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why do i care what others think of me?

Old 04-09-2012, 07:00 AM
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why do i care what others think of me?

got to work (a job i am grateful to still have mind you) today to find that one of the $hithead kids here and her mother (awesome parenting by the way) decided to link an online article to their facebook pages about my being arrested and refer to me as a "criminal", "crazeeee" (the brilliant spelling being all theirs) and "messed up".

what makes it even better is that this mother who is fueling her daughter's behavior just got out of jail in oct after being jailed for 3 years on child endangerment charges related to heroin use/buying etc... (my boss did some google research and found a headline story on the state news 4 yrs ago about this woman).

so, of all people to be casting stones she has no right at all.

i have been told to keep my head high, not address it in any way and that the line we are all to tow is that we are not addressing it.

it is literally making me feel crazy inside right now knowing that this 15 yr old and her horrid mother (who i have advocated for and pleaded that she get more than a few chances here at this school this year bc the kid is a mess herself) are slamming me, maligning my name and running with assumptions based on an article that they know nothing about.

i know i ought to not care what others think of me, but i do. not really how i wanted to start my week.

i feel like life is doing this to me right now and i'm worn out!
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:11 AM
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This is a struggle for me, too, it was especially hard as people took sides on my custody case. Getting past it is a matter of letting go, asking myself, "Who are you to me?" with the answer more frequently than not being, "Nobody."

There are a handful of people who are still invested in me being a bad guy despite the horrific custody trial being ten years in my past, and they're usually linked directly to my ex, or are busybody jerks who like to train their eyes on other people to avoid dealing with their own crap.

I'm thinking these folks are the latter to you. It sounds like they have enough rope to hang themselves. Who are they to you? Absolutely no one.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:20 AM
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Unfortunately, there are many people in this world whose only way of feeling better about themselves is to diminish others. This sounds like one of those cases. I've learned over the years not to get angry about it because that is exactly the result they are looking for. I pity people who feel so bad about themselves that they must put others down to feel better. And Facebook is EVIL.

L
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:45 AM
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Facebook is eeeeeeeeeevil.

WTBH,
These idiots are amateurs compared to your soon to be ex.
You are dealing very effectively with him.
The same will work with these two, especially the mom.
Ignore the noise. You know it's just noise from the peanut gallery.
Pitiful people trying to get their 15 minutes by being connected to you in some small way.
Pfffffft.

Beth
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:46 AM
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I had the same conversation yesterday with my 18 year old. I told her that when people come at you with defensiveness, fabrications, hostility, whatever...they are usually projecting something on you. Who cares what it may be, though, so don't spend too much time wondering how you became the target.

Mean people are all around us. The trick is to know when to make it an issue and when to shrug your shoulders and walk away.

As far as I am concerned, unless its a direct threat or slander, best to walk away.

And ditto on Facebook being evil. It is a safe place for people to write things they would never say in person.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:51 AM
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In my mind I know I am being ridiculous for giving two seconds worth of concern over what this woman thinks. Emotionally it's another matter. And it's so uncomfortable being at work right now, dealing with her daughter (I teach a reading class to she and a handful of others). It's hard enough to keep my head held high knowing "friends" and community members in my town are judging-- having my work be yet another place where I am dealing with nonsense just wasn't a great start to the week...

I think I have been running on adrenaline for much of the past few weeks and last night I crashed hard so I know my emotions are on high alert in part bc I am worn out on every level imaginable. I suppose I was going to crash at some point but man, I am really struggling with even keeping my eyes open today. I know I have to be on my A game at work since I am lucky to still have a job and it's a challenge today for sure.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:06 AM
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I was amazed after a few months into my own recovery to recognize just how judgmental people are, myself included. And how nice it is to give up that need to pass judgement on others. As the risk of sounding dismissive to how you feel...say a prayer for someone who is obviously so insecure about her own parenting that she has to attack yours in a public manner.

And hold your head up high - you know the real story behind the scenes, and you are going to need all the strength you can muster to face the real monster in the room.

You're doing great, wtbh. Stay strong!
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:26 AM
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I know I could be putting a fine line on this,
but have you asked your attorney about them?

You were arrested yes, but, you are not a criminal nor crazeeeee.
I wonder if the mom's parole officer would be happy with her stirring the pot here.
Mom has been convicted of a crime. A very serious crime.
Would she want that brought up again?
Of course, you can't say a thing or do a thing.

You need some rest WTBH.
Please remember to take care of you.
It is just not fair. Not fair.

Beth
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:49 AM
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wicked- i did wonder very briefly about all of that-- wondered if there were some slander line being crossed, wondered how to track down a probation officer about some info the D has shared at work about her mothers regular continued drug use... i definitely have had moments of vinidictiveness run through me today and in the end i think that i will mention this to my lawyer so he is aware but will do and say nothing.

not piping up to defend myself feels unnatural BUT doing so (defending myself against nastiness) with AH has never once worked out in my favor and ignoring him seems to be the best plan so i imagine that's true for this "crazeeee" mother and daughter too.

again, here i am putting my values and spin on othes behavior but really? who does what they did? who tries to shame a person they know nothing about who has been nothing but good to them? that's just low life at its finest.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:53 AM
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Jealous people are full of rage and lash out at anyone, even if you have helped them benifit. (my spelling is bad also) This mother sounds like she has issues! Also sounds like the type that never would take an honest look at herself. So let it blow over. I know how uncomfortable it must be. But you have the beautiful gift of recovery and healthy dealing. Plus, what comes around goes around!
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:08 AM
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Given the source, I doubt others are judging you as much you might think.
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
i know i ought to not care what others think of me, but i do.
My therapist told me when I started giving myself approval, I wouldn't need it from others.

I know that's easier said than done, especially when your plate is so overfilled that food is falling and it's all you can do to keep from dropping it
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:54 AM
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hate so much that you are having to continually live thru this NIGHTMARE!!

I truly believe the Golden Rule should be "MYOB" (mind your own business)

But most people don't ~ prayers & good thoughts of strength, courage and wisdom for you as you walk thru this!

like others have said - it's someone trying to make themselves feel better by making you look badly ~
You are taking the HIGH ROAD ~ You have kept your dignity, self-respect & self-love thru all this - for yourself & for your children ~ that's a lot to be very proud of !

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 04-09-2012, 11:50 AM
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i definitely have had moments of vinidictiveness run through me today and in the end i think that i will mention this to my lawyer so he is aware but will do and say nothing.
Yes, at least mention it to him. But, there is nothing to do really.
Revenge fantasies are my forte.
Pink Paintgun of Justice for mom. Poor daughter gets mandatory counseling, or sent to a Dr. Phil camp for troubled teens. Boot camp.

Yes, ignoring your ex and these people is always best.
Sigh...and the daughter is stuck with the drug abusing mom, going along to get along.
I feel sad for her now.

dang it chino and your calm reply.
My therapist told me when I started giving myself approval, I wouldn't need it from others.
I wrote this one down.
Thank you,

Beth
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:37 PM
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People tell you what they recognize about themselves or what they tell themselves.. I truly believe this and see it often... its just projection.

I am also feeling defensive at work and it doesn't help.

I hope you can block this person and anyone else who is toxic. Facebook sucks. I have more blocked people than "friends" LOL.

Truth prevails, remember we all have a one-on-one with God at some point, she will have to respond to HP.

You keep on being the strong woman you are.
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:40 PM
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PS Wayne Dyer says we will always have 50% approval and 50% rejection, when we "meet" someone like that... we can go "oh he or she is part of the 50% of rejection"

I was feeling hurt due to a fellow student and some kind of hostile remarks but this has helped. She is just 50%. I don't have to prove anything to anyone...

Hugs.
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:53 PM
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I would look into filing a report against this woman for slander.

It sucks that you have to be beaten down more than you already have been by some jerkoff who is clearly trying to vilify you in some sad attempt to make herself look better. You are a bigger person than I am if you can restrain from confronting this person, but good for you. In the end, you decide what kind of a person you truly are. If there are no enemies on the inside, the enemies on the outside can't hurt you.
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