First Post: My Daughter is an Alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Hi WW, I don't typically post over here in the F/F area but instead tend to stay over in the Alcoholics area but I do read over here and your story caught my attention.
As a bit of a back story building up to what I want to share, let me just say that I am 46 y/o mother of two young adults and Nonny to 1 gorgeous grandbaby. I am also what you will hear about as a "double winner". I was co-dependent LONG before I started drinking in an alcoholic way. I've been married to and divorced from a very abusive xah and am currently married to a RAH who I met in my AA group. I've seen much from many perspectives.
Anyway, 8 years ago my mother was running herself ragged trying to deal with my sister's drug use and my emerging alcoholism and the hell I was putting my then teenage children through. She was trying to "pad our corners", trying to "fix" us, make sure my kids were taken care of while I spent entire weekends in a black-out drunk, trying to deal with me as I was taking a short, swift and deadly course towards organ failure from alcohol while at the same time trying to keep my sister from ODing on PCP, searching her room for signs of it, driving in HORRIBLE neighborhoods looking for her drug=dealer, etc. If you were to look up co-dependent in the encyclopedia I feel certain you would see a pick of my mom.
On Tuesday July 6, 2004 she finally had had enough of my alcoholism. She told me that she was done running interference for me and that it was time to do something about my drinking or else I would have to leave (I had gotten evicted, moved in with a crackhead and her crackhead boyfriend and finally I moved back home. My kids had been living with my mom during the end of this). She said much much more than that but looking back I can't tell you what her words were but bottom line was that she was done with my addiction.
She caught me at just the right time. I was sick and scared and bottom line is I knew she was right. I started attending A.A. that night and got sober after a month's time of going and listening. I haven't had a drink since 8/8/04.
My mom and I are very close and it killed her to have to put her foot down with me but ultimately she saved my life for had I not quit drinking I feel certain I would be long gone by now as my liver and kidneys were not functioning as they should. I will forever owe her a debt of gratitude for loving me enough to let go and allow me to reap the consequences of my actions and choices.
As a parent myself, I can imagine what it would feel like to have to step back and let your child (even an adult one) find their own way but without it, there is no real incentive to stop. Consequences of our actions tend to get our attention, or at least in my case they were (are). As hard as it may be going against your parental instincts to shelter your child (adult or not) tough love may just be the kindest, most loving and overall best choice you could make for you and your daughter.
Generally, an alcoholic/addict finally decides to try sobriety because their addictions/actions have landed them in a situation(s) while realizing that they are not going to be scooped up, dusted off, patted on the head and told to be careful "next time". In A.A. we call it finding our bottom. By stepping back and letting your daughter sit in jail for not dealing with HER warrant, you are making a powerful statement at a time where she has very little to do other than sit and think in jail!
By refusing to come running to the rescue to save her whatever other consequences of her actions that may arise you are allowing them to experience life on life's terms and hopefully, they will make better decisions the more they realize that they no longer have the fall-back person(s).
In the meantime, you can begin the process of reclaiming your life. You are in good, supportive hands here so please stay. Al-Anon is awesome for face to face support and learning how to practice self-care so that you can maintain your sanity and make it through one of the most difficult situations a parent can go through.
Arm yourself with knowledge, establish boundaries, STICK TO THOSE BOUNDARIES, AND HANG IN THERE KNOWING YOU ARE ACTING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.
Hugs,
Kellye
P.S. Sorry for writing a novel but I hope you will find some hope in my words. Addicts can and do recover but they have to do it themselves to have a meaningful shot at success.
As a bit of a back story building up to what I want to share, let me just say that I am 46 y/o mother of two young adults and Nonny to 1 gorgeous grandbaby. I am also what you will hear about as a "double winner". I was co-dependent LONG before I started drinking in an alcoholic way. I've been married to and divorced from a very abusive xah and am currently married to a RAH who I met in my AA group. I've seen much from many perspectives.
Anyway, 8 years ago my mother was running herself ragged trying to deal with my sister's drug use and my emerging alcoholism and the hell I was putting my then teenage children through. She was trying to "pad our corners", trying to "fix" us, make sure my kids were taken care of while I spent entire weekends in a black-out drunk, trying to deal with me as I was taking a short, swift and deadly course towards organ failure from alcohol while at the same time trying to keep my sister from ODing on PCP, searching her room for signs of it, driving in HORRIBLE neighborhoods looking for her drug=dealer, etc. If you were to look up co-dependent in the encyclopedia I feel certain you would see a pick of my mom.
On Tuesday July 6, 2004 she finally had had enough of my alcoholism. She told me that she was done running interference for me and that it was time to do something about my drinking or else I would have to leave (I had gotten evicted, moved in with a crackhead and her crackhead boyfriend and finally I moved back home. My kids had been living with my mom during the end of this). She said much much more than that but looking back I can't tell you what her words were but bottom line was that she was done with my addiction.
She caught me at just the right time. I was sick and scared and bottom line is I knew she was right. I started attending A.A. that night and got sober after a month's time of going and listening. I haven't had a drink since 8/8/04.
My mom and I are very close and it killed her to have to put her foot down with me but ultimately she saved my life for had I not quit drinking I feel certain I would be long gone by now as my liver and kidneys were not functioning as they should. I will forever owe her a debt of gratitude for loving me enough to let go and allow me to reap the consequences of my actions and choices.
As a parent myself, I can imagine what it would feel like to have to step back and let your child (even an adult one) find their own way but without it, there is no real incentive to stop. Consequences of our actions tend to get our attention, or at least in my case they were (are). As hard as it may be going against your parental instincts to shelter your child (adult or not) tough love may just be the kindest, most loving and overall best choice you could make for you and your daughter.
Generally, an alcoholic/addict finally decides to try sobriety because their addictions/actions have landed them in a situation(s) while realizing that they are not going to be scooped up, dusted off, patted on the head and told to be careful "next time". In A.A. we call it finding our bottom. By stepping back and letting your daughter sit in jail for not dealing with HER warrant, you are making a powerful statement at a time where she has very little to do other than sit and think in jail!
By refusing to come running to the rescue to save her whatever other consequences of her actions that may arise you are allowing them to experience life on life's terms and hopefully, they will make better decisions the more they realize that they no longer have the fall-back person(s).
In the meantime, you can begin the process of reclaiming your life. You are in good, supportive hands here so please stay. Al-Anon is awesome for face to face support and learning how to practice self-care so that you can maintain your sanity and make it through one of the most difficult situations a parent can go through.
Arm yourself with knowledge, establish boundaries, STICK TO THOSE BOUNDARIES, AND HANG IN THERE KNOWING YOU ARE ACTING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.
Hugs,
Kellye
P.S. Sorry for writing a novel but I hope you will find some hope in my words. Addicts can and do recover but they have to do it themselves to have a meaningful shot at success.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
Kellye,
Thanks for the words of hope and experience. That's quite the back story!
"allowing her to experience life on life's terms" is exactly our plan.
Have read a lot about the need for her to reach her bottom.
Will be VERY happy if a week or two in the slammer is her bottom.
Thanks all!
Thanks for the words of hope and experience. That's quite the back story!
"allowing her to experience life on life's terms" is exactly our plan.
Have read a lot about the need for her to reach her bottom.
Will be VERY happy if a week or two in the slammer is her bottom.
Thanks all!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Whitewater 
Thanks everyone for the comments and support. From several months of following this site, I knew it was a safe place for support and advice. I've also learned to view her behavior and physical appearence as the results of a progressive disease.
She has been to AA, but was not ready to quit and was turned off by the overly religious aspects. She turned down the intervention and 28 day treatment center because she does not see a problem! I live in a small town and the local Al Anon meetings over the winter were 2-3 people. I'll give it another try because I certainly see the advantage of a support group.
I've done a lot of the reading on this site and will be looking for the book "The Lost Years". Most of the reading gives me a better understanding of the disease but also a greater feeling of helplessness. By nature, I am the type when I see a problem, I want to study it and FIX IT! Frustrated and helpless!
I wasn't downplaying the problems of an addicted spouse, just pointing out that the advice of "leave them, move on, find someone better"' does not work when it is your child. As a parent of an adult alcoholic, my contact is minimal (her choice not mine) and reading some of the other posts, I can not imagine how it would be to live with an alcoholic 24/7.
Before this last year, I had much more contact with her. I brought her up enjoying together all of the recreational opportunities that the mountains provide, skiing, hiking, camping, shoeshoeing and whitewater. She worked in the ski and whitewater industry for years but has lost all interest and motivation. I had been pushing to keep her involved because that is something we have always shared. But as part of her disease she has not just lost the interest and motivation but has also lost the physical edge and reaction time. I no longer feel safe taking her some of the places that we used to go. Ironically, I'm in the best shape of my life because of her. I wanted to stay on top of my game so I could still keep up when she was 30 and I was 60. I've lost my best ski and boating buddy! Part of my work is to stay motivated and active, for me, not her.
Thanks again for the continued support! A best wishes to everyone in their own struggles.
For now, everytime I see or talk to her, I will tell her I love her and I am here for her.
She has been to AA, but was not ready to quit and was turned off by the overly religious aspects. She turned down the intervention and 28 day treatment center because she does not see a problem! I live in a small town and the local Al Anon meetings over the winter were 2-3 people. I'll give it another try because I certainly see the advantage of a support group.
I've done a lot of the reading on this site and will be looking for the book "The Lost Years". Most of the reading gives me a better understanding of the disease but also a greater feeling of helplessness. By nature, I am the type when I see a problem, I want to study it and FIX IT! Frustrated and helpless!
I wasn't downplaying the problems of an addicted spouse, just pointing out that the advice of "leave them, move on, find someone better"' does not work when it is your child. As a parent of an adult alcoholic, my contact is minimal (her choice not mine) and reading some of the other posts, I can not imagine how it would be to live with an alcoholic 24/7.
Before this last year, I had much more contact with her. I brought her up enjoying together all of the recreational opportunities that the mountains provide, skiing, hiking, camping, shoeshoeing and whitewater. She worked in the ski and whitewater industry for years but has lost all interest and motivation. I had been pushing to keep her involved because that is something we have always shared. But as part of her disease she has not just lost the interest and motivation but has also lost the physical edge and reaction time. I no longer feel safe taking her some of the places that we used to go. Ironically, I'm in the best shape of my life because of her. I wanted to stay on top of my game so I could still keep up when she was 30 and I was 60. I've lost my best ski and boating buddy! Part of my work is to stay motivated and active, for me, not her.
Thanks again for the continued support! A best wishes to everyone in their own struggles.
For now, everytime I see or talk to her, I will tell her I love her and I am here for her.
Whitewater;
You and your daughter are in my heart and thoughts. I can not imagine how frustrated you feel, but even though I just joined this sight; I did go to Al-anon for a period of time when I was married to an alcoholic. I was a bitter sweet feeling that I was not the only one that was going through this. It really helps talking about it.....or just listening to others. Good luck to you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
whitewater, just to clarify, i'm the alcoholic..i am just approaching close to a yr. sober.
i am one of the lucky ones who decided i could change my life before losing everything. it was NOT a perfect path, but it's so much better.
i am one of the lucky ones who decided i could change my life before losing everything. it was NOT a perfect path, but it's so much better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Fandy
whitewater, just to clarify, i'm the alcoholic..i am just approaching close to a yr. sober.
i am one of the lucky ones who decided i could change my life before losing everything. it was NOT a perfect path, but it's so much better.
i am one of the lucky ones who decided i could change my life before losing everything. it was NOT a perfect path, but it's so much better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by Whitewater
Kellye,
Thanks for the words of hope and experience. That's quite the back story!
"allowing her to experience life on life's terms" is exactly our plan.
Have read a lot about the need for her to reach her bottom.
Will be VERY happy if a week or two in the slammer is her bottom.
Thanks all!
Thanks for the words of hope and experience. That's quite the back story!
"allowing her to experience life on life's terms" is exactly our plan.
Have read a lot about the need for her to reach her bottom.
Will be VERY happy if a week or two in the slammer is her bottom.
Thanks all!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I have met recovering alcoholics whose bottom was getting arrested and perceiving jail as more painful than the pleasure of continuing to drink. Others I have met needed prison time to get sober.
However; they are all now grateful they spent jail and/ or prison time.
However; they are all now grateful they spent jail and/ or prison time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
As you can see from the posts jail isn't everybody's moment of awareness. That said, it was the turning point for my wife's sobriety. I hope the same for your daughter. I also hope one of the guards is so wicked and mean that your daughter is still talking about her two years later.
I'm fairly certain had it been a two day vacation she'd still be drinking. I'll be forever grateful to that guard who made sure it was anything but. My wife now equates drinking to jail, and jail to that guard. She will do anything to not go back to jail. Sometimes I think it's the only thing keeping her sober.
Cyranoak
P.s. The hard part is appearing solemn when she tells the stories. It always just makes me want to laugh-- especially the part where my wife, who thinks she's so clever when she's drunk, refused to answer their questions about having anything concealed on her-- about one minute later she was strip searched-- and I mean searched OBGYN style. That's when she realized her life was out of control. That's when she began her journey towards sobriety.
I'm fairly certain had it been a two day vacation she'd still be drinking. I'll be forever grateful to that guard who made sure it was anything but. My wife now equates drinking to jail, and jail to that guard. She will do anything to not go back to jail. Sometimes I think it's the only thing keeping her sober.
Cyranoak
P.s. The hard part is appearing solemn when she tells the stories. It always just makes me want to laugh-- especially the part where my wife, who thinks she's so clever when she's drunk, refused to answer their questions about having anything concealed on her-- about one minute later she was strip searched-- and I mean searched OBGYN style. That's when she realized her life was out of control. That's when she began her journey towards sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
As you can see from the posts jail isn't everybody's moment of awareness. That said, it was the turning point for my wife's sobriety. I hope the same for your daughter. I also hope one of the guards is so wicked and mean that your daughter is still talking about her two years later.
I'm fairly certain had it been a two day vacation she'd still be drinking. I'll be forever grateful to that guard who made sure it was anything but. My wife now equates drinking to jail, and jail to that guard. She will do anything to not go back to jail. Sometimes I think it's the only thing keeping her sober.
Cyranoak
P.s. The hard part is appearing solemn when she tells the stories. It always just makes me want to laugh-- especially the part where my wife, who thinks she's so clever when she's drunk, refused to answer their questions about having anything concealed on her-- about one minute later she was strip searched-- and I mean searched OBGYN style. That's when she realized her life was out of control. That's when she began her journey towards sobriety.
I'm fairly certain had it been a two day vacation she'd still be drinking. I'll be forever grateful to that guard who made sure it was anything but. My wife now equates drinking to jail, and jail to that guard. She will do anything to not go back to jail. Sometimes I think it's the only thing keeping her sober.
Cyranoak
P.s. The hard part is appearing solemn when she tells the stories. It always just makes me want to laugh-- especially the part where my wife, who thinks she's so clever when she's drunk, refused to answer their questions about having anything concealed on her-- about one minute later she was strip searched-- and I mean searched OBGYN style. That's when she realized her life was out of control. That's when she began her journey towards sobriety.
She keeps saying how bad jail is and how horrified she is to think our daughter is in jail. Today at the first court appearance, we saw her in jail cloths and handcuffs. As much as it made her mom cry, I was glad to see it
was not going to be easy and maybe could be her turning point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
Saw her in court again today. She has the DTs really bad and the DA and Public Defender decided she was unable to participate in court proceedings.
So pushed back to Thursday. She seems confused and unsure what is going on. It is so hard to see her like this. With withdrawal being this bad, the drinking must have been much more than we thought. We did talk to the jail medical staff and she is being closely monitored. She needs to get thru withdrawal and then when she is released she will be monitored by the court.
So hard to watch, but realize this is the best place for her to be since she can not leave. Her BF is also convinced not to bail her out until she clears medical.
So pushed back to Thursday. She seems confused and unsure what is going on. It is so hard to see her like this. With withdrawal being this bad, the drinking must have been much more than we thought. We did talk to the jail medical staff and she is being closely monitored. She needs to get thru withdrawal and then when she is released she will be monitored by the court.
So hard to watch, but realize this is the best place for her to be since she can not leave. Her BF is also convinced not to bail her out until she clears medical.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
When my stepson went through DT's in a hospital, he was not thinking clearly at all for several days--nearly 1 week. Since your daughter is receiving medical care, she is in good hands.
I know this is hard for you and your wife, though. Take care of yourselves through all of this!
I know this is hard for you and your wife, though. Take care of yourselves through all of this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
She was back in court today. She gets out tomorrow, so seven days served plus 30 days of house arrest so she can keep her job. Hard to watch, but she swears she has learned her lesson and with 12 months of alcohol monitoring she has a great opportunity to stay sober. Its all up to her, we'll just watch and pray!
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