AmandaOliver

I am concerned about my bf who has been in AA for four months now. It is not his first time in AA, he's been doing it on and off since 1998. I did not start dating him until a year ago and did not know he was an alcoholic until 4 months ago when I found straight liquor in a diet coke can and confronted him about it. It was then that he started going to AA and he's been going pretty much every day since. Anyway he always goes back to the same group that he goes to meetings with (they all go to the same meetings) and they all go out to dinner EVERY night for 2 to 3 hours after the meeting. This takes up ALL his time. By the time he got home from the dinners we were both ready for bed and so essentially our time together was spent sleeping. He had already talked all night at AA so we had very little conversation anymore. It was ruining our relationship. The group would get upset if he does not go to the same meeting as they go to so if he ever wanted to do anything he had to plan it around their schedule. After the meeting he could not just come home because they get upset if he does not go to the dinners. The one lady who is kind of like the head of the group is like 60 years old and she decides who can and can't be part of the group based on who she likes. She told my bf who his sponsor should be (her good friend who also goes everywhere she goes) even though this sponsor does not have much in common with my bf. My bf also told me that over the years she always has a lot of people around her but only one or two that stick around that the others are always changing. Anyway after my bf had already been in the program for 90 days and gotten his 90 day sobriety pin, the sponsor demanded that he begin doing his 90 in 90 because he had not gone every day. If he wanted to go to a different meeting than the group they got upset with him. For example he has a cottage up north and they would get upset if he wanted to go up north and go to a meeting there instead of with them. They also wanted him to install gps software on his phone that would allow them to track where he is at all times. (he did not do it). One night recently he came home fed up with it all and said he could not go back with that group and would have to find a new sponsor and some different meetings. I was thrilled. We went out to dinner together for the first time in months and had a great time. I was on cloud 9. But that whole weekend he was afraid they would come over to his house and find him. They began texting him telling him to come back. That saturday he actually ordered a beer at a restaurant when we were out to dinner (I don't drink around him and would not have ordered anything myself but when he went to the restroom he came back with a drink for both of us). I was disappointed but did not say anything except "what are you doing". Well anyway the next day he became depressed (I think either due to having the relapse or feeling pressured by the text messages). So lo and behold two days later he is right back involved with the very same people. This is ruining our relationship as I think that the group is telling him that I allowed the drinking and we need to break up and it's "AA or me" and their way or the highway. I told my bf that it breaks my heart that he would go back to that group after all he told me. Right now we are currently broken up because he says he can't take the pressure from them and from me so he is just going to focus on aa right now.

suki44883

Sorry you are dealing with this. What is going on is NOT what AA is about and it is NOT a typical AA group. However, if he has decided to stick with them, he must not have as much of a problem with it as you do.

Maybe just let things be for now and let him do what he feels he needs to do for recovery. There may very well come a time when he gets tired of all their micro-managing of his life and will find another group that is more in line with what AA truly is.

wicked

I have never heard of anything close to this surrounding or a part of AA.
(Been around the rooms here in Michigan and when I was stationed overseas in Germany)
But, I agree with Suki, if he is staying sober this way, then let him do it his way.

Sounds like the older lady is running her own social group out of AA, I am surprised she has so many followers. Or people who are willing to do what she says when she says it.
Hmmm, I cannot imagine going out to eat every night. Expensive. Unless she pays!


Take care of yourself Amanda.
I am going to see what Waterford has to offer in the way of fun for spring.
Was this the longest winter in history or what?!?!?


Beth

AmandaOliver

You know what it's funny you say that about the older lady...she actually has NO life outside of AA and goes twice a day. My bf works so he can't do that thank god. But funny you should mention her paying because that's the other weird thing I forgot to mention...My bf loaned her $1000 for her car (he didn't tell me that) and she did pay him back but in the meantime when they would go out to eat she would be ordering the most expensive thing on the menu! Plus she has foster children at home, (which in my opinion she is doing just for the extra government money) and my bf says her house is filthy and she is gone at AA every night and brings them home a carry out! I am disgusted to even think about it. I work in juvenile court and am tempted to anonymously report her but my bf would kill me.

mdh0723

Hi Amanda,

I attend AA every Wednesday and I can assure you that in no way, shape, or form is my "group" like a cult. There is no one "leader". Just your average [well .... ] group of folks looking for and getting support as we need it. I'm sure not every meeting is the same, but mine is really laid back.

wicked

Even more curious. And sad for the children.
Maybe she has learned to take advantage of people in desperate situations.
Like alcoholics and foster kids.
Geez, she sucks. As if Detroit needs another criminal stealing money.

Beth

frstnm

It may pull you apart for a little while but if the relationship is to last. Let him get involved with his recovery in regular meetings. Its very important = at least to this recovering addict. The relationship will either get much better or it may not last. Thats life on life's terms as we say.

marie1960

Report this woman to CPS, let the professionals figure it out.....
At the very least she is abusing the system. AND she is neglecting the kids.
Please be the voice for these children.

And why would you have to tell your BF anything?

wicked

Oh, he wouldn't need to know. I mean, not to me he wouldn't.
Anonymous. That's how it works.

Beth

onlythetruth

This is not normal AA, no. However, because of how AA as an organization structures itself, there is no way to prevent cultish subgroups from forming and doing the type of damage you are seeing.

In my area, there is a meeting something like this. It was called the "Betty and Joe Show" for the married couple who runs the group, says who gets to join, and controls everyone's lives, even to the point of saying which other meetings members get to go to, and which AA members they get to be friends with. Sickest thing you ever saw, and it has been going on for years. Nothing can be done about it. Very sad to see a newcomer sucked into that.

SadHeart

I guess he's getting something out of it though; it must be meeting some need in him--or else he wouldn't keep going back. And since he's gone to other meetings, he knows there are alternatives, yet chooses this.

It doesn't sound healthy to me, so I agree with your concern, but that's not really your business. You can't save him from a group you disapprove of any more than you can save him from alcohol itself.

I'm not saying this is you, but I think it's not uncommon sometimes for partners to feel a little jealous of the time and effort the RA puts into their recovery and their new group and social activities. The group I attend suggests that RAs are not really suitable for relationships the first year of sobriety. They don't advocate you split up (unless you want to), but do suggest you expect less relationship-type of interaction for a while, or at least not be surprised if it does happen.

Are you attending an Al-Anon type group for yourself?

AmandaOliver

That's too bad that some groups are like that...I know that my bf has said that he does not agree with their idea that they should all go to the same meetings every day. The few times he has branched out he has ended up meeting some people that he really clicked with, however he ultimately always goes back to the same group, I think maybe because they do run his life for him so he is held accountable to go and he doesn't trust himself to be disciplined enough otherwise. Anyway it seems to me that they have replaced alcohol with AA and it is just as bad.

I mentioned this in another post but not in this one - my bf does not have facebook - he doesn't want it - so they created a facebook page for him without his permission (or so he says) using his email address and his last name but with a fake first name and a fake picture. Then they added all of the AA people as his "friends". The way I found this account was that because it is under his email address it came up under people I might know. So I asked him about it and he told me they set it up for him because they use it to communicate about AA. I feel that is an invasion of privacy and that he should report it to facebook and have them delete the account but he says it's no big deal.

I have not attended al anon yet. I am looking into it. I wanted to see first if we are even going to work on the relationship. I guess it wouldn't hurt to go regardless just to see why I am even putting up with this for so long to begin with. I have gone back and forth between being angry and hurt that he has this extremely active social life that I am excluded from and that he is confiding in these people, to beating myself up for not being supportive enough of AA. That's what it always comes down to. I guess I am jealous of it but I also think it's extreme. And I always am the one to give in and apologize and tell him I was wrong and I need to be more supportive. And then it happens all over again because I end up being unhappy.

Honestly I think the only way anything is going to change is if he actually thinks he might lose me. And even then I'm not sure he's not too wrapped up in AA to even care but I have to be prepared for that I guess.

scrambled2012

"They also wanted him to install gps software on his phone that would allow them to track where he is at all times."
Holy ****, dude.

keltie

^ yeah, what Scrambled said....holy s#@!

Justfor1

This is not typical AA. However, there is often a small sub-groups that can be like a cult. It doesn't appear as this group is even helping because he keep drinking.

AmandaOliver

I know! I have a feeling that the time he drank in the restaurant is not the only time that he has drank. I have seen a couple of bottles lying around and a glass with what looked like wine in it that when I asked about it he put it in the trash and later I went back to the trash and was going to try and taste it but he had gone back in and rinsed it out. Yet I'm pretty sure that he is being honest with them and telling them about these instances. And I could be wrong too, maybe the beer was the only time. But he also tells me he is unsure if he even has a drinking problem so maybe he is testing himself to see if he does? Honestly it seems like he enjoys AA for the spiritual and social aspect and doesn't even think he has a drinking problem (which he has said) but I think he is probably in denial. He has ADD and will start project and work on it obsessively but then not finish and move on to something else so that his whole life is chaos with a million unfinished things going at once. So, I think right now his current obsession is AA but I doubt it will last because he's been on and off with it since 98.

I find this whole cult phenonmenon to be very interesting esp. since they are able to exert such influence on people who are otherwise intelligent, grown people. My bf will not tell them no to anything. He would have to call and check in with them if he did go to a different meeting then them. It's very strange. I thought AA was supposed to help people and that help would be as much or as little as a person needed/wanted. I know some people who go every day and some who go once a week and they are both fine. I just don't get this telling people how they have to do it.

NoelleR

Justfor1 called, however, I would go a bit further.......this is NOT AA; it's come kind of cult fashioned after AA, but definitely NOT AA.

.....as per some of your quotes..........:

1) "...I find this whole cult phenonmenon to be very interesting esp. since they are able to exert such influence on people who are otherwise intelligent, grown people..." --- You're absolutely correct; this IS a cult, and definitely NOT AA.

2) :...My bf will not tell them no to anything. He would have to call and check in with them if he did go to a different meeting then them. It's very strange..." --- Again, you're absolutely correct; it IS very strange, and again NOT AA. ...not tell them no? ...call and check in re: different meeting? Again, this is NOT AA; sounds more like 'dis'enablers anonymous.

3) "...I thought AA was supposed to help people..." --- You're absolutely correct, and 'real' AA does do just that.

4) "...I just don't get this telling people how they have to do it..." --- Although some folks in AA may feel the 'need' to tell others how to do some things, this is not AA.

If you want to know what AA is, check out their website; there's tons of info there (and one can download any/all their pamphlets and read them). Get the real scoop.

(o:
NoelleR

P.S. Alcoholics Anonymous :

P.P.S. ''...is this normal AA..." Not only is this NOT normal AA, it is NOT AA.

Cyranoak

wrong, wrong, wrong Why in God's name wouldn't you give Alanon a chance? You're like a diabetic refusing insulin because you're just not sure it will work for you. Give it a chance, then reject it if you need to.

miamifella

This may be a bit extreme but many sponsors control sponsees in similar ways. It can get down to telling people what colors they can wear and where they can live.

I always thought it a bit ridiculous and avoided that kind of sponsor. But for many newcomers, proving that they can meet these tests of willingness gave them a feeling of security. Or they may just see it as the price of making personal contact with AA members.

AmandaOliver

[QUOTE=miamifella;3356691]This may be a bit extreme but many sponsors control sponsees in similar ways. It can get down to telling people what colors they can wear and where they can live.

Really??? So this happens more than people realize. That is sad when people go there in a vulnerable state and then get taken advantage of.