ncognet000

First of all, hello. I was just working today and located this forum and decited to join. I would like some input or advise or just words of wisdom. I married my best friend almost 20 years ago and also accepted her two little boys. well now the youngest stepson is in his early 30's and is a really bad alcoholic.

I have watched him walk away from a wonderful child who is my little buddy, and he recently had another baby who is also an awsome little guy. Over the years I have watched my step son get arrested for drinking and DUI. I have watched him lose jobs from drinking.

I have watched my wife throw birthday parties for him , only to see him fail to show up due to him being drunk (This has happened twice). His little son thats 7 years old has looked him right in the eye with tears flowing and asked him to please stop drinking beer.

I have made house payments for my stepson due to his drinking. Anyways thats just the tip of the iceberg and here is my dilema. This alcoholism I feel is starting to effect my marriage as I tend to believe in "tough love" and my wife wants to continue to nuture her son. She recently told me that she was going to give him 10k to help him get his feet under him again, which I feel he will just support his drinking.

My wife is to the point with me that she will not talk about her son with me any longer. I have always had a great relationship at home and have to wonder where my step son got his alcoholism from as we dont drink at home. Is there a time to walk away? I am about at the end of my rope. Any advise?

Thank you in advance.

cfm

ncognet000 :
I'm a recovered alcoholic and my name is Chris.
Iv'e been sober along time and I am still ashamed to admit thai Iv'e done everything your stepson has done (to my step father).
I can right now write you out a 100% money back absolute garauntee that this boy will change nothing until he has lost absolutely everything and is 6 in. away for deaths doorstep. That's because he is suffering from an obseesion so powerful, subtle and overwhelming that he is now beyond human aid. He doesn't have a drinking problem. He has a thinking problem. His thinking keeps getting him drunk. He is full of angerness, fear, resentment and insecurity. I am not a victim of alcoholism. I am the perpetrator. My ex-wfe, my children, my parents, former employers.....they are the victims of alcoholism. Your stepson has 3 choices
1) sobriety
2) insanity/prison
3) death
It is impossible that there be any other. Don't let him take all of you down with him

MyBetterWorld

It sounds like you have both been enabling him (stepson) and you are ready to stop and she is not. I enabled my XAH for many years, essentially providing him with the money to continue his lifestyle (he rarely worked, got jobs and got fired) at my own financial and phychological expense. It's codependent behavior...helping others even at your own expense. Al-anon helped me greatly, possibly even saved me along with this forum. Most likely, what will happen, is your wife will give her son the 10k and within a few months everything will be the same and the money will be gone. She may just as well go throw the money into the trash. You will never see that money again. It sounds like the bigger issue though, is what it's doing to your relationship with her. Please check into Alanon. It will help you to learn how to detach with love from the situation. YOur wife should surely go too. They say it takes 5-6 meetings with a group to know if it's the group for you. If not, try another group. And keep posting here. There are many people on this board who have been through this, are still going through it, and have come out intact. Lots of wisdom around here....
M

cangel2

ncognet00

Welcome to SR.

This is a rough spot to be in for sure. It seems to me that apart from the issue with the stepson you and your wife have a long term and positive relationship. (just assuming since you mentioned marrying your best friend!).

If you can, perhaps some couples counseling to help you navigate through your differences would help. It would seem to me if the two of you can come to an agreement on how best to support your stepson (or not) and to what degree that that may be a big help. If you and your wife were on the same page it could be a big relief to you. Mind you.....compromise is likely the end result there but at least you could have mutual boundaries in place that may temper the issue.

It would seem a shame to me to give up an excellent relationship. The AlAnon meeting idea is also excellent - therapy plus meetings can be a very powerful combination.

The point I think is to work on yourself and your relationship. Once you are doing that the more difficult decisions regarding your stepson can be made from a place of strength.


Tough stuff....I am sorry you are going through this.....

ncognet000

Thank you all so much, im reading these responces and am absorbing each and every one of them. I really do appreciate them all.

tjp613

If I had to choose between my husband/best friend and my 30 yo alcoholic man/child, the man-child would lose out and have to go stand on his own two feet.

I'm the mother of a 21 yr old drug addict. I haven't had to make that choice YET, but if my hubby said, "It's me or him!" my choice would be crystal clear.

Just sayin......

ncognet000

thanks again for all the input its giving me alot to think about.

Seren

Stepmom to a 30yo alcoholic, crack addict, polysubstance abuser here......

Mr. S was a classice enabler most of his life, but when things came to a crisis point, he reached out for help and advice from folks who have been down this road already. He decided that it was time his son stood on his own two feet, that he could freely make his own choices (as bad as they have been) and handle the consequences of those choices. We allowed my stepson the dignity of living his own life as an adult.

.....and so he is. Although he still makes questionable decisions, they are his to make.

We benefit by having peaceful lives again!

Freedom1990

Ncognet000, welcome to SR.

I can give you some suggestions as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict (21+ years), and as a recovering codependent (was married to an active alcoholic/addict and I have a 34-year-old addict daughter).

The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has been a terrific resource over the years for me.

Alanon meetings have also saved me. It has helped me heal from the effects of my now deceased ex-husband's alcoholism/addiction, and continues to teach me how to deal with my 34-year-old, and my youngest too (she's an untreated codependent).

I completely understand where your wife is currently coming from because I enabled my addict daughter for years. I felt guilty about her addiction, and tried to rid myself of that guilt by doing a lot of things for her I shouldn't have. It's painful for a mother to realize she has an addicted child, and it's tough to break through the denial, for her to realize how she is hurting instead of helping. Your wife is obviously still in denial.

Speaking from the perspective of the addict, I can tell you that my parents almost loved me to death. I actually watched that happen over a period of years to another addict in the town where I live. Her father passed away years before she died, and her mother got to bury her. Her parents made sure she always had a place to live, a car to drive, financed two businesses and over a dozen rehabs for her. She never fully felt the consequences of her addiction because they always cushioned the fall.

I really encourage you to start attending Alanon or Naranon meetings (Alanon is more widely available) for yourself. The face-to-face support has been a blessing to me and reminds me I am not alone in having a loved one in addiction.

SR has been a tremendous help for me too. I truly hope you continue to post. Feel free to ask questions or vent anytime you need to. This is a very caring community of folks, all in different phases of recovery.

I will certainly keep you and yours in my prayers.

ncognet000

Thank you Freedom