuff) How do I make my mind remember the big important reasons I need to move on, rather than have hope and be naive and think he can change??.
Here's the really great news: We are in control of what our mind says. All we're dealing with is a thought, and those are easy to change, if you wanna. I wrote down positive affirmations and made myself read them every hour, out loud.
I love who I am
I'm grounded in my own power
I love and approve of myself
I am leaving YOU now.
I am free of you and your toxic ways
All is for my greater good
You see for me, the hook is the possibility of him changing and becoming the man of my dreams, because if my A can change, then not only will he finally really truly love me, but my alcoholic father will also finally really truly love me. It's more complicated than that, but that's really the gist of it: trying to work out unresolved childhood conflict.
Once that is brought to the surface, it helps. Ferret and dig out those abandonment issues. It's not fun, but it's a hell of a lot easier than a relationship with a practicing A.
I also have a trick of stopping myself from thinking about the A as soon as I realize that's what I'm doing, and instead focus my attention onto whatever I need to do, right now, that makes my life better. Dishes, exercise, call a friend, whatever.
You've already processed a great deal here, you're clearly able to do introspection and sort **** out. Keep at it Girlie, you'll find your way.