New Relationship with a Recovering Alchoholic
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
It's not your heart, it's codependency. You are in trouble here, not in love.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
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FLORENCE,
It just... you can walk away from all this pain and confusion and loss and disappointment. You're getting a taste of it now and asking us what's up. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have walked away. And it would have been the right thing to do to keep me sane, stable, healthy, and happy. I'm here now, and I've chosen to stay in this relationship today. But if I could do it all over...[/QUOTE]
I am getting a taste of it. And the confusion is more on my ignorance of the disease than anything else. I need facts....that is why I have done research online and led me here. I did not know him when he was drinking. From everything that I have been told, he was the typical guy who liked to party and go out. Then it progressed as a way to escape a very bad relationship. He made the decision to get out of the relationship and take stock of his life. To change it. He wants to live a long and healthy life. I admire what he has done and where he wants to go.
What....just what if....I do walk away and miss out on the best thing that could have been? For both of us. I was in a one-sided relationship for way too long. I have NO INTENTION of doing it again. I know I can't change anyone. The only one I am responsible to change is myself. I am in a place where I am ready to take that step. He has said he wants a future with me but needs to slow it down. All I can do is respect that...respect him for realizing that he IS NOT ready to handle the emotions and intimacy at this time. If another man asked for a little time, due to any other reason that being an alcoholic....wouldn't we comply?
It just... you can walk away from all this pain and confusion and loss and disappointment. You're getting a taste of it now and asking us what's up. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have walked away. And it would have been the right thing to do to keep me sane, stable, healthy, and happy. I'm here now, and I've chosen to stay in this relationship today. But if I could do it all over...[/QUOTE]
I am getting a taste of it. And the confusion is more on my ignorance of the disease than anything else. I need facts....that is why I have done research online and led me here. I did not know him when he was drinking. From everything that I have been told, he was the typical guy who liked to party and go out. Then it progressed as a way to escape a very bad relationship. He made the decision to get out of the relationship and take stock of his life. To change it. He wants to live a long and healthy life. I admire what he has done and where he wants to go.
What....just what if....I do walk away and miss out on the best thing that could have been? For both of us. I was in a one-sided relationship for way too long. I have NO INTENTION of doing it again. I know I can't change anyone. The only one I am responsible to change is myself. I am in a place where I am ready to take that step. He has said he wants a future with me but needs to slow it down. All I can do is respect that...respect him for realizing that he IS NOT ready to handle the emotions and intimacy at this time. If another man asked for a little time, due to any other reason that being an alcoholic....wouldn't we comply?
Last edited by JCE36; 03-22-2012 at 01:22 PM. Reason: Response to Florence - I appreciate all of the advise I know your intentions are to spare me...I get it!!
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If another man asked for a little time, due to any other reason that being an alcoholic....wouldn't we comply?
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I know this might sound snotty, but I mean it sincerely: you've known this man 2 months and here you are on a forum seeking help/advice!
If your daughter was in your situation after meeting someone two months ago, what would you say to her?
I really think a step back for perspective is needed here.
For the record, if I knew my AH was going to be an alcoholic, I would have turned and ran in the other direction. He's a good, kind man, works hard and tries to do the right thing, never loud, abusive, or mistreating me, but an alcoholic all the same and he's just not there for me. It's pretty lonely when I stop and think about it. Thank goodness I have a program, but it would have been nicer not to need one.
If your daughter was in your situation after meeting someone two months ago, what would you say to her?
I really think a step back for perspective is needed here.
For the record, if I knew my AH was going to be an alcoholic, I would have turned and ran in the other direction. He's a good, kind man, works hard and tries to do the right thing, never loud, abusive, or mistreating me, but an alcoholic all the same and he's just not there for me. It's pretty lonely when I stop and think about it. Thank goodness I have a program, but it would have been nicer not to need one.
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Originally Posted by Florence
Honestly, no. We'd be having the "he's just not that into you" conversation. And the "you're too cute for that crap" conversation.
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Originally Posted by JCE36
thanks....I do believe it scares the crap out him. I have heard he has the same pattern with his family and friends. Retreats to the confines of his house. From what I know....it was a HUGE step for him to even follow through with our dates. Perhaps he is afraid that the feelings we have for each other will just replace his one addiction with another. And that would not work out. which is why he is slowing things down. He seems to be in tune with what he needs right now to be sober. I just need to trust in him and trust his feelings for me. What will be will be.
He sounds so much like my XAH, he did not get drunk at bars, he stayed home, he was/is a "family man", he had few if any friends, so I felt I was the only one that understood him, poor him..right!...wrong. He Isolated not just him but me and our children.
A friend told me that he knows when a person is in recovery from the addict. they start talking about themselves and not the alcoholic.
Now it makes sense to me, few years ago.... there is no way no one knew that special connection I had with my alcoholic.
I knew what he was thinking, feeling and doing and I wasted all my energy on him and emotionally abandom me and the rest of my family.
There is a pattern in all this, keep reading this site. It is okay to love him, but for your own sake...go to al-anon or any recovery program.
Take care we love you!
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Originally Posted by wellnowwhat
I know this might sound snotty, but I mean it sincerely: you've known this man 2 months and here you are on a forum seeking help/advice!
If your daughter was in your situation after meeting someone two months ago, what would you say to her?
I really think a step back for perspective is needed here.
For the record, if I knew my AH was going to be an alcoholic, I would have turned and ran in the other direction. He's a good, kind man, works hard and tries to do the right thing, never loud, abusive, or mistreating me, but an alcoholic all the same and he's just not there for me. It's pretty lonely when I stop and think about it. Thank goodness I have a program, but it would have been nicer not to need one.
If your daughter was in your situation after meeting someone two months ago, what would you say to her?
I really think a step back for perspective is needed here.
For the record, if I knew my AH was going to be an alcoholic, I would have turned and ran in the other direction. He's a good, kind man, works hard and tries to do the right thing, never loud, abusive, or mistreating me, but an alcoholic all the same and he's just not there for me. It's pretty lonely when I stop and think about it. Thank goodness I have a program, but it would have been nicer not to need one.
WOW...I am sensing a lot of cyniscim on this site!! And I can understand and appreciate that. Yes, only a couple of months. But that is not unheard of. Sometimes the most unexpected things just happen...and happen quickly. Sounds crazy, I know....we know. Look...I have not committed to him. I am just trying to learn!!! Get some opinions. I will take all of your advice and opinions, along with the facts that I have read.
One thing I have learned. You need to trust your heart. Sometimes your head is so jaded it can't hear the good through the bad.
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The thing that concerns me most about this thread is all the "meant to be," "God's will," "instant connection" stuff. I once thought that way about love, too. Now I see it all as big red flags. Signs that I am not living in reality. That I have slipped into magical thinking and am trying to write a happily ever after ending to my own personal fairy tale. Neither you nor any of us can know what's going on with him. What I'm concerned about is what's going on with you after knowing this man for "a couple of months."
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Originally Posted by m1k3
deleted... no need to participate in this any more. 
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
The thing that concerns me most about this thread is all the "meant to be," "God's will," "instant connection" stuff. I once thought that way about love, too. Now I see it all as big red flags. Signs that I am not living in reality. That I have slipped into magical thinking and am trying to write a happily ever after ending to my own personal fairy tale. Neither you nor any of us can know what's going on with him. What I'm concerned about is what's going on with you after knowing this man for "a couple of months."
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This is a good thread. It has helped me and I thank you for that.
I am not really trying to change your mind about anything with this next share. You've stated your intentions and I"m not trying to argue with you about it.
This post/share is in the spirit of the thread topic.
When I was very lost I saw a counselor for a short time. I could not articulate what I wanted or needed or what a good relationship was or looked like. I just no longer had answers to those questions. I didn't know, and maybe never knew. She asked me if I knew anyone that I felt had it together. I did/do. I've known her all my life and I'm close enough to know some of the details of her life. She has a great marriage, a great husband. How does she do that? I really thought about it and it was not luck. It was not how hard she tried. She wasn't smarter or prettier or whatever. She did one thing I did not do. She let people go. She has the inner sense of what is good for her and when she gets involved with someone that turns out to not be good for her (and it has happened) she lets them go or cuts them lose. She does it in all areas of her life and not in a mean way either. I never did that. I never let anyone go. Someone wanders into my life and they stay there until they wander out. I've cut one person lose. 2 yrs ago at the age of 40. I'm a strong and independent woman too. I put myself though school, had a job, lived alone, and bought a house all on my own before I even got married - and did it all again after I got divorced.
I'm strong and capable and can make a lot of things happen but I can't make a relationship be what I want it to be. I can't make someone be what I need/want. I can't work that hard. I tried to change who I was to be happy with what I had - and that didn't work either. A series of trade offs and bargains.
I can't trust myself to enter the world of relationships again unless I can trust that I know what is good for me and can let people go/cut them lose if they don't meet that need - and here is the clincher - even if it hurts. Even if it is painful. The person I spoke of had more then one heartbreak but she accepts that a sad thing, a painful thing, does not mean it is a wrong thing. I find it fascinating to be honest.
I am not really trying to change your mind about anything with this next share. You've stated your intentions and I"m not trying to argue with you about it.
This post/share is in the spirit of the thread topic.
When I was very lost I saw a counselor for a short time. I could not articulate what I wanted or needed or what a good relationship was or looked like. I just no longer had answers to those questions. I didn't know, and maybe never knew. She asked me if I knew anyone that I felt had it together. I did/do. I've known her all my life and I'm close enough to know some of the details of her life. She has a great marriage, a great husband. How does she do that? I really thought about it and it was not luck. It was not how hard she tried. She wasn't smarter or prettier or whatever. She did one thing I did not do. She let people go. She has the inner sense of what is good for her and when she gets involved with someone that turns out to not be good for her (and it has happened) she lets them go or cuts them lose. She does it in all areas of her life and not in a mean way either. I never did that. I never let anyone go. Someone wanders into my life and they stay there until they wander out. I've cut one person lose. 2 yrs ago at the age of 40. I'm a strong and independent woman too. I put myself though school, had a job, lived alone, and bought a house all on my own before I even got married - and did it all again after I got divorced.
I'm strong and capable and can make a lot of things happen but I can't make a relationship be what I want it to be. I can't make someone be what I need/want. I can't work that hard. I tried to change who I was to be happy with what I had - and that didn't work either. A series of trade offs and bargains.
I can't trust myself to enter the world of relationships again unless I can trust that I know what is good for me and can let people go/cut them lose if they don't meet that need - and here is the clincher - even if it hurts. Even if it is painful. The person I spoke of had more then one heartbreak but she accepts that a sad thing, a painful thing, does not mean it is a wrong thing. I find it fascinating to be honest.
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Originally Posted by Thumper
This post/share is in the spirit of the thread topic.
When I was very lost I saw a counselor for a short time. I could not articulate what I wanted or needed or what a good relationship was or looked like. I just no longer had answers to those questions. I didn't know, and maybe never knew. She asked me if I knew anyone that I felt had it together. I did/do. I've known her all my life and I'm close enough to know some of the details of her life. She has a great marriage, a great husband. How does she do that? I really thought about it and it was not luck. It was not how hard she tried. She wasn't smarter or prettier or whatever. She did one thing I did not do. She let people go. She has the inner sense of what is good for her and when she gets involved with someone that turns out to not be good for her (and it has happened) she lets them go or cuts them lose. She does it in all areas of her life and not in a mean way either. I never did that. I never let anyone go. Someone wanders into my life and they stay there until they wander out. I've cut one person lose. 2 yrs ago at the age of 40. I'm a strong and independent woman too. I put myself though school, had a job, lived alone, and bought a house all on my own before I even got married - and did it all again after I got divorced.
I'm strong and capable and can make a lot of things happen but I can't make a relationship be what I want it to be. I can't make someone be what I need/want. I can't work that hard. I tried to change who I was to be happy with what I had - and that didn't work either. A series of trade offs and bargains.
I can't trust myself to enter the world of relationships again unless I can trust that I know what is good for me and can let people go/cut them lose if they don't meet that need - and here is the clincher - even if it hurts. Even if it is painful. The person I spoke of had more then one heartbreak but she accepts that a sad thing, a painful thing, does not mean it is a wrong thing. I find it fascinating to be honest.
When I was very lost I saw a counselor for a short time. I could not articulate what I wanted or needed or what a good relationship was or looked like. I just no longer had answers to those questions. I didn't know, and maybe never knew. She asked me if I knew anyone that I felt had it together. I did/do. I've known her all my life and I'm close enough to know some of the details of her life. She has a great marriage, a great husband. How does she do that? I really thought about it and it was not luck. It was not how hard she tried. She wasn't smarter or prettier or whatever. She did one thing I did not do. She let people go. She has the inner sense of what is good for her and when she gets involved with someone that turns out to not be good for her (and it has happened) she lets them go or cuts them lose. She does it in all areas of her life and not in a mean way either. I never did that. I never let anyone go. Someone wanders into my life and they stay there until they wander out. I've cut one person lose. 2 yrs ago at the age of 40. I'm a strong and independent woman too. I put myself though school, had a job, lived alone, and bought a house all on my own before I even got married - and did it all again after I got divorced.
I'm strong and capable and can make a lot of things happen but I can't make a relationship be what I want it to be. I can't make someone be what I need/want. I can't work that hard. I tried to change who I was to be happy with what I had - and that didn't work either. A series of trade offs and bargains.
I can't trust myself to enter the world of relationships again unless I can trust that I know what is good for me and can let people go/cut them lose if they don't meet that need - and here is the clincher - even if it hurts. Even if it is painful. The person I spoke of had more then one heartbreak but she accepts that a sad thing, a painful thing, does not mean it is a wrong thing. I find it fascinating to be honest.
I had worked on a lot of my pieces prior to meeting my loved one with alcoholism. I had a good job, supported myself etc. My loved one was just the whipped cream and cherry on top. I had looked and and worked on a number of my codependent items.
I was knocked out from the knees after we got married and thought I had some good boundaries in place prior I lost many of them (related to drinking and rage which was often there with or without the alcohol). In many ways it was good....it was similar to what I experienced as a child. I did not have the skill set to work with it, and I often felt trapped as a result. It is only after the fact that I have found some of the peace that I was looking for.
I had made a decision to get married so I did not feel like I had a choice. I lost myself, even with my support. Just today I realized that it does not matter who or what happens in my life....how important my healing is.
JCE36 Thumper eloquently stated what I was attempting to. Thanks for this thread it is helping me to affirm my recovery process.
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I am in the beginning stages of a new relationship and this thread popped out at me this morning. It is one I needed to read, to see and to understand. It's with a long time sober A (in AA) and whether things will work out or not is something that is yet to be written.
One thing for sure I do not have rose coloured glasses on this time and my magical thinking is long gone. I have a recovery program and tools to help me. I didn't before and it's taken me a year to work through the fallout from the relationship with my EXABF.
What Thumper said better that I ever could was this: "I can't trust myself to enter the world of relationships again unless I can trust that I know what is good for me and can let people go/cut them lose if they don't meet that need - and here is the clincher - even if it hurts. Even if it is painful. The person I spoke of had more then one heartbreak but she accepts that a sad thing, a painful thing, does not mean it is a wrong thing. I find it fascinating to be honest."
Truer words were never spoken - they really resonated with me. If things don't work out with me and the new guy, I have the tools and the support and the honesty within myself to do this.
One thing for sure I do not have rose coloured glasses on this time and my magical thinking is long gone. I have a recovery program and tools to help me. I didn't before and it's taken me a year to work through the fallout from the relationship with my EXABF.
What Thumper said better that I ever could was this: "I can't trust myself to enter the world of relationships again unless I can trust that I know what is good for me and can let people go/cut them lose if they don't meet that need - and here is the clincher - even if it hurts. Even if it is painful. The person I spoke of had more then one heartbreak but she accepts that a sad thing, a painful thing, does not mean it is a wrong thing. I find it fascinating to be honest."
Truer words were never spoken - they really resonated with me. If things don't work out with me and the new guy, I have the tools and the support and the honesty within myself to do this.
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Originally Posted by gerryP
Alternatively, maybe it's God and fate telling you to run when this guy keeps telling you he needs more time, needs more time, still needs more time....
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