I'm an evil person
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
Oh, Nancy, I feel your pain. I watched my SIL die from liver disease, and it was not pretty. I thank you for your post, because I have been having those thoughts about my daughter, and thought I must be a horrible person for wishing her own child dead. I felt like I was the only person on the planet who wanted her child off the face of the earth. It is a relief to read about others who have felt the same way about the addict/alcoholic in their lives.
I am really starting to think that my daughter IS evil, and has a black hole for a heart. I was up all night thinking about all the terrible things she has done to me the past 10 years and have come to the conclusion that she is not right in her mind, the booze has affected her brain.
That makes me feel bad about wishing her ill will because how can you hate someone who is mentally ill, especially your child? I alternate between love, sorrow, anger, hate for my child. And then I think of what she did to my dad last night, and you know what? She DOES deserve whatever comes her way. I have put up with her manipulations for 35 years and I am done, done, done. I am going to put it into God's hands and let Him guide me, and I will not feel guilty for being human and wanting those that are cruel and heartless to disappear forever. She may be an A, but she is still capable of knowing right from wrong, and she is knowingly using her addiction to control other's lives. Why should I feel guilty for being disgusted with her?
So please, Nancy, take strength in knowing that you are NOT evil; in fact you are an amazing, awesome woman who is standing by and being there for her husband. You are honoring your vows of for better or worse, so do not belittle yourself. Rather, allow yourself the luxury of indulging into fantasies of anything you need to in order to escape your situation, if even only for a few seconds. Hugs and much respect to you as you struggle through this difficult time.
I am really starting to think that my daughter IS evil, and has a black hole for a heart. I was up all night thinking about all the terrible things she has done to me the past 10 years and have come to the conclusion that she is not right in her mind, the booze has affected her brain.
That makes me feel bad about wishing her ill will because how can you hate someone who is mentally ill, especially your child? I alternate between love, sorrow, anger, hate for my child. And then I think of what she did to my dad last night, and you know what? She DOES deserve whatever comes her way. I have put up with her manipulations for 35 years and I am done, done, done. I am going to put it into God's hands and let Him guide me, and I will not feel guilty for being human and wanting those that are cruel and heartless to disappear forever. She may be an A, but she is still capable of knowing right from wrong, and she is knowingly using her addiction to control other's lives. Why should I feel guilty for being disgusted with her?
So please, Nancy, take strength in knowing that you are NOT evil; in fact you are an amazing, awesome woman who is standing by and being there for her husband. You are honoring your vows of for better or worse, so do not belittle yourself. Rather, allow yourself the luxury of indulging into fantasies of anything you need to in order to escape your situation, if even only for a few seconds. Hugs and much respect to you as you struggle through this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I would daydream about all the horrid ways my AXH would die, and I would get to be the grieving widow. Oh yes, that would have been so lovely, I thought. Until I ran into someone whose AH died. And that came with its own set of pains and sufferings.
He wasn't even dying, and I wanted him to. I think that's your way of trying to find a way out of an impossible situation. You'd like to run but for whatever reason, you choose not to. But you still want the situation to go away. Utterly normal, I think.
He wasn't even dying, and I wanted him to. I think that's your way of trying to find a way out of an impossible situation. You'd like to run but for whatever reason, you choose not to. But you still want the situation to go away. Utterly normal, I think.
So...here I am...about 4 wks out from getting out...and just praying every day that God be with me...let me find the compassion for him again...but I think God doesn't want me to live this way: unhappy and mistreated so I know I'm doing the right thing. ....in a nutshell. No, you are not evil. Your just at the end of your rope.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
