Nancy777

I have the most horrible thought about the situation I'm in. I think them then right after I tell myself how wrong it is to think like that.
I love my husband and want to be there for him but it just gets harder and harder each day. I've tried to help him through his recovery by making sure he takes him medication, is comfortable, has what he wants when he wants it and being positive. It seems like none of it is good enough. He always says something disrespectful or it's G** damn it, or eyes rolling ect. So I've stopped. If he takes his meds, he does, if he doesn't then that's up to him. If he drinks to much (not alcohol ) then he has to deal with the uncomfortable situation. I know nothing he has all the answers. This morning he went off to work in pain. He's been in pain all week, but won't go to the doctors. I think he has a bladder infection, but what do I know.
Back to the thoughts for the most part I think I can't wait till this is over and I pray to god sometimes to make it happen soon. I feel so bad about this way of thinking. Has anyone had thoughts like this when they were going through recovery with someone who has end stage liver failure due to drinking?

ichabod

Oh Nancy, you aren't evil, you are human.

I've not faced what you are with a dying spouse, but I can absolutely relate to a stubborn know-it-all alcoholic who won't follow medical advice and won't accept help without being a butt about it. I do what you do and tell him, "fine, it's on you." And it really is. He will make his decisions and live or die by them and there's nothing you can do.

My RAH used to tell me that he should just kill himself. More than once I said or thought, "so shut up about it and do it already.". I'm not evil either but there's just so much a person can take.

Hopeworks

What kind of recovery were you trying to help him through? If he is drinking and not following medical advice he is a long way from recovery of any kind.

And when they are a long way from recovery any efforts made by you or me or anyone else are counterproductive.

My Relapsed A is in Vegas drinking up the Strip and harassing me by telephone messages and texts... nasty, threatening messages as well as blaming me for "his dying out there" and I have thought to myself... when ????

Now I don't mean it... I don't want him to die and would love for him to find real surrender and recovery... so when I have the angry thought I rephrase it in a prayer to my and his HP... releasing God to do whatever is best for him as he knows him best, his past, present and the future.

It works... he is not YOUR responsibility... he is a grown man and in theory he would be taking care of YOU!!! Release him to God when you have thoughts that you make you uncomfortable... we ALL have them when we start getting WELL!!!!

Nancy777

Thanks for the help. My husband came home from work and I can't really respond to this thread till monday

tabatha

Being with someone who has end stage liver disease from alcohol is really really difficult. I hope you are getting counseling and have been informed as to what this all involves. At least he has stopped drinking. My XABF was in end stage liver disease due to alcohol and he was very difficult to be around. It produces such physical and mental changes that he would say that he just wanted to die. There were times that I actually thought to myself "maybe you should." Then I would feel guilty about the horrible thoughts I had. I would also have resentful thoughts that would come up - like "This could have been prevented if you had just stopped the alcohol and everything would have been fine." Then the guilt again because I know this is a disease. I'm sad to say my XABF died from esophageal variceal bleeding. He could not stop drinking. I'm pretty sure all these 'evil thoughts' are pretty common when dealing with this type of situation. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this is to cope with.

NYCDoglvr

Please don't think you're evil. It must be torture seeing someone kill themselves by their actions ... I can't imagine how horrible it is. What's important is that YOU get the support you need, friends and/or family. Go to Al-anon where everyone in the room will understand. Don't beat yourself up for thoughts and feelings, though.

Cyranoak

That's a little grandiose. Hitler was evil. Idi Amin was evil. Richard Butler was evil. Pol Pot was evil. Ted Bundy was evil.

You are human, and you are with an alcoholic. You are anything but evil.

Take care,

Cyranoak

onajourney

nancy, you are human and i agree with previous posters. it is a very tiring illness and wearing. i have not been in your situation. my thoughts and prayers are with you, it must be soo hard( understaetment) but try to use all the support you have to look after you too.
sending hugs and thinking of you.

Verbena

More than once I've thought something like: Maybe he'll fall off the dang ladder and land on his head.

When he whined about not wanting to live during a drunken episode, I thought "do something about it and give me some peace".

I'm not evil. I'm human. And, so are you.

inpieces314

Everyone wishes someone in their life were dead at one point or another. Whether or not they are an addict is irrelevant, because everyone has those thoughts, even about perfect seeming people.

What is the deciding factor against being evil and not being evil? Acting on those thoughts. You can think whatever you want, it's in your own head, and no one can penalize you for that. No one can judge you either, because they are not in your head, and they do not see why you think the way you do.

It's kind of like that old saying, if you are questioning your sanity, then you aren't insane. If you are questioning whether or not you are an evil person, then you aren't. Otherwise you would know it, and wouldn't care.

FindingJoy

Why cant you come on to SR until Monday? Does your husband prevent you from coming to this site or online?

lillamy

I would daydream about all the horrid ways my AXH would die, and I would get to be the grieving widow. Oh yes, that would have been so lovely, I thought. Until I ran into someone whose AH died. And that came with its own set of pains and sufferings.

He wasn't even dying, and I wanted him to. I think that's your way of trying to find a way out of an impossible situation. You'd like to run but for whatever reason, you choose not to. But you still want the situation to go away. Utterly normal, I think.

ajnaT

I have a next door neighbour with HIV,Hep C and is recovering from a stroke. He drinks cask wine until the bladder is dry, buys another one and starts again. When he is broke his enabling family keep him supplied. He is drunk 24/7.

Since I quit booze he has been very angry with me and is fixated on me to the point of waiting for me to go to my letterbox so he can go to his rubbish bin and he waits so he can call me all the names under the sun. He is an oxygen thief and I sometimes look forward to his incipient passing.

Illness or not, he is an evil man who cares only about him and I don't feel guilty about it.

It was the same when my father took his life when I was 14. It was a relief because I could get on with my life instead of being his carer. No, I am not evil but I have questioned myself.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Addicts can be so selfish.

NoTears

Nancy, this website chronicles one person's experience -

The Immortal Alcoholic

x

Nancy777

[QUOTE=NoTears;3334360]Nancy, this website chronicles one person's experience -




Thank you, I'm going to read that site when I have time. I'm sure it will help.

Nancy777

Thank you for understanding. I thought I already had a hard life before I got into this relationship, but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
He's finally talking about it. (thank prayer and god for that) but he's so negative. I've run out of things to say. Last night I said pretty much what you did. "ok no one can help you and you know everything" I wish he would come to church with me or go to concealing. My hands are tied, not sure where to go from here.

Nancy777

I couldn't make it through my day if I didn't pray/talk to God. It does help me and some of the things I've prayed about have happened. I guess I need to pray for his mental state. He's really down right now and beating himself up over all the things he did wrong in his past.

Nancy777

I'm so sorry about your lose. He certainly is going through alot of mental and physical changes. He's said the same thing as your XABF. Can't wait to die so he doesn't have to deal with it. I wish I could do more, but I know I can't.
I do feel quilty for not trying harder to stop his drinking. What makes it worse is his brother blamed me for all this.

Nancy777

He doesn't prevent me from coming online. I don't want him to know about this site. If he ever read my posts it would crush him. He's going through enough already.

Nancy777

Thank you, I'm going to read that site when I have time. I'm sure it will help.